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June 30, 2005

No I Said They're Good For Your EYES.

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June 29, 2005

Keep Those Highbeams Lit!

Hmmm, pretty interesting turn of events at work, regarding my moving to Florida. We'll just have to wait and see how this one plays out.

Here's a pretty funny practical joke to pull on a coworker. Pretty hot wife in the background photo too. Hooo-wee!

And in the words of the great Bob Barker, "Please spay and neuter your pets."

Oh my sweet President Ahmadinejad , my heart just throbs for you.


June 28, 2005

Ring-Ring. It's For You.

Now here's a rather entertaining email I received earlier in the week...

"You may not know this, but there's a very strict cell-phone policy in Iraq. Very strict. If a military convoy sees you on a cell-phone, they immediately open fire because of all of the improvised explosives being detonated with cell phones. There have been posted signs warning about cell-phone usage in like 8 languages since shortly after the initial invasion. Anyway, there was this Iraqi fuck who kept wasting everybody's time reporting false bomb threats and non-existent weapons caches, putting people on alert while giggling about it after the fact. He would pass out anti-American pamphlets, scream epithets at passing vehicles and similar bullshit, but kept avoiding arrest somehow (not real important). Chris's platoon is tagging along on an aid convoy, and

Gunner: "Is that him?"

Chris: "Yup, motherfucker keeps stirring us after...."

*Automatic gun fire* [pause] *more automatic gun fire*

Chris: "Cell phone?"

Gunner: "Looked like it to me."

Chris: "You'd think he'd see the signs."

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now that's some funny shit.


June 27, 2005

Ready.... Aim..... Shock!

Okay, now this is just plain fucking disturbing.

I got a pretty big meeting with the ol boss about moving to Florida tomorrow afternoon. Gonna try to stay on the payroll and continue doing my job from home when I get down there. Well, at least that's the plan. But I gotta admit, I'm a little bored today.

Okay, now this is just plain fucking disturbing.

So, looks like our troops don't have just bullets to be worried about. I wonder what kind of an effect it would have if you did drink the water anyway?

Okay, now this is just plain fucking disturbing.


June 26, 2005

Nigga Please!

You know, it kills me to say this, but in regards to my car and shifting into 3rd gear...so far so good. I'll be damned if I can't get this fucker to grind. Yet. But hey the weekend isn't over and I have a lot of time on my hands.

Two things your mom tells you that you should always listen to. One, always wear clean underwear and two, always wear your seatbelt. I'm still trying to figure out how his brains ended up in the center console. Weird.

Hubba hubba. Two things came to mind as I watched Jessica Simpson's These Boots Are Made For Walkin video. One, I'd like to plow her. And two, the real General Lee's doors were welded shut!

Here's a pretty good clip of combat footage compiled from Afghanistan. Not quite as good as Grouchy's but still pretty good.

Hey all you Vietnam Veterans, click here.

http://www.michaelyon.blogspot.com - where the tanker pics came from


June 25, 2005

USC 2257 and Child Pornography.

The updated United States Code 2257 comes into effect today. Any porn site out there without the required documentation should prepare to be anally violated by Uncle Sam. My thoughts on this law and how it affects EHOWA are rather long winded, so I've created an individual page for my rant. You can read it here.

Hey did you hear Michael Jackson is being forced to downsize in order to pay his current legal bills. He is selling his Neverland ranch and buying a van, two puppies, and a couple bags of lollipops.


June 24, 2005

Beware: I Cornhole Back.

So Mr Dealer man calls me back later yesterday and says he made a misclacluation on the cost of said transmission oil, and this wonderful service will now only cost me $570. What a fucking deal. I told him he better come up with a better answer than that, and he promised me a callback from the Ira's service manager. This morning, the Assistant service manager called back and now the price for a synthetic fluid change is $185, which I gave him the go ahead to do. I don't think it's going to do anything, but if it's the first step in exhausting all options before I drop the hammer, then yeah I'll spend that money.

Meanwhile, back at the Batcave, I called around to a few other Audi dealers here in the greater Boston area and explained the symptoms my car was having and Ira's diagnosis (and fee). One servce rep openly laughed out loud. But both said the same thing: if the grinding noise was happening in all the gears, then yes, changing the fluid may have an impact on the problem. But for a problem so specific to only up shifting shifting into third gear, then a fluid change wouldn't do dick. Everyone says the same thing: bad synchro.

I fired off this little gem to the Ira's general manager last night (notice the lack of expletives!) but he's out of the pocket until Monday morning, so that will have to marinate over the weekend.

But I did just receive a call from Audi in response to a customer complaint I opened yesterday. I explained the circumstances surrounding why I brought the car in and guess what - even that guy says, "Yeah sounds like a bad synchro, so I don't think a fluid change would do anything." He promised to call the dealer and get back to me by end of day even if just to say, "Sorry I don't have an answer for you yet." So we'll see.

Hind sight being 20/20, it seems Ira was not the wisest choice to do business with. Take a look at this list of Audi/VW dealers within 100 miles of my zip code. Overall, Ira is ranked 545th out of 556 dealers. So you can certainly understand I'm feeling a little duped here.

Meanwhile, Frank the asst svc manager, reports that if the fluid change doesn't work the next step would be to replace the transmission. Yes, you heard me, I said "replace". Apparently, Audi considers the 6-speed transmission a field replaceable unit, meaning they don't repair them they just yank out the old one and pop in a new one. To the tune of $7,000 a pop. Of which Audi would graciously cover 75% of the cost, leaving me with ONLY a $1,750 bill. I laughed at him.


June 23, 2005

Watch Yer Cornhole, Buddy.

So I'm sitting in my office just now and my cell phone rings. I answered it and then had a very comical conversation. I'll try to reiterate it to you as best I can...

Me: "Yello." Him: "Hi, is this Ernie?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "Hi this is Dave from Ira Audi."
Me: "Hi Dave from Ira Audi, what's up."
Him: "Well, we've got two ways we can go with your transmission problem."
Me: "Okay, lay it on me.
Him: "The techs here seem to think that if we change out the transmission fluid, it might clear up your problem."
Me: "Might?
Him: "Yes. We had a hard time finding what was wrong, and we can reproduce the problem only some of the time, so they think that's perhaps the best first step."
Me: "First step. And how much is that?"
Him: "$780"
Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, no seriously, how much?"
Him: "It'd be about $480 in labor, and an additional $300 for the fluid."
Me: "FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS TO CHANGE THE FUCKING TRANSMISSION FLUID? AND IT MIGHT NOT EVEN FIX THE GRINDING?"
Him: "It's a sealed unit, so the whole transmission has to be removed and lowered down for service. To pull that down, change the fluid, replace the gasket, is about four to five hours worth of work."
Me: "And just how much transmission fluid are we talking about?"
Him: [Asks tech in the background] "That'd be four quarts."
Me: "Four quarts."
Him: "Four quarts."
Me: "So at $300 for transmission oil that's $75 PER QUART. Does that seem reasonable to you?"
Him: "Well, it's synthetic."
Me: [Getting angry now]"I don't give a shit if it's got melted gold in it, transmission fluid does not cost $75 per fucking quart."
Him: "Well I figured the cost of oil on the high side, just to be safe."
Me: "And this MIGHT solve my problem."
Him: "Yes, might.
Me: "And if it doesn't?"
Him: "Then we can go to bat for you with Audi to get a new transmission."
Me: [Bullshit klaxon blaring] "A new transmission. So you want me to spend $780 for a transmission service, gambling that might not solve my problem, to alleviate replacing the entire transmission for it grinding when shifting into one single gear? I tell you what, $80 to change the fluid is a gamble, $800 to change the fluid is an assfucking."
Him: "Would you like me to get a more accurate cost on the oil?"
Me: "Yeah, you do that."

C'mon people, I'm just looking for a little honesty here. More breaking news as the situation develops!


June 22, 2005

That's Not A Green Thumb.

So a funky weird thing is happening with my car. When I'm accelerating at a good clip, it'll gring gears when i shift from 2nd to 3rd gear. Doesn't happen when I'm driving subdued, only when I'm pushing it. Doesn't happen when I downshift from 4th to 3rd, only when I'm going up from 2nd. The higher the revs the worse the grind. It's at the dealer now and they be'a'fixing it. Something about a gear synchro? I dunno, I just know gas=go and brake=stop. Dunno why I felt compelled to tell you about that, but hey it's how I spent my morning.

It should also be noted that my fucking allergies are killing me again, and I can't wait to move to Florida.

Sometimes I find people I hate. Other times I find my heroes. Anyone want some popcorn?


June 21, 2005

I'll Tell You Why.

So in every interview Tom Cruise has done in the past month, all he's done is rave about about his dating Katie Holmes. Now, because he's so vocal about it, there's a lot of speculation as to whether or not the relationship is real or a publicity stunt. Me personally, I believe real and I'll tell you why.

You're a 42 year old man. You stands a mere 5'5" tall. And you're banging a 26 year old hottie. Her name is Katie Holmes. You can bet your fucking ass I'd tell everyone too!

In fact, if I were banging Katie Holmes, this wouldn't be called "ERNIE'S HOUSE OF WHOOP ASS!" it'd be called, "ERNIE'S HOUSE OF HEY EVERYBODY I'M FUCKING BANGING KATIE HOMES!"

So get off the guy's back, and let him score the hot box while he can, will you?


June 20, 2005

No Habla Engles.

This post goes out to the managers of my local Burger King and Dunkin Donuts.

America is the land of opportunity. It is here that immigrants can take a minimum wage job and maintain a lifestyle at or above that of whatever land they came from. These jobs may not be glitzy or glamorous, but they pay an honest wage for honest labor. Great. Now, I'm sure you're aware of this since most of your workers appear to be from some Latin American village. And that's fine, I am totally cool with that. In fact, I admire your providing these people with jobs so they can support themselves, as opposed to my having to support them by welfare. I wish them the best of fortunes here in our land of opportunity.

But I only ask one small thing of you and, now don't consider me a prick here, but what the fuck? If your workers can't speak good English that's understandable, but please give them a position that minimizes their interaction with customers until they can 'habla engles' a litle better. Don't just hand the motherfucker a headset and have them try to take orders from people in drive thru, especially since that's already fucked by some cheap speaker that always makes the person on the other end sound like they're standing in the inside of the Lincoln fucking tunnel. No I did not order, "el cheeseburgeros," okay? Seriously, this is an enormous pain in the ass for everyone involved, so just stop it.

Thank you in advance for your consideration on this matter.

WARNING: THIS LINK IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK
don't say i didn't warn you


June 19, 2005

Oh, My Ovaries.

The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody¹s out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?

Now that I've discovered that the condom is supposed to go over my penis rather than my girlfriend's head, I feel bad about all those women I accidentally suffocated.

pictures of a fire hydrant painted with a red sox theme


June 17, 2005

An Unused Speech.

When man first landed on the moon 36 years ago, President Nixon had a speech all ready in case man could not get off again. A contingency statement was prepared for Nixon, an eerie, poignant tribute that he would deliver while the astronauts were still alive but when there was no longer any hope for them. The memo, entitled "In Event of Moon Disaster," is dated July 18, 1969, two days before the moon landing. Nixon never had to act on it. Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin made it safely off the moon, back into the command module with Michael Collins, and home. The Apollo XI astronauts spent more than 21 hours on the moon, watched by millions around the world on TV. Nixon had the happy duty of putting in a phone call to them while they stood on the dusty lunar surface. But had something gone terribly wrong, these words were prepared:

"Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice. These two men are laying down their lives in mankind's most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown. In their exploration, they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man. In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood. Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man's search will n

According to the memo, in the event of disaster Nixon was advised to call each of the "widows-to-be" before reading the statement to the nation. Then NASA would cut off communication with the stranded astronauts and a clergyman would "adopt the same procedure as a burial at sea, commending their souls to 'the deepest of the deep,' concluding with the Lord's Prayer." It has long been rumored that astronauts landing on the moon carried suicide capsules in case their return became impossible.

raven riley takes it off while laying on a black leather couch


June 16, 2005

The Word of the Day is THIS!

Anybody got $50 they'd like to donate to this lady to get her to put a fucking bag over her face?

Once I get to Florida, I'm gonna open a bar. And it's gonna look just like this one!!!

Okay, cool military shit time. We've all seen the close up picture of the guy plugged by a .50 cal rifle shot in Iraq. But have you seen this video of .50 cal kills by a Marine sniper in Afghanistan?

There are stars Wars fans, and then there are Star Wars nerds. Guess which one this desk belongs to?

I need to find me a girl who can fit into this tiny pink dress!


June 15, 2005

Shut Yo Mouth!

So the results from Terri Schiavo's autopsy were released, and I don't think there were any surprises there.

I'm pretty excited about moving but like everyone else in my situation, I don't look forward to haveing to deal with real estate agents again. I mean ya gotta get all raising cane on em. Either way? More time to ride ye olde ATV!

Imagine you're a man down to your last shred of self respect.


June 14, 2005

Money Can't Buy Happiness, But It Can Buy Impunity

You gotta be fucking kidding me. Spiked their drinks with booze. Showed them gay porn. Showed them his little gloved hand. Climbed in bed with em. And they find him not guilty. You gotta be fucking kidding me. That trial was a train wreck from the word go. There simply is no justice for the world's elite.

Yep, it's times like this I just wanna lock myself into a bad hotel room and shoot up.

Chances are I'll be flying a lot over the next few months as I get all my shit sorted out. I sure I hope I don't have to sit in seat 29E for any of the flights.


June 13, 2005

All Warm and Squishy Inside

Alright I gotta admit, I'm a little flattered by all the show of support I've received with my moving to Florida announcement. You know? Despite all your faults, you fucking people are alright.

Q. What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
A. They both come on little crackers.

I know, all this making fun of Michael Jackson is pretty mean, I'm sorry. It's just that all this sex talk on tv is getting to me.

"because there's no 'i' in warcraft" -- leerroooyy jennnkkiiinnnnnsssssss!


June 12, 2005

Daddy Spank!

This was a show of force in Mosul after some Americans had been killed. It's shows some MH-60's firing on a target illuminated by a hand held laser. The first shots are the 20mm (tracer/high explosive incindiary @100 rounds per second) - makes a buzzing sound. Then followed by 30mm chain gun (no tracer), then 2.75 inch rockets.How would you like to be on the receiving end of this?

You know, doctors aren't the only ones who can prescribe happiness in a pill.

use your nukes to stop the zombies from taking over the last of mankind


June 11, 2005

Sometimes Ya Just Gotta Say...

I'm a very conservative person. And I don't mean politically, although yes I know some of my views do swing that way (kill em all!) I mean more as a lifestyle. With the exception of nearly killing myself on my ATV, I'm not huge on taking unwarranted risks. I remember making spreadsheets over what's the best car to buy when I was 19. I joined the Air Force instead of the Army or Marines. I pay for the higher coverage on my car insurance for extra protection in case I get into an accident. I always wear my seatbelt. I sit in an exit row on an airplane. I unplug my coffee pot before I travel. I have a duplicate copy of my license in case I lose my wallet. I take vitamins.

In short, I look before I leap.

So when the opportunity came up for me to move, I was of course cautious and skeptical. You see, I'm comfortable where I live right now, it works for me. It's safe. It's dependable. It's familiar.

And, it's nowhere near as fucking nice, nor have as much opportunity, as the location I can move to. And so I am faced with The Decision. Stay where I am and continue with a prosperous yet meek life? Or roll the dice?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Well, I've made up my mind. Sometimes, you just gotta say, "What the fuck."

And so, I've decided two things. One, I'm going to start banging fat chicks. And two, for the first time in the last 12 years, I'm pullin up stakes and moving. To the Sunshine State. To Fort Myers, Florida. There are 35,000 of you each day. Don't let -- don't allow -- me to back out of this!!

The thought of such uncertainty scares the living fucking shit out of me, and you know what? That's a good thing. Will I make it? Well, only time will tell. Either way, at least I can say I took a shot.

more huge fucking excavator fun! only thing time it's excavator vs bulldozer!


June 10, 2005

I Sendeth Thee On A Quest

Way the fuck back, many moons ago in 1996, The Boston Beer Company held a contest. They accepted beer recipes from all over the country, presented them all in one big beer fest, and then bottled and produced the most popular three. Those beers were called "Long Shots" and consisted of: an American Pale Ale, a Black Lager, and my personal favorite, a Hazelnut Brown Ale. Keep in mind, this is 9 years later and I can still remember how good this beer was. SO my question to my masses is; do any of you remember these beers? And more importantly, has anyone come across another Hazelnut beer that's anywhere near as good?

Oh, a quick favor for a friend here: anybody looking for a nice dining room set? His girlfriend is looking to get rid of it.


June 9, 2005

Ross Eats Cock

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? That's Ernie. He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old webmaster and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 2005, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. We were starving. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."

Ernie his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

the largest bucket wheel excavator in the world

naked people from asheville


June 8, 2005

I'll Scare The Shit Out Of You

But first, I'll scare the shit out of myself. So, it is my pleasure to report to you, that yesterday afternoon at work, I shat my pants. Please, allow me to regale you with my story of ass woe.

You see, lunch yesterday was at an Italian restaurant with a nice bowl of Balsamico Chicken. If you haven't had the pleasure, please do, it's terrific. Anyway, following lunch I was sitting at my desk and I had the sudden urge to fart. Well, since the office is pretty empty I said, "Hey why hold back?" And so I leaned over on one cheek for a little go.

Yet instead of a gentle dance with relief, I was ambushed by a warm bowl of trouser chili.

The instant following the betrayal of my sphincter, I realized things have gone astray. I knew that I had to make it to the can, and fast. So I stood up and began the trip down the hall, through the security door, down a second hallway, and finally into The Chamber. I became keenly aware that the foreign substance in my boxers wasn't exactly the most solid I've seen or heard of, so instead of great strides I was forced to resort to the short stepped duck waddle to avoid leakage. Did I mention that since the weather finally turned nice, I wore shorts yesterday?

So took awhile, but alas, I made the journey to the shitter and locked myself into the handicapped stall so I had a little more room for damage assessment. Now regardless of the urgency of the matter, I still had the presence of mind to lay down a protective barrier of toilet paper on the seat before sitting down. I mean, shit I'm not an animal. I flop my bare ass down and keep my feet wide apart to keep my shorts pulled right.

Now let us and begin to survey the damage... you'll be happy to know the chili spill was contained to just my boxers -- it hadn't leaked through to my shorts yet. So I peel my khaki shorts off and hang then over the crip bar for safe keeping. Then before I know it, I'm sitting in my work bathroom holding a pair of slightly soiled men's mens boxers in my hands. Had I been wearing jeans like usual, my cell phone would have been clipped on my belt affording me the ability for some great webcam pictures. But alas; shorts. Ah, ain't life full of surprises!

My way ouf of this isn't too complicated. I simply have to get my ass clean, dispose of my soiled undies, and go commando the rest of the day. But what to do with my skivvies? Wrap em in hand towels and throw them out? The garbage can was only a few steps outside the stall, but that's a hell of a risk to take. Can you imagine a co-worker, or even better yet someone from one of the other companies on my floor, pushing his way into the bathroom door and seeing me standing there naked from the waist down, cock and balls bouncing around in all their glory, holding a pair of shitty underwear in my hands? Joyous as that sounds, I decided against it.

No, clearly I had to dispose of the evidence within the confines of my stall. So I began the careful task of ripping my shorts into small shreds suitable for flushing down ye olde toilet! Woo hoo! It was tedious work mind you. I mean I'd have to pull my shorts back on in a minute, so I had to accomplish this delicious little task without getting shit on my hands! So I get three tears in the fun and wouldn't you know it, some asshole comes in to use the bathroom. And to make matters worse, the fucker cops a squat in the stall next to me! What the fuck! But does my torment end there? Nooooo, because to join this fuckface, some other tool of a guy comes in to take a piss. Fuck! So now I'm sitting there bare assed on the john, listening to these two assholes talk about TPS reports, all the while holding shreds of my shit stain

So, after what seemed an eternity, both these tools leave and I return to my work of defiling my skivvies even more. I flushed two shreds at a time, because the last thing I wanted to do is walk out of a clogged stall with water flowing everywhere, and "HAYNES" sticking out of the fucking toilet. They all went to their watery grave peacefully. I wiped my ass sparkling clean, donned my shorts again, and gave it one final flush for good measure.

I marvelled at the sensation of my balls swinging freely against my legs and gleefully returned to my job. Yep, just another day in paradise.


June 7, 2005

Finally, Some Decent Fucking Weather

Pretty interesting the differences between American and European styles humor. Things we find funny, they may not, and visa versa.

High speed photoraphy is pretty bitchin. Check out these pics of a Sea Sparrow missile being fire from an aircraft carrier. You know somebody on the other end is gonna get the hammer.

Only in Alabama would parents let a little kid do a keg stand at a wedding.

Well, I guess not all peace lovin hippies are bad. I mean hey some of em got good ideas.

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my new wallpaper - american flag in iraq with blast cloud in the background (1024x768)


June 6, 2005

Remember D-Day

Ernie,

Well, the anniversary of D-day is coming up, and I got something for ya.

My brother is in currently in Europe, touring around and getting laid like every young man should at some point in his life. As we are a military family, he felt compelled to travel to Normandy to see where it all went down. The attached photograph was taken from what was the German fortified position on Utah beach. The picture was taken at low tide. In the center of the photograph is a man who stands 6’ tall. That man is standing half way down the beach. If my memory serves me correctly, the Allies hit the beach at low tide. Imagine the kinda balls it took to run up all that way under heavy fire? I would suspect that those balls are big, hairy, and made out of solid brass.

This is the kinda shit you gotta see to really start to understand.

Enjoy, and respect.

Gene


June 5, 2005

Muslim Bumper Stickers

My other car is a bomb
This vehicle makes wide right turns into buildings
Keep honking, I'm rewiring
Visualize World Jihad
My other car is in the abdomens of 50 Israeli civilians!
I blew up 500 friendly Iraqis and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.
0 to KABOOM in .2 seconds.
My 12-year-old can blow up your honor student
In case of Jihad this car will be exploded
What part of ULLULULULULULULU did you not understand?
Martyrs do it like it's their last time
My kid and YOUR money go to Gitomo Bay.
I'm Muslim but you're ugly and I can blow myself up
Baby Terrorist On Board
If you can read this, there's a car bomb in the trunk.
Fatah you looking at?
Honk if you Beat your Wife
Driver carries only $20 worth of C4


June 4, 2005

Can You Follow Some Simple Directions?

Sure, you can. Or can you? This is a very simple test. You have only three minutes to answer these questions.

1. Read everything before doing anything.
2. Put your name on the upper right hand corner of this paper.
3. Circle the word "name" in sentence two.
4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner of this paper.
5. Put an "x" In each square.
6. Put a circle around each square.
7. Sign your name under the title.
8. After the title write "yes, yes, yes".
9. Put a circle around each word In sentence no. 7.
10. Put an "x" in the lower left hand corner of this paper.
11. Draw a triangle around the "x" you just put down.
12. On the reverse side of this paper multiply 703 by 9805.
13. Draw a rectangle around the word "paper" in sentence no. 4.
14. Call out your first name when you get to this point in your paper.
15. If you think you have followed directions up to this point In the test, call out "I have".
16. On the reverse side of the paper add 8950 and 9850.
17. Put a circle around your answer.
18. Count out loud In normal speaking voice backwards from ten to one.
19. Now that you have finished reading, do only sentences one and two.

There, you're not so fuckin smart after all, are ya?


June 3, 2005

Oh My Head!

As a kid, I can remember beating off to Whitney Houston's music videos when my parents weren't home. Somehow I just can't see me doing that today.

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Imagine being a Star Wars nerd to the point where you dress up as Darth vader for movie premires. Then imagine your Star Trek nerd girlfriend asking you to bring home stuff for dinner. Nerd shopping.

Ladies. There's nothing more than a man loves more than to take naked pictures of you. I'm sorry if it makes you feel cheap or exposed, but it's the truth.

a day in Iraq - a journal from a deployed soldier


June 2, 2005

Don't Make Me Get Medieval On Your Ass!

In between walking in and out of the house last night, I happened to catch a few minutes of The Supernanny on TV. What a fucking joke this broad is! She's at this house where the family had trouble keeping one of their little Pains In The Ass in bed after they put him down for the night. Little bastard doesn't learn his lesson and gets up like five or six times. Man that shit wouldn't have happened in the Stewart household when I was growing the fuck up. I'll break it down for you:

[Child gets out of bed the first time]

Supernanny: Okay now back to bed with you. [puts child back in bed, kisses child, hugs child, closes door.]

[Child gets out of bed the second time]

Supernanny: Okay now back to bed with you. [puts child back in bed, kisses child, closes door.]

[Child gets out of bed the third time]

Supernanny: Okay now back to bed with you. [puts child back in bed, closes door.]

[Child gets out of bed the fourth time]

Supernanny: [puts child back in bed, closes door.]

[Child gets out of bed the fifth time]

Supernanny: [puts child back in bed, closes door.]

[Repeat ad nauseum]

Hmmm, well that's so cute. I'm sure after an hour or so he'll stay in bed, probably only because be too fucking tired from getting back out so many times. Let's see how my dad would have handled it.

[Child gets out of bed the first time]

Ernie's Dad: Get your ass back in bed.

[Child gets out of bed the second time]

Ernie's Dad: I SAID GET YOUR ASS BACK IN BED NOW DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN OR I'LL BLISTER YOUR LITTLE ASS!

And with that, I'd get a good night's sleep! Viola! Parenting Old School style baby!


June 1, 2005

I Hate New York!

You were supposed to sing that like in the tourism commercial, in case you were wondering.

I remember one of the things I really enjoyed when I moved out of New York (you know, besides not stepping on needles when I went to the beach) was that my allergies don't bother me anywhere near as much as they used to. Yeah that's right, another fucking allergy post, so get over it.

I drove back to Rottenchester this week for a little face time with the family and of course to pick up the sled I won last month (I don't know how much I'll use it - nyone wanna buy it? First $7k walks away happy!) and the instant I crossed the "Now Entering New York" my eyes started to itch and my nose run. Maybe I'm allergic to dirty people, I dunno.

Anyway, I'm popping Allegra like candycorns and they're having zero effect. The first two days I'm miserable like a bastard. And then just for shits and grins, my sister-in-law has my try a Clariton. Now I used to take those many moons ago and they stopped working; hence the switch to Allegra. Now the Allegra doesn't work anymore, and Clariton has saved the day.

So uh, does your body kind of build up an immunity to certain drugs after awhile? It was 2-3 years before Clariton stopped working, and now 2-3 years for Allegra. So my Spidey senses tell me yes?


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