E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
jealous? click here to get your website on ehowa.com for as little as $5 per day
|February 28, 2005|
I Miss You Sam.
Last night I got caught on some episodes of Law and Order, and last week's hit me pretty hard. It was the one with the hunter story. Fastforwarding to the end, the DA guy (Sam Waterson) was sitting in a bar talking about the case he lost. They always have some profound thought at the end of the episode and this time it sounded more like, "Blah, blah, blah" because my attention was fixated on what he had in his hand... a nice glass of delicious yummy booze!
Date: Wed, 23 Feb 2005 183405 -0500 (EST)
From: Cory Mullin
i would like to take this oppertuitty to interduse my self my name is cory joseph thomas mullin
i would just like to say the entertain ment is un bearable it has ben the most highly educational site i've seeen latellee
xcuse the poor writing i hae just returned from a beinge drinking
I LOVE YOU SITE
Now isn't that just beautiful? Almost brings a tear to my eye. Man I miss settling down to watch tv with a nice cold Sam Adams in my hand. I miss a nice heavy tumbler with about three ice cubes dancing their magic dance, and maybe an inch's worth of scotch in the bottom. I miss the warm feeling of a hardwood bar under my hands. I miss a nice dry martini with two big fucking stuffed olives and a little bit of condensation on the outside of the glass. Damn you, liver!
A vagina can look like a beautiful flower, ready to be plucked. or it can look like a bulldog with mayonaise coming out of its nose.
a pretty neat family photo alblum displayed by year
|February 27, 2005|
Go Ahead, Touch It.
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. One nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."
stress relief at its finest - load up the ex's picture and fire away!
|February 26, 2005|
You've Got To Keep Your Eyes Open.
And please folks, for the safety of both you and the animals, don't speed in a wildlife preserve. Thank you.
|February 25, 2005|
Does The Pope Wear A Funny Hat?
Okay, I know everyone is thinking the same thing, but nobody is going to say it because you're all afraid of getting struck by lightening or something, so I'll do it. But the fucking Pope needs to hang up his hat and retire. For a few reasons.
One, he's on my fucking news too much. The Pope is sick. The Pope has the flu. The Pope is in the hospital. The Pope is out of the hospital. The Pope is back in the hospital. The Pope can't breathe. The Pope can breathe. Well here's a newsflash...Ernie doesn't fucking care.
Two, He's incapable of doing his job anymore. Sure I know that traditionally a Pope's reign has only ended with his death, but that history comes from a track record of two hundred year old medicine. With today's medical technology, we're keeping this guy chugging along long after he should have cashed in his chips. The guy can't even hold a goblet of wine anymore without turning it into a fucking martini, and that's assuming he can speak which he can't. So if he can't kneel down next to a dying man and administer last rights, he needs to step aside.
Three, he's turned a blind eye and let more priests fuck more kids than anyone cares to think about. Personally I think he should have resigned two years ago for this reason, but you know me. Normally I don't meddle in other people's affairs.
Finally, there's someone wiping his ass. C'mon, it's awful to think about but you know it's true. You can take one look at the frail ol Pope and know that after an "giving communion" he can't take care of business himself - he has neither the strength or dexterity. So yes, that means that somewhere at the Vatican there's a man whose job is to wipe the Pope's ass after he takes a smash. And that my friends, is just fucked up.
So if you want to be a good ol'boy and pray for the Pope's health and safe recovery, great. Go nuts. But if the guy can't do his job then needs to step aside and stop being a selfish bastard.
kiss my ass saddam!
|February 24, 2005|
Once there was a competition...
And the idea of this competition was to see who who was the best using a longbow and arrows. The target was an apple set on top of a little boy's head.
First man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the apple. The man puts his hand to his mouth and shouts, "I'm William Tell."
Second man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into William's arrow. The man puts his hand to his mouth and shouts, "I'm Robin Hood."
Then the third man steps forward, aims and shoots directly into the boy's left eye. The man puts his hand to his mouth and shouts, "I'm sorry!"
|February 23, 2005|
I Hate People.
No seriously. As a general rule, I don't like people. People are assholes. I don't like my neighbors, I don't like my co-workers, I don't like the people on the other side of the bar, I don't like the clerk who checks me through line at the store, and if I happen to pass you in an aisle...chances are I don't like you either. Unless you have big tits.
What I have always been a sucker for however, are animals. Now no, I'm not trying to say I'm some Grizzly Adams type, but with animals you always know where you stand. I bore witness to a conversation the other day, where a guy is looking for an English Bulldog. It's what he's always wanted, they cost a lot of money, blah, blah, blah. So I suggested he go to petfinder.org and do a search... it's quick and painless and within a few minutes I found him many suitable -- or so I thought -- candidates ready to rock and roll. There were even a few purebreeds in the list -- now to be fair some of those dogs had some sort of medical condition which needed to be remedied prior to adoption. Said medical issues probably played a part in them being given up for adoption to begin with, but these were all deserv
I just sat there stunned. But really, that comment sums it all up, doesn't it? How quintessential of humanity to think we're bigger than we really are.
Could you imagine animals being the same way? "Well shit, my owner just came down with multiple scholorisis, so fuck this I'm outta here." No, instead I could come home from work today with my leg sawn off, my face disfigured from a car fire, my body riddled with cancer with my head bald from chemotherapy, and coughing up blood -- and my dog would still jump up and down and bark and lick my hand as if I were his most favorite person on the planet.
People suck. Dogs rule.
Yes, I know Paris Hilton's phone was hacked and along with hundreds of celebrity phone numbers, more candid photos were also found and released. I find it hysterical that people are calling up these celebrities and saying, "Yo motherfucker!" I guess Linday Lohan and Nick Carter were polite and played along at first, Eminem was a prick from the word go, and Vin Diesel's voicemail sounds funny. Ah, what will the internet be used for next?
personality disorder test: i ranked "very high" for being schizoid and narcissistic, yeah baby!
|February 21, 2005|
I'm Sorry Can You Say That Again?
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all of that garbage." --George Carlin
"In a new book just coming out, a top presidential historian ranks President Harding as the dumbest president of all time. After hearing this President Bush said, 'Tonya Harding was president?'"- Conan O'Brien
"This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor, they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election." - Jon Stewart
"George Bush is requesting an additional $82 billion for war funding. Of course, that would include Afghanistan, Iraq and a country to be named later." - David Letterman
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is an amusing way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy. --Jay Leno
"The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life." --Jerry Seinfeld
And with that, I'm headed to the beach this weekend.
|February 18, 2005|
Dennis Miller's Advice to Men On What Women Want...
Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want: Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men:
1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo!!!
5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: no games, equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?
|February 17, 2005|
To All You Fuckers Who Said...
... going into Iraq was about oil, I give you this. So eat your hearts out, bitches.
Oh, before I forget, accounts on the forums are free for the next month or so. All you have to do is sign up and send a quick message to whatever administrator is oneline (their name is in orange) and within a few minutes your account will be all set!
a very battle damaged oh-58 kiowa helicopter
|February 16, 2005|
So I Picked Up A Second Job
As a Bible salesman. And I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on with the world today. Why can't I seem to sell any of these fucking Bibles? I'm offering the best goddamn Bible I've ever seen -- not some piece-of-shit Bible that'll fall apart before you're halfway through Matthew -- and still, everywhere I go, I get the door slammed in my face. What gives?
Yesterday, I was going door-to-door on Sycamore Drive. The first house I went to, this nice-looking old lady opened the door, and the first thing I noticed were these two big fucking crucifixes hanging on her living-room wall. I thought for sure I had a sale in the bag. I thought, if I can't sell a Bible to this woman, Jesus, who in all of God's fucking kingdom can I sell one to? I didn't waste any time moving in for the sale. I asked the woman how much she'd expect to pay for a handsome Bible with a 32-page full-color insert, a genuine, hand-fucking-crafted leather cover, and a reinforced spine that could take just about any beating she could dish out.
She didn't answer, so I went ahead and answered for her: A fucking hell of a lot more than $14.99, that's for sure!
You can't get workmanship like this from those sons of bitches at Christian Book World, I told her. Just look at the gilded edges on this cocksucker! You'd be damned lucky to have it! Take it into your own hands and examine the quality of this hardback volume made with 100 percent acid-free paper, I said. This Bible will last a fuckin' lifetime. You want a Good Book? This is a good fucking book! You'd have to be brain-dead not to get in on a deal like this. Hell, I said, I'll throw in a motherfucking "Parables & Miracles Of Christ" bookmark for absolutely free!
I poured my heart out on that doorstep, and do you think I earned one red cent? Nope. I tried not to show my disappointment, though, and acted real professional. When I left, I waved and said, "Thank you, ma'am, perhaps some other time."
Why does this happen day after day? I'm offering one seriously nice Bible for a goddamn song. Still, I've got three fucking crates of them sitting in the trunk of my car. Christ! It can't be me, 'cause I know I'm a good salesman. I worked for 14 years at Bob's Used Auto Parts, and I was the top man in sales six years running. Before that, I sold plumbing fixtures and made a goddamn fortune on commissions.
At this point, I have no choice but to contact the Bible Company and complain, because I'm doing everything their official Bible salesman's handbook says I should do. First, it says, Greet the customer in a friendly manner. I do that. I flash a big smile and say, "How the hell are you doing today?"
Number two, it says, Politely ask, "May have a moment of your time?" I've started reading the sentence right out of the handbook, just to prove I'm doing things to the letter. I say, "Ma'am, may I have a moment of your time?" If she says 'no', I leave. If she says 'yes', I say, "Thank you, I won't be long. I know you're probably extremely busy keeping up this big-ass house of yours."
Step three is to present the product. Well, fuck -- that's the easy part! This fucking Bible should sell itself! It has everything: It's got the New Fucking Testament, it's got the Old Fucking Testament. It's got a full index and supplemental material in the back. It even has all the shit Jesus said conveniently highlighted in red ink. I guess this proves people just aren't religious anymore. The Word of God must mean nothing to people nowadays. Christ Almighty, that's just fucking sad.
hey look i own a restaurant and didn't even know it!
|February 15, 2005|
I Wish I Was Brad Pitt
At the risk of commenting on something that I hope 90% of you don't really give a fuck about, I find I just can't help myself. I hope Brad Pitt did leave Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. I mean, Jennifer Anniston is nice, like a new Mercedes S Class is nice. She's elegant and expensive, and if your friends saw you with her, they would think you were doing pretty well.
But Angelina Jolie is like a Ferrari, even a rental Ferrari. You know you aren't the first, you know you won't be the last. Sure, it's dirty, the backseat smells of semen, it has a few dings in it, and a hell of a lot of miles on it. But it's still pretty sexy and you want all of your friends to see you in it. And best of all you could let your friends ride in it and not worry about it.
Next week I'll explain why Courtney Love is like a Greyhound bus pass. Oh, and I bet Wacko Jacko commits suicide within the next year.
|February 14, 2005|
Happy Valentines Day! (You Bitch!)
So this gay guy visit his doctor and says, "Uh doc, I've got something up my ass that isn't supposed to be there." The doctor says, "Alright, drop your pants and lets take a look." (snaps on gloves and feels around) "Hmm, everything is all right here." The gay guy says, "No, it's a bit higher up." The doctor pushes his hand further in and then says, "Hmm, still nothing." The gay guy replies, "A bit further." The doctor presses his hand further in and says, "Why yes, there is something here... Ouch...what's that....a rose?" To which the gay guy turns around and smiles, "Happy Valentines'Day!"
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock. "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.
Really guys, you should CARE about this holiday.
|February 12, 2005|
Spy on naked and naughty chicks for free! With all the craze for reality television still kicking around, how about if you could spy on hot chicks doing most things in the nude or bikini? Well check out Spy4free! Free spycams get you into the "naked" reality we really want to see! No credit card needed, just an e-mail gets you access! Check it out!
how long can you avoid the blocks? best i could do was 19.89 seconds
|February 11, 2005|
And Taking Up The Rear...
Our military, like any other large entity, is chock full of variety. There are the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are the competent and the incompetent. But you have to remember, everything they do, no matter how trivial, is not a game.
And as a former Air Force guy I can say with complete conviction, that sorry guys, the Thunderbirds don't have shit on the Blue Angels (huge pictures).
[an error occurred while processing this directive]
countdown the top ten party babes (ps "Volgende Babe" means "next babe")
ah dr. drew humphries, surely you are an elitist cunt!
|February 7, 2005|
Don't Be A Dickhead.
Corporate Lesson 1 - A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $1000 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $1000 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $1000 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2 - A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3 - A sales rep, an secretary, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" Says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4 - A bird was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The bird answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5 - A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
top ten reasons to marry a gymnist
|February 4, 2005|
There's No Place Like Home.
Yes, I'm back, safe and sound thanks to a little home improvement!
And this update would have went up sooner if it weren't for my piece of shit computer. I dunno what's wrong with it lately. First the mouse stopped working and now the printer jammed. I guess I'll have to call somebody.
Jesus this winter is fucking killing me. First it's cold, then it's warm, then it's cold, then it's warm. Aside from having me on my ass for a few days with a chest cold, I'm sick of chipping ice off my car every time I want to go somewhere. I mean sure my truck is better in the bad weather, but it's been getting really shitty gas mileage lately for some reason.
You all know I love Britney. And you all know that yes, she's a cheap slut. But I have words that will me music to every man's ears: Britney. Spears. Morning. Boobies. Yeah, I'll admit... she's a little rough in the am if ya know what I mean.
|February 2, 2005|
Attention All You American Dogs.
Praise be to Allah who created the creation for his worship of breasts and commanded them to be just and permitted the wronged one to retaliate against the oppressor of breasts! Peace be upon he who worships breasts: People of America this talk of mine is for you and concerns the ideal way to prevent another Iraq, and deals with the war on breasts and its causes and results, oh Mighty Allah! Before I begin, I say to you that security is an indispensable pillar of human life and that free men do not forfeit their security!
The Warriors of God have captured your beloved webmaster and are holding him hostage in the land of Allah the Merciful! Ernie is an infidel and has not posted new breats in almost a year! We will not tolerate this oppression and destruction upon the Breast People any further! We will turn our lives and our bodies and our souls into weapons and fight for breasts!
We have thrown off the yolks of slavery and now give the fight for breast freedom into the hands of Allah, praise be upon him! If we do not receive new breasts to this website within one week, we will behead the infide dog known as Ernie before your very eyes! We will strike down this wicked soul! We are torturing him until he screams Allah's name for mercy!
In the name of Allah,
The Aqsa Martyrs' Tanzim Queda Brigades Front
for the Liberation of The Alliance of the Front
of the Side of Abbas of Hamas of Hizbollah of
The Organization of the Oppressed on Earth
ehowa exclusive: sneak peak inside the new airbus a380