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March 31 2006

Where do you want to go today?

Straight to hell apparently.

The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime choral music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs through the Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet Explorer. The commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan "Where do you want to go today?" and a final furious blast of music. It's a very cool effect. But if you dig a little deeper... As it turns out the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's Requiem Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which accompanies "Where do you want to go today?" are actually "confutatis maledictis flammis acribus addictis..." In English: "When the damned are confounded and consigned to sharp flames..."; which describes exactly where I want to go today. Thus while Internet Explorer will take you to hell for free the upgrade to purgatory is pretty steep.

Your question has probably already been answered by someone else. However if it hasn't those "little logos" you posted yesterday are Amp'd Mobile logos. P.S. Great Site - Max

the new igoatse is the definitive skin for your ipod. there are no words to describe it. and you know why


March 30 2006

That's Right Take It All Bitch!

So I read yesterday that Tom Jones was Knighted by the Queen of England. Isn't that kind of fucked up? Even though I'm not British am I the only one who thinks that maybe Knighthood should be an honor reserved for people who actually serve England and not for those who make catchy tunes or blockbuster movies? Doesn't this make a mockery of those who actually earned their Knighthood by brave selfless acts for their country?

This deer is recovering at the vets. I sure would like to be in a tree stand somewhere near when they set it free. Thought some of you Agg's and hunters alike might like to see this: This is pretty impressive. Liz is enrolled at the vet school at TX A&M. She sent these pictures yesterday. The deer got tangled in the fence and broke his neck. Hope to get the B&C score from them. - George

I'm not exactly sure what this girl is selling but I do know I definitely need some. Anyone have any idea what these little logos are for?

Oh and I almost forgot.... the answer to yesterday's riddle: Vowels cost 3 cents and consonants cost 5 cents so chocolate costs 37 cents.

That's almost as bad as this SU-27 crash which happened in Lvov Ukraine back in 2002. Seventy eight bystanders were barbequed alive but don't worry... both pilots ejected safely. Great job guys! Haven't you ever heard of the Great Santini?

1.21 gigawatts? now you can own the time circuits that were in the original back tothe future movie


March 29 2006

I'd Hit It!

Puzzletime kiddies and this is a tough one. You are a new employee at a candy store. The owner has priced some of her confections like so: ice cream 32 cents; lollipop 34 cents; licorice 32 cents; jawbreaker 42 cents; gum 13 cents; and chocolate. She forgot to price the chocolate so you must add the price yourself. How much does it cost? Answer tomorrow.

Does this disturb anyone else or just me? Hey whatever works I suppose but damn.

boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies!


March 28 2006

Here's What I Believe.

I believe pennies are absolutely useless. I believe that gun manufacturers are no more responsible for gun violence then carmakers are for drunk driving. I believe the female body is a thing of beauty and should not be hidden away. I believe Jessica Simpson has a pretty sweet ass. I believe nothing is too expensive. I believe if you're gay you sure as hell don't need to tell me about it with a little rainbow sticker on your car. I believe Triumph the Comic Insult Dog is one of the funniest things out there. I believe I love sweet beavers. I believe if you're too fat the solution isn't to blame McDonald's but to get your fat ass out and exercise. I believe mint Girl Scout cookies kick ass. I believe the only thing cooler than ninjas is Chuck Norris. I believe I wouldn't want to sit in this truck. I believe I'm at least as smart as Albert Einstein. I believe too many people stick their noses in other people's business. I believe that yes you can put too much bling on your car. I believe I'll shut the fucked up now.


March 27 2006

Screw The Whores Of Babylon.

You know one of these days I'm going to set something up like this to make EHOWA a little more interactive! Pretty cool though. I made his screensaver say "I have a 10 inch penis".

Brooks newest B&B - wouldn't you be pissed to come home to this? The guy that lives here is in Fort Mac working he has a good sense of humor. I hope. His 'buddies' made this sign in his front yard. The posts are cemented in the ground and it cost over $500.00 to make. It is illuminated and the one hand goes back and forth and smacks that ass! - Hugo

I got these pics of a Marine's day trip to Babylon sent in this past week. Don't know who the guy is though. What a shitty place.

is it me or does anyone else get kind of creeped out by these computer generated people?


March 26 2006

Dear Internal Revenue Service.

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated March 3rd wherein you will see that the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1029) which I secured at Home Depot bringing my total remittance to $3429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund" as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year and I look forward to paying it again next year.

how long can you go without shooting the puppy?


March 25 2006

Any Chance Of An Upgrade While I'm At It?

Okay a quick technical help post here. Over the past few months I've been running a lot of my links through a service called linkcounter.com. Guess what it does? You got it genius it counts links. This enabled me to track what gets clicked on more often what people do and don't like how much traffic I'm sending other sites in comparison to what they send me that sort of jazz.

Anyway I would occasionally get an email from somebody who complains the links don't work for them. I knew this wasn't a universal problem since (a) they work fine for me and (b) I wasn't getting 10000 emails a day from everyone and their grandmother complaining about the same thing. But regardless enough people have written in with similar symptoms that I figured it's time to address the situation.

I was wondering what the deal was with all the linkcounter.com broken links? I've inspected your source and you seem to be coding the linkcounter redirects into your links. Am I the only one that can't get through to the actual link? Did I miss a registration that I needed to do in order to get past or is linkcounter.com just down for good? I love checkin your links man but I miss most of them cuz of the searching and copy-pasting I have to do to get to what you link to. Just thought I must be messing up but just in case figured i'd let you know. Thanks for all you do for us Americans. - Mike W.

For the past few weeks literally 1/2 of the links you've posted in the copy show up as page not found... Happens in Firefox and IE you hire a new intern? Thanks. - Fred C.

>For some reason when I click any linkcounter link I get "page cannot be displayed" I use Firefox and have also tried it in IE I have cleaned the cache and checked in IE and no sites are restricted. Any clues? Mike B.

Actually it was this last guy Mike B that helped me figure out what the problem was and the pretty simple solution...

In XP or 2000 go to C\WINDOWS\system32\drivers\etc - find the file called "hosts"
Open the file with notepad or wordpad.
Click "edit" then "find" type "linkcounter" and press ENTER
Delete the line with the linkcounter entry
Save and exit.

Well there you have it kids. I passed this solution to the other two guys and they both reported back success. So if you're having trouble with any of my links that I run through linkcounter give this a try. W00t.

once there was a boy named rusty. he was 9 years old. rusty was a homosexual...

and the winner of the most kick ass lego soccer stadium award goes to...


March 24 2006

Well This Is What He Came To Do. And Now He's Done It.

My buddy has a brother in Iraq right now who sent him this clip. I think it's great how we can manage to help all the people in Iraq accomplish their goals... no matter what they may be. If you post this can you give a shout out to all the Jarheads still over there and let them know our thoughts are and always will be with our brothers. Ooo-rah!!!

Scott M
Lexington KY

Origional message: This sequence is of a suicide bomber in Baghdad who attempted to ram an explosives-packed car into an Abrams tank and destroy it. The attempt failed; all the explosives in the car did not detonate. The car was partially destroyed and the driver wounded but he was still capable of detonating a further charge. This was a very dangerous situation so the Army and Iraqi police closed the road to traffic and an ordnance detachment used a tracked remote-controlled robot to approach the car take pictures of it and its dazed driver then place a demolition charge beside it and "assist" the driver in completing his own suicide. Even after destroying the car and killing the driver a package of several undetonated artillery shells and land mines is seen remaining on the pavement. In the last frames they seen being blown by the EOD people in a field at a remote site.. Note the size of this explosion which would have taken place beside the Abrams tank if the suicide driver's car had originally detonated as planned. [video]

I am a loyal fan from way back. After Sept. 11th I sent you the proper disposal methods for dealing with terrorist. I.E. The pigfarm! Speaking of your FEMA birdhouses here are some good pictures of my "FEMA Mansion" as we so love to call them here in Slidell Louisiana. We got hit pretty hard here but we keep on going. Thanks for all the great reading and humor. Your Loyal follower......yeah right....lol

Collin W.
Slidell La.

ps. I hope you post these pictures to show faith in our mission to rebuild this area.

when games get this realistic i'm going back to my atari (make sure you watch it to the end)


March 23 2006

Make Sure Your Hands Are Clean.

If vampires can't see themselves in mirrors then how the fuck they always have perfectly combed hair?

As if that wasn't enough this guy tries to jump a snowmobile over a highway. He's got it! He's got it! He's got it! He don't got it. Well somebody has to keep the orthopedic surgeons in business right?

Some pictures of the Texas Panhandle widefires to look at - warning well done beef in some of em.

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March 22 2006

Yeah I'll Have One For The Stroller.

You know this was one of those mornings where I just coulnd't get out of bed. I mean my alarm clock was squawking and Ike was bouncing around because he needed to go out and I just couldn't bring myself to get moving. I'm alright now but shit that was a rough start. I guess I won't stay up watching television so late anymore.

A little blast from my Boston days. Greg Hill the morning DJ at WAAF started Mantown Mondays about a year ago. Here you get to play the role of a photographer trying to talk the last girl into doing her nude shoot. Funny stuff. Ah I miss those guys. Maybe I'll rent a car and drive back for a few weeks.

You have seen float planes come and go but bet you haven't seen one take off like this. Video was taken in Prince George and got to give the pilot full marks for guts. I imagine you only get one shot at this. Notice the fire truck following them. They obviously had a few doubts themselves. Anyway you have probably heard in aviation lore about all sorts of things pilots have attempted with airplanes. Well be prepared to witness one of them. When a floatplane is landed on the grass and taken to the hangar for maintenance obviously it has to depart once again. Landing a floatplane on grass is easier than becoming airborne on grass. This is where the dolly comes in. Put the aircraft on a dolly fire it up tow it down the runway and once a certain speed is attained push the throttle to "Warp Factor 9" and you are airborne. Get ready this is how the good people at Hill Aircraft Service Ltd. in Prince George B.C. accomplish a dolly takeoff.

Tell me folks would you rather be an asshole or a cunt?

Been digging yer shit since the "Fuckin' Funny List" when I was active duty at Randolph AFB. I sent you a couple of pics of the FEMA trailer birdhouses my brother-in-law makes. They go good in front yards down here in MS. -Kris GPT MS

create your own windows error messages. send to your it dept. enjoy.


March 21 2006

Jesus Take The Wheel!

Okay is it me or is there just a little too much religious shit floating around these days? Everywhere you look there are these "God is my copilot!" stickers. And those fucking little fish? Jesus kill me.

Here's a photo of a flood causing mass hysteria in Ireland. Where was God then? Ah it's all just a bunch of crap if you ask me. The only true divinity is in the human thirst for knowledge.

make her say the "there once was a man from nantucket" limrick... good clean humor!


March 20 2006

See That's What You Get.

Come see why Bille Zane is The Man.

Ah March Madness is upon us. Even the cheerleaders are shocked by the results of that shot!

And by popular demand there ain't no more popups on the movie player page. You ask I do!

check out samadhi - the world's fastest laptop amd 64 fx 7800 gtx 240gb raid 0 dual optical drives!


March 19 2006

A Day At The Beach.

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hey good news if I get into a car acciddnt in my tt i'll not only survive but get a convertible out of the deal

ah ha I found the most likely source of last week's cool car signs... thanks matt!


March 18 2006

You'll Feel That In The Morning.

CURE #1 - THE BLOODY MARY. There is no substitue for a Bloody Mary. Ounce for ounce the curative factors involved in this drink are astonishing. There are not enough good things that can be said about this drink in curing a hangover. And honestly if you hate tomato juice don't worry I DESPISE tomato juice it generally makes me sick thinking about it. But trust me once you add the other ingredients it becomes a different substance. It is the ultimate weapon in any fight against hangover pain. The only problem is you will become progressively more useless as you drink more and more of them but then you weren't going to do anything anyway. Have one and you'll feel better in about 15 minutes.

Ingredients:
2 oz Vodka
6 oz Tomato Juice
4 tsp Worcestershire Sauce (this may be the secret 'x' ingredient)
2-3 drops tabasco sauce

A celery stick should be jammed into this motherfucker too - you can consider the celery stick 'breakfast.'

CURE #2 - THE GREASY BURGER & MILKSHAKE. This one works like a charm for most people. It also tastes really good which is a polus if you can't bring yourself to stomach tomato juice. Now I'm not going to tell you how to prepare your burger because it should be pretty self-explanatory. Even to the stupid. Your best choice is to go out to a Steak and Shake. The milkshake is the really amazing final touch - personally I prefer vanilla. It will calm the stomach and relax you. Beef is your friend. It's what's for breakfast.

auditory processing (listening) speed test. my score after the first try was 37 milliseconds.


March 17 2006

Happy St Patrick's Day You Irish Fucks!

Hey Flaherty! Wish your sister a very happy St Patrick's Day for me. No no not that one the other one... the one that does that thing with her tongue that I like. Thanks man.

"Dad" asked the kid "can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Aw son here's twenty dollars son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl"

There are two Irish fellows Paddy and Murphy in a bar in the wild west who are totally drunk. All of a sudden a man walks into the bar with a red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says "I fucking hate Indians last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground raped my wife and killed my children." He then says "If any man brings me the head of a red Indian I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two Irish fellows look at each other and walk out of the bar to go looking for an Indian. They've been walking around for a while when suddenly they see one so Paddy throws a stone which hits the Indian right on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands seventy feet down a ravine so the two Irish men make their way down the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Whilst in the middle of doing this Murphy suddenly says "Paddy look at this." Paddy replies "Not now I'm busy." Murphy tugs him on the shoulder and says "I really think you should look at this." Paddy keeps on sawing and says "Look fuck off you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Murphy's adamant. "Please Paddy look at this." So Paddy finally looks up and standing at the top of the ravine are 5000 red Indians. Paddy shakes his head in disbelief and says "Fuck me we're going to be millionaires!"

There was this guy who was half Irish half Jewish. He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.

A Irishman Englishman and Arab are all in the Maternity ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says there has been a problem." We were really busy and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up." In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice. The result is that the Irishman gets first choice. The Doctor takes the Irishman through to the 3 babies " I'll take that one" he says pointing to the little black child. "Hold on" says the Doctor "that 's obviously not your son he's as brown as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife are white." "I know " replies the Irishman "but one of the other two is English and I am just not prepared to take the risk."

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish!

One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures sang hymns and psalms all evening filled our house with religious statues and paintings and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel" the second man commented "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No" the first Irishman replied. "I strangled the bitch."

A traditional Irish greeting is "Dia's Muitre dhuit." What does it mean? "God and Mary be with you."

This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He's too cheap to buy a rubber so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say this falls off while fucking but he never notices. Later the same day an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl and just as he's about ready to come he notices something fall out of her box. Picking it up he reads: "Rothstein & Lieberman Tailors". "Jesus Christ" the Irishman says "where will those Jews advertise next?"

What's the difference between a Kennedy and an Irishman? After 3 shots the Irish guy is still standing.

now THIS is how a good irish girl politely refuses a breathalyzer test


March 16 2006

And For My Next Trick!

To really appreciate today's post you should take this quick tutorial on how drum brakes work. Don't be shy I didn't know how they work either. or in my case not work HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay to make a long story short there's a bracket that holds each of the brake shoes in place. Said bracket broke thus allowing the shoe itself to shift out of position. When it did so it created enough room between the surface of the shoe and the piston in the brake cylinder to allow the piston to pop out. Then much like a Peter North video the hydraulic fluid behind the piston was free to spurt all over the place I lost all hydraulic pressure and suddenly I felt very betrayed by my new car.

Now at this point I'd like to discuss single piston versus dual piston master brake cylinders. Trust me up until two days ago I didn't know the fucking difference -- aside from the obvious one versus two thing -- nor did I really care to. But since it's important to understand why the brakes failed here we go. Old school cars (anything built before 1966 for GM products) had single piston master cylinders -- thus one single piston provided the brake pressure for all four wheels. Develop a leak in any of those four lose fluid through the entire system and you're fucked. From 1966 on -- which is right about the same time seatbelts became mandatory -- car manufacturers started installing dual piston master cylinders. One cylinder provided hydraulic pressure to the two front brakes and the other to the two rear ones. Develop a leak in one of your back brakes and you can still stop using your front ones and visa-versa. My car being a 1963 means I have (soon to be past tense) a single master cylinder. When one of the drivers side rear piston popped out and drained the whole system of fluid I became Mr. Fucky McFucked.

Which brings us to the emergency brake and why it failed. The way an emergency brake works is I pull a handle under the dashboard of the car with is directly attatched to a cable. Said cable runs undernear the car all the way down the center and splits off in an upside down Y with each extension going to one of the two rear rake drums. Now one would think -- especially given the clever term "emergency" brake -- that even if one side of the rear brakes failed the other side would still work. True enough it should. And by the way here's where I have a tough time swallowing what the mechanic is trying to tell me... He reports that as the left rear shoe shifted it created slack on the cable so that when I pulled the e-brake handle there wasn't enough tension to engage the brake on the other side of the "Y". Okay now I understand the idea of what he's saying but here's my hangup. The emergency brake handle I pulled retracts the cable a full seven inches (oh yes ladies I measured it). So even if the left rear shoe shifted forward -- let's say two inches and I even then I think that's being pretty generous -- I would think there should have been enough tension on the cable to still engage the brake on the right side yes? Maybe not completely but at least something.

Either way for safety reasons it obviously behooves me to upgrade the brakes on this beast -- my car's name is Earl by the way as in "My Name Is Earl" -- so I surfed my way over to Performance Online and low and behold. Dual piston master cylinders and hell even those "new fangled disc brakes" kits that all the kids have now a days. Sweet. Because man I don't wanna have to give up my car and I sure as hell don't want to get sued after rear-ending somebody.


March 15 2006

And For My Next Trick!

Okay so just what the fuck happened with my brakes that I feel is important eough to still be bitching about it. Well I'll tell you. I left my buddy's house in Daytona around 9:30 a.m. Sunday morning to begin my 240 mile drive back home. Yeah that's kind of early but I wanted to beat all the traffic from people leaving Bike Week. It's a beautiful warm sunny morning and I'm just enjoying the living shit out of myself. Being my Nova is about is 43 years old is about as aerodynamic as a brick and since I only get 10 miles per gallon I like to stop kind of often to top off the gas tank. I've only gone about 80 miles but since I had to take a leak I decided to stop and get some gas around Orlando... exit 68 off I-4 to be more precise. I'm coming down the exit ramp about 60 mph and start to push on the brake pedal. Hmmm I notice the pdeal feels a little soft but never having experienced any major brake issues before I didn't pay much attention. I just played along and pushed a little harder with my foot. And as I'm continuing down said ramp I gradually start to realize that despite the fact that I'm mashing this fucking brake pedal down I'm not really slowing down any. I can feel a little resistance from the brakes but I'm sure as hell not decelerating anywhere near as quickly as I should be. It's at this point that began to think "Oh bollocks."

And it's funny because your mind instantly knows what happened -- I'm experiencing total brake failure almost like something out of a Spy vs Spy cartoon. I continued pumping the brakes knowing full well that wasn't going to do any good but still doing it anyway because it takes a few seconds to trigger in your mind that you need to start doing something else. It's almost as if you're rendered useless by sheer disbelief. "No problem" says I "I'll just pull the emergency brake because that's what it's there for." So I did. And it did absolutely dick. I mean nothing. Not a squeal not a grind certainly not slowing nothing. Now I look down the ramp and after seeing how busy the crossing traffic was realize I'm in a world of fucking hurt.

My mind begins to make a thousand calculations per second. I am in the third of four lanes. Traffic in the left two lanes is completely stopped thus they're not an option at all. Traffic on the far right lane was beginning to back up at the stoplight plus I had someone just behind me to my right so that lane wasn't an option either. Thus the only lane available to me was the one I was in. Okay fine. Now the good news is this lane was completely free of traffic all the way up to the stoplight. The bad news is clear lane or not there was no fucking way I was going to be able to stop before the intersection like a bat out of hell. Again this old car isn't very aerodynamic so I was bleeding up some speed but certainly not enough to keep me from getting T-boned at the intersection. By a dump truck. Full of dynamite. With full gas tanks. Driven by a terrorist. With one eye.

Gradually it seeps into yoru head that this car is really out of fucking control and I'm really in danger. It wasn't like I was on the highway and had five miles of breakedown lane to coast to a stop in. The speedometer read 50 mph and I only had maybe 1000 feet before I hit a busy intersection. It was right about then that I shit my pants as indicated in this diagram. So having nothing else to do I start pumping the brakes again and I was surprised to find that over the last few seconds a little brake pressure seemed to have built up because I felt some grab but again not enough to have any real bearing on the outcome of this adrenaline party. Now my mind kind of goes on damage control "What can I hit that will cause the least damage and injuries to me? And the least to any other poor son of a bitch that happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?" Oh by the way did I mention my car doesn't have seatbelts?

I decide my only choice is to jump the curb in a small triangular median hoping the curb itself or rolling through on the grass will stop me. Bzzzzt wrong. I hit the curb doing about 20 and didn't even slow the fuck down. I guess 3000 pounds of rolling steel has more momentum behind it than you'd think. Now for those of you saying to yourselves "Well 20 mph doesn't sound that fast" hey you try driving that speed into oncoming traffic and see how you like it. Anyway my eyes quickly focused on a small pole at the corner of the grassy median which at this point was the only thing between me a major automobile crash and a nice flight in a medical helicopter. And just as quickly I dismissed this flimsy little pole because I knew I'd plow that little fucker over just like some cute little kindergartner. At this point I can actually see the keyholes on the passenger side doors as these cars were whizzing past my windshield.

So I couldn't stop. I couldn't go straight because I'd either broadside or be broadsided. I coulnd't turn right because the only thing I'd accomplish is being broadsised with less impact. So Plan D? Turn left. Turn left really fucking hard. And I did yanking that non-power steering having motherfucker for all I was worth. My two right wheels dug into the grass and left two ruts before going off the curb and I'm squeezing myself in front of the two stopped lanes of traffic that had just come down the ramp before me (all with their drivers looking at me like I had three fucking heads) -- and the cross traffic whizzing by me on the right (their drivers also looking at me like I had three fucking heads). I wave frantically wave my hands to everyone hoping they understand this gesture of good will means "No brakes motherfucker!" Now I'm facing the huge concrete wall that is the I-4 overpass but I'm going a little slower since the abrupt turn bled off some of my momentum. As soon as I'm clear of the stopped cars on my left I yank the wheel again -- actually fishtailing a little in some gravel and absurdly reminding me of Bo and Luke Duke -- now I'm heading back up the exit ramp that I just came rocketing down. That uphill motion combined with rolling through some thick grass finally brings this rollercoaster to a halt about a quarter of the way back up the exit ramp. Woo fucking hoo.

After traffic thins down I limp the 1/10th of a mile to a gas station park call AAA and vomit behind a dumpster. And that my friends was my Sunday. Tomorrow I'll tell you what actually failed in the left rear brake that caused this debacle. For now read how drum brakes work.

world of warcraft meets 'word up' by korn

some great colorized photos from world war ii

'the bedding thrashers' 'fantastic fornicators' and other porn movie spoofs


March 14 2006

Brakes? We Don't Need No Steenkin Brakes!

Now girls remember what day today is.

Okay now before I get into my brake failure story I want to post some cool shit that you people have sent in over this past weekend that haven't been able to post because yet I wasn't home. Suffice to say for now that it was like a scene out of an old spy movie where the hero is coming down a hill and pumps the brakes only to realize his brake lines have been cut by the bad guy. Besides the car is supposed to be fixed later today so I'll have a better handle on what the fuck went wrong by then also.

This horrible wreck happened not even one mile from my house.

The unofficial word: The Lamborghini was a seized drug car and the constable was driving it around picked up his son and then let him drive. I'm not sure exactly how fast he was going but "about 100 yards of skid marks" would indicate too fast. Evidently it was airborne for 20 feet and rolled several times before landing on it's roof and bursting into flames. With doors that open UP instead of OUT there was no way for them to escape (assuming they even lived through the crash). I took these photos at the wrecker's lot.

Travis H.

Published report hints that the squeaky clean Jennifer Love Hewitt might be gracing the pages of Playboy nude sooner rather than later. Star magazine said Hewitt is reportedly close to finalizing a deal and we hope she changes her mind. The fact that Jen would finally be willing to reveal her assets completely is a godsend to each and every red-blooded man out there. Earlier in the year the actress said that she felt she was losing film roles because of her good-girl image.


March 12 2006

Back from Bike Week in Daytona!

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Soon you'll hear my harrowing tale of as I got off the highway to get gas near Orlando I pressed on the brake pedal felt it gently sink to the floor without slowing me down at all. Complete brake failure. Emergency brake too. Ahhhh good times good times. Stay tuned.


March 10 2006

Happy Fucking Birthday Chuck!

Yeah no shit it's Chuck Norris' birthday today.

Anyway while Chuck is blowing out 66 birthday candles I'm getting in my car and heading East towards Daytona to visit a buddy and do a little oogling at bike week. But I will of course keep my eyes on the road at all times to avoid any potential problems. And since I'll be staying at my friend's house I'm not going to drink too much either.

ATTENTION HIPPIES: Here's part THREE of the Saddam videos. This one is the worst... people strapped to explosives public beheadings and firing squad stuff. [video]

this should make anyone proud - an eagle's nest


March 9 2006

Well Count Me In!

What we have here is a failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last night. Which is the way he wants. Well he gets. I don't like it any more than you do.

Man that just burns my ass. One of the biggest perks there was to moving out of my condo in MA was to not have some assfuck tell me what I could and could not display in my window. Well you know what to do.

Ernie

Thought you might like this one - nice to have Google Girl as one of my supporters for the $7000 SEO Contest - hopefully she can help me win it for benefit Celiac Disease Research.

Mr. Paint

oops she did it again?


March 8 2006

A Current Affair.

Okay you guys with this fast internet shit better cut it out because because because well fuck you man this shit ain't funny no more.

Okay who's going to give cell phone cooking a try for me and report back thew results?

Ernie

As an animal lover I thought you should post this. Not only are the U.S. Soldiers doing great work but some of the reporters are doing their part to make Iraq a better place to live for all creatures big and small.

Paul L.

man you just got smoked. by a vw beetle. that's right i said a beetle


March 7 2006

Oh But I Got The Gas.

ATTENTION HIPPIES: Here's part two of the Saddam videos. This one isn't too bad only mass murder with dead women children. I'll save the worst for last... the public beheadings and firing squad stuff. [video]

Okay okay while I'll admit my cable modem is pretty fast apparently those of you on fiber optic networks have a little more speed than me. A little. But that's okay I'll just call up the ol cable company put foot to ass with the rep on the phone and maybe see if I can't get a little more speed.

High school principals beware: when you cancel your school's senior prom because you fear underage drinking and "lack of abstinence" don't be afraid when your students revolt by throwing your car out.

And colonel no matter what they say there is absolutely no sex in the champagne room.

boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies!

and when the hell did rosie perez get the biggest fucking tits on the planet?


March 6 2006

Now Who's The Clown Clown?

Wow these new "Drinking Driving Counterattack" ads are getting pretty good... 1 - 2 - 3.

Subject: toyota bashing/bobsleigh Vs car race

He Ernie

both those clips come from a show we have over here called 'Top Gear'. Just stick that into google video search and it'll come up with loads of similar clips...as well as a couple of full episodes (Ignore the ones from 1989...wasnt as good back then). Thought you might be interested.

James

Spring training has started and without too much trouble you too can be as smart as Einstein. So you fucking Yankee fans had better pray to Jesus this year.

I'm not sure how they did thew glowing plutonium rod in this Simpsons re-enactment but I'm going to guess that somewhere along the line involved the use of a cordless mouse.

not for the faint of heart - porsche 957 crash text photos.


March 5 2006

Can You Hear Me Now?

Of all the celebrities we've seen without makeup I have to admit Jessica Simpson probably looks the best.

And with the Olympics coming to a close I have to admit the UK's got a pretty fucking cool TV show going. Before they beat the shit out of a Toyota truck and this time it's rally car vs bobsled.

bowman - like the tank game but with a little more physics spin on it


March 4 2006

Ding Dang Doodle Man.

Now I think young kids these days have it too fucking easy to begin with but even I'll admit this is fucking cool. "With LEGO Factory you can now design your own original custom LEGO model and then purchase all of the bricks and elements you need to build your model for real! Just follow the easy steps below to start custom building today." Where the fuck was this when I was a kid? Do you have any idea how much time this would have saved me when I was designing mazes for my hamsters to go through? Damn kids get off my lawn.

Continuing along with my R/C jet plane fetish here's a remote control Concorde. All we need now is a minature remote control hotel to blow up and we're in business!

NAVY / USMC ARMY AIR FORCE
Head Latrine Powder Room
Rack Bunk Single with ruffle and duvet
Mess Deck / Chow Hall Mess Hall / Mess Tent Dining Facility or The Cafe'
"Cookie" stew burner Mess Cook Contract Chef
Coffee / Mud Cup of Joe Vanilla Skim Latte'
Bug Juice Kool-Aid Shirley Temple
Utilities / Digitals BDUs / ACUs Casual Wear
Seaman / Private Private Bobby / Jimmy
Chief / Gunny Sergeant Bob / Jim
Captain / Skipper Colonel Robert / James
Captain's Mast Article 15 Time Out
Berthing / Barracks Barracks Apartment
Skivvies / U-Trau Underwear Undies
Thrown in the Brig Put in Confinement Grounded
Zoom Bag Flight Suit Business Casual
Cover / Head Gear Beret Optional
Ship's Store / BX PX (PX Trailer) AAFES Shopping Mall
TAD TDY PCS with family
Cruise / Afloat Deploy Huh?
Ground Grabbers Athletic Shoes Flip-Flops
Die for your Country Die for your Battle Buddy Die for Air Conditioning
Shipmate / Marine Battle Buddy Don't Ask Don't Tell or Honey
Terminate / Kill Take Out Back on Base for Happy Hour
Boon Dockers Jump Boots Birkenstocks
Low Quarters Low Quarters Patent Leather Pumps
SEAL SF/Ranger Librarian
Shore Patrol / MPs MPs SF
Oouh-Rah! Hooah! Hip-Hip hurray!
MRE MRE Happy Meal To Go
Salute Salute Wave
Obstacle Course Confidence Course Class VI Parking Lot
Grinder / Drill Field Parade Field A what?
Ge-Dunk Snack Bar Chuck E. Cheese
PT Test APFT "No conversion available"
Dept. of the Navy DoD DoD Lite
Midshipman Cadet Debutant
Hard-Core Strak "Way Too Serious"

leeeeeeroy jenkins strikes again. but alas he's victorious this time

how fast is your internet connection? - are you faster than me?


March 3 2006

It's An Ultra Violence Day.

Okay for the majority of today's update I'm going to shut up and give someone else the floor.

But before I do you should know something. By the time you're reading this I'm standing in line at the ticket counter waiting to see UltraViolet.

Not because I'm any comic book fan who lives in my mom's basement but because I hereby confess my undying love for Milla Jovovich and her nipples that always seem to be as big as tater tots. Yes I take full advantage of every opportunity to see them regardless of what the movie is about. And if you don't love Milla's nipples well then you must be a gay homosexual. That's right I said it.

I realize you probably get a lot of bullshit mail from quite a few jagoffs but I'd like to express my appreciation of your sites most especially the LBEH project. I myself didn't join up for any free rides and make an effort to turn down any handouts but I have a few friends that wouldn't have seen their families over the holidays in years past if it hadn't been for you. Thank you.

A little background on myself/my unit: I'm a 240B gunner/SAW gunner/ rifleman/ RTO/ alternate driver/ alternate Vehicle Commander in 2-1 Infantry Battailion 172nd Stryker Brigade Combat Team. We're a bit shorthanded lately hence my multiple duties. I sent in a video of us being drunken retards the night before we deployed riding bikes down stairs and stuff sometime in july/august timeframe and haven't really been online that much since then...something about 3rd world technology and satelites...bah I'm infantry they don't pay me to think.

Anyway as I said we're deployed right now in Mosul Iraq which is way up north on the Tigris. Since we've been here things have improved incredibly. Albeit we do have a ton of homosexual rules that have just now been implemented like we have bright-ass spinning yellow lights we have to have on our strykers at all times we can't cross over medians we can't drive on the left side of the road we can't give warning shots to vehicles that get too close to our strykers we can't load our belt-fed weapons (SAW 240 .50 cal ect...) unless we're in contact we're no longer allowed to search a house unless we have enough proof to convince our chain of command and our patrol speed was capped off at 35mph for a while. From a lower-enlisted point of view all those rules are just a load of bullshit that makes us feel like we can't do our jobs...kinda like telling a cop to do his job with a nerf gun. However when you look at the bigger picture all those rules are signifying that we're getting ready to turn the whole city over to the iraqi security forces before our unit redeploys to alaska sometime in august. I'm in awe of how quickly the Iraqi Army and Iraqi Police have stepped up and started shouldering the jobs we did when we first got here.

I read in the news earlier that Iraq is on the verge of civil war. I took a gander around the past few days of patrols...coulda fooled me. Is this civil war like one of them silent auctions? There ain't shit going on other than the normal drive around get shot at or blown up chase some ghosts for a while drive around some more routine. Maybe Mosul didn't get the message. Actually I think it's the news going for the big story again. I had the misfortune of being on leave during our unit's largest contact back in november. We had cornered some bad guys and moved in on them and they actually decided to fight back. So I see the news ticker that day on the other side of the planet...it says that 12 guys from my unit were killed and 20-something were seriously wounded. That's the last goddamn thing you want to hear when you're supposed to be relaxing at home enjoying your time off. So I flipped the fuck out.

See after a major incident our unit goes into a "commo blackout" until the WIA or KIA's family has been notified of what happened. No phonecalls or internet access. I was worried sick literally about my guys back here for 2 days until I finally got ahold of one of my buddies on an instant messenger who couldn't say much other than we had 1 KIA and 12 guys were hurt enough to go home he gave me the KIAs name and told me that the WIA wasn't anyone in our platoon.

I talk to my parents all the time and almost every time they have some insane idea put in their head by some guy with a 6 digit income and a double digit IQ about what's going on over here and how we should be doing things different. It's to the point now that the phrase "I was watching on the news..." is a conversation stopper. It pisses me off to no extent to know that my family is being scared shitless for my saftey for a fucking ratings score.

You have a good fanbase of veterans and current deployees you can use to get the facts straight on the major issues. Well I dunno about facts but you'll definately see the shit that's not made up for a paycheck. I'm off the FOB more than I'm on it and I get to speak with a lot of local nationals in person....well through a terp anyway. 99% of this city trusts us and is more than happy to help us out...and I gotta say I'm going to miss the chai tea when I leave...they just don't make shit like that in the states.

Anyway I can go on for hours and hours about this place and I have plenty-o-pics of the stuff we've done over here but I'll save your time. Once again thanks for all you do for our guys and keep up the good work it's greatly appreciated.

I keep up a blog if you're interested on reading up on my thoughts...it's mostly stereotypical 20-year old cockstrong infantry blather about this is bullshit and that's fucked but I try to keep it as subjective as possible. The downside is that it's on myspace (i know...) but the URL is http://blog.myspace.com/theultra4sshole

Have a good one.
--Jon--

play the dick cheney quail hunting game

this girl is screwed in the head but you have to admit she's got nice guns. yeah i'd let her jerk me off.


March 2 2006

That's Not Torture. THIS IS Torture.

ATTENTION HIPPIES: Someone recently sent me three videos to post. Each contains footage of Saddam's regime torturing maiming and killing Iraqi citizens accused of various crimes. Like you know don't do your duty and have both of your arms broken. Speak out against Saddam and we cut your tongue out. I will post one video every couple of days each being an increasing level of brutality. Today is the light stuff only broken bones and limb amputations. Absolutely positively definitely NOT for the squeamish. And our verion of "torture" is we stack them up naked and take pictures. Woooooo I'm soooo shivering. Any question why this maniac had to be forcefully removed from power should be put to rest by the end of next week after I post the last one. Don't say I didn't warn you. [video]

This is the greatest fucking thing ever. Here is a site where you can choose a boob cup size and different levels of activity then watch a virtual pair of tits bounce around. I had so much fun it delayed the posting of this update by an hour as I giggled and bounced my morning away.


March 1 2006

Yeah To Some People Walmart Is A Holy Place.

While it's true a mind is a terrible thing to waste you have to admit it is pretty damned funny if it's done right.

That game sure was a nailbiter eh?

i hate hippie cars - you're on thin ice with me mister


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