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A Few Dozen Stock Updates

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated.

And, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

So the economy isn't that dim after all.

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Allow Me To Translate For You

American and British forces fight to establish a sense of freedom to Iraq, thus allowing the common Iraqi citizen to enjoy such liberties as freedom of speech. Said citizens use newfound voice to tell Americans and British to, "get the fuck out." Ironic, eh?

So I just got finished reading this article, which after having done so I promptly vomited into my Super Size fries. Not from seeing this morons hack their faces up with swords, no, but from the complete and utter bullshit that spews from their mouths. Please allow me to paraphrase a few sentences for you...

If by "equals" you mean "kicked his skinny ass", and if by "down" you mean "Yeah we're [down] with the guys who saved our worthless hides..."

Or how about, "something that's possible thanks to the fighting forces of the United States and Britain, and thus far it has occured without any of us forming uncontrollable mindless mobs and killing the people who actually restored this religious freedom to us." Give that one a try and see how it sounds.

What a nice fucking visual there. Gee, if I were some supreme being, what better way to teach my worshipers about the value of life then to run a fucking sword scross their face. I'll never shit upon the Catholics who practice Lent ever again.

A willingness to sacrifice themselves that remained mysteriously absent before the USA came in and kicked Saddam's ass. Yeah, real fucking stand up guys you are. Now. After the fact.

If by "God" you mean the 1st Marine Expeditionary Unit, the Army's 3rd Infantry Division, 101st Airborne Division, British Royal Marines, plus 200,000 or so of their fellow comrades-at-arms, yeah, sure let's all throw up a big cheer and whoop it up for "God".

Amazingly, following this religious ritual with various anti-American undertones, nobody was arrested, tortured, or murdered. So how's about you give some credit where credit is due, you ungrateful fucks.

One Ass Whoopin, Nothing On It, To Go

So aside from a few skirmishes here and there, it appears the hostilities in Iraq are over. A friend and I were talking just yesterday on how even though the ground forces played a much more active role in the early stages of the war, there really weren't any more casualties than in the first Gulf War, which was predominantly air power for the first thirty days. I think that's living testament to the skill and dedication of both our soldiers, and those of our allies.

Soon, our military folks will start boarding transport aircraft to return to the United States, where they'll be greeted by cheering crowds, and be at ease knowing they've accomplished their mission. They'll be able to be with their spouses and hug their children again, and just enjoy the simple things that you and I take for granted.

Hopefully, we'rll throw em a big fuckin party when they get here, and they'll remain long enough to one day take these everyday pleasures for granted again, too.

Happy Fuckin Easter!

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then storms outside and beats the shit out of the peacock.

Q. Have you been to the John Rocker easter egg hunt?
A. None of the eggs are colored.

Q. What did Christ say while hanging on the cross?
A. "What a hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation."

What's the most widely disputed quote from the Bible? "Save me an Easter egg Peter, I'll be back in 3 days."

And Happy Easter to our troops. Godspeed, and be safe.

We Got A Full House Beyotch

If we can't get you Saddam, we'll get your little bitch of a half brother, the 5 of clubs.

Hey, where can you find 59,765,983 French jokes? In France, of course! Or in Hollywood, I suppose. We need more people like Tim Robbins like we need a hole in the fucking head.

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Getting a flat tire sucks, right? And getting a flat tire in a puddle sucks more. So getting a flat tire in a puddle while it's still raining sucks the most, right? Wrong. Try getting a flat tire on a C-130 Hercules in a puddle while it's still raining. That my friend, is the ultimate in suck'ism. So consider your day a good one.

The U.S. Sedition Act of 16 May, 1918

United States, Statutes at Large, Washington, D.C., 1918, Vol. XL, pp 553 ff. A portion of the amendment to Section 3 of the Espionage Act of June 15, 1917.SECTION 3.

Whoever, when the United States is at war, shall willfully make or convey false reports or false statements with intent to interfere with the operation or success of the military or naval forces of the United States, or to promote the success of its enemies, or shall willfully make or convey false reports, or false statements, . . . or incite insubordination, disloyalty, mutiny, or refusal of duty, in the military or naval forces of the United States, or shall willfully obstruct . . . the recruiting or enlistment service of the United States, or . . . shall willfully utter, print, write, or publish any disloyal, profane, scurrilous, or abusive language about the form of government of the United States, or the Constitution of the United States, or the military or naval forces of the United States . . . or shall willfully display the flag of any foreign enemy, or shall willfully . . . urge, incite, or advocate any curtailment of production . . . or advocate, teach, defend, or suggest the doing of any of the acts or things in this section enumerated and whoever shall by word or act support or favor the cause of any country with which the United States is at war or by word or act oppose the cause of the United States therein, shall be punished by a stiff fine of not more than $10,000 or imprisonment for not more than twenty years, or both.

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Half An Asshole

Watching the news the other day, I was out looking at some soldiers and one of them was sharing some cookies he had just received in the mail. A photographer walked over to him and asked in a heavy French accent for a cookie. The soldier glanced up and told him no cookies for anyone from France. The photographer then claimed he was half Italian.

Without missing a beat the soldier broke a cookie in half and handed it over.

In Your Face Dickhead

So anybody wanna place any bets on whether or not this spineless prick ever shows his face again? I don't think he will, not after being publicly bitch slapped by all his people. Me thinks he'll crawl down in his bunker and eat a bullet, a-la Hitler. (See peaceniks... that's an accurate Hitler comparison...) But even now part of me still thinks we're going to get the credit we deserve.

Now that Jessica Lynch is laying low for awhile, she's migrated off the front page, but that doesn't mean she's forgotten. And I know how important it is to people to rally around good news, such as the Jessica story, but let's not forget she wasn't the only one over there putting it on the line. A lot of folks gave more than she did, so let's not forget them too.

Army Emergency Relief - Navy/Marine Relief Society - Air Force Aid Society - Coast Guard Mutual Assistance

And what's that you say? You want an example of Coalition airpower? Well how about the flying tank-killer, the Warthog, the mighty A-10 Thunderbolt II. Yes indeedy, twenty thousand pounds of ass whoopin. And she can take a whoopin and still stay flying, too...

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Good Guys 2, Bad Guys 1

So the now free citizens of Iraq are dancing in the street, kicking and spitting on fallen statues of Saddam, and for the first time that I can remember seeing, a mob of Arabs are waving the American flag when it's not on fucking fire. Today is a good day, and I'm glad I'm around to see it. You should be too, because a lot of good people have made a lot of sacrifices to make it happen.

To all you liberal hippie scum who went out your "Not In My Name" protests, I quote the great Shaft when I say, "You're damned right."

Hopefully we'll see the end of hostilities soon, and Coalition soldiers can begin returning to their lives, while the people of Iraq begin their new ones.

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Okay, a Crab Joke

A humble crab fell into love with the Lobster Princess and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship but one day Lobster Princess came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab anymore.

"But why?" gasped the humble crab.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess. "You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways."

The humble Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.

That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball. Lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Only the Lobster Princess sat by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab.

Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking straight, one claw after another. Step by painful step he approached until he looked the Lobster King in the right in the eye. Crustacean to crustacean.

There was a deadly hush.

Finally the humble Crab giggles and says, "Man, I'm fucked up!"

here's how our pilots get refuled in midair

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Military Lingo

Here's a quick explanation of modern military terms:

"Engage the Enemy" means to blow something up. "Surgical Strike" means to blow up something small. "Decapitate" means to blow up their leaders. "Collateral Damage" means to accidentally blow up something of theirs. "Friendly Fire" means to accidentally blow up something of ours. "Target of Opportunity" means to blow something up on a whim. "Kinetic Targeting" means to blow up something that's moving. "Ordnance" is something that that does the blowing up. "An Asset" is something that should be blown up.

"Embedded Media" means a report that's blown out of proportion.

here's why humanitarian aid was slow getting to basra

I'm Speechless Times Two

One. Jessica. Good for you, soldier. We all needed to hear good news like that right about now.

Two. I looked in Webster's New World Dictionary for the definition of two words— "gaul" and "gall". This is what I found, and I thought you might take a liking to it:

Coincidence? I doubt it. What do you say after a country shows such disrespect to your war dead? I can't find the words. And this isn't the first time France has pulled something like this. Sixty plus years ago Poland and Britain considered France an ally. Remember how that worked out for them.

We don't want those pussies as our allies. Or anyone who acts like them either.

Hey Ladies, Stop Means Stop, No Foolin

I'm glad the media didn't make this whole roadblock running bus shooting thing didn't make a bigger stink that it has. Here's the way I see it. After having numerous apparent surrenders which turn out to be something else when soldiers dressed as civilians pull automatic rifles and start spraying, or after having a taxi driver blow himself up, the Coalition forces are forced to take steps to protect themselves. A van approached. It was told to halt for inspection. It kept driving. Soldiers then fired shots into the air. It kept driving. Soldiers then fired shots into the engine compartment. It still kept driving. Soldiers then resort to the universal language for "halt", that being bullets through the windshield. The fuckers stopped then.

Want to blame it on someone? Blame it on those who ignore the rules of war and force such drastic precautions to be a necessity on our part. Because remember, a bad night of sleep over there is a hell of a lot worse than a bad night over here. And aside from Staten Island, we don't even need a gas mask when we go outside.

More tough nights of sleep...
your bad night -- their bad night -- your bad night -- their bad night -- your bad night -- their bad night