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March 31, 2005

Well It's About Damned Time.

So Terri Schiavo's body finally died, thank Christ.

You're lost at sea and people give up on you after two days. A fucking building collapses on you and you've got a week at best before rescuers pack up their shit and say, "Well we gave it the ol' college try."

Personally, I'm amazed she lasted five days, let alone thirteen days. I didn't think you could survive that long without water. Me thinks somebody was sneaking her some when nobody was lookin, but hey moot point now right? She finally found dignity and that's what counts. And if nothing else, I know there're tons of attorneys out there with a boost in business thanks to her.

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a bicycle tire? When the tire is dead you can just jam a new tube in it!

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a television? News stations don't camp out in your lawn when you unplug your tv!

Why did Terri Schiavo's dog run away? You would too is your name was "UUUURRRPPPPHHHHLLLTTTT"!

Only a few days left to help Mike.


March 30, 2005

It's Enormous! No, It's Humungus!

As some of you have gathered from this morning's PhoneCam pictures, I took one of Burger King's new Enormous Omlette Sandwiches for a test spin this morning. Yes, perhaps the only breakfast sandwich released into the marketfare that made national news: 730 calories worth of heart stopping goodness. Critics call it the worst thing for public health since the invention of crack cocaine. Fat bastards hail it as the closest thing to a soulmate they're ever gonna find. Me? I call it the most fun you can have for $2.99 without having to pay a cover charge at the door.

Sure it sounds excessive, as a society that's programmed that smaller always means better, let me ask you: Is it really that bad? This is just another area where people will have to exercise personal responsibility. All things are good in moderation. Have one of these things a week and you've got no problem. Have two of them every day and well, what the fuck do you think is going to happen? Now I'm not saying it's healthy, by any means. But is it so much worse than what's already out there? Let's take a look at the numbers...

  Calories Total Fat (g) Cholesterol (mg) Total Carbs
BK's Enormous 730 47 415 9
McD's Big Breakfast 730 46 465 53

For those of you who've never had the pleasure (or never worked at McDonalds), a Big Breakfast isn't all that big. It's two scrambled eggs, a piece of sausage, a buttermilk biscuit, and a hashbrown. That's it. Nothing absurd, nothing excessive. Nothing people don't get in thousands of other restaurants every morning. In fact, they're pretty much the exact same meal except Burger King installed handles for faster delivery.

Ask yourself, is this new onslaught to our senses all that bad? I don't think so. In fact, I found it quite delicious. So pick your poison folks: McDoanlds or Burger King - either way they're belt bustin good. Just remember personal responsibility. Oh and that car you see ahead of you in drive-thru is me.

check out the third photo down in this ebay auction

some college chick posts all kinds of pictures from her sorority parties (check out parent folder too)


March 29, 2005

Okay Here Ya Go.

In the next few paragraphs lie the answer to yesterday's riddle. If you're just sitting there and scratching your head and wondering, "What riddle?" then STOP, and first read the March 28th update located just below this one.

The brakeman's nearest neighbor can not be Mr. Robinson, since Mr. Robinson lives in Detroit and the brakeman is halfway from there to Chicago. The brakeman's nearest neighbor can not be Mr. Jones because 20,000 is not evenly divisible by 3. The brakeman's nearest neighbor is one of those 3 passengers, so he must be Mr. Smith.

The passenger with the same name as the brakeman lives in Chicago, and we know that Mr. Robinson and Mr. Smith do not live in Chicago, so Mr. Jones must live in Chicago, so the brakeman must be Jones. So Mr. Smith is either the fireman or the engineer, but since Smith beats the fireman at billiards, he can not be the fireman, so he must be the engineer.

See, piece of cake! But before I go, one last treat for you...

At 11:45 AM 3/17/2005, ADAM IN AUSTRALIA wrote:
I have this pic of a dude in a car accident...
He has a club lock (steering lock) embedded in his head....
Adam
ps: he survived & is ok!


March 28, 2005

I'm Cornholin Ya Good Here.

Okay, I have to admit I'm kind of an asshole. Seriously. We just got over a holiday weekend, many of you are still waddling around after gorging yourselves on a big meal, maybe even a little hungover and now I have to play this little game with you...

On a train, Smith, Robinson, and Jones are the fireman, brakeman, and engineer, but NOT respectively. Also aboard the are three businessmen who have the same names: a Mr. Smith, a Mr. Robinson, and a Mr. Jones.

1) Mr. Robinson lives in Detroit.

2) The brakeman lives exactly halfway between Chicago and Detroit.

3) Mr. Jones earns exactly $20,000 per year.

4) The brakeman's nearest neighbor, one of the passengers, earns exactly three times as much as the brakeman.

5) Smith beats the fireman at billiards.

6) The passenger with the same name as the brakeman lives in Chicago.

So my question to you is: Who is the Engineer?

Awww, does thinking about this make your brain hurt? Don't worry, I'll be giving the answer tomorrow for those of you too fat and drunk to figure it out on your own.


March 27, 2005

Happy Muthafuckin Easter!

Q. Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He doesn't want anyone to know that he fucked a chicken.

Little known quote from the Bible: "Save me an egg Peter, I'll be back in 3 days."

Q. Have you been to the John Rocker easter egg hunt?
A. None of the eggs are colored.


March 25, 2005

Hoppy Weekend, Everybody!

Well today is Good Friday, and Easter is right around the corner. Which only means one thing - don't forget the chocolate bunnies!

Now friends, this is one patriotic babe - and if any of you assholes write in to complain you're not supposed to treat the American flag this way, I say you can kiss my ass.

So is you sign up, remember guys, there's no "I" in "team", okay?

So I got in a fight one time with a really big guy at a bar, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I leaned back and bought his girlfriend a drink and said, "Well, It's not very absorbant and you won't be able to get into the corners very well." Ha!

the cannonball run - european style so it's the gumball run (sweeeeeeeeeeeet cars)


March 24, 2005

Hey Strippers, Listen Up!

Okay, so maybe you want to be called, "exotic dancers". Terrific, but either way it comes down to you showing me your tits for $1, which isn't a bad thing and I certainly intend no disrespect. I'm just calling a spade a spade. I would however, like to take this opportunity to offer a few suggestions which stem from a recent strip club visit.

Number one. And this is pretty fucking important, so pay attention. Do not -- I say again DO NOT -- get your child's name tattoed in the center of a heart on your shoulder blade. I'm sure this was done out of the depest maternal love, but here's what happens. A standard tabledance move is to grind your ass into a guy's crotch, like you're simulating sex doggie style. It's supposed to turn the guy on, get him all excited, and make him want to get another dance from you and shower you with gifts and money. Here's what happens when I have to look at, "Austin Paige" every time you grind into me. I look at the tattoo, and then I look at your pussy. Kid's name. Where the kid came from. Kid's name. Where the kid came from. Kid's name. Where the kid came from. It's pretty fucking disturbing. So by the end of the song, which by the way can't come soon enough, I'm just looking t

Number two. Let's face it, not all girls are physically equipped to be strippers. It takes a certain kind of physique to be able to go out there and make money just by showing off your body. Of the dozen or so girls that parade across the stage, you have to have an edge, and taking great care of your body tends to be just that. Just a fact of life, not all girls can have such a body. So just because you can take your clothes off for money, doesn't mean you should. So when you get up on stage and the DJ immediately makes a joke about you eating a lot, thus earning you the instant nickname, "Cheeseburger" among the club's patrons? You may want to consider (a) a diet or (b) another line of work. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Number three. Let's face it, not all girls are emotionally equipped to be strippers. It takes a certain kind of mentality to be able to go out there and make money by showing off her naked body. Of the dozen or so girls that parade across the stage, I'm sure some would perhaps choose another line of work should the opportunity present itself. So just because you have a great body and can make a lot of money by showing it off, doesn't mean you should. So when when you go into the bathroom with this shamed look on your face, and come back out five minutes later with a placid mile that makes you seem a thousand miles away and your teeth are brown from heroin use? You may want to consider (a) laying off the smack or (b) another line of work. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.


March 23, 2005
Who WIll Die First?
The Pope
Terri Schiavo

view results

Men, Women, and Haircuts.

Haircuttee - Woman 1
Haircut Noticer - Woman 2

Woman 2: Oh! That's so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't so sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

 

Haircuttee - Man 1
Haircut Noticer - Man 2

Man 2: Haircut?

Man 1: Yeah.

perhaps one of the ugliest women i have ever seen in my life


March 22, 2005

Time To Get Our Game Face On Baby!

As a lover of irony, here's a new one I didn't even see coming.

Someone you know was naughty. Someone you know talked the talk, but forgot to walk the walk. Someone you know lost his own message. Someone was bad.

And so, I was caught by Johnny Law.

And thus in three weeks, I will put my money where my Part III is. I will walk into the room with the Clerk Magistrate and a representative from Le'Policia and I will say, "Yep, I'm fucking guilty, I broke the rules, and well, what can ya do for me?"

Will I catch a break? Or will a policy of tough love give me the cornholing I so deserve? Well, only time will tell. The worst that can happen is I get what's coming to me.

From: "Paul Miller"
Subject: Mrs. Schiavo

Being its not your daughter , i guess you can portray terri using any words you choose. When one of your family members finds themselves in a similar situation im sure you will use the same launguage to discribe them, Because you pull no punches right. Be prepared, you just cursed yourself and your family. Be prepared, and when it happens remember what terri told you through me. I would say good luck ernie, but it wont help you now,

So there you have it folks, proof that when you break the rules you get punished. I was speeding three months ago, and now I'm forced read emails from people who claim to communicate with vegetables. Kill me now.


March 21, 2005

Will You Just Fucking Die Already?

You know, a lot of people accuse me of being callous and evil because I wish so many people would die. Truth be told is, I'm not so much wicked as I am easily annoyed. This bitch has been bouncing on and off my news for a few years now, and I'm sick and tired of hearing about it. The tube it out. The tube is in. The tube is out. The tube is in. What the fuck? I say to hell with Terri Schiavo

So can somebody just shoot her or something so this whole fucking ordeal is done and over with? Jesus Christ, she's a fucking vegetable, she's never going to recover, and if the state treated an inmate the way her family is treating her it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment. Quit being so fucking selfish. Let the broad die already. Better yet, donate her organs so others can live the normal life that she's never going to have again.

Terri's Law. Please. More of my fucking tax dollars well spent. I'd rather spend time on someone who CAN be helped.

Can you duplicate yourself? Do you want a tattoo.


March 20, 2004

The 8 Worst Convenience Foods.

Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."

Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up as a cracker spread.

Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.


March 19, 2004

McGwire? Steroids? No, Surely You Jest.

So right now my fucking tax dollars are paying to have some juiced up meatheads called on the carpet about steroid abuse in baseball. Are you fucking kidding me? Is this really an issue that needs Congressional intervention? Is the only solution to this for our elected lawmakers to take time away from -- oh, I dunno, helping to run the fucking country -- and do what the baseball league should have done eons ago and get their guys off the juice?

People are surprised Mark McGwire might have used steroids! Please. The guy swings around fucking tree trunks without so much as a grunt and people scratch their heads and go, "Gosh, how'd he do that?" Oh, I dunno, but maybe the six foot biceps and shrunken balls might be a clue.

"My lawyers have advised me that I cannot answer these questions without jeopardizing my friends, my family and myself," McGwire said. "I intend to follow their advice."

Roger Maris was ten time the athlete you ever were. You're a fucking pussy and your record is a sham.

baby, i've been undressing you with my eyes for some time now


March 18, 2004

So A Duck Walks Into A Bar!

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Man, did I ever have a strange St Patrick's Day.

partying with susan will always be a memorable time


March 17, 2004

Yummy, Yummy, Yummy! Irish Roadkill Chili!

Happy St Patrick's Day, you Irish fucks. Don't get too blasted tonight. Here's a recipe that was popular in Irish neighborhoods during the Great Depression...

4 lbs. fresh road-kill
1 tsp. black pepper
2 12 oz pilsner style beers
1-3 tsps. oregano
2 Jalapeno peppers (chopped)
1 tbsp. cumin powder
2-4 tbsps. chili powder
1 tbsp. salt
4 cloves crushed garlic
1 16 oz. can Cantadina tomato sauce
1 tbsp. finely chopped green onions
2 tbsps. chopped bell pepper

Grind up 4 pounds of fresh road-kill. Note: sometimes, due to the condition of the road-kill, grinding up may not be necessary). Just about anything is acceptable (armadillo, rabbit, possum, chicken, unidentified...), but stay away from skunks since their odor may, have a negative effect on the final result.

Mix all the meat in a large kettle. Brown the meat, stirring occasionally to mix well. Once the meat has browned, add the tomato sauce, beer (or wine) and all of the seasonings. It is a good idea at this early juncture to use only half of the chili pepper and oregano and reserve the rest until later so that you can season to your taste.

Cook over low-medium heat for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent sticking, then reduce heat to low and cover. Cook covered for 1 hour, stirring from time to time. Sample for taste, increase seasoning as desired, and cook on low for another hour, stirring occasionally.

Sample again and add additional cumin, chili pepper, oregano, Jalapenos or critters to suit your taste; turn off heat and place in the refrigerator over night. Reheat on the following day and serve. For an especially tasty presentation, serve up in bowls and sprinkle the top with chopped white onions and shredded Monterrey Jack and cheddar cheeses. Feeds 6 to 8. Enjoy!

Coming soon to a store near you - EHOWA mousepads.

cheryl crow caught topless and has point little brown nipples


March 16, 2004

Training Is Fucking Killing Me

I'm stuck in some lame ass training this week, and it's fucking killing me.


March 15, 2004

Kick Me While I'm Down?

I'm against so-called technological advancement. For example, it was a sad, sad day when transistors replaced telephone switchboard operators, because chips don't have breasts that jiggle up and down as they raise their arms to plug in the connection wires.

Alright Puddy, you win your $20. I have to admit, I cheated and had two martinis. I just couldn't help myself, and well, I paid the price.

Behold, the most fucking fun you can have at the government's expense without ending up behind a barbed wire fence...

These pics are my class and I doing SPIE (special purpose insertion and extraction) rigging. We're going through the basic reconnaissance Marine course and this is one of the methods we use to insert and extract. It was fucking tits! Big fat Oprah tits! I wanted to get some shots of everyone landing but I never had my camera out. Usually what happens is the guy on the bottom lands, first falls over and that causes everyone else to pile on top of him and cause a huge mess. Its so funny and sad because they break the first rule to being a Recon Marine, "No matter what happens always look cool doing it". - Mark P.

Lately, I've been thinking of heading back to some night classes. You know, to broaden my horizons a little.

so what do you suppose squirrels, penguins, pigs, and the dukes of hazard have in common?


March 14, 2004

Are You Supersticious?

The Norse, whose mythology gave us fear of the number thirteen, are also responsible for the anxiety over Friday the thirteenth. Friday gets its name from Frigg, the Norse goddess of the heavens. When Norse tribes dropped their polytheistic religion in favor of Christianity, they began vilifying Frigg, calling her a witch. In their attempts to malign the goddess who used to represent love, fertility and wealth, people began to make up stories about her. In one tale, the deserted goddess was said to convene weekly meetings with eleven other witches and the devil - a total of thirteen pa

As a result of this story, Friday became known as the "Witches' Sabbath" and Friday the thirteenth was especially feared.

Oh by the way only thirty three more days until your taxes are due. So pay up or else.

can you set a satellite in orbit? tougher than you think


March 13, 2004

I'm Sorry Come Again?

A funny thing just happened. My phone just rang and I looked at the Called-ID and it read "1-254-220-5511", I thought for a minute and then said to myself, "Hmmm, I don't know anyone from that area code," but being a gambling man I picked it up anyway.

A person on the other line claimed to be the Chelmsford Police Department and said if I didn't pay some outstanding parking tickets within 72 hours, a bench warrant would be issued for my arrest. This struck me as odd since I (a) don't have any parking tickets and (b) the Chelmsford area code is 978. I know that since, well, I fucking live here.

The tool on the other side of the phone became flustered when presented with this area code information and decided the best response was to scream, "JUST PAY YOUR PARKING TICKETS MOTHERFUCKER!" before hanging up. Not very clever especially considering he's on my caller id. So, I thought maybe you folks out there in EHOWA land might want to give him a call and say hello...

1-254-220-5511

Fuck with me, will ya? Homie don't play that. Enjoy folks, eat em up!

awwww, the top ten cutest kittens in the whole wide world


March 12, 2004

I'm Your Huckleberry

One of my all time favorite movies is Tombstone. In addition to being a testosterone filled kill flick, there's some great lines in that movie. In one scene, Doc Holiday and Johnny Ringo face off and exchange quips in Latin. Subtitles would have ruined the electricity of the scene, so here's what happened...

As Wyatt Earp runs the poker table in a crowded saloon, an inebriated Doc Holliday and his redheaded Hungarian whore are standing behind him and a group of Cowboys (the evil guys) enter led by Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo. Introductions are made and as the two big guns size each other up, Doc makes a comment about Johnny Ringo...

Doc Holiday: He reminds me of... Me. Now I really hate him.
Wyatt Earp: [To Curly Bill] Don't mind him, he's drunk.

Doc: [Doc takes another drink from his tin cup.] In vino veritas.
Johnny Ringo: Age quod agis.
Doc: Credat Judaeus Apella, non ego.
Johnny: Iuventus stultorum... [taps his revolver] ...magister.
Doc: [whispering] In pace requiescat.

Johnny proceeds to draw his revolver and gives an impressive demonstration of his gunskills by spinning and twirling it. Doc answers with a repetition of the same moves, except using a tin booze cup instead. Everyone laughs and enjoys the joke, and Johnny walks off. So, long story short nobody gets shot to hell in that scene. But here's a translation as to what was said...

Doc: In wine there is truth.
Johnny: Be careful in what you do.
Doc: Let the Jew Apella believe it; I will not.
Ringo: Fools always learn from... experience.
Doc: Rest in peace.

About an hour later, Doc Holiday politely relieves Johnny of his brains with a single shot to the forehead. Truely one of the best party flicks ever. So there you have it folks, you're no daisy. You're no daisy at all.

well my washer finally shit the bed, soooo i had to put it out of its misery


March 11, 2004

If You Think About It...

If you think about it, we're all just tubes. I mean in the mouth, down the throat, through the stomach, through the intestines, out the ass... it's just one shot down a long slimy tube. We can conceivably swallow a very long string and have the two unbroken ends hanging out both our mouthes and our assholes at the same time. We never really cconsume anything, we just shove it down a piehole. The fact that we can voluntarily open and close our mouthes and assholes does not negate this fact.

If you think about it, there's nothing magical to a gun. All it does is throw a tiny piece of metal really, really, really, really, really, fast. There's nothing else to it. They're not explosive, or heat seeking, or anything magical like Hollywood wants you to believe. They just throw little pieces if lead. Want to be your own gun? Pick up a small rock about the size of the nail on your pinky finger. Now face your neighbor and throw it at him really, really, really, really, really, really, really, hard. If you were able to achieve somewhere in the 600 fps range, congratulations, you're a gun.

If you think about it, I'm feeling your wife's tits right now. You see my hand is touching my keyboard, which touching my desk, which is touching my floor, which is touching my wall, which is touching my foundation, which is touching my yard, which is touching my driveway, which is touching my street, which is touching the interstate, which is touching your driveway, which is touching your yard, which is touching your foundation, which is touching your wall, which is touching your floor, which is touching your bed, which is touching your sheets, which are touching your wife's tits. And I won't even get into what's happening when she's drinking something at the same time I'm picking my ass, because that's just nasty.


March 10, 2004

Ever Just Feel Ho-Hum?

I was having an out-of-body experience and almost astral-traveled away yesterday, so I grounded myself and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and then the phone rang, and sensing the negative vibrations, I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart, nearly having a primal, but my energy was too blocked.

So I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting, took some flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet. To fix this, I had a Dream Frozen Pie, which, of course, made me hyper, so I did the relaxation response technique I had just learned at the Self Healing Angst Tree Defoliating Center while listening to my subliminal tapes.

But that left me feeling depersonalized, so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, and past life regression, then rebirthed myself, and called Moon Beam, my body worker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu/Reike/Rolfing/Feldenkreis/Swedish/Japanese deep tissue massage. Unfortunately, she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded.

So to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain wave synergy session. This made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dream workshop, which in turn made me clearer for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Reichian-Jungian-Freudian-Ericksonian session at the hot springs, but my aura was too weak for my trance channeling group, so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras.

None of it really worked for me, so drank a twelve pack of beer. And dude, do I feel right with the world.

funny video of a guy translatings songs for deaf people


March 9, 2004

Okay Everybody Sleep Tight

Is there a cure for cancer yet? No. How about Parkinson's Disease? Nope. Hmmm, how about Multiple Sclerosis? Nada. Well then surely we're making progress on Alzheimer's, right? Nyet! Cystic Fibrosis then? Uh-uh. How about Jerry and his Muscular Dystrophy? Not yet. Okay, so then how about a cure for the common fucking cold? Nope, we got nothin! So just what the fuck has science done for me lately?

Well, we can all sleep tight this evening knowing some of the worlds top scientists are working on much larger issues, like making sure some asshole who lived over 3,000 years ago wasn't murdered. Well zip-iddy-fucking-do-dah-day, King Tut wasn't a hapless idiot who got clipped by one of his own guys. Instead he was a clumsy fuck who died of a broken leg. I'll be he was out selling watermelons. Wonderful.

I saw a beggar who was so broke that he was standing on the corner shouting as the cars went by... "Will work for cardboard and magic marker!"


March 8, 2004

I Admire Forward Thinkers

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!

The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.

I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

some wee bonnie clothes! (some big tits too!)


March 7, 2004

Boy Time Flies Eh?

When a mother dies, she must face God with her record of accomplishments. If she's done a good job of caring for her children, she'll get the most sought-after position in heaven, that of rocking baby angels on soft white clouds and wiping their celestial tears with the corner of her apron.

(c) 1997 LadyJ All Rights Reserved


March 6, 2004

Wow These Italians Are Pissed Eh?

The American forces say the car the Italians were riding in was charging the gate and refused to respond to warning shots. The Italians say no fucking way they were approaching real slow and were attacked without warning, most likely as retribution for their paying a ransom to terrorists.

Well, them be two pretty different fucking stories so obviously one side is throwing the bullshit flag. Now I can't see our guys firing on a car without giving them fair warning. And I can't see the Italians racing towards an armed checkpoint without exercising some caution. So... I dunno.

Looks like it'll be anyone's guess how this is gonna play out.


March 5, 2004

URGENT PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNECEMENT.

A young woman was having a meal at a seafood restaurant and suddenly began to experience intense chest pains. Nothing her friends or the restaurant personel did would relieve the pain. 911 was called and an ambulance was sent and the woman was transported to a nearby hospital where doctors removed the womans blouse.

As soon as this was done, emergency room personel were able to properly diagnosis the cause of the pain.


March 4, 2004

How Dry I Am.

You know, as a super webmaster with big ambitions, I get the chance see some pretty beautiful women. But I must admit, I find the woman I want to marry.

Hey in case you were curious why bike shorts are always black, here's the reason why.

Here's a game you'll want to play. Shoot the girls wearing tshirts. With your water pistol.

What famous people are the height as you? I'm the same as Ben Stiller, woo fucking hoo! Somebody kill me. Who knew GWB was 6'2"?

The Ebola Monkey - pissing off Nigerian scammers one at a time! Now, I bet those guys just feel like complete bungholes.

"by the power of greyskull!" and other catch phrases from the 80's


March 3, 2004

The Answer To Your Quest, Little One

1. No one, she was the mayor's wife.

2. Julie gets there at 11:45 (11:50 by her watch, assuming it was ten minutes slow) and had to wait thirty minutes for Ted, who arrived at 12:15 (12:05 by his clock, assuming it was five minutes fast) .

3. I think, therefore I am.

A represents a, b, c, d and e.
B represents f, g, h, i and j.
C represents k, l, m, n and o.
D represents p, q, r, s and t.
E represents u, v, w, x and y.
F represents z.

4. 643; Albert scores 220, Brian scores 45, Chimp scores 195, Derek scores 76 and Elvis scores 107.

5. Holes

6. Adrian and Bernie swim to shore - 7 minutes. Adrian returns - 3 minutes. Carlos and Darren swim to shore - 17 minutes. Bernie returns - 7 minutes. Adrian and Bernie swim to shore - 7 minutes. Total 41 minutes.

7. Are you a donkey? John will say yes!

8. Wednesday

9. Grandfather is 72. David is 22 and sixty grandsons received an invite.

10. Peacocks don't lay eggs.

11. Lion.

12. First he rubs his finger on the table until it is sore, cuts the table in half with the saw. Puts the two halves of the table together to make it whole. Climbs in the hole and shouts until he is hoarse. Climbs on the horse and rides away. (groan)

some sweet lookin beach babes


March 2, 2004

Reasons Why I'll Miss Detective Sipowitz.

1. Despite being a crazy eyed, wild haired, middle aged fat guy who wears ties with a short sleeve shirt, you get to bang hot chicks. First the hookers, then he drills his DA wife (Sharon Lawrence), and then with grand fashion he beds the hottest chick to ever grace the show, Charlotte Ross. Andy, you give hope to underdogs everywhere.

2. If my child was ever kidnapped, you were the guy I wanted out on the streets rousing up skells and looking for him. If my loved one was ever murdered, you weren't afraid to use a telephone book to smack the piss out of someone and get some answers. And if anyone ever broke into my house and roughed me up, you were the guy I wanted camped out in front of my house in a cop car talking about his fish. Yeah Andy, you were one cool cat who wasn't afraid to get the job done.

3. As an actor, Dennis Franz never greedy. He remains married to the same woman he was with before his NYPD Blue fame; he didn't trade her in for some peroxide blonde flavor of the week. And aside from a brief stint as the Nextel frontman, he never got too fucking big for his britches and thought he was too good for television. He hung onto this gravy train and rode this motherfucker for all twelve years. When the season premire came on you always knew Franz would be the headliner - Big Andy and his pasty white ass. Those of you who watched the last show and wondered, "Caruso who?" get my point. The only thing carrying CSI: Miami is Emily Proctor's hotness.

I think NYPD Blue was a terrific fucking show and I honestly enjoyed every charactarer they ever had on. Even the assholes played great assholes. And so, a great part of my Tuesday night ritual has come to an end. No longer will we have a gruff, judgemental prick of a cop willing to do whatever it takes to keep us safe. Damn you FCC. Damn you straight to hell.

So long Andy Sipowitz, we hardly knew ye.

real or staged? i'm not sure. dance, white boy, dance!


March 1, 2004

I Quiz Your Puny Human Brains.

In the Scwabian town of Ulm back in 1674, the authorized town barber proposed an ordinance that was then passed by the mayor. The ruling stated that no man may have a beard, nor may he shave himself. The law further dictated that only the town's authorized barber might shave anyone. The barber, being a resident of Ulm, was thus bound by the law. Who then, shaved the barber?

Ted's old clock runs ten minutes slow a fact of which Ted is completely unaware. In fact, he thinks it is five minutes fast. Ted's girlfriend Julie wears an art-deco type watch that perpetually runs five minutes fast, although Julie is certain that it is ten minutes slow. Ted and Julie want to catch the "Porky's" film marathon showing at noon and have arranged to meet at the theater. Since both of them hate to wait, they each plan to arrive just as the show is starting. Which of the two is kept waiting for the other, and for how long?

Decode the following well-known saying. Each encoded letter represents more than one real letter: B DBBCC, DBADABCDA B AC.

During a baseball series, Albert scores 175 more than Brian. Brian scores 150 fewer than Chimp and Brian's score and that of Elvis totals 152. Elvis scores 31 more than Derek and Chimp scores 88 mores than Elvis. What is the total score for all of the players?

You have a very large barrel that is extremely heavy. There is something you can put in it that will make it lighter? (Lighter meaning less heavy).

Adrian, Bernie, Carlos and Darren are all trapped on an island in the middle of a crocodile infested lake. Luckily they have one crocodile repelling stick that just about protects any two swimmers from certain death. Thus to get to safety a maximum of two swimmers can be in the water at any one time and they have to be together to benefit from the stick. The shore is 100 meters away and they can not throw the stick back, someone has to swim back with the stick until all four are safely on the shore. If Adrian can swim the distance in 3 minutes, Bernie can swim the distance in 7 minutes, Carlos can swim the distance in 13 minutes and Darren can swim the distance in 17 minutes, how long does the overall rescue take? (Psst... The answer is *not* 43 minutes)

My friend John is well known, he always lies. However, Richard always tells the truth. One of them answered the telephone and I did not recognize their voice. What one question could I have asked to determine whom I was talking to?

If the day before yesterday were as far from today as the day after tomorrow is from Sunday, what day would it be?

David's grandfather and his twin brother held a joint birthday last week and invited their entire family. They both have an equal number of sons who, in turn, have as many sons as they have brothers, all surviving. The combined number of all these sons and grandsons is equal to the age of David's grandfather, who in three years time will be exactly three times David's age. How old is David's grandfather, how old is David and how many grandsons received invitations to the party?

Alec, Bill and Charles, were three neighboring farmers. Alec had a peacock which, one day, laid an egg in Bill's car, while it was parked on Charles' land. All three men claimed the egg. Alec says it was his because his peacock laid it. Bill said it was his because it was laid in his car. Charles said it was his because it was laid on his land. To which of the three should the egg rightfully belong?

There are seven animals: a Lion, a Hyena, a Poodle, the Poodle's Puppy, a Siamese Cat, the Siamese Cat's Kitten and a Great Dane. They all belong to either one of only two suborders. One of the animals is called X and one of them, a different one, is called Y. The pupil of the lion's eyes have a different shape from the pupils of X's eyes. The hyena is a member of the same suborder as Y. Y has never touched X. Which animal is Y?

A prisoner is enclosed in a room. This room has no doors, no windows and no other hole large enough for the prisoner to escape via. He has no tools, he has no assistance. He does have a table and a chair in the centre of the room. The room is quite large, walls are two foot thick. How can the prisoner escape?

Oh, and I'll post the answer on March 3rd

the pussy snorkel - don't go down without it!


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