E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Then Just Fucking Leave Already
As many of you are aware, there's been another boneheaded professor regurgitating some totally way out fucked up point of view on the war, in the latest game of one-up-manship of Peter Kirstein. This week's fucking balloonhead is the esteemed Nicholas De Genova from Columbia University, and an excerpt of his astounding political insight is as follows...
Now so many people are already speaking out against this idiot, that I really don't feel adding my two cents in here would really be worth the effort. But regardless, I just don't understand his thinking. I mean thoughts such as these go way beyond just disagreeing with your government, or holding out as the lone voice of unpopular opinion. Words such as these border on traitorous. And given that this guy obviously doesn't hold the United States in high regard, and our borders are still open, why doesn't he just get the fuck out? And isn't just an ignorant hot-headed, "you disagree with the majority so get out" rant, I'm serious. If you become so disenchanted with things here in America that you actually wish death to your fellow American whom you've never met, merely because they wear a uniform, don't you owe it to everybody including yourself just pack your bags and leave? Make room for someone who appreciates this country more than you ever will. Go someplace where you agree with the government and can live out the rest of your days in harmony without bringing the rest of us down.
NICHOLAS PAUL DE GENOVA, Asst Prof Anthropology
Because you sure don't want to live here, Mr. De Genova, and you certainly shouldn't be allowed to teach your curdled ideals here. I'm an American, I'm a Patriot, I'm certainly not a white supremacist, and I resent any implication that I am just because I wave my flag, you pompous asshole.
Alright, That Does It.
I've taken all I's can stands, because I can't stands no more.
Before this war started, all we heard France do was piss and moan. The protested any use of force against Iraq. They protested the American military buildup in the Gulf region. They protested the initial strikes targeted at Iraqi leadership. They protested and called Bush barbaric. They protested, they protested, they protested. And the irony is we're the ones who preserved that right for them to begin with.
Well, let's see what they have to say now, shall we?
- The Iraqi army launch military attacks from a hospital, including having a tank parked in the compound. The french say nothing.
- Iraqi soldiers raise the white flag of surrender and then fire upon our troops when we offer them safe quarter. Again the french are silent.
- Iraqi soldiers execute American troops in cold blood when they try to surrender. Still the french remain quiet.
- The Iraqi army fires mortars against its own civilians in Basra when they rise up against the regime. Not a french voice to be heard.
- Iraqi soldiers dress in civilian clothing and use women and children as human shields. And the french silence is deafening.
- The Iraqis parade captured prisoners in front of the world on live television. And yet again, the french have no voice protesting.
But wait, it seems the french do have a voice after all. Because now after Coalition forces free the Iraqi people from Saddam's regime; a price paid for with our own blood, the french want to be paid too. This is simply disgusting. And what does this tell me? The french aren't pro-peace, or anti-war, or anti-violence. They're just anti-America. Ladies and gentlemen, france is no longer our ally, and I want them to know it.
I have hereby instructed EHOWA's hosting services to deny access to all computers in france. No longer will this site be plagued by the pussy french and their .fr internet domain. No longer will my work be soiled by their beady little eyes. Those addresses with .fr in them will be permanently banned from my mailing lists. Additionally, I am going to do something that I normally would never do, and that's redistribute a chain letter. It calls for the boycott of all things french.
The Turmoils Of War
Hmmm, what to say here? The ongoing war with Iraq is going better than I had really expected, but certainly not as good as I had dared to hope. If you're like me, you're wondering why the hell we didn't hold off on the ground war until we beat the shit out of Iraqi defenses with our vastly superior air power, like we did in Gulf War Part I. So I can only assume that the urgency over finding and disarming potential WoMD play a part in the accelerated timetable and require us to put some boots on the ground before we'd like to. But I suppose if I had access to that type of information, I'd be at the Pentagon and not here typing at my keyboard.
Michael Moore. I didn't realize you'd take a break from stuffing donuts in your mouth to voice any kind of an opinion, you fat fuck. You're a piece of shit building your fame and fortune on the death of schoolchildren. I don't know who voted you an award, but I would like to plant my size ten squarely in their ass. I hope you die.
POW's. We've taken a few tough punches in this arena in the past few days. A military supply convoy of Marines from Texas make a wrong turn and finds themselves in a world of shit. Such is the unpredictability of war, I suppose. But as far as the reports some of the poor bastards being pulled out of their vehicles and executed point blank by a single shot to the forehead? I dunno, I suppose we should be shocked and at the same time not shocked? It's like seeing a horrible car accident, and then being suprised when we run up and see fatal injuries. It's not something you can really prepare yourself for, and at the same time what else did you expect dummy? All the regurgitation of rules from the Geneva Convention to a regime that includes the torture, rape, and murder of it's own citizens in it's day to day business, isn't going to make a shit bit of difference. So while their disregard for American lives is someting that should appall us, it really should not be any suprise. We're dealing with animals.
Brits. First the good news. Patriot missiles appear to work against not only incoming missiles, but planes too. The bad news? A missile doesn't discriminate bewteen friend or foe. You guys, along with the Australians are standing shoulder to shoulder with us on this one, and don't think we don't notice. The unpredictability of war will surely test our commitment, but I'm sure when all is said and done we'll be standing side by side on top of Saddam's big fat pumpkin head.
The Apache. The Iraqi's didn't shoot down shit, it went down because of mechanical failure. If they shot it down it's have crashed and would be in pieces. Look at the pictures... it landed right side up, in one piece, without any battle damage.
Chemical weapons. We found some. You hear that you french pieces of shit? More on this later, pussies.
Sears. Good call guys, way to support the troops, indeed. You'll get my business.
Good to see we can still count on some things, eh?
Are You Fucking Kidding Me?
The Iraqi leadership actually expects us to believe that saggy faced knockoff they forced on TV at gunpoint was really Saddam Hussein himself? Please. The Saddam Hussein look alike from "Hot Shots!" with Charlie Sheen was more convincing than that.
Christ, I can do better than that with finger paints and a pair of pajamas. But hey, I guess some people just aren't that bright, eh?
Speaking ot television, here's a neat bit of trivia. In December of 1942, pictures of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor took four days to be published in newspapers where they could be viewed by the general public. Here I am watching satellite guided tomahawk cruise missiles explode into Iraqi buildings, with no more than four seconds delay between the boom in Baghdad to the boom in my living room. What a difference 60 years makes. Ah, technology, don't ya just love it?
Voice and discuss your opinion of the festivities so far with other ehowa viewers!
The Boys Are Back In Basra
Well, we warned ya, motherfuckers. But you'd think the Iraqi army would know better than to start the skirmishes in Basra of all places. Didn't you try driving down that road one before, boys and girls? Don't you remember anything?
Well kids, looks like the game's just getting started. I do wish Brokaw would shut the fuck up with comments like, "our planes have just lifted off" -- what does he think Saddam didn't pay his fucking cable bill?
And to all men and women of the United States military, including our allies... keep your head down, be safe, and shoot straight. Trust that you're in our thoughts and prayers, as we trust that you're going to do us proud and keep fat bastards like me safe.
Now go forth, and kick ass, and chew bubble gum. Unless of course you're french, in that case sit at home and eat stale bread in front of your puny little televisions and hold your manhoods cheap while you watch real soldiers at work. Pussies.
Don't Let The Door Hit Ya, Where The Good Lord Split Ya.
"You got two days to get the fuck out, or I'm comin in. And take that little pain in the ass Uday with you." About fucking time. I'd say that speech was about 10 years overdue myself, but I'm glad it's finally been made and I'm sure our guys will rise to the occasion.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy to see our troops put in harms way, but I think it's a necessary evil at this point. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to be a one sided bitch slapping like it was before. I think Saddam's going to get off a few coordinated attacks of the nerve gas/chemicals he's been stockpiling, and while the results won't be catastrophic, it'll be downright chilling none the less. I just hope they keep our ground troops well protected in the meantime.
And then of course, the embarassed french will stand up and go, "Ooooh, well, now that we have proof of their weapons of mass destruction, we fully support the use of force in Iraq. We're behind ya all the way, Bush, ol buddy, ol pal!"
So, I have a new campaign for you...one that has given me immense pleasure. Go into ICQ, click the find users button and pick france as the country and pick any other options that you like. Eventually you will have to narrow it down by location, name, or age. Now what you do is when you have a list of around 50 people that match your search you click the send message icon. Now, cut and paste something anti-french into the message. I like to send something in English and in french (via the altavista translator). I love getting replies back and then giving them more jokes and more news articles. If you get into any really great flame wars, send me a copy and I'll post em.
This is as good as prank calling france, which is also on my list to do.
Shut Your Celebrity Pieholes
Warning, long overdue rant ahead.
For the past few months I've sat back and watched all these celebrities speak and publicly express their support/contempt for both the upcoming war with Iraq and our president GWB. And that's a nice thing, isn't it? being able to freely express ourselves? Be able to openly show our dissatisfaction with how things are going? That's the American way, it is our birthright as Americans, and it is good.
But just what the fuck makes these overpaid assholes think their opinions are more important than mine, yours, my mechanic's, or the guy who delivers my newspaper? Okay, so you're famous. Great, good for you. Okay, some of you make more money in a year than the rest of will ever see in a lifetime. Wonderful, your mom must be proud. But don't tellme that somehow makes your opinion important and that we should all quietly listem to what you have to say. I don't fucking think so. All you trained monkeys do is regurgitate lines from a script (that somebody else wrote) and maybe bang some drums. And none of us tell you how to do your job, so how about you all quit trying to steamroll the American public with your flashy smiles and clever t-shirt slogans?
Let's embellish a few of the more public displays of contempt and well, flagrant anti-Americanism that's been in the news recently.
Sean Penn. For starters, just what the fuck makes you think you're a celebrity? Here's the truth pal, you're a washed up nobody. You haven't made a good movie since Bad Boys almost twenty years ago, and even then it was carried by Esai Morales. Your time is past. You're a shooting star who's shot his load and has long since faded into the horizon. Face it, you know about as much about international diplomacy and identifying weapons of mass destructions as you do about acting. Your only claim to fame is being married to Robin Wright.
Mike Farrell. Hypocrite extraordinaire. Organizer of the recent "Artists Against War" protest, and another washed up nobody. Currently making his living off paychecks from the syndication of a thirty year old show made famous by the public's interest in Korean War, M*A*S*H. You'll never be more than Hawkeye's little bitch sidekick, you Alan Alda wannabe.
Mudvayne. For those of you not in the right music circles, this is one of the bands that thinks they'll be cool if they choose a misspelling of a common word as part their band's name. And you think I use the word "fuck" too much? Please. I wouldn't be suprised if this fucking idiot signed his record contract in crayon and couldn't string together a coherent thought without his agent whispering in his ear one syllable at a time. Hey Chud, do us all a favor. You just sit in the corner, play your little ukulele like a good little tot. Maybe work on your spelling. But let us the thinkers solve the world's problems, eh?
Chrissie Hynde . I know what you're thinking. Same thing I was. Who the fuck is Chrissie Hynde? I dunno either, but her comments were so stupid and idiotic, I just had to find out. I had to google search her to figure out what the hell her claim to fame was and apparently she used to sing in a band called the Pretenders who were famous so long ago they performed at the grand opening of ther Roman Colliseum. In fact she's so famous I had to search through a dozen sites before finding a clear picture of her, and when I did it almost scared me out of my chair -- somebody looks like she was dribbled face first through a minefield. I think this road whore is just spouting off inflammatory comments in hopes of getting some attention from someone other than the four people who are willing to admit being one of her fans.
This distinguished list goes on and on, and of course leads me to first ask the question, "Just how little does a person have to do to be considered a 'celebrity' in the country?" These people are either nothing more than second rate performers who's career peaked when they were listed as "second man standing behind garbage truck" in some movie credits, or are just thirsty for attention because they haven't been in the limelight for as long as I haven't been in diapers. It reminds me of a quote from John McCain made regarding France.
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
Isn't the same true of these balloonheads? About the only anti-war celebrity who's opinion I really respect, even though I disagree with him, is Martin Sheen. At least he's been consistant in voicing his opinion throughout the years and isn't just hopping on the anti-war bandwagon to get his face in the evening news one more time. But even then Mr. Sheen, ya know what your opinion is worth? About as much as mine. No more, no less.
So Hollywood, while our soldiers are out protecting the rights that have allowed you to prosper and your careers to flourish, do us all a favor. Shut the fuck up.
Stop Spam Forever. No, Really.
Ladies and germs, I have found the greatest fucking thing ever. I have found Spam Arrest.
They are a service which pre-screens your emails for spam and are 100% -- I repeat 100% -- effective. When people email you for the first time, they must must go through a ten second procedure to authenticate themselves. Ten seconds! This one time process is hardly an inconvience if it's really your old pal Herman from high school trying to get in contact with you. But it's a step that spammers won't go through since 10 seconds to them, times the 1,000,000 emails they send out at a time, wouldn't make it worth their while. And even if someone does authenticate themselves, you can block (or unblock) them manually!
The result? A completely spam free inbox baby. Trust me I know, I went from 200 emails a week to my personal account, to just over 40. And not one of those 40 was a piece of spam -- not one single piece of spam, and I know because I looked through all the rejected mail, which Spam Arrest holds on their servers for a week before discarding, and they were right on the money every single time. Try it free for 30 days and tell me they're not the best thing since pre-pasted wallpaper.
And if you do decide to register for their service after the free trial? Tell me you wouldn't pay $0.11 per day to never see another piece of spam? I know I sure as hell did, and I did it with bells on.
Honey, I'm Just Asking
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE A GOD DAMNED ARMY TO CLEAN THIS GOD DAMNED HOUSE!.
Oh I'm sorry, what was the question again?
A Whole Buncha Shit
For starters. A bunch of you beat me up and said I never mentioned what kind of ATV I bought, where I got it, if I like it, nothing. Which was kind of rude since I solicited advice from anyone who knew anything about quads. Well, excuuuuuusee me. I got a Yamaha Raptor. I've been able to ride it two fucking times in the past month and a half since it's been fifteen degrees outside with two feet of frozen snow covering everything. This winter truely sucks.
little like Ron Jeremy would after a hard day's work? No offense Ron, I mean you know America loves you and your big 16 incher. I'm just making an observation.
The best part is they're not extraditing him to the U.S. where he's be subject to the protection of the Bill of Rights (i.e. no cruel and unusual punishment). Nope, we're going to in-terror-gate him abroad, free of the contraints of U.S. laws. You know what that means. We're gonna call a couple pipe-hittin' niggas, who'll go to work on homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin' hillbilly boy?! We ain't through with you by a damn sight. We're gonna git medieval on your ass.
French Peace Treaty
Signed this __________ day of _________ in the year _____.
We do not wish hostilities to continue with aforementioned Army (ies) as it may lead to pain and suffering of our proud army. We will allow aforementioned Army (ies) to occupy our country, drink our wine, violate our women (children left to us), and to have unfettered access to anything else they should desire, for as long a time period as they wish.
Please do not hurt us, we are a peaceful country that has no real army to defend ourselves (America…PLEASE HELP).
President, Jacques 'Le Worm' Chirac
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