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July 31, 2005

Ask And Ye Shall Be Answered

I love you guys. You make me smile. I ask and ye answer. All in all I received about two dozen, "I think the plane is..." emails which all seemed pretty well founded. Everyone had theories on what USAF trainer it was but alas, two people came through with the real what's what surrounding the details of my birdstrike video. Turns out it wasn't us at all, but the military of our neighbors to the north, the Canucks.

First off, Marlon sent in the link to this article confirming the details surrounding this specific crash. Then on a more personalized note...

Hey Ernie

I visit your site quite regularly, but I've never written in till now. The jet in question is a CT-155 Hawk. It is a jet trainer built by British Aerospace Systems and flewn by the Canadian Air Force.(CT-155 is the Canadian designation. The British designation is BAE 115 Hawk, or something like that.) The accident happened about 2 years ago in Moose Jaw, Saskatechewan, where a lot of the pilot training for the Canadian Air Force is done. I just completed pilot training there myself, although I didn't fly the Hawk.

Anyway, as you can see, they had a bird strike shortly after take-off. They were doing about 230 knots, and at 200 feet when they sucked in the bird. The one and only engine flamed out almost immediately. There was a student and instructor in the airplane at the time. The instructor immediately took control and attempted to turn around in order to carry out a forced landing. However, they didn't have enough altitude and decided to eject. They were at about 800 feet, 150 knots when the ejected. Both pilots survived. The student had virtually no injuries. The instructor severely injured his spine and broke his leg. The student returned to flying almost immediately. I am unsure if the instructor is back flying, but as of about 7 or 8 months ago, he was not.

Here is a link to a site with several pictures of the Hawk, as well as more info. I'd be happy to answer anymore questions you may have.

Cheers,
Mike G.
Pilot, Canadian Air Force

So without too much fuss, looks like we have mystery solved! My thanks to Mike, Marlon, and everyone else who wrote in. You's my bitches!

Oh, also, cool thing. I worked with the guys over at CyberPrank and they built me my very own instant messanger prank-bot. You can pop in the screen names of your friends and an AI-robot will pretend to be a real person and kind of chat with them for a few minutes. When they're done, you'll be emailed a copy of the IM log so you can make fun of your victim as they tried to cybersex with a Pentium processor. it works with AIM, Yahoo, and ICQ. Have fun!

naughty, naughty, down right bawdy - more girlfriend pics (definitely nsfw)


July 30, 2005

Gimmie A Bottle Of Anything And A Glazed Doughnut. To Go.

More nukes. Nukes. Nukes. Nukes. Watch 'em assplode.

Well, if you're going to get into an accident and roll over your SUV on rain slick roads, I'd recomment doing it in a Lincoln Aviator since they look pretty safe.

your go-to-guy on how to score with fat chicks


July 29, 2005

Gear Not Down!

Hey maybe one of you flyboys can take a look see at this birdstrike video and let me know what kind of a plane it was? I'm assuming it was a single engine since they had to eject? I tried to figure out what it was but didn't have any luck.

Hey what do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already told her twice. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Those of you running naughty-naughty copies of Windows XP might keep yourself out of federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison and take refuge in this little hack. I'm legit thanks to my beloved e-machine.

And along those lines ladies, you're welcome to swing by my place anytime you'd like. My door is always open! Just don't step on my foot, okay?

i love you melissa midwest. especially when it's hot outside and you break out the garden hose


July 28, 2005

Doom Trailer! Doom Trailer! Doom Trailer!

Hey did I mention that I found the Doom trailer online? Anyone want to guess where I'll be on 10/21/05? Thanks to Shumpy for pointing me in the right place. Now I'm about as giddy as this guy.

As a kid growing up, my favorite plane of all time was the F-15 Eagle. I used to buy books about it, I used to daydream about flying one, hell the first game I ever bought for my Commodore-64 was "F-15 Strike Eagle" by Sid Meier. The Eagle reigned supreme over the skies here for some 25 years, but her age is starting to show. When someone sent me these pictures of the first F-22 Raptor being delivered to Langley, I was glad to see it was being escorted in by an Eagle. But I have to admit, I really felt forry for the old girl. (Warning, the pics are all 1024x768)

This was kind of a rough week, especially for animals. Not only of the doggie variety, but of the birdie one, too.

This was pretty funny, and oddly historically accurate -- what if World War II was an online game.


July 27, 2005

I Did Not Write That Piece Of Shit, You Maggot!

Dear Everyone,

Please stop forwarding me the transcript of a supposed interview between R Lee Ermey and some douchebag reporter. It is not true. It is like most things that say, "make sure you forward this to all your friends" -- a fucking chain letter. In fact, it pains my heart every time I see it in my inbox, because it makes me face the fact that there are people so fucking stupid, they actually believe it's genuine. Please stop exposing yourself as the fucking morons you are - don't send it to me anymore. Thank you in advance.

Your Favorite Muthafuckin Webmaster.

friendly reminder to all the londers who might ride the tube today

camel toe fans rejoice - keity is wearing blue and yellow today

guy selling a used condom on ebay -- anyone want in before i snap it up? no?


July 26, 2005

I Gots Some Links For Joo, Meyn.

Anyone remember what I said about bumper stickers?

Honey, I'll bet you $400 you won't strip down naked and pump gas for a complete stranger. Okay, you're on, fat boy.

Sweet, more angry ex-boyfriends posting their ex-girlfriends. I got dibs on the coked up brunette with the trashy playboy tan mark over her box...

Optical illusion time. This is a still photo - nothing is moving. The illusion of movement is created in your big fat head.

Everyone be safe out there.


July 25, 2005

Why Hippies And Hybrids Suck.

So you're sick of paying $2.50 for a gallon of gas and think a hybrid is going to keep a few more greenbacks in your pocket, eh? Think again, Hippie.

Between commuting to work and tooling around to little league games, the average American drives 15,000 miles a year. Given that info, let's take a look at the following figures...

  2005 Toyota Prius Hybrid 2005 Honda Civic Hybrid 2000 Ol' Ford Taurus
(a) Cost $21,515 $19,900 $6,995
(b) Income Tax Credit -$560 -$560 -$0
(c) Monthly Payment $505 $467 $164
(d) Average MPG 55 48 24
(e) Gallons/year 272.7 312.5 625.0
(f) fuel $/year $627 $719 $1,438
       
COST OF OWNERSHIP YEAR 1
(C x 12) - B + (F x 1)
$6,130 $5,767 $3,410
COST OF OWNERSHIP YEAR 4
(C x 48) - B + (F x 4)
$26,202 $24,747 $13,640
COST OF OWNERSHIP YEAR 10
(C x 48) - B + (F x 10)
$29,966 $29,060 $22,265
COST OF OWNERSHIP YEAR 20
(C x 48) - B + (F x 20)
$36,238 $36,247 $36,640

Now this is assuming: 6.0% financing for 48 months, $2000 income tax credit for hybrids on a 28% tax bracket, $2.30 cost per gallon of gasoline. No, I didn't factor in an annual increase of cost per gallon of gas, because well, I'm on vicodin and quite frankly it was too fucking tricky.

But even if you do factor in increasing gas prices, you can see it's going to be at least 15 years before you get your $'s worth out of a hybrid. So what it boils down to is this: if you're looking to save the environment and sing Kum'ba'yay, then great the hybrid is for you. Enjoy your headband and tofu, and I'll be the guy blowing hydrocarbons past you on the highway in my 12 mpg Ram. But if you're looking save yourself from being bent over the oil barrel, just buy yourself a nice used car and leave the pleasure of riding on batteries to your girlfriend.

more angry ex-boyfriend posting ex-girlfriend pictures - and she's a hottie too!


July 24, 2005

I Changed My Mind At The Last Second.

You know, at first I planned on having no sex in this update, but decided against it.

I don't know what surprises me more about this redneck - the fact that nobody has smashed his windows yet, or that fact that he's from a northern state.

her name might be kelli young, but i'll call her kelli hot hot hot


July 23, 2005

Uhhhhh, Yeah.

I have stared danger and death in the face many times over the past few years, but only I can end up with a broken bone in my foot simply by trying to push something bigger than me. Yep, I pushed, right my foot rolled and then I heard this crunching potato chip sound. It's not too painful as long as I don't put any pressure on it and keep my foot elevated up over the back of the couch. I mean things could have been worse.

So, I think it's going to be more of an annoyance than anything since I have to more or less remain on my back with my foot propped up. Heyyyyy, time for some hookers! Or some fingerpainting?

And of course I'm going to get more than my fair share of television over the next few weeks, I'm sure. Maybe I'll be able to watch Danica Patrick win her first Indy Car race? Speaking of which, I wonder if she shaves her, you know...trims her bush?

This my friends, is one big fucking snake, as verified by snopes...

Little Laura is cute, but someone should introduce her to a razor.


July 22, 2005

Things Are Kinda Upside Down Right Now.

C'mon, anyone who's flown to Israel knows their security is better than this!


July 21, 2005

Take Two Of These And Call Me In The Morning.

Hmmm, another attack in London. I think it's time the release of thermonuclear weapons should be authorized. Yep, nuke Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Syria, and anybody else who wants to get smacked around some.

Somebody's knockin at the do', somebody's ringin a bell. And having a good time doing it, too.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to say that Spuds McKenzie's career is officially over. No, really over.

Ahhh, the weekend is almost here, time to sit back and relax. So, watch this nice sooooooothing car commercial to get things started...


July 20, 2005

A Hymen? I'll Take It!

A lot of people ask me what makes "us" better than "them". Well the answer is simple - how many insurgents do you know of that will provide medical attention to a wounded US soldier, instead of trying to hack their fucking head off? Not many. Besides, our guys have better taste in camouflage.

Don't be so proud of this technological terror you've created; the power to rock a frat house is insignificant next to the power of the force.

At the risk of getting called an old softie, here are some baby hummingbirds in their nest from egg to disappearance.

boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies


July 19, 2005

I'm Big Pimpin. Bitch.

Just how redneck can you get? Think you can get more redneck than this Alabama bass boat? Because I'm betting not.

There's not many things in this works more beautiful than a nicely shaven pussy. Oh, alright, I'm sorry, here. Better now?

So this other night, I was playing quarters with the guys and this new punk shows up. I didn't remember much the next morning, other than my head hurt a lot. And I had a new t-shirt. And for the life of me, I can't seem to figure out why.

When I drive to Florida, do you think I should take along my shrimp buddy?

eh, a little anti-nuke, but gets pretty descriptive as to what happens in a nuclear attack


July 18, 2005

RECENT ORDERS TO TROOPS IN IRAQ.

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

1. All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

2. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]

"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]

"Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]

"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."

"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

So, I am on a life quest for some of those t-shirts.

Here, now it's officially slammed into the EHOWA archives... You are a.... So quit breaking my balls, okay?

mmmmmmm, australia. who won the miss reef contest?


July 17, 2005

Sometimes I get So Confused.

Wow, I guess this guy really hates horses.

Like Malcom X said, win by any means necessary.

this my friends, is one horny tomato


July 16, 2005

I Lub Wock An Whoa.

Let me tell you my friends, you haven't lived until you've watched a retard sing Joan Jett's 'I Love Rock And Roll' at karaoke. Aside from a lot of beer, that was truly the highlight of my Friday evening.

Crunch, crunch, crunch. Industrial strength shredders vs things like boats, railroad ties, refridgerators... you name it.


July 15, 2005

Sometimes I Just Need Some Tough Love.

If there's two things people know about me, one I support our troops and two I love boobs. Fortunately, I can now do both at once! Ha! And you wonder why chicks wear bras.

Cool - a web designer in the UK has started the now famous saying, "I am not afraid." Here's a cool mosaic of pictures that have been sent to him from people all over the world.

Phone pranks rock. I used this speech engine to call up my boss and say, "You eat the fattest of cocks." HAHAHAHA! Drinking rocks!

This four wheeler slams his head off the steering wheel and passed out... but while still on the throttle. Much drama ensues! Or for those of you craving boobies, there's this one of a cute brunette named Giovanni gearing down poolside... Mmmmmmm, boobies!

Oh and be sure to check the phonecam pics -- vehicle rollover on the way to work had me stopped on route 3 for an hour. They even called for a Med-Flight!


July 14, 2005

There's Truth In Advertising.

Hey anyone want to buy a motorcycle helmet? Because that helmet was meant to party! Yeah baby, let's party! Rock and Roll, Woooooooooooo!

Here is a video from Kirkuk AB, Iraq... "It happened when a rocket impacted by our MSA and started a fire which burned into the MSA and set off a series of explosions that rocked our base for hours. The four large explosions are 2000 pound bombs exploding. One miracle was that no one was injured during this incident." [watch]

Whew, at least none of our guys were hurt right? I mean that's a weight off my shoulders.


July 13, 2005

Rules Are Meant To Be Broken.

Well, guys. be honest. Would you?

Now we all know that I fear spiders. We all know that I am super double dog just plain petrified of camel spiders. So you can certainly understand when I was creeped out as this guy eats a baby one on camera. Eeeeeeeek!

Behold, the now thin and kinda hot but somehow still trashy... Anna Nicole Smith at the Live-8 concert! Say what you want, but I bet she gives a whale of a handjob.


July 12, 2005

Nursery Rhymes For Grown Ups.

Hey stay strong, England. And it's good to see you're getting back to your normal routines. In fact, I received some pictures from a UK reader of her and a two of her girlfriend taking a stroll around London. Long live the Queen!

Mary had a little pig,
she kept it fat and plastered;
and when the price of pork went up,
she shot the little bastard.

Hey diddle, diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock and shit himself.

Moving is going slowly but surely. I'm starting sort through all my crap and decide what I want to bring with me to Florida and what's just not worth keeping around.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too 'cause he was a gay little homo.

There was a little girl who had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad, she got,
a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Attention cat lovers: here's your chance to shine and name a cat that got it's leg hacked off in a car engine. Looks like it's time to find a safer place to live, eh?


July 11, 2005

Now Don't Be Greedy.

Am I the only person who hopes that Lance Armstrong doesn't win this year's Tour De France? I mean fuck, the guy came back from tecticlular cancer to become Mr Super Athlete, he's set all kinds of world records, and he's banging Sheryl crow. Last year was the perfect opportunity to retire at the paramount of his career. But no, he gets greedy and wants to have just one more win. Fuck him, I hope he comes in fourth.

Cliff Clavens of the world rejoice! The Bible translated into Pig Latin. Oink!

Guts, gore, crime and mahem. Your crime encyclopedia for the ages.


July 10, 2005

I Feel Like Suzy Homemaker.

So for the past four days I've been spackling and taping and sanding and painting and vacuuming and shampooing. And Ike doesn't help at all, he just sits there on the couch and chew his rawhide. And I'm pretty fucking sick of it thank you very much.

Readers in Alaska should be on the lookout for a new street gang that's been prowling around near Anchorage. They look like a pretty tough group, too

Star Wars fans can get on board the "Pimp My..." bandwagon with your pimped out Millenium Falcon tshirts.


July 8, 2005

Okay, Out With It Already.

Now I'm as open minded as the next guy, but I'm going to publicly confess something here. And while I know it's going to be politically incorrect to say, I also know that deep down when the lights are off and you're sure nobody is looking... most of you have come to feel the same way I do. And I've tried very hard not to feel this way because I know two Arab Muslims and they're both really great people; honestly some of the nicest you'll ever meet. But it's got to be said.

I think Islam is an evil religion.

What? How dare I cast such a broad stroke? Well, I'll tell you.

A few short months ago, there were accusations made against American soldiers at Guantanamo Bay. Sources claimed they pissed on the Koran, flushed it down the toilet, and the like. Now at just these accusations the Muslim world went fucking bonkers. There were violent protests, embassies being sacked, Bush effigies being burned, non-Muslims people being shot... all sorts of crazy shit. People with crazed look in their eyes shouting, "Death to America!" into any camera pointed in their direction. Many Arab leaders called for those American soldiers accused of desecrating the Koran to be turned over to Islamic

So here we are a few months later and the British are picking through the rubble in London -- like we did in New York City. Like we did in Washington DC. Like the Australians did in Bali. Like the Spanish did in Madrid. Like many Iraqis civilians do every fucking day. And each time the attackers were crazy fucking nut jobs who proudly announce their attacks are done in the name is Islam.

So I ask you -- where the fuck are the Muslim protest now? I mean sure, you have Arab heads of state issuing a public statement, "Oh we condemn the attacks," but that's a pretty fucking anemic response when compared to the anti-US protests or the response to the Koran news, don't you think? Why aren't they burning effigies of Bin Laden or Zarqawi? Why aren't they marching in protest and pointing into news cameras screaming, "No, no, baby! These people do NOT act on our behalf! This ain't what Islam is about baby, we're good peeps! We say live and let live!" Why aren't all these crazy fucking one eyed clerics preaching these people need to be brought to justice instead of spreading more anti-west hated? Why aren't the heads of Muslim schools and mosques doing more to rally public support AGAINST these kinds of attacks? Instead the only protests we hear from the Muslim world are to complain about racial profiling whe

I guess what it boils down to is, why the fuck is pissing on the Koran the cause for such outcry, but the killing of innocent people in the name of their religion perfectly acceptable? If their religion really is about peace, why don't they start showing it? What the fuck?

Now I've tried to keep an open mind about this, but I'm about out of ideas as to why their isn't more of a response from the Muslim world? The only fucking reason I can think as to why they don't protest against it, is they condone it. Please somebody... anybody... tell me I'm wrong.

by popular request - here's the 22 y/o woman police tazer video


July 7, 2005

Yeah, Nuke Em Tony!

So I spent the morning out getting my finances all in order in preparation for the upcoming move and didn't have the opportunity to check with any news media for awhile. I come home, and invite my friend Flaherty over to help me carry a dryer out to my truck. He's like, "So how about London?" I'm like, "Uh, ok, what about it?" We flipped on the news and it was then I learned of today's attacks.

Like all of here in the United States, we're horrified that you were attacked, but thankful the death toll isn't higher than it is. Trust us, it could have been worse.

Part of me wishes it's the IRA's work, even though I know it's not. And I say that only because I'd much rather have the Brits attacked by an old enemy, than by the one we've been battling with for the last five years. But we both know who's responsible; Al Queda. The Brits are being punished for standing beside their longstanding ally, the United States, in the war against these crazy Islamic fundamentalist motherfuckers.

Dear President Bush,

Please pick a city that has a lot of terrorists and drop a big fucking bomb on it, because they're evidently not getting the message.

Thanks in advance,

The Big E

And so I'll sit here for awhile and watch the news to see how things develop. And if you guys need any help, I'm sure you can count on us. Because God knows, you can't count on the stinking French. Be strong.


July 6, 2005

So Long James Stockdale, We Hardly Knew Ye.

I'm really too young to remember anything about James Stockdale coming back from the Vietnam war, but I do remember his faintly from the 1992 VP debates. I didn't really give a rat's ass about politics then (like I do now? Ha!) so I didn't pay close attention, but I remember the press were pretty rough on him the following day. And to add insult to injury, Saturday Night Live did a parody on the debates where his character seemed scatterbrained and just rambled incoherently, "Gridlock! Gridlock!

What a way to treat our heroes, eh?


July 5, 2005

I Feel Like I Woke Up Next To THAT.

I dunno about you people, but I had one hell of a Fourth of July.

Awww, here's a cute little picture of two children who went fishing togather. See, pussy will get you everything.


July 4, 2005

click in the above blank space
or click here to download!

229 Years Of Kicking British Ass!

Just for a moment, before the beer, bratwurst, burgers and bangs begin, take a moment to remember what we are celebrating. Our country's birthday.

Some of us were lucky enough to have won the genetic lottery to live in this country; others left their homelands to be here. Both of us enjoy more freedom than anywhere else in the world. Appreciate that.

Also remember that our freedom is not cheap and often we pay for it with the lives of those people who choose to defend us. Honor them.

Our forefathers swore: "For the support of this Declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."

They gave you and me a free and independent America. So have a happy and safe Independence Day!


July 3, 2005

Things I Learned At Yesterday's Party.

1. Ike doesn't like black people.

2. You don't have to worry about being, "that drunk guy," as long as Sully is around.

3. Finn is a natural at beer pong.

one big fucking catfish - read the story


July 2, 2005

Time For Some Good Eats.

Well, today's the day everyone cooks out and has people over for beer and fun. Relax in the sun, swim in the pool a little bit and just chill after a pretty fucking stressful week. And the best part? I get to be one of the guests which means - hey no cleanup afterwards! I will bring Ike, but alas, no people food for him. We've had enough of that shit already.

Hey, take a sneak peek at the Navy's newest carrier based bomber due to be deployed in 2009.

Oh, I almost forgot. There's gonna be beer and broads at today's festivities, too. Woot!

i don't host 'em, i just post 'em - chloe's 18!

must. go. to. midwest. to. see. melissa.


July 1, 2005

No Steak For You!

Sorry for the super late update yesterday folks, I had to take Ike to the vet on kinda short notice. I took him with me to a barbeque this past Sunday and he got more than his fill of ttention, chasing the ball, getting over fear of water... and eating human fod. So I awoke Monday morning around 4am to the familiar HORK! HORK! HORK! HORK! that all pet owners know means your pet is about to empty the contents of his stomach onto your carpet. Which for him isn't all that unheard of since he's a small dog and can be sensitive to sudden changes in his diet. Only this time he barfed every twenty minutes for about two hours straight. That made me nervous.

Then for the next two days, he simply couldn't drink enough water. I'd fill the bowl, he'd drink it and look up for more. I'd fill it again, and he'd drink it and look up for more. I'd be in working on the computer and hear the ceramic clunk as he nosed his water bowl around looking to squeeze blood from a stone. And with excessive drinking comes excessive peeing and well, I live on the third floor. You do the math.

Top that all off with one last mini-puke on Wednesday morning which had a few swirls of blood in it, and it was off to an urgent trip to the vet.

The official diagnosis is a pancreatic flare up. It seems rich foods -- ahem, such as steak, thank you very much -- can cause irritation of the pancreas. The irritated pancreas makes the stomach secrete more acidy goodness, and viola... the stomach empties out to prevent digesting itself. So I just need to make sure people don't sneak him too much people food anymore.

Long story short is I coughed up $250 to learn my dog was a-ok, and that's money well spent to me.

This girl I know, lives on the 4th floor of an apartment, and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood she has been having trouble with a peeping tom that lives next door. Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while wearing her bikini this peeping tom looks over from his balcony, as soon as she removes her top, he stares at her. She has complained to the superintendent about this peeping tom, but he says she must have positive proof before he can do a thing - She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her.


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