E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Fat Kid's on Vacation
And I planned on having time to update but alas, it's not working out that way. My thanks to all that wrote to make sure I'm alive. Aside from being sore as a bastard from ATV'ing, all is well. Be back Saturday, update will be on Sunday.
He Who Laughs Last
Ten years ago, I was but a poor E-3 airman in the Air Force, drinking coffee, readers my user's private emails, and weaseling my way out of base details. Saddam Hussein on the other hand was slaughtering his own countrymen who opposed him, lavishing in his 70's style house'of'love, and making billions off circumventing UN sanctions while his own people starve to death outside his palace gates.
But that tide has changed also, thanks to many brave men and women. Saddam's punk ass is on the run (assuming he still has his legs), his money is all gone, and EHOWA is not only ranked in the top 20,000 websites on the entire internet, but posting pictures of his busted up statue picking its nose with my name written on it.
I Am Sofa King Disappointed
I hate to say it, especially since I've spent the last six months salivating at the thought of its very existence but, The Matrix Reloaded well, sucks. And on so many levels. Allow me to name a few.
They sold out. Remember the cool ass early-60's Lincoln Continental with the suicide doors they drove around in the first movie? Cool wasn't it? You're damn right it was. And they didn't pick that car because it was popular or because they were trying to sell it, they just chose a cool ass car to be driven by cool ass people in a cool ass movie. But nooooo, because in Reloaded, our heroes drive a white 2003 Cadillac CTS while being chased by the bad guys in a... that's right... black 2003 Cadillac Escalade EXT. Good guys wear white, bad guys wear black. How fucking passe'? And when Trinity steals a motorcycle in one scene, they make sure to do a nice close up on the bike and hover the camera over the bold faced DUCATI before she peels off. What the fuck? So much for staying true to form.
Marathon battles. Okay, so the fight scenes were one of the high points of the original flick, I wholeheartedly agree. In fact they were so cool and entertaining you were left wanting when they came to a close, kind of like wishing there was just one more swallow left when you finish a glass of water. But the big fight scene between Neo and the hundred or so Agent Smiths was way too fucking long. There's only so many ways you can watch a guy swinging his fists like a fucking madman at the dozens of guys surrounding him before things start to get a little repetitive get a little repetitive get a little repetitive get a little repetitive. Ya follow me?
Needs more cheese. And Morpheus. And Trinity. Morpheus's big scene was when he gives a speech to the surviving inhabitants of Zion in the days before a pending attack from the machines. But he looked more like broke assed Captain Kirk than the smooth motherfucker who asked, "You think that's air you're breathing?" in the first movie. Trinity (who still looks fucking hot in latex, thankfully), fared a little better than he did given she had everyone's attention for the aforementioned motorcycle chase, but was still not seen anywhere near enough. And love scenes with people with holes in their back makes me think of fucking my erector set. Not cool.
Bad guys. Not enough of em. The two albino dudes with dreads who could shift between physical and ethereal form during battle, and were all hyped up in the coming weeks before the movie's release? Way cool. Too bad they had about a grand total of 2 minutes of screen time. And Agent Smith, who was such a menacing villain in the old movie, reminded me of Michael Keaton in Multiplicity, only with a bad suit. He should have been so much more.
You see the original Matrix was a great movie with a great cast and a great plot, with some amazing special effects thrown in to make the movie a trendsetter. The Matrix Reloaded is a commercial about special effects, with acting and a story thrown in as an after thought. I actually got home on Sunday and watched the original Matrix, just so I wouldn't have to sleep with that other piece of shit on my mind. I am, sofa king disappointed.
The Eight Worst Convenience Foods
8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up as a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
Online Dating Is For The Birds
I swear, one of these days I'm going to delete my ad in the love gallery. Here's the true story of what happened the first time I met someone from online.
It started off ok. She had sent a nice note (not too many spelling mistakes), along with a decent photo; a little blurry but I replied and put her on my buddy list. Soon we met online, had a brief chat and she gave me her phone number. Mmmm, she sounded real nice - a friendly sexy feminine voice.
Seems she had a ticket to a concert in Manhattan that weekend and suggested we meet and I get one from a scalper. She wanted to meet downtown where she said she could park her car (she was from Jersey and me, I'm from Queens) in front of one of her favorite bars - an Irish pub where she could get herself a Guinness (one of the first clues I missed).
I arrived early and nervously but happily waited outside, watching all the good-looking young women coming and going along the busy street, asking myself "Do ya feel lucky?"
After awhile I was starting to get aggravated and just about ready to leave when I noticed this 800 pound gorilla with glasses and thighs bulging out of her bicycle shorts standing in front of me. She had short gnarly hair, uncombed up and back in no style something ala Don King, tremendous boobs out to here, and my heart was sinking and dropped like a stone as she said "Ernie?"
What was I to do? Bewildered and always the gentleman, I stammered yes and we stepped inside where she made a beeline for the bar and I really had to laugh as the young Irish guys (busy staring at her amazing boobs) practically got knocked off their stools. In less than a minute she emerged from the crowd, carrying our drinks and we headed for a table in the rear where she sat nearly on top of me and started laughing and crying and running her fingers through my hair.
"Such nice silky hair, you know, you're a really handsome man Ernie." I couldn't care less about what she was saying; all I could think of was getting the hell out of there, and fast. Yes, the picture she'd sent turned out to be ten years old. In the meantime she'd gotten married, had two kids, divorced, gained fifty pounds, and become an alcoholic. "Do you want me Ernie? You can have me you know," she kept saying, between laughing and crying about her miserable life and trying to kiss me. This went on until I looked at my watch and said "Er, doncha think we should go? The concert will start soon."
She wanted another Guiness but I managed to steer her out the door and then she had to go back to her car to get something she'd forgotten. So I followed her to this old broken-down wreck with beer bottles and cans all over the seats and floor and I watched as she rummaged through the ashtray until lo and behold she found the roach of the joint she was smoking on the ride in and just for good measure, grabbed a beer from under the seat. Then we went into my car; only one thought going through my head "Thank god for this concert. I'll just drop her off and go home and take a long shower."
So we were driving along and she lit the roach and of course dropped it right away and was feeling around for it while I was thinking "One day the police will find it easily enough," when she gave up and started searching through her gigantic pocketbook for a bottle opener. She couldn't find that either so she started working the cap with her keys and I was expecting the damn thing to break any second, worrying about pieces of glass and spilling beer when amazingly enough she opened it cleanly and guzzled it down in one shot. She was sitting real close now and all of a sudden she made a grab for my cock! I laughed weakly and moved her hand as there was no way I could get turned on. I mean, on a scale of 10 she was a 2 and that's only because I haven't seen a 1 yet.
We finally arrived uptown and I parked at a broken meter. There was a long line around the block at the club and it wasn't moving, so of course she went right to the front and just barged in. The people took one look at her and no one said a word. I was grateful we didn't have to wait and then, just at the door she woke up and realized I didn't have a ticket and stepped out of the line and started hugging and kissing me again. I was trying to shrug her off and push her towards the door at the same time. The doorman was snarling, "Make up your minds... in or out," when, in a sudden rush of the crowd, she was swept inside.
The nightmare was over!
I turned towards the street.. and after a few chilly shakes and a Homer Simpson-like "Uuuuuhhhh," I was off into the night. Next morning, back online, I removed one name from my buddy list, but I left the ad. Who knows - maybe next time I'll get lucky!
I Felt Like Being A Dick Today
So I was sitting there the other day watching my girlfriend change the oil in my car, and I was getting pissed because she kept struggling when she tried to unscrew the filter. I was even more pissed than usual because I was playing videogames as I supervised her from inside the house, until I finally had to put the controller down and go outside to yell at her.
I stood out there in my underwear on a Saturday morning screaming at the top of my lungs. Then my neighbor, who's a total pussy, comes by and says "you shouldn't be yelling at your girlfriend like that." I wasn't going to stand there and just take it, so I socked him one right in the colon. His wife was bringing groceries inside when this happened, and as if it wasn't bad enough that I had to stop playing video games to go outside and yell, now this bitch was screaming at me like it was my fault.
I couldn't understand what she was shrieking about, as she was flapping her arms in the air and screaming. She started crying when she saw the busted colon I gave her pussy husband, so she took one of her shoes off and threw it at me. I caught the shoe between my pecs and I started to laugh like a pirate. Then she started walking towards me to take her shoe back, and there was no way I was going to let this bitch get near my chest so I body slammed her into a cactus that happened to be there. She got up and was uglier than before, so I did what I always do when women start to cry: I went back inside to play video games.
That wasn't the end of it though, it turns out the cranky old hag across the street saw all of this going on, so she came over to do what women do best: bitch. When I opened the door she was standing there in a partly transparent night gown, and it totally ruined the prospect of having a boner for at least 50 years. I was just starting to change my mind about the night gown when she started screeching at me and her stupid cat that she was holding started to hiss. So I took the cat and punted it over my neighbor's fence. She started crying "oh no! My cat! What have you done with my cat?!" I was laughing my ass off, then the bitch tried to scratch me so I gave her a round house kick and dislocated her hip.
I was laughing so hard I shit my pants.
A Sensitivity Test
You are running late for work, so you cut through the park to save time. As you round the corner you find a little girl crying because she has spilled her ice cream all over herself. What do you do?
A) You are so late that you keep on going and hope that no one sees you.
B) You stop and offer to buy her another ice cream to shut her up.
C) You stop and offer to clean her up and get her another ice cream.
REMEMBER: This is a sensitivity test.
Kiss Me Down Under
Whoops, my apologies to all you Aussie folks for not giving you guys credit with that whole Iraq invasion thing. I can understand you being upset, but hey, these things happen to the best of us, right?
Today Makes 31
Driving Just Isn't Fun Anymore
For starters, there's so much fucking construction in the Boston area it's hard to find a piece of pavement that's not being built up, hacked apart, rolled down, or patched. Interstate 495? Being repaved. Interstate 93? The Big Dig project. Route 3? Being widened. Route 95? Just finished repaving. Everywhere I look it's guys in hardhats waving orange flags at each other.
It's like I'm driving to work through the slums of El Salvador or something. And then there's the fucking idiots with their anti-war stickers.
And of course, you factor in the women drivers, ugh. No offense ladies, but a good portion of you really ought to take a few refresher driving courses. Learn to stay in one lane, use signal lights when changing lanes, to talk on your cell phone at some other time other then when you're cutting me off, oh yeah and leave the soup de'jour for the kitchen fucking table.
I'm not asking for much, I just want to enjoy driving again.
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