E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
The Competition is Fierce
Alrighty then. So far I've received numerous emails like this one noting the great quality of ladies that entered in this year's Best Tits contest, and even I'll admit the field is too close to call. So many wonderful boobies to choose from! So little time! It's enough to give a red blooded man a nervous breakdown.
Remember we're accepting Best Tits entries for two more days, so if you want in on the race, better flash that rack quick! Remember, we don't want any photoshopped entries though.
On a side note, am I the only person who honestly and truly hopes these greedy baseball assholes go on strike, and never come back? Fuck, umpteen millions of dollars just to hit a little ball with a little stick? Please, there's thousands of people working their fingers to the bone for a fucking fraction of what these players pay in fucking taxes.
If you truly watch baseball for the love of the game, fuck buy some popcorn and go watch a little league game, they still play for the real reason -- just for fun. Because there's absolutely nothing to be learned or enjoyed by watching a bunch of overpaid greed fucks whine like little bitches because they're not getting their million dollar incentives. Me? Fuck em, I'd rather watch football. Go Raiders. Go Drew. I've got better things to do with my time.
Right There Baby
Well, I'm back, and I must say it was a pretty shitty time. But on he upside, my dog didn't bite anyone or try to eat any other dog, so that's a plus. All good things in time, I suppose.
Hmmmm, ever wonder where the word "shit" comes from?
The word shit entered modern English language derived from the Old English nouns scite and the Middle Low German schite, both meaning "dung," and the Old English noun scitte, meaning "diarrhea." Our most treasured cuss word has been with us a long time, showing up in written works both as a noun and as a verb as far back as the 14th century.
Anyway, remember there's only a few days left to get your entries in for the Best Tits contest. And to all the chicks who keep asking when the "Biggest Dick" contest is, hey, this is my house! You go start your own House of Whoopass!
So please get your shit together while I go get shitty. Thanks.
Away Until Tuesday
Well kids I'm going to be out of the picket for a little while, have to make an unplanned trip back home to NY for some family stuff.
Q. How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A guy wrote in and sent me this picture and I was like "what the fuck for"? But then I opened up the next one he sent and it came clear to me... look what's written across the back trunk of his demolition derby car!
While I don't necessarily agree with what they said, someone hacked the website for Iran's Hizbollah, which I find really fucking funny.
Sure, priests can assfuck little kids in a church until they're blue in the face. Afterwards, the kid gets a pat on the head and a fistful of lollipops, and the priest gets moved to another church with better looking altar boys.
But someone else does it as part of a gag and they get arrested, and my boys get fucking fired!
Go Catholicism! Go Hipocricy! Yeah!
I went through Boston Market drive thru last night, and the kid running the register told me my car, "was pretty pimp." That's good, right? I mean it's not all gold trim or anything, but it looks nice. not to mention like someone pointed out to me, to hell with Billy Bob for $25,000 -- for a mere $125 I can have P-Diddy tell me about J-Lo's phat ass while he waxes my car. Heh.
So we've got a total of 21 contestants in thie year's Best Tits so far, and I've thumbnailed every photo they've sent in... still not full sized yet, but there's something to be said for leaving a little for the imagination, eh? Don't worry, I'll show full size once voting starts.
Know When To Say, Hey Honey I'll Buy You A Drink
Some difficult words to say when you are drunk...
Some absolutely impossible words to say when you are drunk.
Thanks, but I don't want sex.
Special thanks to all the Farkers who nearly killed my server on their boobie hunt last Friday. And a special thanks to the donor (who wishes to remain anonymous) who coughed up more dough in breast donations, plus an additional $100 prize for Most Patriotic Boobs category!
I don't suppose anyone wants to give me about $25 grand so I can hire Billy Bob Thorton to come clean my toilets and tell me how wonderful Angelina's knockers were? No? How about $5k for Vanilla ice, then? Yes?
And please, when the hell am I gonna find out if Samurai Jack kick's Aku's ass, man? The suspense is gonna drive me to drink, or even worse. I mean I can watch some substitutes in the meantime, but c'mon Jack.
It's Here! It's Here!
Man with this forums thing kicking off yesterday, I've been busier than a bar of soap in San Quentin. but it's okay because I'm a dedicated motherfucker and I'm plased to announce an event that's more anticipated than Christmas morning, our annual Best Tits On The List Contest has started started today!
This year we've got $550 in gift certificates to Victorias Secret alone to give away, plus videos, "toys", maybe some cash. Plus for every entry we get, we're arranging for $8 to be donated to breast cancer research. So ladies do your part, and get those boobies photographed and sent in soon!
I hope we get a few chicks entering from Europe this year, they sure are friendly over there.
Your Soapbox Awaits, M'lord
When I first started EHOWA, or Bert and Ernie's Fuckin Funny List as it was called at the time, I was a cranky arrogant bastard who ruled things with an iron fist. I'm still a cranky arrogant bastard who rules things with an arrogant fist, but I guess now can see the usefulness of a forum in which the people I write to every morning people can discuss things amongst themselves. A place where you the web surfer could post your comments on an issue, feedback on what I regurgitate, and converse with each other.
Take for example Sept 11th -- I received no less than 3,000 emails from people who wished to vent their opinions to me -- and I was able to post what, maybe 25 of them to the list? So a forums section where people can voice their opinions publicaly on anything from "My Boss Is An Asshole" to "This Pledge Things Sucks" to "Let's Nuke France" or anything else you might want to bitch about.
Anyway, I have therefore reversed my decicion and thusly created the "EHOWA Discussion Forums" (see, clever name, huh?)
I elected to have them hosted "off server", so that those of you who are surfing from work and perhaps can't visit the main site because it's been blocked by your network police, can join in the fray.
There are two ways to get there...
1. If you're already at EHOWA, just use the link on the top menubar system (scroll up dummy).
2. If you're somewhere where perhaps you can't view the main site, poit that browser of yours to http://ehowa.xmbforums.com.
Be sure to register (link in top right corner) so you can post. I don't expect people to fill out the cutsey shit like your birthday, your mood, etc... that's just part of the default setup. But there is a place to list your homepage for those of you wishing to sneak in a plug or two for your own website, or your garage band, or something like that?
The selection of forums/threads is kind of threadbare right now (get it...thread-bare? HAHAHAHA) but I'm sure that won't remain true very long.
So if you feel entertained by the idea, get in, get registered, go nuts, and remember it'll get crowded fast so come one come all.
This Economy Thing Sucks
Alright, so this whole economic downturn thing is really starting to cramp my fucking style, and I can't say that I likes it one bit.
It was announced about three weeks ago that we at (my employer who shall remain nameless, thank you very much) would be going through our fourth round of layoffs within the past fifteen months. Yes, I said fourth. This time however, many people including myself were quite nervous. Nervous to the point where I had all my shit in my cube boxed up to save myself the time, kind of nervous. Nervous to the point where you really start looking at your budget and thinking about some hard "okay what can't I live without" decisions, kind of nervous.
It turned out to be all for naught though. I must have been a missionary who devoted his time to hideous lepers in a past life, because the Gods of Pink Slips smiled upon me once again. They continued to spare me from a fate of balancing a new found abundance of time between circling want ads with a little red pen and filing out forms for unemployment benefit. Others in my office -- good people I can assure you -- were not so lucky. They too are joining the thousands of Americans thrust out into the black, churning waters of The Sea Of Uncertainty, with only a severance check and a pat on the ass to remind them of time served.
And that fucking stinks, and I don't think I like it one bit. Dammit.
Of course on the upside, Maxim finally scored Lucy Liu.
True American Heroes
The USS Constitution (also known as "Old Ironsides") as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last 6 months of sustained operations. She carried no evaporators."
However, let it be noted that according to her log "On July 1798, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston. She left with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum. Her mission: To destroy and harass English shipping.
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving on 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured scuttled 12 English merchantmen salvaging only the rum. By 26 January her powder and shot was exhausted.
Unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799 with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.
Now I dunno know about you, but that's drinking a fuck of a lot of booze. Say, about as much you'd need to drink if you were to wreck your $110,000 Dodge Viper and troll it into a drainage ditch, for example.
And to all you assholes out there, and you know who you are, I fucking told you so.
see *this* is why I joined the air force and not the marines!
Let Justice Be Done
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a "pencil necked Nazi bastard." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So I called him "a horse shit." He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn I wasn't going to give up!
Besides, my car was parked around the corner. Ha!
Same Story Just Different Shoes
I know what some of you are concerned that if I changed the site colors, that means I'm going to change the it's content. The colors I've selected are more conservative, so perhaps that means my views will follow suit and I won't be as outspoken as before. These are all rational conclusions and perhaps if the show were on the other foot, I too would think the same thing.
So in an attempt to reassure my faithful visitors that no, things will remain business as usual around here, I can only ask you, "Man Is You Fuckin Crazy?"
I'm still going to post emails from people who write in revealing themselves as the assholes they are...
So please, have a little fucking faith, eh?
So Whatcha Think, Has The Time Come?
Now I'll be honest here folks, I'm just as nostalgic as the next guy, I'm not one to move towards change easily. But perhaps this color schemes of yellow on black with orange links is getting tired?
I mean for Christ's it's been that way for the past four years... perhaps its time to change my underwear?
Or perhaps I am the only person tho thinks the faded grey wording in the background has grown wearisome? And the menu bars along the top looking a touch too juvenile? Either way, this past weekend while I was home in between ass fuckings by my oncall pager, I was tinkering around with some colors and came up with what you see before you now.
I'm just kicking this idea around, the old code is saved and nothing is set in stone so don't get your fucking panties in a twist. I just figured I'd get a little feedback before investing a shitload of time and effort. Personally, I like the top menu bars much better, and while I'm not sure how "whoop assey" the blue is, I'll admit it's certainly growing on me. So give it a chance to sink in, and tell me, whatchu think?
And because enough people have mentioned it, I figure I should at least say something about it. The "ERNIE'S HOUSE OF WHOOPASS" at the top is just plain vanilla text. Yes, I plan on replacing that with a funky ass graphic if this is the way I decide to go. But for now, plain text is the placeholder. If you want to be a cool s.o.b. and try your hand at creating a banner I can use, go for it -- make it 600x55 pixels and send that motherfucker right here.
Ah The Good Ol Days
Well, a little past it actually. True enough, our shadows are getting longer, the days are getting shorter, and tans lines are fading. The zenith of summer seems to have passed us all by, but I'm sure that 2002 has many more warm sunny days in store for us.
And what would summer be without tits, eh?
Nothing, that's what. And so it is with great pleasure that I am announcing, the formal start date of this year's BEST TITS ON THE LIST CONTEST is AUGUST 15th! WOOO HOOOOO BABY!
Hell, I remember it was a scant five years ago when I first got flashed on Interstate 95 by a girl participating in Opie and Anthony's Whip Em Out Wednesday. Now I see my little tykes all growed up and doing well in New York, well, reflecting upon the past almost brings a tear to my eye. (Yeah I was the prick with "NOW SUCKS" in his window...haha)
Those guys were the inspiration for my Best Tits contest, and this year is our third annual shindig. Stay tuned for the official rules, faq, and all that jazzy stuff. I just wanted to get the word out there ASAP. And check out the Op & Ack newsgroups that I just stumbled across...
And if you post anything bad about them, I'll have this guy beat your ass.
tired of getting spam up the wazoo?
I am Intellligunt Damit
Arafat's ass is sure swinging in the wind, he's working on ranking up there with you know who.
The unconscious mind processes 11 million bits of information in every moment, while the conscious mind is limited to 16 bits per second (average). Yes, I said 16 bits, like your old i286 processor.
Now let’s put this into perspective the conscious mind processes 16 bits per a second (Avg), which translates into 16 alphabet characters per a second. “I can read this!” What you just read was 16 characters and took your conscious mind about 1 second to see it and process it. To further paint this picture the computer in which you are reading this email on is probably in the Gigahertz range processing billions of bits per a second -- at the same time your conscious brain is running at 11 MHz (Avg) and processing 10-70 bits per a second.
At any given moment you could be utilizing all five senses at the same time for which your conscious mind would be processing at about 77kb/second. The unconscious mind is responsible for about 90% of all actions and processing. Think about it, when you tell you self to pick up that cup of hot coffee, what you are really telling yourself is what you want the end result to be and not how to actually do it; your unconscious mind figures out all the math, what muscles to use and finally the actual process to achieve success. If we had to consciously process how to walk from point A to point B, we would be flat on our faces time after time after time!
Very similar to the B-2 Stealth Bomber that Puddy will soon be dancing in, which if you unplug the computer and it will fall from the sky like a brick, this awesome piece of aircraft can not fly on human talent alone (equating the computer as the Unconscious and human talent as the Conscious).
So now that we understand that our conscious mind is really compared to a 1990 14.4K modem and one step above a paper weight as it would be compared to today’s computers, computers are still nothing more than a calculator on steroids. You can call it a soul, intelligence, sentience, or anything else that gives you a warm and fucking fuzzy, but the bottom line is we all have the ability to reason and cognitively process information. More importantly our core fiber pushes us to ask “why”, in turn makes us humans a billion times more powerful than the most powerful computer to date. I I hope that this enlightens and brings understanding.
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