E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
jealous? click here to get your website on ehowa.com for as little as $5 per day
|December 30, 2005|
Sure Is Warm Here.
And please folks, exercise some self restraint this year... we don't want to put on too many extra pounds during this holiday season.
ATTENTION ALL EHOWA EMPLOYEES: DUE TO BUDGET CONSTRAINTS THIS YEAR, THERE WILL BE A ONE DRINK LIMIT EMPOSED AT THE COMPANY NEW YEARS PARTY. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVIENCE, AND LOOK FORWARD TO WISHING YOU ALL A PROSPEROUS 2006!
ATTENTION ALL EHOWA EMPLOYEES: ANNUAL END OF YEAR REVIEWS WILL BE POSTPONED UNTIL AFTER THE NEW YEAR, AS I WILL BE IN TRAINING FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE WEEK, LEARNING NEW WAYS TO EAT PUSSY.
ATTENTION ALL EHOWA EMPLOYEES: I PULLED THIS LITTLE GEM OUT OF THE TOASTER THIS MORNING. TO THAT ONE PERSON WHO ISN’T SURE WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR GUM WHEN THEY ARE DONE WITH IT, PLEASE USE THE GARBAGE CAN. THANK YOU.
chicks wrestling in chocolate syrup. eat them up yum.
|December 29, 2005|
Just Ring The Fucking Bell, You Pansie!
Sadly I must announce, that Patrick Cranshaw. Who played “Blue” in Old School has died. He was 86.
All we are is dust in the wind. You're my boy, Blue.
|December 28, 2005|
Today Is Travel Day.
Heading back to Florida today, and no I'm not driving. Palm trees here I come...
|December 27, 2005|
Sure Is Still Cold Up Here.
Boy, I bet people from New Orleans sure are glad to see 2005 come to a close, eh?
1981 In Review
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
2005 In Review
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost
the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
So in the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, someone please warn the Pope. Thank You.
|December 26, 2005|
Sure Is Cold Up Here.
Well, I wasn't very good in 2005 and well, it looks like I paid the price.
American soldiers take heed: this is how real warriors who gots skillz shoot their guns. Word to your moms.
I'm not sure what this crazy Japanese gameshow is about, but you'll like where it's going once you see the snake skip down the girl's shirt and then it just get sbetter from there.
The complete archive of David Letterman's Top Ten Lists for the past twelve years.
Uh oh, it looks like Chuck may have finally met his match... it's the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny and things don't turn out well for our favorite hero.
|December 25, 2005|
Merry Mothafucking Christmas, Everybody!
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of any and/or all holidays occuring before, after, during or near the the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only "America" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, color, creed, age, sex, physical ability, veterans status, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wished.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where taxed or prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and such warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Except you, Johnny Damon. You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
christmas boobies! christmas boobies! christmas boobies! christmas boobies!
|December 24, 2005|
Meanwhile, Back In New York...
Johnny Damon: Hey Joe... How'd you like to meet me in the bullpen after this press conference?
Joe Torre: Sure Johnny...er...what do you have in mind?
Damon: Well I'm thinking since you guys are paying me so much you might as well get a little sumthin' for your money... wink... wink...
Torre: Cool Johnny, I... ah... didn't think you were like that. But you do look rather sexy with those manly cheekbones and short cropped gayboy hair.
Damon: Oh yeah Joe, I even did the bikini wax too... its a whole new look for me! I've been dying to get me a close shave ya know?
Torre: Well my friend I think we can take care of that here in NYC. As a matter of fact Jeter and A-Rod are gonna come too, and we're gonna do a good old fashioned grand slam on ya... Babe Ruth style! Whaddaya say Johnny! You up for it?
Damon: Sure Joe! Christ for $52 million I'll just about do the whole team, after all I am just a slut for cash. But let's not tell Giambi he's a bit freaky looking with all that acne. Hey, is "The Big Unit" coming too?
"There's no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they are going to come after me hard," Damon said. "It's definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It's not what I need." - Johnny Damon - May 1, 2005
98hp and 0-60 in 20 minutes, you know you want it
|December 23, 2005|
Can't Get Enough Chuck!
While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris is the only male to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell "Doom" in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
yes, like all things french, the mirage sucks but this is a cool video
|December 22, 2005|
So Long Johnny, We Hardly Knew Ye.
The Yankees? The Yankees?! I'd rather see you get brain cancer than go to the fucking Yankees. What's that you say? What? I can't hear you Johnny, you're dead to me now.
As you read this, I'll be getting on a fucking plane headed towards Rochester to freeze my fucking balls off for a week. It's pretty hard to get intot he Christmas spirit down here in Florida. I mean Christmas lights on fucking palm trees? What the fuck? And these people who put out these fake snowmen? Who the fuck are they fooling? Phonecam pics throughout the week, of course.
100 Photographs That Changed the World
|December 20, 2005|
It's The Season To Open Your Hearts.
You all know how I have feel about illegal Mexican immigrants in this country: I've ranted and raved and carried on about them for years. Foolishly, I never really took the time nor the trouble to investigate the circumstances and conditions that caused them to emigrate from from their native land, or to understand the reasons why they risk great dangers to come here. That changed six months ago when I met the surviving members of the Lopez family, all seven of whom are pictured in the attached photograph. Once I heard the tragic story of how they were orphaned by a mudslide in Mexico that left them quite literally, with little more than the sombreros on their heads, my heart melted and I could not help but reach out to embrace them.
Accordingly, in defiance of United States immigration policies I have taken them into my home and given them a semblance of the family they tragically lost.
While that action has been tremendously gratifying, it has not come without significant personal hardship and sacrifice. The cost of providing for the needs of seven new family members has been substantial. Additionally, my girlfriend could not accept my desire to provide these orphans with the aid and comfort they so desperately need, so she decided to leave me. She will be missed, but I am looking for honorable individuals to aid me in looking after my new extended family.
this god damn place is turning into a kangaroo court!
|December 19, 2005|
Wow, Even MORE Shit About Chuck Norris.
Helen Keller's favorite color was Chuck Norris.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact teas-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not see dead people; he makes people dead.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'".
a new streetsign posted right outside my house, dammit!
|December 17, 2005|
Holiday Eating Tips.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table doesn't know dick shit of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic, you fucking pussy. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Vomit. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a Corvette with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole fucking point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free and not have to clean up.
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of boozed up eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Chocolate custard. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like pumpkin, have two apples and one chocolate. Always have three. Especially if there's only one slice left. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some fucking standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner, fatass.
photos of k-159 the old soviet november class attack sub that sank during a tow
|December 13, 2005|
I'm So Happy I Could Cry!
I found a way to get in touch with all my old girlfriends! And girls, remember.... verical stripes make you look fat, so stick to something horizontal.
Let us not forget the Eleventh Commandment; Thous shalt not speed up upon an armed convoy in Iraq, lest ye be struck down in a hail of bullets. Unless of course you're a little Iraqi kid, then you get to chuck rocks and sticks without fear of reprisal.
Yep, the huge fat black lady with the gigantohugenormous tits? Really does exist. Her real name is Godzilla and she's marching on Tokyo.
That server thingy sure makes my computer load your site nice! I lost Linux just before you switched servers, but the reinstall was NOT what did it. The other slow loads are still slow. Just thought you might appreciate feedback.
Woot! But as much as I'd like to take credit for it myself, the real kudos go to Tom from Express Hosting for helping us out with the new server!
test post on the new server
|December 12, 2005|
It's Not All Bad, Tookie!
Just think, you'll be the first prisoner to get to see the new Richard Pryor show!
And please, why we all sit here and wring our hands and lament, "Oh poor Tookie," let's remember the people he killed. Add in the fact that yes, he's done a lot to speak out against gang violence, but he still refuses to cooperate with authorities and provide information on several others murders he ordered/witnessed to. So...ya do the crime, ya do the time. And if your time just so happens to end with a needle in your arm, well... Neener, neener neener! Merry Christmas, Tookie!
test post on the new server
|December 9, 2005|
It's Moving Day!
Okay here's the scoop, my negros. EHOWA has always been a labor of love for me, but I'm sure availability problems we've been having here at EHOWA haven't gone unnoticed. Trust me when I say, I've been just as annoyed as you have. Actually, a little more so, as can be testified to by my two broken keyboards. For the past month or so, when I would get up in the morning my first thought was, "Hmmm... I wonder if my fucking server is running today?"
The sweet little box we've been sitting on the past four years is just plain tired. The solution to this problem of course, is to move EHOWA (and LBEH) to a new server. This has been something I've been trying to hold off on doing until after we got a lot of important shit done, trying to limp along on the existing server as best we can. On our To-Do list? Best tits voting (long overdue), LBEH 2005 (being crippled by the downtime), oh, and the start of a new scavenger hunt! But, it doesn't look like we're going to make it as the problem just seems to keep getting worse and worse each passing day. In fact, I don't think there's been one single day over the past two weeks were the server has been up for 24 hours straight without crashing at least once. So I've scheduled the site move for this weekend, to begin in the wee hours of Friday night/Saturday morning.
"So," you might be wondering, "just what the fuck does this have to do with you?"
Well the answer is pretty simple, I just want to give everyone a heads-up that you may experience intermittent periods of downtime this weekend while the DNS changes propagate around the internet. Yet as I am Lord of the Internet and always looking out for my peeps, I have touched base with a handful of other webmasters (yeah baby, we are a tight bunch) and after having sent them everything in my inbox...they have agreed to host a lot of the material I was planning on putting up this weekend.
As the saying goes, it always gets darkest before dawn and I'm sure the server move will be the move to cure to our ills. Yes, that's right, no more 60 second page load times! Woo hoo! So, much like the Apollo 13 astronauts as they ducked behind the moon and out of radio contact, I'll guess I'll see you "on the other side". And we better not have any more fucking problems. Because the last thing you want to is piss off Chuck Norris!
a whole bunch of naked chicks - long load time, worth the wait. dial-up users should pack a lunch. NSFW
chuck norris! -
chuck norris! -
chuck norris! -
chuck norris! -
chuck norris! -
chuck norris! -
chuck norris! -
CHUCK NORRIS! -
spectaculat body painting photos
Anyone who wants 24/7 streaming Xmas music on your PC while you’re working... ummm...
|December 8, 2005|
Only Sixteen More Spanking Days Will Christmas!
Well, I think we all learned there's a permenant cure for bipolar disease now!
And what will you get your loved one for Christmas? Perhaps a new bedspread? Or some undergarments? Or perhaps some dignity? But realistically speaking, if you're watching your budget a little, you can always send me off one of these cool fucking neon signs for only $35. I mean, for about twenty times that price Paris Hilton got some new shoes, aren't they spectacular?
The latest in the remote control jet plane series? My beloved F-14 Tomcat... no cool sweping wings, though.
Ladies, can you tell me precisely what you learned in school today? Hmmm? I tell you what I learned in science class - I learned you're on the rag!
can you pilot your speedy santa to a laptime better than 41:03
|December 7, 2005|
By Popular Demand... Even More Shit About Chuck Norris!
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later they discovered is the cause of Parkinson's disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
TODAY IS DECEMBER 7TH - REMEMBER PEARL HARBOR!
ever wonder what it's like to be on the other side of the "can you hear me now" guy?
|December 6, 2005|
There Can Be Only One!
Aw, I didn't know the Navy was retiring the F-14s in favor of the Super Hornets?! C'mon guys, they're the last link back to my hayday of watching Top Gun as a kid. Here's some fucking stellar pictures a guy took at the 2005 Oceana airshow - including a great piece on the retiring F-14s. So long Tomcat, we hardly knew ye.
Too bad we can't be more like animals sometimes, eh?
As for me? Ahh, I'm just enjoying the bachelor life for awhile. (click each page to advance...)
So uhhhh, who do you think has the more redneck wedding? The Camo Couple or the Cradle Robber?
|December 5, 2005|
Ever Feel Like You're Being Pulled In Two Different Directions?
Well, here's one way to stop your car. I didn't see any blood on the seats so the driver must have been somewhat protected.
Somehow, I have the feeling the girl who wears this dress will be a little slutty?
I sent you two videos on a tower that was supposed to be imploded in my home town yesterday. It did not fall as expected. Proving even us rednecks in South Dakota don't always know how to shoot and blow shit up.
The good news is Santa is coming, and the bad news is he's bringing you an epileptic seizure this year.
|December 2, 2005|
LBEH 2005 Starts Now!
Ladies and gentlemen, men and women of all ages, I am proud to announce the official start of this year's Let's Bring Em Home project!
Yes, I know we got off to a little late to start this year, but better late than never right. Actually, the official kick off was Wednesday morning. I just haven't had a chance to write this welcome letter, until now. So in the last two days we've received about $11,000 and donations, which is really good! The catch is, we've received about $17,000 worth of ticket requests, so that leaves us in the hole by about $6,000. And that would be even worse, if we hadn't turned off new ticket requests. Yesterday afternoon. So, long story short, is we're playing catch-up this year as more people have requested tickets that have donated.
Now I know the holidays are upon us and money isn't exactly growing on trees nowadays, but let me tell you a quick story to last year, the mother of a Marine who was deployed in Iraq made the donation in honor of her sons unit. Now she was fully aware that her only son, Trevor, was not going to be able to come home for Christmas, but she wanted to do her part to help another military family enjoy the holiday she could not. Sadly, in February of this year, a mere three months after the close of last year's LBEH campaign, her son was killed in the Al Anbar Province, Iraq.
And, and the Marine Mom? Could any of us blamed her if felt she couldn't bring herself to donate this year? Hardly. Yet true to her son's fighting spirit, she came back and donated more than she did last year.
My faithful readers know that there are only two times of the year that I asked for donations for some cause. Once during the summer, usually to help an injured animal, and the second is in the winter to support my pet project, LBEH. I ask you to think of this Marine, his mother Jewel, and the soldier that she helped fly home last year. No matter how comfortable we are here sitting on our couches and our office chairs, sipping coffee with our feet up, it's tough to remember the men and women of our military are facing danger at every turn. The cold hard truth is, for some American soldiers, this will be their last Christmas -- and I don't mean to sound melodramatic when I say that because some unlucky few know firsthand that it's true.
So if any of you are counting your pennies and mulling over not donating because... you need to save for one more PlayStation game, or you've got a night out with the guys coming up, or maybe you just want to buy a TV that's a few inches bigger, I can only ask you to reconsider and once again donate to the Let's Bring Em Home project. This isn't about who you voted for in the last presidential election, or who you feel is right in the Cindy Sheehan vs GWB debacle, or who you think lied about what. It's about helping our soldiers and their families, one plane ticket at a time.
The easiest way to donate is via paypal by sending your donation to email@example.com. I'm setting up a PO box to take checks & money orders, plus new for this year we can accept wire transfers. And remember, your donations ARE tax deductible!
So please, may the EHOWA army hear my battle cry one more time - Let's Bring Em Home!
Lance Corporal Trevor Aston, USMC. KIA Operation Iraqi Freedom. February 22nd 2005