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January 31, 2005

Boy Not Drinkin Leads To Strange Dreams.

First off, let me state that I have not seen, nor do I intend to see, Alien vs Predator. I thought both individual films were great, but the smashing together of the two is just further proof that Hollywood is completely out of ideas. That being said, let me tell you about the really weird dream that woke me up this morning.

I was on a spaceship coming in to land on a planet, we had to fire our guns and blast our way through a minefield that clearly was intended to keep something in, as opposed to intruders out. Once we landed in a spacedock, I crawled into an airduct and saw some Predators (who oddly enough were speaking perfect English), and thus realized where I was.... there must be Aliens afoot somewhere. It's like I'm in some video game where I'm supposed to shoot everybody. Sure enough, back in the spacedock, a section of the roof panels caves in and in dropps an Alien and the fireworks start. I was unarmed and so I hid under some big table thingie, while those I flew in used their machine guns and lasers to battle said monster. I remember feeling very exposed, I watched silently as another Alien entered the spacedock and crawled along the ceiling, and made his way into the main complex.

When the spacedock battle was over, we all gathered up and decided we had to go after the rogue Alien. My friend AJ (of Philly & Tel Aviv fame) was in the dream, took the last remaining pistol which lay on a workbench. I spend the next ten minutes going, "Dude, c'mon let me have the gun," and, "Naw c'mon seriously, let me have the gun man." He didn't relent and I was forced to enter the rest of the complex to search for weapon.

When the doors opened for me to begin my search, the entire complex was one big carnival scene. Complete with ring toss games, roller coasters, popcorn vendors, and the expected throng of parents and children. I went from vendor to vendor looking for a weapon... but all I could find were some painball guns, some air powered bb guns, and a wrench that was too heavy to realistically swing around with any real authority.

One of the doors I opened up revealed a small living room where there was a small white dog. The dog was afraid and licked my hand. I picked up this scared little pooch and carried him with me for awhile. We then decided that it was time to go after the Alien some more, so I had to ditch the dog. I found myself in a hotel casino style environment and just opened the first door I saw, figuring nobody would look for this dog in such an arbitrary place.

There was an old couple inside and I explained I needed to find a place to keep this dog for awhile, and I asked them if they could do it for me. The old woman politely accepted. Then as I looked down at the dog in my arms, it wasn't the white dog anymore, but my dog Ike, who is black. I then looked around the room and saw they had a puppy, a cat, and a kitten. I knew I couldn't leave Ike there because well, he'd eat the puppy, the cat, and the kitten.

Then I woke up.

Man, I need a beer.


January 28, 2005

Eat The Peanuts Outta My Sheyat, Pilgrim.

Well we here in New England continue to grapple with record breaking snowfall, which isn't all that bad if, you know how to keep yourself warm.

I know this has been beat to death and I know it's very graphic, but here's some great tsunami footage.

And speaking of graphic violence, here's some picture of two dead muthafuckin insurgents. If you're too fucking stupid to conclude this really is going to be gory, do us all a favor and please rid yourself of this planet.

Lucky? Luck is all relative. Perhaps luck is having an enemy rocket slam into your trailer and not explode. Perhaps lucky is needing a haircut and stumbling upon this babe. Or perhaps lucky is stumbling across Brittany in the park...


January 26, 2005

Raiders schedule for 2005

September 15 - Wilson Jr. High School
22 - Cub Scout Troop 101
29 - CA Blind Academy

October 6 - Spanish American War Vets

13 - Cripple Children's Home
20 - Wernersville State Hospital
27 - Girl Scout Troop 353

November 3 - VD Clinic Post #3
10 - Sacramento Boys Choir
17 - Korean Amputees

SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December 9 - Utopia Gay Mens Polo Club

RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR
1). When playing polio patients, Raiders must not disconnect knee braces.
2). When playing the blind academy, Raiders must not hide the football under their jerseys.

RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR
1). A touchdown ( this is when the ball is carried over the goal line (for all us Raiders fans that have never seen this one) is still worth 6 points.
2). The Raiders will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3). The Raiders will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime during the course of the game.
4) The Raiders will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 2 for the opposing team.
5) The Raiders will be awarded a first down with each gain of 3 yards or more.

COACHING CHANGES
Norv Turner will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She no doubt will blow a few, but she won't choke on the big ones.


January 24, 2005

The Magnificent Carnac, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Answer: Gatorade.
Answer: Bible belt. >
Answer: Milk and honey.
Answer: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Answer: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Answer: Ben Gay.
Answer: An unmarried woman.
Answer: Disjoint.
Answer: The Laughing Policeman.
Answer: Dustin Hoffman.
Answer: Until he gets caught.
Answer: Old wives tale.
Answer: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Answer: Shareholder.
Answer: Skalliwags.
Answer: David Frost.
Answer: Head and shoulders.
Answer: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Answer: "Rose Bowl."
Answer: That darn cat.
Answer: High rollers.
Answer: Gunga din.
Answer: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Answer: At both ends.
Answer: Igloo.
Answer: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Answer: Grape Nuts.
Answer: Supervisor.
Answer: Crabgrass.
Answer: Shake-N-Bake.
Answer: Blazing Saddles.
Answer: Flypaper.
Answer: Deep freeze.
Answer: Bedbug.

So long Johnny, we hardly new ye!

i am we todd did. sofa king we todd did!

methanphetamines aren't so bad, they helped esther drop a few pounds in only seven months


January 21, 2005

So Far So Good

Well as of today it's been three weeks since I've had one drop of booze, be it beer, wine, gin, vodka, whiskey, or listerine. I will admit to being able to get out of bed much easier, which is something that has always been tough for me ever since I was, oh I dunno, like eight. And dare I say I'm dropping a few pounds, too? But man do I ever miss my Precious. New Years resolutions suck. But yes, Puddy, I will be winning our $20 bet, you cynical prick!

I've decided that should I complete my 90-day mission, that I'll treat myself to *something*. That something is yet to be determined. I don't want to get as fucking crazy as a new car or something, but perhaps a nice vacation will be in order. Perhaps San Diego for some atving? But definitely not Indonesia.

drunk girls party collage


January 17, 2005

Can You Crack My Code?

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible uckers and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "For suck's fake!" yelled Rindercella as she ran out, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly ister let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers.

This was not difficult has he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. They were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

And they lived happily ever after...


January 14, 2005

Don't Forget Your Neighbors.

Hey while all of you people are opening your hearts and wallets to a bunch of people who can't swim, don't forget your neighbors right here in your back yard. Who's going to do a celebrity telethon for Jimmie Wallet, hmm? That poor bastard needs your help, too.


January 13, 2005

Thar Be Morons About. Arrrrr.

How to make your day more dangerous? Drive too fast at night during deer season. Step two, hit deer. Step three, catapult deer into the air. Step four, hit deer again on its way down. Step five, season to taste and enjoy!

How to make other people's lives more dangeorus? Step one, dig up an airport runway. Step two, don't tell anybody, expecially the pilots. Step three, bring a big ass broom.

i love ashley judd


January 10, 2005

Hey Remember Me?

Sorry for no updates for the past few days, I've been busy coordinating local relief efforts to help the Indian Ocean tsunami victims. I've spent hours on the phone making long distance and international phonecalls, trying to schmooze airlines to have them fly pallots of food and medical supplies, and contacting local business to donate both money and supplies. So my absence from the internet has been pretty important for the greater good, I guess.

...
...
...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Nah, I'm just kidding!

So anyway, The setting is Disneyland, "The Happiest Place on Earth," where I had joined a couple of friends for a day of fun and adventure. After paying something approaching $50 each to get in, we wanted to conserve what little was left of our cash for important things like rubber lizards and the air hockey tables, so when it came time to eat we opted for a quick-n-cheap lunch rather than fine dining in one of their numerous restaurants.

Lunch consisted of one of those burritos in a plastic bag, and a can of cola. I could go into great detail here, but why bother. You know precisely what I'm getting at here: intestinal gas! Funny thing is, lunch didn't seem to give me any problem. I don't think I flatulated once the whole afternoon. More junk food was consumed. Many violent games of air hockey were played. Little did I know what my bowels had in store for us.

So late in the afternoon we step in line for the Jungle Cruise ride (you'll also find rubber lizards for sale in this area). The lines at Disneyland are densely packed in a serpentine configuration such that it's pretty much impossible to bail out from the middle. As I shuffle around a bend deep into the line, I notice there's a little girl right behind me who it would seem has been genetically engineered to be just the height that would place her nose precisely in line for problems. "Wouldn't it be funny," I think to myself, "if I had to flatulate right now?" We continue shuffling through the densely-packed line, and just as we come to the exact center of the line, with the small, innocent child mere inches away and at least 20 feet of human bodies in all directions and nowhere to run, I did just that. I passed gas. However, this was no ordinary fla

You know the expression, "silent but deadly"? You couldn't have heard this one with a stethoscope, but Landsat 4 probably picked it up in the thermal band. It was simply unholy. A fart that could melt diamond. The oil fires of Kuwait couldn't hold a candle to this thing. Chernobyl? Child's play! Weather patters were disrupted. LAX was "fogged in." The world knew a new evil on this day. A voluminous, hot, humid, painfully burning fart that makes the greenhose effect look like a pleasant alternative. It probably knocked down a couple local trailer parks just for good measure. I farted only once on this day, but it was more than most people will manage in a lifetime.

The line started moving. I did not look back, for fear that I might see a live action replay of the scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where people were melting and shriveling up (or would it be more like the ash bodies in Terminator 3?). We go around one of the bends in the line, headed back toward The Mushroom Cloud. My friends both choke, look back at me, and give the best glare they can manage with their eyes watering like that. I've just got this big grin on my face. They do not need to ask where "It" came from (brave souls, these folks - they still joined me on the submarine ride later). Rounding the corner myself, I get a glimpse of what's left of the small child behind me. Her face is scrunched in pain, That evening, we ate dinner in a restaurant.


January 7, 2005

Action vs. Talk in Indonesia.

Well, dear friends, we're now into the tenth day of the tsunami crisis and in this battered corner of Asia, the UN is nowhere to be seen -- unless you count at meetings, in five-star hotels, and holding press conferences. Aussies and Yanks continue to carry the overwhelming bulk of the burden, but some other fine folks also have jumped in: e.g., the New Zealanders have provided C-130 lift and an excellent and much-needed potable water distribution system; the Singaporeans have provided great helo support; the Indians have a hospital ship taking position off Sumatra. Spain and Netherlands have sent aircraft with supplies.

The UN continues to send its best product, bureaucrats.

Most interesting to me was this memo written by Dutch diplomats and circulated at an EU meeting in Indonesia:

The US military has arrived and is clearly establishing its presence everywhere in Banda Aceh. They completely have taken over the military hospital, which was a mess until yesterday but is now completely up and running. They brought big stocks of medicines, materials for the operation room, teams of doctors, water and food. Most of the patients who were lying in the hospital untreated for a week have undergone medical treatment by the US teams by this afternoon. US military have unloaded lots of heavy vehicles and organize the logistics with Indonesian military near the airport. A big camp is being set up at a major square in the town. Huge generators are ready to provide electricity. US helicopters fly to places which haven't been reached for the whole week and drop food. The impression it makes on the people is also highly positive; finally something happens in the city of Banda Aceh and finally it seems some people are in control and are doing something. No talking but action. Europ

As posted by Hindrocket over at powerlineblog. Me? I just want to know why crowd doesn't beat this guy's ass.

peek-a-boo anna! we see you! - when nerds date strippers - party hard and hike naked


January 4, 2005

Like a Phoenix I Rise Again.

Okay then.

First off, I just want to extend my wishes to a Happy New Year to everyone, and I'll do my best to make 2005 be very memorable for you.

Now that the holidays are over, I figure it's time to get back to business a little bit. For the past few weeks I've been eating and drinking and partying like a fucking rock star. And well, the time has come to settle down a little bit and let my liver dry out and soften back up a bit. The other day I poked it and instead of going >squish< it went >clink<.

And so, as of January first of this year, I have sworn off booze for a period of 90 days!

Can I do it? Will I do it? Only time will tell.

And I know that on April 1st when I do partake in the goodly nectar that makes everything better and solves all my problem, I'll be ready to roll thanks to a care package from the good folks at Heavy! Thanks guys!


January 1, 2005

Happy Muthafuckin New Year

My head hurts.


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