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August 30, 2004

Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1895?

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895

Grammar (Time, 1 hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. Per bu., deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft long at $20 per yard?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per are, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607 1620 1800 1849 1865

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.


August 26, 2004

I Hate The Evening News.

You know, say what you want but it is pretty funny when I make an update for the website, thought I posted it, but then realize later on that in fact, I hadn't. What we got here is, failure... to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which isn't the way I want. But, I got.

I was at the Boston Museum of Science yesterday, and was rather intrigued by a display they had set p by the Bureau of Census. It seems the population of the US goes up by one person every fourteen seconds. I forget the exact figures but it was something like a birth every 13 seconds, a death every 18 seconds, an immigrant every 30 seconds, and an emmigrant every 158 seconds. Think about that for a bit. Someone chooses to come to the United States every half a minute. But the rate at which someone chooses to leave is two and a half minutes. If we're so hated around the world, then why is everyone coming here?

It's easy to lose sight of the fact that the Middle East is improving for the better. It was amazing to see the fact that more than 9 million people in Afganistan are registered to vote -- more than 40% of them women and about three times the amount expected -- and they're being intimidated and shot at just for carrying a voting card. Hell, we can't get Americans to get off our lazy boys to stop watching T.V. for an hour to go vote. Women over there used to be treated like dogs, now they're gaining a voice in who is going to govern them and they will have a hand in making positive changes. That is probably one of the biggest success stories for women's rights on the face of the planet in the past decade, yet does the U.S. or Bush hear any praise? No! Why not? Does no one else except those living in Afganistan realize how fucking incredible this is? Do we hear anyone from France saying "God Damn, you Americans are outrageously great people!" No! Why isn't the media praising Bush for this accomplishment? Why does the media only mention the hardships? If the media would just present a balanced representation of everything happening, Bush's poll numbers would be in the 80% range.

What do we hear? Pathetic morons like Michael Moore, Sean Penn, Whoopi Goldberg, and lots of other losers from Hollywood along with idiots from the music biz like Springsteen and Ronstatd, all pissin and moanin. We really need to ship some more of these pathetic fucks overseas to gain a better understanding of the world around them. Seems things are a little skewed in their little Hollywood world.

Who would have said after 9/11 that in less than three years, the Taliban would be out of Afganistan, they would be a democratic country, and women would be voting? No one. Everyone, including our media, thought we were going to get our asses kicked over their in those big, bad, rough mountain areas. Now those areas are just used as hideouts by the remaining enemy -- and their day will come too.

Three years from now, liberals are going to look like idiots when things are so much better in Iraq. They're going to lose all credibility when it comes to foreign relations. But they don't see that, all they care about is whether or not they can get elected right now.

My beef with Kerry's stories, is that he opted to make a big national case for being a war hero. Real war heros don't usually do that. But since he decided to make a national case for how great he was for four months in Vietnam, it is fair to question whether or not he really was. So far, from most accounts, his record doesn't look very good. The swift boat vets are really kicking his ass. He really should have left that issue alone and ran on his policies. But I understand that's a problem, because no one knows what his policies are this week.

This election year isn't "vote for me because I'm the best cantidate," it's, "vote for me because I'm less of a fucking moron than the other guy."

Sorry for the political vent, so here's Britney playing volleyball in a bikini.


August 21, 2004

Hubba, Hubba.

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August 19, 2004

I've Taken All I Can Stands.

Because I can't stands no more.

And you people wonder why of all the branches of the military, I joined the Air Force. Where else can a chick this hot do this kind of cool shit? Funny, I don't ever remember such exciting recruiting videos for 3C052.


August 16, 2004

So Long, Old Friend.

This weekend marked the demise of an entity that I have come to rely upon quite heavily over the past ten years. This pal has been there when I have laughed, and when I have cried, for better or for worse, during sickness and in health. It has tirelessly served as both dinner table, foot stool and impromptu stepladder. It has held my beer, my food, and my ass. It has bore the brunt of many a slammed fists during my occasional temper tantrums. Its once smooth face was pock marked with hundreds of taps of a paring knife.

This steadfast friend has been there when I first played Doom. It has been a cornerstone in my life, staying by my side from the Air Force dorms, to a move to New Hampshire and then finally back to Massachusetts. It has cradled my work during college, and has been with me through three different employers, staying up with me through many nights of after hours work. It has served as homebase when I had to search for info on crabs. It was side by side with me during the very creation of both EHOWA and LBEH, including our annual Best Tits contests. It has helped me meet people and make them mad.

Sadly, this friend's health has been failingultimate act of mercy, I ended its pain and euthanized it with a few swift blows of a hammer. So let us all bid sweet farewell to, my old computer desk. My old friend, I hardly knew ye.

All hail the new hotness. Or this paris nipple hotness: 1 - 2

b-1 bomber fun - the fly


August 13, 2004

I Know, I Know!

Where the hell have I been?

In a word? Doom. Doom3 to be exact. When I said I had really been anticipating this game for some time, I really wasn't fucking joking. I took time off work for this game. I bought a new computer for this game. I haven't watched television in almost a week. It's been almost as long since I updated EHOWA. I haven't even had sex for a week.

But alas, it's time to give you fair reader a look into what's been occupying my time. Now don't worry, this isn't going to turn into some game review, just my take on id software's latest revolution.

For starters, it certainly wasn't what I expected. That's not to say I'm disappointed. Well, okay, maybe a tiny bit, but not in their efforts, just that the game wasn't offering the same run and gun style action that the old Doom did. Before it was 'shoot people and blow shit up' from the get go, and the only real mission you had to accomplish was to get certain color keys to open doors, where you would in turn shoot more people and blow more shit up. Lather, rinse repeat.

The new Doom3 is more of a blend of Quake 2 and Half-Life, only darker. You have to find an access code, to open a door, to get a switch, to lower a gate, to get to a platform, to turn the power on so you can see to shoot people and blow shit up. So it's not as heavy with the rock'em sock'em as the first Doom, but still sucks you in quite easily. I close the shades, and turn off the lights, and I don't mind telling you I've gotten goosebumps playing Doom3 more than once. Here's some pictures of a few memorable moments early on in my Doom3 career...

When I said the game was dark, I didn't mean just in spirit. In Doom3, your flashlight is your best friend. The trouble is you can't wield your flashlight and a gun at the same time. That makes for some startling moments.

Mercifully the gunsight turns red when you're hitting your enemies, which makes gunplay a little easier

Here's what happens when you fuck with the Ernster after he's found a box of hand grenades. Muthafucka.

Aw look the little zombie guy is seepin like a baby. Actually this guy scared the living fuck out of me, because a half a second after getting a closer look his arm moved and he reached up to grab me. I would have gotten a screen cap of that but I was to busy shrieking like a little fucking girl and banging the back arrow key. Serious hair on the back of your neck standing up moment.

Me? I hate spiders Especially when they're three feet tall, and have upside down human faces.

Lighting has been a hallmark of the new Doom. If a hangin light catches a stray bullet and starts swaying, all the shadows in the room are efected. You should note that smoking is still banned in public bathrooms in the 23rd century. Even sparks cause moving shadows so you don't know what's a real monster or your imagination. I feel six years old again.

Ths guy crowded my personal space. So I shot him so good I knocked his fucking brain out.

And see, there are still fat people in the future too. In fact they're perfectly willing to climb stairs in search a meal, such as a you.

Two words: Fire. Bad.

Another fine chap relieved of his brains. Notice the detail they put into the gore. Not even Dr Carter could put this fucker back together.

In the background of this pic you'll see an Imp -- he's facing to our left. Old Doomers will remember imps as dying with a satisfying blast to the head with a shotgun. Not so in Doom3, it usualy takes two or shree good shots and they're fast fuckers. Beware of imps.

If you look closely, you'll see Zombie-A leaning over and eating the guts of Zombie-B. But once you enter the room, both Zombie-A and Zombie-B get up and chase you. Spooky stuff.

And finally, a neat effect. Here's me looking at a security camera watching me look at a security camera. Mercifully, I have hair.


August 7, 2004

Hubba, Hubba.

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August 6, 2004

It's Here! It's Here!

Sorry I haven't posted sooner, I've been very busy with very important things.

You see I've been hanging on edge waiting for Doom3 to be released ever since I first heard about it two years ago. I searched four different stores on the ever of its official release date before finally finding one that had copies left. Yeah that's right, I'm a bad man. But my computer? Not so much. Doom3? $55. Guide book? $20. New computer with Radeon X800 video card to play it on? $1200. Memories of time spent huddled in a darkened room in front of a computer screen, speakers blaring rocket blasts and growls, trying to sneak a peak around the corner to spot an pinkie demon before he spots me... ahhhh, priceless. Let me tell you, very few things could make me happier right now.

Those of you who Doom'ed originally will understand my need. BFG, baby, BFG.

Mosul, Iraq. This is what CNN wrote on their website about what happened yesterday: Mosul clashes leave 12 dead Clashes between police and insurgents in the northern city of Mosul left 12 Iraqis dead and 26 wounded, hospital and police sources said Wednesday. Rifle and rocket-propelled grenade fire as well as explosions were heard in the streets of the city. The provincial governor imposed a curfew that began at 3 p.m. local time (7 a.m. EDT), and two hours later, provincial forces, police and Iraqi National Guard took control, according to Hazem Gelawi, head of the governor's press office in the Nineveh province. Gelawi said the city is stable and expects the curfew to be lifted Thursday.

Now here's what really happened. Kind of makes my new copy of Doom 3 a little less dramatic now, doesn't it?

Oh by the way, Happy Hiroshima Day!

i wonder how john kerry feels this morning?


August 2, 2004

Ask Me About My Clean Colon.

Okay, so my colon cleanse is all said and done, and time for the inside scoop.

First off, many of you are wondering just why in hell would I go through such a thing. Well to be honest, it was this picture that really got my curiosity going. Could I, Lord of the Internet, give birth to such a leviathan? Well, only one way to find out! So I emailed the guy in the article and he fired me off my very own colon cleansing kit.

And for ease of read and understanding, I'll break everything down into everyday terms so nobody gets lost. The regiment of powders and pills seemed a little daunting at first, but once I actually understood what was going on, it was a piece of cake.

There's all sorts of goodies in the package, but he two main elements making up the colon cleanse are the digestive stimulator pills, which I believe are more or less herbal laxatives, and will henceforth be called Poo Pills. Also numerous packets of a toxin absorber powder that you mix with organic fruit juice and slug down. Said stuff will henceforth be referred to as Magic Powder. As a side tidbit for the curious such as I, one of he ingredients in the Magical Powder is bentonite clay. Pet lovers might recognize this as one of the materials in cat litter, woo hoo! (It's the stuff that causes the litter to clump together when wet - very important in the colon thing, as you'll see).

Anyway the program breaks down like this. For the first three days you go through a "pre-cleanse" which is pretty much a period of slowly getting your fat ass to cut back and not eat so heavy. You eat less on day #2 than you did on day #1, and less on day #3 than you did on day #2. Your dinner is followed by one of the packets of Magic Powder dissolved in apple juice which takes on quite the cinnamon smell. Plus each night before bed, you pop some of the Poo Pills to make you quite the bowel moving fool the next day. Nothing horrible -- I wasn't penguin walking towards the bathroom with a clenched sphincter or anything. But when I did make it there, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the bowl. Poo City.

So that was the first three days... less food, a packet of Magical Powder, and some Poo Pills before bed. No biggie.

Now we start the real fun. Following the pre-cleanse we go through five days of fasting (that means no food for you fat people) and taking the Magical Powder at regular intervals during the day. Now the pamphlet says you don't have to fast. You can pseudo-cheat by eating various uncooked foods like fruits and vegetables and such. Or you can flat out be a pussy and do the program on a lesser degree and eat regularly. Both of which will produce less memorable results in the poo arena than if you fast. And thus, in my quest for as unique an ass plaque as possible, emptied my fridge of all temptations. Gone were all the delectables that can usually be found in my fridge and they were replaced by all sorts of hippie juices: apple, cranberry, banana, carrot, grape, pear, apricot; all organic. Save for a few apples, should I get weak in spirit.

The five day fast works like this. First off, no food, duh. Instead, you take some of the Magical Powder mixed with apple juice every three hours, five times a day. Say for example: 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm, and 8pm. And for those of you saying to yourself, "There's no way in hell I can go five days witout eating." I can honestly day I felt the same. But MUCH to my surprise, I wasn't hungry once during the fast. And that's no shit. (and ha, that's no pun intended!) With slugging down this Magical Powder every three hours, my stomach was never empty and I can honestly and truly say I was never hungry. Now I had a desire to eat, but that was more out of habit than anything else. A bunch of us at work go to lunch... everyone is eating and I'm staring at them enjoying a glass of water. I get home from work and walk my dog, and then am so used to settling down for dinner that it felt abnormal not doing so. It was hard but not impossible. Chug the mixture every three hours or so, pop my Poo Pills before bed, and repeat.

On the second day of the fast, I never went anyhere near a toilet without my camera in tow, eagerly anticipating this long brown rope snake like thing to come crawling out of my ass. Sadly, I went to bed that night disappointed. It wasn't until the morning of day number three that the object of my desire came poking its head out of my exhausted colon. At first I almost didn't recognize what it was -- it looked like normal poo to the untrained eye but as I leaned in and examined it closer, it seemed everything was linked together like a series of train cars. Yes, all the little boxcars were all holding hands and circling the bowl in trainlike fashion, with one big crooked piece serving as the locomotive. I was startled to find I was unprepared for some actual manipulation of this thing that has crept from my loins and settled for a black papermate pen. Sure enough, Eureka! It wasn't quite as long as I had hoped, but hey the fun was just starting! Ladies and gentlemen, we have Ass Plaque!

Day number four brought me this plaque poo. It came out in two sections, one light, one dark. I swear there was stuff in the dark one that led back to Thanksgiving of '94. Sadly, this archeological monstrosity was a victim of its own weight, as each time I tried to pick it up out of the water for a picture, I didn't get but 4"-5" out when one the little boxcar links would fail sending it crashing back down into the water. I tried two or three times, each time with catostrophic results, so alas, the photo shows the end results.

By the end of this fourth day, not eating was really fucking getting to me. It seemed every where I looked there were people enjoying food. Every channel had some commercial for s fast food restaurant that I had previously never paid any attention too. Now everywhere I looked, was yummy delicious food taunting me. Again, not so much hungry, just lonely for something to chew. And this was also the time that Steve from chilicheese.org wrote in to ask for a link. Driving home that night, I was weak. Very weak. To the tune of four soft tacos, some chicken strips, and two grilled stuffed burritos weak.

The ensuing poo, which by the way happened like thirty seconds after I was done eating, was horrific. It sent my intestines into a series of convulsions and cramps the likes of with haven't been seen since the birth of the Elephant Man. And it was 90% water. And much to my surprise, this poo like all the other from when I started the colon cleanse, required very little if any toilet paper to clean up my starfish. It's like they were all coming out encased in some kind of an egg sac. Weird indeed.

The last day of fasting yielded more plaque poos, but nothing of photographic consequence. I don't know if my Taco Bell spree was the cause or if my colon just wasn't all that dirty. But alas, on day number three I got what I came for, so mission accomplished. The five day fast was followed with a couple days of "learning to eat again" -- lots of dry toast, crackers, and other bland foods. It appears stuffing mexican fast food down your alredy battered colon was a bad idea - who knew?

All in all, I'm glad I did the cleanse. I hadn't eaten solid foods for three days and yet was still squawking out solid material so I guess that stands for something. Also I hadn't realized my poos haven't been all that remarkable as of the last few months (here's one just prior to starting the program), and now I'm proud to say they have returned to their former two-flush glory everyone can enjoy. Also to anyone thinking about trying the colon cleanse for yourself, just a quick tip. They recommend apple juice as the preferred mixture to take the Magical Powder and I wholeheartedly agree. I ran out of apple juice once and used cranberry juice instead - barf-o-rama.

So if I pass you on the street, don't be surprised if I tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey ask me about my clean colon." And for those brave sould who seek more info on getting your hands on very own ass plaque collection, just visit www.blessedherbs.com/mucoid.html.

Oh, and I'm going to put that pen on ebay.


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