E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
So Long Mr Rogers
Well, it looks like Mr Rogers' neighborhood trolley has finally pulled out of the station for good. The old codger died this morning at his home in Pittsburgh after a very brief battle with stomach cancer.
I remember watching his show sometimes as a kid and thinking what a rube he was, but as I got older I noticed that he didn't change at all...same slippers, same sweater, same inspiring messages to kids. Then a few years ago I was suprised to learn he'd be giving the commencement ceremony at Middlebury College in Vermont, and all the rich-bitch students living off their parent's estates just pissed and moaned about how there's no way he could manage to offer an encouraging speech on an adult level, and having the childhood star as their speaker was demeaning to their accomplishments over the past four years. But instead he wow'ed em with kindness, and the nation for that matter, and received a standing ovation. Good for you, Mr Rogers, that was cool.
So long childhood friend, we'll send Speedy McFeely up soon with all your mail.
Anyone else glad Vanentine's Day is over?
Send Them Cool Shit
It's kind of weird how history repeats itself. In 1991, we had soldiers digging foxholes in Kuwait, all trading nervous glances and waiting on the word that would unleash them upon the Iraqi army like the wrath of God itself. They weren't fighting to protect their ten year old son back in the States, but rather to among other things, keep Kuwaiti children from being rounded up and slaughtered.
Now it's twelve years later. That American child who was back home hoping each day to to hear if his father survived another day of war? It's his turn in the foxhole now. And the Kuwaiti kid who was cowering in his basement to hide from Iraqi soldiers? He's trying to kill the son of the American soldier that freed his family back in 1991.
How soon they forget, eh?
Luckily however, it seems that you my faithful reader hasn't forgotten because in the past three weeks, I've received four inquiries as to how to send care packages to our troops serving in the Persian Gulf and Afghanistan theatres. Me, being the total bad ass that I am, have quickly found a solution for those of you wishing to send a little bit of the proverbial apple pie over to some poor bastard serving over there. It's called Operation Military Pride, it's been around since 1995, and it's run by a good soul named Arlyn McClaughy who supported our Let's bring Em Home project this past year. So I'm returning the favor.
How can you help? Well, there's a few ways you can do things. You can either write to Arlyn and request the name and address of someone to send a package to, or if you're lazy like me you can donate money directly to O.M.P. and they'll coordinate the packages themselves. They've worked not only with individuals, but with several schools and scout troops, all with a goal of distributing such items as razors, socks, candy, hot chocolate, popcorn, greeting cards, towels, underwear, foot powder, and countless other seeming trivial items, that you and I can so easily take for granted because we've got a 7-11 two blocks down the road. Well, the guys in Kuwait and Afghanistan and Turkey don't have any convience stores to swing into, and since you wouldn't like wiping your ass with government issue toilet paper, I'm sure you you can understand they sure can use a little touch of back home.
So, take a look at what Arlyn's trying to do, and give her a little support. No, give her a lot of support, because it's not her you're helping, it's these folks. So get a troop's address and get something in the mail. Or send over a few bucks to help support O.M.P's efforts. Hell, you can even send care packages to the working K-9's if you want. And as much as it hurts me to say this, please, no booze or porn as it's usually forbidden in these places and like they say, "When in Rome..."
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
What a very sad and bizarre end we have to the Jesica Santillan story. Jesica's second heart and lung transplant seemed to be working, but the damage from the first transplant was already done, and it wasn't survivable. Jesica died on Saturday afternoon with irreversible brain damage.
Now .. the rest of the story. Jesica, as you no doubt know by now, came to this country illegally. On both of the days that both of her transplant surgeries took place about sixteen people who were in this country legally died because they didn't get their life-saving transplant in time. That's 32 law-abiding citizens and residents of the United States who passed away while an illegal alien was receiving two hearts and lungs. (Four lungs? I don't know if they transplant one or two at a time.) Here's your kicker. When Jesica passed away there was a chance that the heart and lung she received a few days earlier might have been transplanted into yet another recipient. She also had two kidneys, corneas and other organs that could have been transplanted. The doctors asked her family if they would donate her organs.
Amazingly, they said, "No".
Can you believe this? This family pays a human-smuggler $5,000 to get into this country. They play on the sympathies of Americans to collect donations sufficient to cover the cost of the first operation. The hospital picks up the cost of the second operation - a cost that will be passed on to the taxpayers and to other patients. They give this girl two hearts and a couple of lungs that could have been transplanted into law-abiding citizens or residents. Then, when the time comes to show some appreciation or some compassion for others who might need a donor organ .. they say, "No".
Dirty Stinkin Frogs
"Nothing can be more absurd than the practice that prevails in our country of men and women not following the same pursuits with all their strengths and with one mind, for thus, the state instead of being whole is reduced to half." -- Plato
"The Taliban, they flee like the French!" -- anti-Taliban fighter, Ishod de Sharif, member of Northern Alliance's Elite Mounted Mule Patrol.
The European space agency chose a plain near the martian equator as the future landing site of their Beagle 2 lander. The European lander will carry soil analyzers, atmospheric instruments, and at the request of France, a pre-signed treaty of surrender.
The only way the French are going into Iraq is to tell them we found truffles. The French are always resistant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies. They're the most annoying people to walk the Earth. They demand much and contribute nothing.
Baltimore Gas & Electric
BGE received a call from a customer saying: "My power is out. When you come to fix it be sure to bring a truck with a tall enough bucket to remove the deer". The customer service rep prudently trying to gather helpful information to help diagnose the problem asked, "What deer"? The customer replied " There is a deer on top of one of the electric poles on Wilkes Rd about 1/2 mile west of perimeter Rd". The customer service rep tried desperately to pull herself together and not laugh in front of the customer and replied" We will dispatch someone right away to investigate the power outage. Thank you for the call".
Upon completion of the call, the customer service rep proceeded to share the funny story with her coworkers in the office and they all had a good laugh.
Well, low and behold, the serviceman who repaired the problem stopped by the customer service office the following day with the attached pictures. Sure enough, the poor deer had been hit by a train & landed on top of a distribution feeder pole!
Ah, Valentine's Day - the jour d'amour.
And who better represents romance than the only Frenchman worth his salt, that Gallic gallant himself, Pepe Le Pew?
Monsieur Le Pew, a dapper skunk, arrived on the big screen in January 1945 in the Warner Bros. cartoon "Odor-able Kitty." His creator was animator Chuck Jones, who also dreamed up Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. An early Pepe film, "For Scent-imental Reasons," won the 1949 Academy Award for best animated short. Since then, Pepe has starred in almost 20 cartoons, including "Little Beau Pepe" and "Past Parfumance." Throughout his oeuvre, the story's the same: a desperate skunk chases after a series of skunk-striped cats - "zee king-sized belle femme skunk fatales" Penelope, Fifi, Fabrette and Felice - and woos them vigorously in Franglais. Sadly, his ardor can't mask his odor, rendering his pursuit futile.
Still, Pepe's been at it for over 50 years. So this Valentine's Day, why not try some of his bons mots and let those pheromones fly. Just remember to wash with scented soap first.
LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD
got some new skyscraper banners for you to link us with
To Kill A Spammingbird
Now you know I preach not to actively pursue spammers, since you're really only letting them know you're a valid email address. But there's one particular asshole who's made this personal. You see, he's sendingout spam with my email address in the from field, so now not only am I getting all the bounces, but people think I'm the one sending them this shit. Behold...
Now since I'm not the recepient of the actual spam, I can't track him down via the mail headers. So I visit his piece of shit spam site and look around. No valid points of contact. So I view the source of the html page and lo and behold...
Sooooo, email@example.com huh? Gotcha motherfucker.
And so if you, fair reader, are fed up with spam, here's your chance to strike back. Rally around your fellow EHOWA brethren and send this asshole to this asshole and let him know the jig is up! True enough, spammers are energy creatures, don't feed them and they will die. But sometimes you just gotta strangle one or get your point across.
And remember the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt not Spam!
Alright This Cold Weather Sucks
Right now it's ten degrees outside. Thursday it's supposed to hit 5 degrees as a high. Normally I really wouldn't give a shit. However this continued cold spell presents me with three problems.
1. I have to get up and walk my dog. And going from a nice cozy electric blanket to bone chilling wind at 7am is a hell of a wake-up call. Not to mention after a few minutes his paws start to freeze so he starts limping and people look at me like I beat my dog.
2. I want to ride my ATV. Last week, we hit 45 degrees and it rained for two days straight. I was excited at this turn of events since rain = melt snow = mud. The return of Arctic Cirlce air has rendered this semi-melted snowbanks into huge fucking mountains of solid ice.
3. The windshield wiper motor of my truck is going. I know this because when it drops below 10 degrees, the motor freezes up and the wipers won't work until the engine has sufficiently heated the engine compartment. That's a tough task these past few mornings, trust me.
I'm not saying that I'm sick of playing around inside with all my hoes, I'm just saying I wanna play outside too. Dammit.
Other Fun Uses Of Condoms
You ask the bartender for a shotglass of water. Take out that unused condom from your wallet and unroll it. Now you drop 1/4 "Alkaseltzer" tablet into the glass and stretch the open end of the condom over the glass. Watch in glory as it will slowly achieve an erection, and bring laughter to most who see it.
If you want more excitement, you drop in a whole Alkaseltzer. After reaching full erection, it will continue to build pressure until it flies off the glass and around the room. It will sure make people duck. Nobody wants to be hit in the face by Dude, you're getting a record!
Screw Pierre and his Raspberry Beret
So the French still aren't on board with us kicking Iraq's ass. Oh boo hoo. Let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess, shall we?
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and pissing their pants on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?"
I speak now to the clueless imbeciles who say, "Iraw doesn't have any weapons of mass destruction -- that's why the US can't produce any proof that they do!" Listen closely now, because I'm only going to say this one time. Ya ready?
You stupid fuck.
Yeah produce proof for the world to see, that's what we need to do. That'd kind of shortsighted thinking has gotten our asses into hot water before, and if we make the same mistake here, we'll just be setting ourselves up for more devastating terrorist attacks in the future. Hey, wanna know the last time the US was forced into revealing secret evidence just to win the world opinion? After the bombing of the American and Israeli embassies in Manila back in 1994, we had to reveal taped phone conversations to support the indictment of the bombers. So classified recordings of conversations between Osama and his dipshit followers saying things like, "Hell yeah we did it", along with the knowledge that the US had these advanced eavesdropping capabilities, were laid bare for the scrutinizing eyes of the world, both friend and foe alike.
You see Osama was using encrypted satellite phones which were supposedly 100% secure and impervous to electronic eavesdropping -- probably the only reason he felt comfortable enough to openly admit this connections to the planning and execution of the bombings. And until the tapes were released he didn't know that US surveillance could tap into his secure phones, so he thought he was safe and discussed his business without reservation. So guess what? Ever since then we haven't been able to eavesdrop on any of his phone conversations, because there haven't been any. Knowing his phones were compromised, he abandoned them in favor of "word to ear" communications and in doing so took away one of our best abilities to defend against future terror attacks.
If the secure phone tapping advantage wasn't given up, would we have had enough of a warning to prevent Sept 11th? Well, it's kind of a stretch, but I suppose it's certainly conceivable. We didn't have any warning about the embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania back in 1998. Or the USS Cole bombings that killed 17 sailors just three years ago. Both of which were the handiwork of Osama and his Al Queda brethren.
So now we are forced to publicly show evidence on Iraq, and potentially lose another advantage in the war of information, all to appease the peaceniks who say there's no reason to invade Iraq. Kids, I'm here to tell ya the proof is there. We ain't getting all dressed up for this because some balloonheads think G.W. has a score to settle for his pappy, we're getting dressed up because there's a reason. I just hope we don't have to sell our souls to the devil again, just so the fucking French and the rest of the Europeans don't have to sneer when they say "Bah, American cowboys."
Oh, Here's a neat optical illusion. Stare at this picture long enough and you'll see a boat in the background.
noble alert: but you can be a good guy though
The space shuttle Columbia was lost during its re-entry into Earth's atmosphere. As NASA mourns the loss of seven family members, this page will collect and distribute information about the crew, the mission, and the ongoing investigation.
All original material ©1997-2017 EHOWA.COM/ERNIESHOUSEOFWHOOPASS.COM - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
all other materials are property of their respective owners!