E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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|December 25, 2003|
Mery Fucking Christmas.
|December 18, 2003|
The Hits Just Keep On Coming.
Read this. Bottom entry. FUNNY.
Am I the only person who kinda wishes instead of being captured, those solders dropped the grenade down Saddam's spiderhole?
Also it should be noted that I was robbed of my manhood last evening. A new chick moved into my building this week, and in the process of carrying her stuff in she left the doors wide open. Now in my dining room, underneath the chandelier? I have a dining room table. Her? A fucking pool table. Tell me I shouldn't be wearing panties.
According to a new survey just released about sex, 41 percent of the people interviewed said they would consider having sex for money if the amount offered was large enough. The average female said the amount would have to be at least $100,000 and the average male responded with, "How much do you have on you?"
Here's a little flatulence trivia for ya. Pumpernickel bread is thought to be named for the German words meaning "devil fart." In German, "pumpern-" means "to break wind," and "nickel" means "devil, demon or goblin." The reputed indigestibility of the heavy bread made of unbolted rye flour causes gas as powerful as that which only the Devil experiences.
|December 15, 2003|
One Down, One To Go.
Saddam Hussein offered to negotiate with the U.S. troops who arrested him near his home town, a U.S. officer in the force that captured the former president said Monday. He said, "I'm Saddam Hussein, I'm the president of Iraq and I'm willing to negotiate".
The response from soldiers was, "President Bush sends his regards".
Heh. So I'm not going to harp on the irony that he was caught in a rathole, I think the media has beat the living shit out of that angle already. Nor will I make any comparisons between a haggard looking Saddam, Santa Claus, and Ron Jeremy.
But you fair reader, come here to hear what I have to say so ready or not here it comes.
I think there will be an increase in attack on our soldiers for the nest week or so. These will be the Saddam loyalists acting out with frustration and anxiety at the realization that their deposed leader is never again going to see the light of day. And then after they realize their actions are pointless and there's no reason for them to continue risking their lives in these guerilla attacks, whatever ones we don't kill will just ride off into the sunset (Syria), for us to kill at some later point in time.
I think Saddam's capture will mean our troops will come home that much sooner. Maybe not as early as some of us could have hoped for, but they won't be stuck there as long as some have feared. I think the pace at which order is restored to the everyday life of Joe Iraqi will pick up, thus making everyone's job that much easier, thus creating a big happy snowball effect.
I think the days of us turning on the news every evening and hearing about a soldier killed in a roadside attack, have just about come to a close.
I think Germany, Russia, China, and of course France can take their phony smiles and congratulations and stick it up their fat lazy collective asses. I think if you don't wanna whip out yer dicks when it comes times to brawl, then you don't get to have a say in how things are settled one we've leveled the joint. And you sure as hell don't get to make any money off our blood, sweat, and tears. No Soup For You!
hey remember these saddam cards
|December 12, 2003|
LBEH is Rockin So Come A Knockin.
110 tickets done, booked, and paid for.
Over 50 soldiers on R&R from Iraq taken care of.
Another 15 tickets in the queue.
All part of this year's LBEH project.
We still need another $2,000 or so... so if you haven't already, c'mon and dig through those couch cushions and send in a few bucks. Don't be a cheapskate.
|December 10, 2003|
The Circle Is Complete.
I got fucked. Yeah that's right, I got fucked.
See here's a general rule for all you car owners out there. If you need basic every day repairs, take your vehicle to your local mechanic and avoid the dealers. Only take it to the dealer for tasks that might require the expertise of someone who was trained on your specific type of vehicle and knows it inside and out. So to diagnose the transmission problems on my beloved Dodge Ram I wanted to make sure it was done right, so I went to a dealer. That's not to say there aren't any competent transmission shops in my areas, I just didn't have time to research them. So I knew I was going to pay a little more but that's okay because I'm very partial to my truck. Remember, this is the vehicle I traded in in 1998 for $10,000 and bought back in 2000 for $12,500. Why? Because I wanted my truck back. Not just a truck, but my truck. But I'm not here to bore you with my neurosis, so please allow me to continue my tale.
Before I go into this there's two things you should know. First, I used to do some heavy duty four'wheelin with this truck back when I first got it. During one night of driving through the dug out foundation of some guy's home-to-be, I high centered on a pile of gravel and crushed in the transfer case skid plate. This was literally like eight years ago. Second, I am fanatic about scheduled maintenance on this vehicle. Synthetic oil every 3,000 miles. Both front and rear differentials and the transfer case every 15,000. Transmission service every 30,000-40,000. Like clockwork. Fanatical. Third, I had just had the all fluids changed maybe, eh, maybe 11,000 miles ago, so I was pretty comfortable the problems I was having weren't fluid related.
Okay so I drop off the Gas Pig on Monday morning and get a call later on that afternoon. Seems most of the seals on the transfer case were blown, letting most of the transmission fluid to leak out causing the torque convertor to not function properly. So yes, everyone who wrote in to say either check fluid or torque convertor, you were both right. I would like to go on record as stating I have never ever seen a drop of transmission fluid beneath my truck. Anyway, they'll have to disconnect the transfer case from the transmission, drop both drive shafts and pull down the transfer case to repair. Also since the transmission had gone some time without fluid, they recommended a tranny service. It'll be in overnight. Okey doke, I've got another vehicle to drive, so go nuts guys.
Will the dawn of a Tuesday morning bring me my truck in full repair? No, no it will not because after assembling the Devourer of Datsuns, the tech hears a rumblin from under the hood. After poking around he finds the water pump bouncing around on its impeller, that's doomed and may die and ready to start spewing coolant at any time. Now I've got a nice 1,000 miles drive due later this month, so I can't take the risk of taking it in the poop chute on the side of the NYS Thruway, so even though this is a job any mechanic can probably handle, I'd rather take it in the poop chute now and give em the go ahead since they've already got it there.
Me: So that's what that fucking noise was last year just before all my coolant vanished! I mean a full two gallons just up and disappeared like a fart in the wind. I topped it back off and spent a month looking for a leak but couldn't find shit. Eh, my truck gets moody like that from time to time. Regardless, it never happened again, so I forgot about it after awhile. Now at 172,000 miles, it appeared ready to rear its ugly head again. Better to head it off at the pass.
Anyway, to make a long story longer, I pick up The Beast last evening and bring the vaseline and credit card with me.
|basic diagnostic fee||$89.95|
|hood latch recall||$0.00|
|blower relay recall||$0.00|
|transfer case leak||$286.55|
|install new water pump||$443.90|
|driving through median of road with 2' of snow to cut off a toyota tacoma as I leave||priceless|
Now this brings me to Mufasa the Lion King and the circle of life. Nerds such as myself are usually not mechanically inclined. So when we need something mechanical done, we have to take it to a mechanic and get reamed for it. We readily accept this. Because when the mechanic needs something done on his computer, he takes it to nerds like me, and we in turn ream him for it. This my friends, is the Circle of Life.
Oh, and I have good news on my quest for Caramel Porter, but I'll save that for the next update.
Ah-hahahahahah! Merry Christmas you stupid bastard!
|December 8, 2003|
I Want Answers And I Want Em Now.
1. We got a lot of snow this weekend so I sat on the couch eating pizza and watching TV a good portion of the weekend. I was watching some West Wing on my Tivo, and it was an episode back when Rob Lowe was still on. This made me think about Rob Lowe, and his new series The Lyons Den. This made me think about the Lyons Den and the special guest they had on a few weeks ago, Jewel. That made me think about Jewel and her enormous knockers. That made me think about Jewel's enormous knockers and how much money they've made for her. That made me think about how much money Jewel has and I wondered...can't she afford a fucking orthodonsist?
2. My truck's automatic transmission is acting very manual-like lately. When I slow down at a stop light, sometimes the transmission & engine won't disengage like they're supposed to and the engine will almost stall. Then just before it dies, the transmission releases and the engine springs back to normal idle. Then every so often, I step on the gas, and the engine revs like it's in neutral for a split second before the transmission catches and it jolts forward. It shifts from 1st-2nd-3rd-4th just fine. So what the fuck is wrong with my truck?
3. What football gods did Al Davis piss of to suddenly bring the Raiders from AFC champs to AFC chumps in one fucking season?
4. Why in the name of Jesus H Tap Dancing Christ would someone want to fire a fucking anti-aircraft missile at a civilian cargo plane? I mean what the fuck?
5. Flah bought himself a Chevrolet Avalanche. Since winter is here, how long do you figure until I have to come rescue him when he gets his fucking Tonka truck stuck in a snowbank somewhere? (after I get my transmission fixed, or course)
6. And finally, I bought a 12 bottle variety pack of Saranac beer this weekend -- you know to help weather the storm -- and one of the bottles is a Caramel Porter. This beer is downright spectacular and I want to buy more but can't find it anywhere. Where the fuck can I buy this beer? I know if I can find more, I can get chicks to take off their clothes.
Thank you for your time. And remember, the next time you curse the fact that it's Monday, just think of it as proof that you made it through another weekend without killing yourself by doing something stupid.
|December 4, 2003|
Tequila Does It To Me Every Time.
What happens when you have:
1) nothing to do
2) a sharp knife
3) a large lime
4) a patient cat
5) too much tequila
6) and it's football season?
Two words. Tequila. Kitty.
And with all the violence in Iraq right now, it's sometimes easy to loverlook what's happening here onthe homefront. Yes indeed folks, we've got our fair share of tragedy too. Please give a moment of silence for these dead soldiers.
|December 1, 2003|
So What Were You Thankful For?
A lot of people have some very deep thoughts come the holidays. Being thankful for friends, family, their health, a good job, all sorts of things.
Me? I'm thankful for boobies. Lots and lots of boobies. Boobies that you may now, finally, vote on! Sorry for the delay folks, I really don't have any excuse other than it kept getting bumped further and further down my "to do list". But alas, things have come full circle.
And flames. Yeah I'm thankful for flames too. Wonderful, delicious, eat you up and spit you out flames. Behold, the greatest EHOWA flame to date.
Oh, and I'm thankful I don't drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee and park it under a huge dying tree in the Sequoia National Forest. 1 - 2 - 3