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Dec 25, 2002


All Good Things

I'm visiting my family in New York and I'm dialed in via modem, so pardon me if this isn't the most robust multimedia filled update I've ever made. Normally, I'd have just done a "I'm going to be gone for awhile here are some links" update, but given the immensely successful nature of this year's LBEH, feel only a real update would do.

Next time you're watching a football game, pay close attention after the game when all the players come to the middle to shake hands. Each team has 45 players on their roster, so there's 90 between them. Lot of guys, eh?

Bah! Mere child's play for you the EHOWA subscriber, as with your donations we flew home 93 military folks to see their families this year! Yeah that's right, I said ninety fucking three.

And so, we will bring to close another chapter in EHOWA's annual "Let's Bring Em Home" project. Last year, 28 people. This year, 93. Next year? The sky is the limit kiddies.

For those of you who donated, I'll be making another table similar to the one we've been seeing for the past month only with more personal information on the individual people, so you may see whom you've helped in greater detail. For those who didn't donate, congratulations, you've passed up on something really spectacular, again. And to Major Burns, USMC, suck my chocolate salty balls.

There are lot of people I owe links to, don't worry I haven't forgotten. More when I return this weekend, and I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays.

Dec 20, 2002


Not As it Appears

Hear Ye, Hear Ye.

The forums will be down for maintenance over the weekend. Deal with it.

The Let's bring Em Home project however, is still running through next week, so if you havn't already...cough up some dough to get a soldier home for Christmas!

I haven't even started Christmas shopping yet, I haven't got the balls to face the crowds of angry old ladies.

Dec 17, 2002


Can I Get A Witness?

Yes ya can!

And as happens sometimes, some stupid people started playing "email tag" by replying to all on an email addressed to about 15 different people, and typing "you're it" like some big giggling idiot. As I have been very busy with the LBEH project and have no time for piddly ass shit like "conkle tag", I responded in my usual fashion ...

OKAY TAKE ME OFF THIS FUCKNG LIST. THE NEXT EMAIL I RECEIVE WITH THIS SHIT -- EVERYONE'S EMAIL ADDRESS GETS POSTED TO EHOWA.COM.

Well, everyone complied except one. You know, there's always got to be one kid who's got to hit the kickball one more time after the gym teacher blows the whistle. And today, I have that person for you...

To: "Ernie"
Subject: Re: Conkle Tag
Date: Mon, 16 Dec 2002 15:42:03 -0500
X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2800.1106

I'll just take it as a hint if I don't get this back. How many people actually have 8 true friends? Hardly anyone I know! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!! You have been tagged by the Friendship Conkle which means you are a great friend!! You will have good luck for Two Years if you send this to 8 people or more and if it is sent back to you then you know that you are a true friend..... You must send it in 5 minutes or your good luck will be broken!!!

So, tag, you're it Mark and Amy! Only now we're playing Ernie Tag, and your good luck is already broken.

Dec 14, 2002


Give Everyone Everything

So North Koreans want nukes, eh? And the South Koreans want us out of their country? No problem, I see a simple solution to this problem that will make everyone happy! We pull out troops out of South Korea. North Korea then promptly invades South Korea. We then nuke the Koreas as a whole, and everyone gets what they want for Christmas!

Let me be prez for a day, and I'll straighten all this shit out pronto. Oh and here's a nice view of the Twin Towers before they fell, although a little bit obstructed. So please kids, try to remember that old saying, porn kills but so do mullets!

Dec 12, 2002


Frequent Flier

If you've got enough miles for a free round-trip domestic ticket, and would like to donate them to get a military person home in time for Christmas, email me and we'll get the ball rolling! We've just completed our 50th ticket!!!

Dec 9, 2002


Gimme My Damned Airstrip

Those astute readers among you will recognize the name USS Peleliu as being somewhat significant in recent US history. For the sailors and marines that server aboard her, there was no Christmas in 2001; all leaves were cancelled and troops recalled as they sped to the Indian Ocean as the USS Peleliu was the very first amphibious assault ship to repond after the September 11th attacks so long ago. The Peleliu was also the base of operations for the 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit, one of the first American forces to hit Afghanistan and set up a permenant base that remains occupied even today. The Peleliu also served as hospital and detention facility to none other that that squirrely piece of shit known as the traitorous John Walker Lindh. Indeed, she has defended us with honor and dignity.

Ah, but this is 2002 and things are different. The Peleliu will be docking at her home port of San Diego in mid December, and her troops will be given a well deserved rest to spend the first major holiday with their families in almost two years.

Why do I bring this up? Because the news of this year's "Let's Bring Em Home" is spreading around their ship like wildfire. We've already received eight requests for airline tickets from their troops, and I feel pretty comfortable in saying more will be on their way in the very near future. All of which have more than earned the privilege of seeing their wives, husbands, children, brothers, mothers and neighbors for this Christmas season.

Why am I telling you? Because you're the only one who can bring them home. We're running low on funds, so don't make me tell them I can't help.

And of course, be glad you're not a bad guy who's staring down the business end of an AC-130 gunship's 105mm howitzer. You can run sucks, but you can't hide!

Dec 6, 2002


From a Marine in Kosovo

Ernie Says: Note the signature, but read it last...

A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface at some point in the near future anyway. That is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of faggots for soldiers.

I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, as evidenced by the fact that the French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and beat his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Mary Beth Jxxxxxx LtCol, USMC

Dec 4, 2002


He Who Laughs Last

Now I'm sure we all remember the email exchange that happened between an Air Force Academy cadet and Peter Kirstein last month.

You know, the one where the professor called the cadet a babykilling coward. And I'm sure you all remember the heated email exchange that happened bewteen me, Pete, and Pete's boss. And I'm sure you also remember the final chapter in that book where Pete got his dick smacked, was relieved of his teaching responsibilities, and placed on sabbatical leave.

Well here's Appendix A: with donations gathered from EHOWA subscribers so far, one of the 14 tickets we've purchased for military members is going to buy that very Air Force Academy Cadet a ride home for Christmas. Ha! How ya like me now, Pete?

Ernie's House of Whoop Ass: 2

Liberal Peacemongering Hippie Professors: 0

Dec 2, 2002


Space-A My Ass

So there's been a lot of questions posed, especially by skeptics of the LBEH project, about whether or not military personnel can travel for free on military flights. The program they're talking about is called "space available" travel, or "space-a" for short. It means that after all the military cargo and people travelling on official government business have been loaded on the plane, those travelling for non-official purposes can board the plane as passengers, on a space available basis.

This is a program started way back in the 1970's when the military was in it's hay day with lots of open bases around the country and around the world, and lots of flights with lots of seats going every which way.

Now turn the clock forward to the 1990's when 60% of the US based military bases were closed and 50% of our overseas bases were closed. Plus with defense budget cuts, funds for training are the first to go, that means training flights are one of the first "luxuries" to go, and the result is a lot less flights with a lot less seats going to a lot less places.

Keep in mind these space-a seats are on a "first come first serve basis" but instead seating priority is assigned by your pay grade. What's that mean? The military phrase, "Rank has it's privileges." Well, that's very true, and any space-a seats will go to higher ranking (and higher paid) military personnel first, and the lowly (and lesser paid) enlisted personnel will be prioritized last, even though they're the ones that can least afford to purchase a commercial plane ticket.

So to apply what we've learned about space-a travel to a real works request, let's assuming that I'm back in the Air Force as an airman stationed at Hanscom AFB in Massachusetts and want to "catch a hop" on space-a to see my folks in Rochester, NY. Let's begin the journey...

Let's start by looking at the nearest bases to where I'm going. Griffiss AFB in NY which was 90 minutes from Rochester was closed down in 1996. Next closest was Plattsburgh AFB also in NY is 6 hours away, but too was closed down around 1993'ish. So now I'm looking at Wright Patterson AFB in Ohio which is a 10 hour drive from Rochester or Maguire AFB in new Jersey which is a mere 7 hours drive.

Well, the only flights in/out of by home base might be the bi-weekly medical flight to Langley AFB in Virginia and weekly supply flights coming from a handful of other bases scattered throughout the country, none of which are to Ohio or New Jersey. That means that assuming one of these flights is actually coming in during the start of my absolutely inflexible leave dates, I have to hope to catch a seat on one of these "hops" to another base, which has some other flight going to my final destination, and hope to get a seat on that flight as well.

I start out with 14 days of leave, and spend a day in Hanscom's terminal hoping to get one of the available seats. But it's my lucky day and after a day's wait I happen to catch a 5 hour flight on a C-130 with hard plastic seats and no soundproofing, sitting wedged between a HUMVEE and a pallet of tank treads, wishing I had the foresight to pack a sandwich and destined for a base in North Carolina.

Once arriving 200 miles *further* from my designation from when I started, I'm told there's a flight leaving in 12 hours for Wright Patterson AFB and I've got the last seat -- I'm ecstatic. So after waiting for 10 hours laying in a corner using my suitcase for a pillow, a lieutenant, who happens to make three times as much money as I do, walks into the hangar and being a high pay grade gets my seat. So I have to wait around the next flight which is in 48 hours.

But again my lucky stars shine on me, and after shelling out money for a night in some shabby hotel near base, I get a seat on the next flight for Wright Patterson, this time on a jet powered C-141, but still with no soundproofing or cushioned seats to make my 4 hour trip a little more hospitable. Instead of a HUMVEE to lean against, I've got 4 huge crates of radar dome parts and thirty 50-gallon drums of motor oil. Again wish I had packed a sandwich.

So, after having spent 72 hours travelling with no real place to sleep, shower, or eat, I arrive at my "destination" -- an airbase that's only 10 hours drive from my home, I'm hungrier than hell, I can't hear a damned thing, and my ass hurts.

Luckily my parents drove the 10 hours to meet me so I don't have to blow $200 on a rental car, and they and buy me something to eat, but only before we spend another half day driving back home for a total of almost 4 days of one way travel. Assume the same amount of time will be spent on the return trip, so now the 14 days I had planned to spend on my family is now cut down to 6 days. And of course if I can't catch the series of hops back to base and report on station by the time my leave is up, I can face punitive action for being absent without leave.

So yes, "space-a" travel is in theory possible for the folks I'm asking you to help purchase airline tickets for, but only on paper. For these junior enlisted troops that are least capable of affording a commercial plane ticket and are most deserving of it, the closest they're going to get to catching a hop to where they need to go is indeed, "just in theory."

So please, all you nay-sayers out there, get a grip and help out. If you don't, you're going to feel awful stupid on December 26th.

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