E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Let's Bring Em Home, Again!
For the past year I have usually gotten 2-3 emails per week that went something like this: "Wow man, I really dig what you did last year for those soldiers." And yes, I'll admit that I really dug what *we* did last year for those soldiers.
For those of you new to the EHOWA family, last December we kicked off a little project called "Let's bring Em Home" where we all pitched in and bought plane tickets for military personnel who otherwise couldn't afford to be with their families over the holiday season. And I am proud to say, we were a most successful bunch! Over $13,000 donated into the pot, which allowed us to buy 28 airfares for military personnel of all shapes and sizes.
This year, I'm even more proud to announce that yep, we're gonna do it again.
I am a firm believer that the reason there have not been any terrorist attacks on American soil this past year isn't because the Al Queda is sitting around a campfire somewhere kicking the dirt and mumbling, "Shucks we're all out of ideas." No, I believe it's because they've been completely knocked off their game and sent scattering for the hills by the most powerful fighting force in history.
This past year in the fight against terrorism, there have been over 45 soldiers killed in the line of duty protecting our way of life. They fought and their comrades still do fight, so that we can sit down tomorrow and have one more helping of turkey than we should. So that we can wear funny red Santa hats while we walk around the mall and Christmas shop for gifts. So we can sit around with our families during a snowstorm and laugh and talk and bicker and reminisce, all without fear of being killed simply because we live in the best country in the world. They give us the gift of our families and our safety and our freedom.
What's the best way to say thank you and repay the dedication they unquestioningly show us? I say we return the favor, and give them the gift of their families in return.
I know this speech isn't anywhere near as long as it was last year, because I don't want to sound like a broken record. I do encourage any of you who's memory may be a bit fuzzy to take a look back at our efforts last year and perhaps your spirit of giving and patriotism will be rekindled...
Last year's efforts, while certainly done last minute, were an extraordinary success to say the least. This year I'm allowing us some more time in the hopes that we'll receive even more donations and be able to fly even more troops home to deliver Christmas gifts in person instead of by mail.
So it's at this point where for that for one of two times in the year of 2002, yes, I'm asking you to reach in your pocket and part with some cash. Skip your morning double latte and send the $5 to help buy a plane ticket for someone who bravely stands between you and the bad guys. Or $10 or $20. And if you feel their courage is worth more, let your conscience be your guide.
I'll be keeping an updated tally of all the donations, how many tickets we've purchased and for whom, what tickets we're working on, and just about every other scrap of info I can get my hands on at, on this page...
This URL, for those of your concerned, is completely safe for work. Spread it around. I charge you with the monumental task of making this Christmas season better than the last.
Also if you feel so inclined, we're working on a way to donate frequent flier miles as well... that info and more will be available on this site soon.
The preferred method for sending in your donation is via paypal. If you don't have a paypal account, you can sign up for one by clicking here...
Once you're all signed up, you can send in your donation of any amount -- and I do mean any -- right here...
And of course, if you ARE military and need a ride home for the holidays, don't be afraid to ask, because you've more than earned it.
On behalf of all those who will be seeing their families thanks to your generosity, I thank you all in advance for your time, understanding, and oh yeah baby, your donation.
Everyone have a safe and happy holiday.
I've been waiting a year to say this.... All right kids, Let's Bring Em Home!
Looks like this year's "Let's Bring Em Home" project will be kicking a little earlier than our anticipated date of December 1st. Start counting your nickels, as I've already bought four tickets. For those of you new to EHOWA, here's a recap of last year's project, which was a great success. This year's project kicks off on TUESDAY!
How Did We Survive?
Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our houses and baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors,or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!) We slept without flame retardant pyjamas, without air conditioning, with doors and windows open.
Our dogs did not have rabies shots, distemper shots, parvo shots, and we didn't pour chemicals on them or on us to repel fleas and ticks and mosquitoes. We followed along in the big white clouds sprayed out by the city trucks to kill mosquitoes breathing in the wonderful smell of DDT. We raced around town without adults on Halloween collecting treats and eating them as we went along without having them x-rayed first. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We ate cup cakes, bread and butter, fried fat back for breakfast along with biscuits made with pure lard, and drank sugar sodas, but we were never overweight.... we were always outside playing. We played with cap pistols and toy rifles and rubber knives. We took snakes or frogs or lizards to school, but never guns. We waded barefoot through muddy water in ditches catching tadpoles and crawdads. We cut the grass with push mowers, climbed trees, and walked along the top of fences like they were tight ropes. We petted stray dogs and cats and took them home to see if we could keep them.
We shot off fireworks without supervision or safety precautions and without getting arrested. We made match guns out of clothes pins and shot flaming matches at each other and at passing cars. We walked or rode our bicycles to and from school in the flaming heat, in the freezing cold, and in the pouring rain. We were not afraid to accept a ride home from a total stranger when it was raining. We knocked on strangers' doors without fear when we were searching for our missing puppy or kitten. We left our bicycle lying in the middle of the front yard at night, and it would still be there in the morning. There were tryouts for cheerleader and Little League, and not everyone made the teams. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade as many times as necessary. We didn't wear designer clothes to school or drive shiny new cars to high school. If we had a car to drive, we were happy with anything that would run no matter what it looked like. We had never even heard of seatbelts or airbags, which probably would not do any good anyway with ten people packed into a Volkswagen.
That generation produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one from this generation, congratulations! -- Author unknown.
Time For an Adventure
When I was in junior high, all I wanted was a girl with nice tits.
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with nice tits.
And you folks wonder why I don't post pictures of my ex-girlfriends on EHOWA... Ha! I've got better things to do for five months, like drink beer with you fine people!
Glad I'm Not A Pats Fan
- Raiders avenged the bullshit Snowbowl loss from last season.
So can you believe the stupid fuck who tried to hijack an Israeli El-Al flight using a fucking pocketknife? Man what're you stupid? They're only the most secure airline in the world, that has armed sky marshals on EVERY flight, oh, oh, plus every fucking citizen, including the chicks, have been taught hand to hand combat. You weren't even fucking close pal. Next time, aim for some nobody like Air Zimbabwe or something, because we'll kick your ass too.
What's left to do, other than celebrate!
Kneel Before Zod
My hat is off to Dr Yanikoski and the rest of the staff of Saint Xavier University, for setting things right once and for all. Thank you very much.
And thank you to everyone who wrote in to the university and expressed their outrage, and for those who forwarded the story to various news services which helped get the word out even faster.
This I think we can certainly chalk up to "mission accomplished", especially since he was suspended on Vetaran's Day.
A Lesson On Porn
Well, I learned a lesson on porn sites today.
When you do decide to cough up some cash for membership to a porn site, make sure it's a one time charge and not a monthly reoccuring. Aside from the obvious money thing, there's also the added benefit of never having to call up your credit card company, and explain to the female representative how you'd like to dispute the charge from the merchant "Amateur Action Inc." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You can't make this stuff up!
So for now on, I'll only be linking porn sites that are free, do a lifetime membership, or charge no more than a dollar.
This I hereby decree.
I've got two words for you: FUCKING OW.
Just Some Stuff
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know before I go any further. How dare I forget the Marines? Happy 227th birthday, groundpounders.
To everyone who's written in to say, "rock on with your bad self Ernie" regarding my Quest to Circumcise the Peter. It's great that you voice your opinions to me, but don't forget to voice them to the school's managing body as well. They need to hear from more than just me to keep pressure on if we are to expect them to take serious steps against this guy. Be respectful.
Why am I being so adamant aout this? Think about this. Your 5 year old son throws a rock and belts another kid in the head. Other kid's parent bring their crying child up to you and like a responsible parent, you make your son apologize. Do you let your kid get away with kicking the dirt and mumbling "sorry" while turning their back to everyone? Or do you make him stand up straight, face the people he hurt and say a sincere "I am sorry". Of course you'd do the latter, but in this case, Pete is trying to get away with just shuffling his feet and saying "he started it".
I'm not going to let that happen.
Happy Veterans Day
BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Whereas it has long been our customs to commemorate November 11, the anniversary of the ending of World War I, by paying tribute to the heroes of that tragic struggle and by rededicating ourselves to the cause of peace; and;
Whereas in the intervening years the United States has been involved in two other great military conflicts, which have added millions of veterans living and dead to the honor rolls of this Nation; and;
Whereas the Congress passed a concurrent resolution on June 4, 1926 (44 Stat. 1982), calling for the observance of November 11 with appropriate ceremonies, and later provided in an act approved May 13, 1938 (52 Stat. 351) , that the eleventh of November should be a legal holiday and should be known as Armistice Day; and;
Whereas, in order to expand the significance of that commemoration and in order that a grateful Nation might pay appropriate homage to the veterans of all its wars who have contributed so much to the preservation of this Nation, the Congress, by an act approved June 1, 1954 (68 Stat. 168), changed the name of the holiday to Veterans Day;
Now, Therefore, I, Dwight D. Eisenhower, President of the United States of America, do hereby call upon all of our citizens to observe Thursday, November 11, 1954, as Veterans Day. On that day let us solemnly remember the sacrifices of all those who fought so valiantly, on the seas, in the air, and on foreign shores, to preserve our heritage of freedom, and let us reconsecrate ourselves to the task of promoting an enduring peace so that their efforts shall not have been in vain.
I also direct the appropriate officials of the Government to arrange for the display of the flag of the United States on all public buildings on Veterans Day.
In order to insure proper and widespread observance of this anniversary, all veterans, all veterans' organizations, and the entire citizenry will wish to wish to join hands in the common purpose.
Toward this end, I am designating the Administrator of Veterans' Affairs as Chairman of a Veterans Day National Committee, which shall include such other persons as the Chairman may select, and which will coordinate at the national level necessary planning for the observance. I am also requesting the heads of all departments and agencies of the Executive branch of the Government to assist the National Committee in every way possible.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and cause the seal of the United States of America to be affixed.
Done at the City of Washington this eighth day of October in the Year of our Lord nineteen hundred and fifty-four, and of the Independence of the (SEAL) United States of America the one hundred and seventy-ninth.
DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
JOHN FOSTER DULLES
Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Ernie and I'm the senior flight attendent on your flight. We'll be departing Kabul, Afghanistan in about 3 minutes and arriving at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba's detention facility in approximately 13 hours. At this time I'd like you to make sure your trays and seat backs are in their upright and locked position to prepare for takeoff. Once we reach a cruising altitude the captain will turn off the 'fasten seat belt' sign allowing us to move about the cabin but not you.
Although there will be no food or beverage service on this flight, should you feel the need to relieve yourself please feel free to do it in your pants as we have placed puppy housebreaking pads under your ass to keep our multi-million dollar aircraft smelling fresh. The in-flight movie will consist of two prime-time features, "Taliban Bodies" and "Die Terrorist Die", but this is irrelevent to all of you as you have been bound, gagged, and blindfolded.
Resign now Pete, word is getting out!
Sometimes Sorry Just Don't Cut It
Now I'm a pretty laid back guy, and few and far between are the events that really piss me off. Sure we all get frustrated or a little irritable every now and again, but I'm talking really pissed off.
So I'm sure you'll share my suprise when I opened my inbox and read this little exchange between a cadet at the Air Force Academy and a processor of history from Saint Xavier University...
Alright, not so bad so far, right? Just a college kid who attends the AF Academy and is asking for some contact information for another university. No biggie. But here's the reply he received.
So that, as one might expect sent me into a fucking tirade. I mean I saw seeing fucking stars. I wanted to kick my dog. I wanted to smack my television. I wanted to drive to Chicago and take a great big shit on ol Peter's car. But instead, I cooled down and calmly came to the realization that this matter will need to be handled with diplomacy and tact instead of brute force and anger. So I wrote the following letter to our dear professor and cc'd the President of Saint Xavier University....
I felt better. I vented, and it felt good. And then I received this auto-reply...
First off by noting the "private message" is a sly way of implying there was some breech of trust here. I don't think so. Did he send it from his work account? Yes. Did he reply with "Professor of History" in his email footer? Yes. Was the original question posted to him in an official capacity because of his position? yes. Then guess what Jack, that wasn't a private email it was official correspondence. not to mention if he didn't want to be famous for his controversial views he shouldn't have been so fucking anxious to share them.
Want to offer a real apology Pete? Why not post it on your page of the university website, maybe somewhere among the "challenge American unilateralism" propoganda and the plug for your new book, "False Dissenters: Manhattan Project Scientists and the Use of the Atomic Bomb".
So now I leave it in your hands, fair reader, the judge and jury in the court of public opinion. Personally, I think "oops I'm sorry" is something you say to someone after you step on their foot when the subway comes to an abrupt halt. I don't think it quite covers labeling generations of America's warriors as "cowards" and "babykillers". But that's just my opinion.
Say Hello To Allah, Motherfucker!
The CIA launched a missile at a car in Yemen early Monday killing six suspected al Qaeda members, including the terrorist organization's chief in that country who was wanted for the bombing of the USS Cole, sources told CNN. The Hellfire missile was fired from a CIA drone, sources told CNN. Pentagon and U.S. intelligence officials refused to discuss the report.
The dead man, Qaed Senyan al-Harthi, also known as Abu Ali, was one of the assholes involved in the 2000 suicide bombing of the U.S. warship Cole in a Yemeni port that killed 17 U.S. sailors. Walid Al-Saqqaf, managing editor of the Yemen Times, told CNN that Ali was identified as the one in the vehicle by a mark on his leg, which was blown clean fucking off in the blast and found near the scene.
Witnesses of the blast were quoted as saying, "Man, you got knocked the fuck out."
My Friend Puddy!
Now I know I've got a fairly large audience here, so I just wanted to take a few minutes and pay tribute to a person truly deserving of recognition. Let me take a few minutes and tell you about my friend Puddy.
Puddy truly is the best person alive. In fact, I feel my life has been enriched by just having known this splendid individual for a few short years. I shudder to think what my existence would be if I were to not have Puddy as a friend, surely I would be worth nothing. My value as a human being would be a mere shadow of what it is now, if it were not for Puddy.
Puddy is the greatest. He is the best. I would eagerly lay down my life just so Puddy could have a warm place to sit down and eat his breakfast. In fact, I even stayed up late last night penning this small tribute to the amazing Puddy...
I know there are lots of you out there who look up to and admire me, but I can only shake my head and sigh. For if you too were as lucky as I am to be allowed to bask in the wonder that is PUDDY, I am sure you would give me no more attention than a rock stuck in your shoe.
Oh, and by the way, the Raiders lost. Again.
Round two of the scavenger hunt has started. To the victor go the spoils...
Can you crack my code? i hUJ0H 05 W,I 35V37d 3W d73H
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