E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Extreme Home Makeover, God Edition

So, The Lord smiteth some 80,000 from the Earth. How do I feel about this? To tell you the truth, I'm not sure exactly how I feel.

Part of me understands and mourns the loss of innocent lives, whose only crime was to live in a third world country with no real infrastructure. On the other hand, despite living in parts Asia which are pretty much the cradle of civilization so they enjoyed a 2,000 year head start on the rest of us, they still live in mud huts and bathe in their own drinking water. So, the other part of me says, "Fuck em."

I caught something on the news about a country that was pretty much just a small chain of islands in the Indian Ocean. They averaged three feet above sea level. The entire country, along with its citizens, is gone. Think about that for a second. Every map in existance right now is obsolete because an entire country no longer exists. And not because some politicials wanted to breach up a big entity into smaller republics, like the fall of the USSR. I mean the physical place is gone. No island. No citizens. No government, no government buildings. No stockings hung by a nonexistant chimney. No buildings. No flags, no place to even put a flag if you had one. Just. Gone. The only proof they ever existed are the memories and snapshots from tourists from years past. Gone.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of any and/or all holidays occuring before, after, during or near the the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only "America" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, color, creed, age, sex, physical ability, veterans status, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wished.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where taxed or prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and such warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Almost Home Baby!

Well, this year's LBEH project is slowly drawing to a close. So far we've collected over $53,000 in donations, and have arranged for over 140 military personnel from all walks of life to fly home and be with their families for Christmas & New Years. And in case any of you are wondering, no we didn't book any flights on Uzbek Airlines.

I'd like to give an enourmous thank you to Kat Jensen and Steph Ratcliffe for doing an amazing job at the daunting task of booking all of those tickets; to Jim Gibson (Sir Jimbeau!) for handling all our media requests and being an all around gopher; and to Casey Smith who streamlined our entire operation with some fancy schmancy database work. Without these people, LBEH would have been a nightmare.

The 12 Days of Jihad.

By Frank Flanagan and Jim Guay

On the first day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the second day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the third day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the fourth day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the fifth day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 5 RPGs! 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the sixth day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 6 Checkered Towels, 5 RPGs! 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the seventh day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 7 Flying Lessons, 6 Checkered Towels, 5 RPGs! 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the eigth day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 8 Roadside Bombings, 7 Flying Lessons, 6 Checkered Towels, 5 RPGs! 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the nineth day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 9 Virgins Dancing, 8 Roadside Bombings, 7 Flying Lessons, 6 Checkered Towels, 5 RPGs! 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the tenth day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 10 Infidel Beheadings, 9 Virgins Dancing, 8 Roadside Bombings, 7 Flying Lessons, 6 Checkered Towels, 5 RPGs! 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the eleventh day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 11 Pictures of Yassir, 10 Infidel Beheadings, 9 Virgins Dancing, 8 Roadside Bombings, 7 Flying Lessons, 6 Checkered Towels, 5 RPGs! 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humvee.

On the twelfth day of Jihad, Allah gave to me... 12 Freedom Fighters, 11 Pictures of Yassir, 10 Infidel Beheadings, 9 Virgins Dancing, 8 Roadside Bombings, 7 Flying Lessons, 6 Checkered Towels, 5 RPGs! 4 Pounds of Semtex, 3 French Passsports, 2 Healthy Kidneys, An AK and a stolen Humveeeeeee!

two reasons why i won't make fun of canada anymore: one and two.

audrey says merry christmas - audrey says merry christmas

Ah I Had Such An Imagination.

I was talking with someone a couple days ago and somehow the topic came up of the silly things we used to believe when we were kids. Now I'm not talking about the Santa Claus - Tooth Fairy thing, but more of social or real life stuff.

My older brother used to think the car window rolled up when you cranked the handle to roll it down, much like the old style window shades.

I remember sitting on the gymnasium floor when I was in first grade, waiting for some kind of a school talent show to start. There were a lot of parents there and thus a lot of grown up conversations going on. None of which I could understand of course, since there were so many people and everyone voices blended together into one disconcernable buzz in the background. I remember not understanding what people were saying and then it dawned on me. That this must be something grown ups do... while waiting for some show to start they just sit there and make weird noises back and forth to each other, you know, to pass the time. So I sat there sitting indian style going, "blah-blah-blah mmmlm mmlm grrrr tthhhtt!" -- literally -- for the next ten minutes until the curtain came up. I remember thinking that made me feel grown up.

And then there's the time I convinced my first grade teacher's assistant that my brother had a pet killer whale at home. You see, I was smart enough to understand it would be too far fetched to lie and get someone to believe that *I* had a pet killer whale, but if I made the story about someone else and didn't hog the glory for me then it was so much more believable. Yes, our pet killer whale lived in our bathtub and ate cans of tuna fish. Until he got too big of course, and then we released him into Lake Ontario. Not to worry though, he'd come when called when you walked out on the pier and blew the whistle my brother used to wear around his neck. And helpful little orca that he was, was trained to bite a piece of 2x4 down to a toothpick when we held the piece of hunk of timber down into the water for him. Because you know, toothpicks are hard to come by. I don't know why I went off on this tale. I think I had probably just watched the movie "Orca" for the first time and was trying to

I remember this teacher's assistant going, "uh huh," and, "really?" and, "Wow!" a lot, and thinking to myself, "Yeah, I got this bitch going. I'm the man."

Yep. I was the man then, and I'm the man now.

silly iraqi, don't bring a gun to a tank fight!

To The ST and the AMINA.

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him."What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the fuck were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

this my friends, is the cowgirl for me!

Keep Warm This Winter.

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We're Pushing Closer.

Well, we're off and running. We're a week and a half in and we're crossing $26,000 in donations. Which sounds greta, but we're actually in a defecit of about $10k right now -- so if you're one of those greedy bastard who hasn't donated to my LBEH project yet, you're on the outside looking in.

And remember, it has nothing to do with politics, or who you voted for, or if you drive an SUV or a hybrid, or how you feel about the war... it's about supporting the troops who keep us safe. So let's all put aside our political differences for this one, mm'kay?

See, I told ya.

Just don't fuck with my ass people. My ass has got skillz.

I was almost involved in a major multi-vehicle traffic accident this morning. I Managed to stop just before colliding with the lead car and actually managed to provide the Mass State Troopers with a pretty accurate description of the person I believe was the cause of it all. I hope I don't have to testify.

See The Hulk and other cool shit on Komar's controllable Christmas webcam!

Tierod Schmierod.

I'm not exactly what one would call mechanically inclined. Nay, perhaps mechanically challenged, or mechanically declined might be more accurate descriptions. If you were to pick people to be on a cross country road trip with, and you broke down in the middle of some long dusty trail, you don't want me on board, I'm as fucking useless as a bat in your ass.

So while I was ATV'ing this weekend, and I felt the handlebars keep wanting to lean left when I knew I had them facing forward, a small black cloud began to appear on my horizon. This was a sympton I would normally attribute to a flat tire, but as I slowed I stomped my foot on each tire and alas, they seemed fine. And yet, I knew something was amiss.

My next clue came during a u-turn. I cranked the handlebars all the way to the right, let off the clutch, gave it gas and..... went straight. Hmmm. Maybe it was all the leaves. Backed up (Raptors have reverse, woo hoo!), turned, more clutch and... went straight. Hmmm. Das is not goot!

This prompted me to take a closer inspection of my front end, and whoa! That straight thingie ain't supposed to look like that! My left tierod looked like a piece of limp spaghetti.

So now I'm stuck in the fucking woods, miles from civilization or even roads, I left my cell phone in my truck, and while my handbars and right tire are facing forward, ye olde left tire is off wandering at about a 30 degree angle to the outside. There's no fucking way I'm going to be able to limp back through all the rocks that already beat the shit of my then healthy quad. I am screwed, blued, and tattooed.

So just as I'm hitting the fucking panic button -- again me and mechanical stuff don't see eye to eye -- one of the guys we're riding with braces his foot on the damaged tiedor and starts to push. I cringe, waiting for the >snap!< of broken metal. I have a "You fucking idiot!" right on the tip of my tongue ready to throw out at a moment's notice. But the snap never comes. And my tierod is, objectively speaking, fairly straight. It's not more like a really warped cue stick at your local watering hole.

And so with disaster averted, and me looking like a complete fucking spaz, I was able to limp the quad back over the rocks, through the mud, up the hills, over the whoops, across the railroad tracks, below the high tensions, through the water, and, onto the trailer. Life is good.

My name is Ernie, and I'll be your spaz this evening.

party - party - party - party

are you from a blue state or a red state?

Well It Only Goes To Say.

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his dick, which now had a button sewed on the tip.