E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Ling Says Hi
I hate to bring this up, but there are some things going on here that are really disturbing to me. Two of which just so happen to take place in the bathrooms.
First of all - if you must let a #2 go in the "community" bathrooms think about the person that will be in line behind you, and kindly do a double flush. Seriously, I can't handle seeing any more crap particles resting at the bottom of the bowl. Now I'm not one to inspect the toilets, however, I do take a quick glance at where I am about to stick my ass....where we all stick our asses.
Second (and perhaps MOST importantly) - when you're reaching down to do that "double flush", take a moment to make sure you didn't leave anything behind. You know what I mean....any bits of hair or whatever. Too often, as I'm preparing the ass gasket for it's sanitation duty, I stumble upon some unfriendly remains of the one who proceeds me. And I'm not talking about goldie-locks here people!
So the next time you're venturing into the the trenches...think about the unsuspecting individuals that will follow. Think about the many unsuspecting individuals that will follow. Be courteous to your fellow employees....
Forced To Make Some Hard Choices
Yep this economic downturn continues to impact all of in our daily lives. To think about the sacrifices we each have to make sometimes brings a tear to my eye. I mean sure even the government has been forced to make a lot of cuts, but they've got abigger budget than you or I do.
But when it effects you personally, it's always tough when you simply lose something that you worked so hard for, and no matter how much you try, you can't shrug off the feeling that.
Evolution Has Stopped
Think about it -- the very existance of doctors and medicine has counterbalanced the valuable effects of natural selection.
So instead of being abandoned at birth because their brain is too fucking small and slow to allow the body to function properly throughout its life, a child can grow up to be a clerk at convience store and say, sell a jar of olives, two six packs of beer, a big bag of potato chips, some refrigerated french onion dip, and two limes to a customer -- such as me -- and then ask if I need a fuckin bag for my purchse.
What the fuck is wrong with kids these days? Why can't you make change for a dollar without having to look up at the cash register display every third coin you pull out? Is it the stupid fucking cartoons you watched as a kid? What is it?
Side note. The old EHOWA server has been retired. Think I should put it on ebay for prosperity's sake?
How's This Feel?
Got a funny phonecall from my brother this weekend. He reports that after my four year old nephew watched "Happy Gilmore" about four times in a row, his mom told him to pick up some of his toys and he responded with a relaxed, "The price is wrong, bitch." Now sure, you gotta discipline him, but at the same time, how can you not laugh your ass off? I did.
And I think perhaps now would be a good time for some ridiculous reader feedback, eh?
Uhhhhh, why no, they haven't. But, um, thank you?
I Love Speed
For starters, ehowa.com is now running off a newer, faster server. Notice a difference?
And secondly, the discussion forums are back up and running, this time in their permenant home of forums.ehowa.com which is being hosted not in the UK this time, but instead by one of our very own subscribers over at plexushosting.net -- check em out!
And thanks to Tom for getting the forums back on their feet again.
A Final Daisy Update
Well folks, it's rare when an event comes and afterwards you get to sit back and relish success thinking to yourself, "yep, my work here is done."
I'm happy to report that this is one of those times.
I beseech thee to check out the latest (and presumably last) update on the progress of Daisy the Barbequed Dog...
A Return Trip Perhaps?
Airfields all over the world are designated with 4 letter identifiers with no two being the same. They use this partly for us to file our flight plans so there is no confusion by the air traffic controllers around the world as to where we will be going. The first letter means what country or part of the world the airport is in. For example the letter "R" was used in the Pacific and they use the letter "K" in the U.S. The last 3 will identify the airfield. For example... Columbus AFB uses "CBM" and since it is in the States the 4 letter identifier is "KCBM." Kadena AB in Okinawa uses "ODN" and since it is in the Pacific the identifier is "RODN."
Are we all following so far? Now it's time for the lesson quiz...
Today we are planning a flight into Adams Field in Little Rock, Arkansas as a stop on our Cross Country flight. Let's see if you have been following this short lesson in aviation... The three letter identifier for Little Rock is "LIT", and since it is an airfield in the States... you guessed it! We're going to "KLIT" today! I sure do hope we enjoy the trip! If you haven't been there before, I highly recommend KLIT.
I wonder if KLIT is where our former President from Little Rock flew in and out of when he went back to Little Rock? Speaking of which, as awkward as this is to report, is it me or has Chelsea gone up a few notches in the hottie list with those little titty hard-ons?
Plus, now that the voting is over, I can post this withour fear of influencing the votes. Is this a great 1024x768 wallpaper or what?
A Round Of Applause Please
For the ladies who's breastesses emerged victorious in the Best Tits Contest.
the rest of the results are here.
Gotcha, You Bucktoothed Fuck
Pakistani authorities arrested Ramzi "The Tooth of Allah" Binalshibh, a Yemini national, after a shootout during a pair of raids in Karachi Wednesday -- a year to the day after the terrorist strikes on New York and Washington.
Binalshibh, inspired by the villian "Jaws" of the James Bond movies "Moonraker" and "The Spy Who Loved Me", is wanted in several terrorist attacks on western targets, including one back in 1998 where he chewed through the metal skin of an airliner and another in 2000 where he bit through the tailgate of a pickup truck hauling hazardous waste.
In addition to facing terroism counts, he is also being charged with one count of being a complete fucking asshole, and on count of having the most goofy ass mugshot ever in FBI history.
That's two down.
Alligator Alley, Eh?
Good, then I say feed one of em to the fucking alligators and I bet the other two will start singing.
Best Tits votes are all counted, I am just waiting word back from one of the chicks to see how she wants to handle one category. Shouldn't be long now.
Last Day In Best Tits Voting
Just your friendly neightborhood webmaster reminding you that today is the final day in voting for the Best Tits Contest, so make sure your opinion is cast this one final time! Tomorrow I'm taking all the polls down and will begin validating all the results, with the winners crowned on Friday evening so they have the weekend to relish!
Uh yeah, didn't Iraq try that stone and knife thing before? How'd that work out for them?
No more Werewolves in London for you.
And here's a very pleasant blast from the past, coming to you live from last year's Let's Bring Em Home project. Here's something from SrA Coddington, USAF. He's one of the guys we helped out over the holidays. The one who had to take a two day bus ride from New Mexico to Baltimore until we bought him a plane ticket. Anyway, he's currently on a three-month (that reads six-months once he got there) to Kyrsygkstan. He's kickin' ass and takin' names... 12 hour days 6 days a week since he got there. All that hard work and sacrifice and not a whimper. Go Carl, go. And hey, thanks.
Have We Forgotten Already?
Yep, you heard me right, that's what I said.
i think we have. Not what the attacks looked like, hell I don't think there's a man woman, or child among us who doesn't have the vivid pictures of an orange fireball exploding out of the side of a skyscraper permanently etched in our minds. I mean we've forgotten something more important, that this whole thing is a classic case of the good guys versus the bad guys, and we're the ones wearing the white hats.
Think I'm wrong, think again.
Don't misunderstand me, I think as a nation we've held together pretty fucking well. My hat is most certainly off to all the police, firefighters, EMT's, doctors, nurses, soldiers, volunteers, state workers, and everyone else who's contributed something over the past 365 days. But I also think that things are starting to unravel, that we've taken our eye off the fucking ball here. And what's even more disturbing is that example at Berkeley is not an isolated incident.
Now I don't want to get off on a rant here (thanks Dennis), but there's a few things I feel the need to piss and moan about. Some people need a friendly elbow in the ribs to remind them of how all this shit came to be.
We'll start with this fucking balloonhead. Remember after the attacks people were screaming for airline security? How everyone said they'd gladly stand in line for 2 hours to go through a security check if it meant a safer plane? So can anyone tell me how the hell this two-bit judge has the audacity to suddenly tell a fucking sky marshal how to do his job? So the guy held a gun on the cabin...good for him! He's doing his fucking job. That's what we cried for him to do. That's what we pay him for. So let the people do what they're trained for.
Flags. Sure, after the Sept 11th attacks one year ago today, every swinging dick with a credit card was driving around with an American Flag tied to their car antenna and another hanging from their third floor balcony. And that was great, it really was. But a month later how many of them really took care of those flags? Next to none. On the way home from work today count how many old, faded, torn American flags you see. Go ahead, I double dog dare you. As much as I hate to say it, I think you'll be unpleasantly surprised.
Osama. Nothing would make me happier then to flip on CNN and see video of a Special Forces soldier dragging him through the rubble by a fistful of beard. But unfortunately, that's never going to happen folks. Never. We're never going to capture him, and I'll tell you why. Because the bad guys know he's too valuable, and he does too... if a situation ever came to be where he was surrounded, I'm sure he'd sooner eat a grenade then face capture. Which, hey is fine by me. And while I'm speaking about this asshole, wanna know where he is? I'll tell you -- Pakistan. "Well Ernie, why do you say that?" Easy. Remember we had him on the run up in Tora Bora, right on the Pakistani border? And remember that mysterious border skirmish that started between Pakistan and Indian immediately after. The border skirmish which the Pakistani defense minister said was so important that most of the troops that were bordering Afghanistan and preventing the Al Queda from escaping, had to be redeployed over to Kashmir to defend against the Indian invasion? And remember how the world thought it was so horrible and that these two nuclear knuckleheads they were on the brink of a war? And how about two weeks later, the situation quietly dissolved itself? Yeah, you think that happened by accident? Factions high up in the Pakistani food chain, who are sympathetic to the terrorists and their cause, spun that border bullshit out of thin air to give the Osama and the Al Queda an escape hatch. Now Pakistan is saying no U.S. troops are needed to search Pakistani territory because "they can handle it." Right. Besides, if he already is dead, I'm sure he's buried in an umarked grave somewhere in Asshole, Afghanistan so that we'll never have the satisfaction of saying we found him. Either way, no CNN for me.
And what about this asshole who wrote the "let's have mercy in the Afghan people" story right after the attacks last year. HEY TAMIM, GUESS WHAT? Our troops (and those of our allies, thank you) had the belly to do what needed to be done, and did it. Now the Afghanistan people are rebuilding their shattered country. So let me ask you Tamim, when are you going to put your money where your mouth is and move your happy ass over there and help out? No you won't, you'll sit on your fat ass in your apartment in San Francisco and cry because your stocks are down, you fucking hypocrite.
You want real patriots people? I'll give you real patriots.
Drew Motherfucking Carey, himself a former Marine, is a true patriot. These guys are true fucking patriots -- in front of an tankbustin' a-10 warthog -- next to an f-14 aboard a us navy carrier -- beneath a famous us navy destroyer under repairs in drydock.
Rhett Palmer is a true fucking patriot. After losing his brother Scott in the World Trade Center attack, Rhett, dusted off his song High Price For Freedom and went on the road singing at military installations for everyone from puke E-1's all the way up to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
And another fucking thing... to all you boneheads out there who think to yourself (it hurts to much to think about when you say this aloud), but "why are we getting so bent out of shape, there hasn't been any attacks since last year." That's just stupid. Do you honestly believe that if those protecting us hadn't done so, there wouldn't have been any follow up bombings? No, it's the policeman checking for bombs under cars at state fairs, it's the intelligence worker translating an eavesdropped cellphone conversation, it's the soldier poking his head into one of many caves he's tasked with clearing, that you have to thank for being terror-free. For not getting a glassful of cyanide laced water when you turn on your kitchen faucet. For not getting sprayed with poisons by a cropduster while you're at a college football game. And for feeling safe even though you've got an office on the 90th floor of your building. So make sure you give these people the credit they deserve.
Here we are, exactly one year later after sitting huddled around our televisions and radios, crying our eyes out. Will there be another terrorist attack today? I don't know. If I were a bettin man, I'd wager yes there will be, because these piece of shit terrorists think they can break our spirit. Well I'm here to tell ya that just so long as you and I stick together my friend, that shit ain't gonna happenin. So if anyone out there sees the fixins for a terrorist attack start to come together, don't run away but instead, gather up your balls and remember this simple rule -- Two In The Turban.
God bless America, my friends, God bless America. And woe to her enemies, because I got yer fucking mercy right here.
Fightin Against The Man
Anyone who knows me knows I'm prone to losing my wallet. I'm not stupid or anything, it just fucking happens. But anyway, as a veteran of such things, I figured it'd be wise for me to have a little contingency plan for my next walking wallet, to include having a copy of my drivers license.
Also noteworthy to mention that here in Massachusetts, the drivers license was changed about 2 years ago and so some things are displayed a little differently, to include the option for organ donation. Before, you just had a little sticker that you put on, now it's imprinted directly on the license itself. So I order my dupe license and sure enough, no "organ donor" specification, so here's the emails that follow between me and Mass RMV...
What the fuck is wrong with our state government here -- will we be charged to fucking give blood soon? My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I read that. Christ and people wonder why I just immerse myself in porn most of the time. At least with that, you get what you pay for.
Make sure you vote in the Best Tits contest, we're going to extend the voting by two days because we got off to a late start, so it'll wrap up Sept 12th. (Well, actually only one day since there won't be any voting tomorrow for obvious reasons. Be sure to stop by tomorrow, you know it'll be good.
Don't just stand there stupid, start voting in the Best Tits Contest!
Lemme Get This Straight
Question: How to define globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess, with an Egyptian boyfriend, crashes in a French tunnel, in a German car, with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian, who was pissed on Scottish whiskey, chased by an Italian Paparazzi, riding Japanese motorcycles, and was treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
Oh, and this was sent to me by an Israeli, using Bill Gates' American technology which he stole from the Taiwanese, after a weekend I spent drinking with some Canadians. Ha.
Oh, I'm working on the tits voting scripts as we speak.
The Tree Has Been Replenished
Well, EHOWA's Tree of Life (i.e. supply of great boob pictures) has been replenished for yet another year. And it's a good thing, because I was beginning to get thirsty too.
It'll take a day or so for me to work with Steve from Tzogon to get all the voting scripts in order, a process which will be complicated by Labor Day festivities. But fear not, for you shall soon be able to make your voice heard as to which lovely pair of bubs you wish to represent us as spokesboobs for your favorite website. Be strong.
So keep your pants on, voting will begin as soon as humanly possible.
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