E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
The Stuff I've Been Hoarding
Now I don't know about you guys, but in addition to my being all charged up over this pledge thing, I've also not been posting all the pictures my subscribers have been sending in. So here in one big load, is half of what I've got saved up...
And second up to bat, proof that not all protests are bad. When these Canadian hippies get all bent out of shape accusing the G.A.P. of running a sweatshop, the clothes come off! Followed up with a quick self portrait of the photographer, of course...
Parents! Please raise your children with respect. Make sure to teach your children to chew their food thoroughly. You don't want them to grow up with any kind of eating or drinking disorders, then they'll have to eat soup the rest of their life.
I'm not sure. Is Anna ready to kick the fuck out of this girl, or kiss the fuck out of this girl?
Stop or I'll Sue
A special thanks to everyone who wrote in and said the "Under God part wasn't added until the 1950's". Yes I've visited cnn.com too. And yes it was one judge who made the difference -- the vote was 2-1 -- if one of those two judges had voted the opposite way, sanity would have prevailed.
The controversial line "under God" was added in 1954 and signed into law on June 14th by retired WWII General and then President Dwight D Eisenhower. Some of the more studious emails even know it was added under prodding from the Knights of Columbus and was intended as a kick in the balls to the Soviets, who were predominantly atheists at the time since the Iron Curtain was in full swing. But what most of them don't know is that actually Eisenhower's VP, who saw this modification to the Pledge of Allegiance as a breach of the separation between church and state, actually refused to be in the room when Eisenhower gave his signature. Who was the VP? Why Richard Nixon, of course! So Thanks very much for the Bazooka Joe history lesson, but I've got my own, thanks.
Anyway, should "...under God..." be removed? Of course it should. It's got no reason being there any more than "In God We Trust" on the quarters I slip into the little machines that show a porn movie for 30 seconds. But while it's impractical to change the trillion dollars or so in currency we've got dancing around in the laundry machines of the world, but certainly not so difficult with just spoken words such as the Pledge.
So how to change the pledge if we see faults?
Well... we could take a lesson from the old Schoolhouse Rock segments... remember "I'm just a Lonely Bill, sitting on Capitol Hill!" The bill frowning on the front steps and telling a kid how he needs to be passed in order to becomes a law? (Yeah, for those of you curious, that's how the whole "under God" thing got on there to begin with.) So this would be the right way, get some signature and media time, start a bill, get it passed through the House and Senate and boom -- the words are removed with the swish of the pen by the HMFIC of our Executive branch. Checks and balances working as it was designed. Use the same avenue to remove the words, as was used to put them on the pledge in the first place.
Or, we could be a typical litigatious asshole, unfit for human consumption byproduct of the society we live in, and when we see something that inconveniences us, stamp our feet and sue Congress to have the Pledge ruled as unconstitutional. Yeah...I know, I know, they're not saying the whole thing, just those two words are unconstitutional... but as it stands right now the Pledge contains those two controversial words and so therefore by definition, the whole shooting match is unconstitutional. Sorry, but that's the way it works.
This guy is a complete asshole who's exploiting his daughter for the pity value to further his beliefs. He says he's filing this lawsuit to "protest her from being forced to watch a government mandated ritual" -- c'mon. Do you really think a 7 year old came home, flopped down her copy of the Wall Street Journal and said, "I dunno Dad, this Pledge of allegiance sounds a little iffy to me, constitutionally speaking of course. " Please. Government mandated ritual? C'mon. Let me ask you this. What's wrong with her standing up, saying the pledge, and just being silent when the "under God" part comes up, and then continue with "...indivisible"? Nothing, it's just this guy being an asshole.
So now, while "shielding" her from this horrible ritual that surely will scar her for life like the thousands of atheists who did the same before her yet somehow against all odds were able to live completely normal lives, he's now exposing her to... being shunned at school because she's the girl with the wacko father, not being invited to birthday parties, seeing arguments when her parents show up at PTA meetings, hearing ugly words on the phone from prank callers, probably having religious freaks hold candlelight vigils on her front lawn, maybe getting the family car spray painted red white and blue, piles upon piles of hate mail I'm sure, getting flipped off by complete strangers in the supermarket parking lot, and the list probably goes on and on... Great job dad.
When if her dumb ass father could have simply avoided the whole thing, by just suggesting she can not recite the pledge if she chooses not to, or leave "that God part" out, or maybe even sneak in their own little secret by saying "Under Dog" instead, or, or hey here's a thought... fuck it just say it anyway becausein that context saying "...under God..." doesn't signify an endorsement of religion any more than me shouting "God Dammit" when I hit my thumb with a hammer.
So now America, instead of having one more child grow up to have perhaps a little more gleam of patriotism than the rest, and maybe have a nice grasp of how laws are made... no, no, we've got another potential litigant against a fast food corporation for selling hot coffee. Terrific.
You Gotta be Fucking Kidding Me
No seriously, any minute now it's going to come out how last month, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in California ruled that April Fools Day would officially be moved from April 1st to June 26th, and yesterday's BULLSHIT 2-1 ruling declaring the Pledge of Allegiance as unconstitutional was a just one big knee-slapper.
I mean it's the only rational fucking explanation for what's going on, right? I mean how else can you explain how one cranked out judge whose robe is obviously stretched a little too tight around his neck, undo 110 years of people swearing allegiance to their flag and their country?
In a word, it won't. Be serious people, this is not going to stand. The judges that made the decision? I'd be pretty comfortable that these judge's future career plans hold something to the effect of traffic court in the likes of Asshole, Arkansas. Bush has already declared the ruling, "ridiculous", The House already marched out on the steps of Capitol hill yesterday and recited the Pledge in front of the country, the Senate is promising it'll intervene and you know the folks in the Supreme Court are already dusting off their gavels for the overturning even as you ready this.
Don't believe me, here's some words from someone down in the trenches...
In his famous "Tree of Liberty" letter of 1787, Thomas Jefferson wrote, "...the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. It is it's natural manure."
I now, in this year of 2002 (Of our Lord!) write to you a letter that will follow these same steps into the pages of our history books. "... the tree of common sense must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of political correctness and stupid ass parents. It's even better manure than blood."
See this is a bullshit ruling, everyone knows it's a bullshit ruling (must have adobe), and everyone knows that as a bullshit ruling it's not going to stand. I don't think it's going to make the end of the week.
But that's not the point.
The point is this never should have made its way into the court system, where some pansy ass judge can tiptoe around his responsibilities and use the convenient existence of the word "God" as an escape hatch to avoid doing what's right instead of what's politically correct. The right thing to do, for you liberal fucks too stupid to get it, would be to tell people to quit whining like a bunch of high heeled pussies because we've got more important things to address right now as a nation.
Everyone's up in arms over this, but I want to ask this question -- who's the stupid motherfucker who even challenged it as unconstitutional to begin with? Who? I'll tell you.
The case had been filed against the United States, Congress, California, two school districts and its officials by Michael Newdow, an atheist whose daughter attends public school in Elk Grove, California, just outside Sacramento. His daughter wasn't required to say the pledge, so instead of just telling his daughter to sit quietly while others around her say the Pledge -- much like some students did even when I graduated high school over ten years ago -- this fuckhead is going to piss in the pool for the rest of us because he's got some axe to grind.
"Ooooh! it has the word 'God' in it." -- Well cry me a fucking river, Mike you candy ass.
I'm an atheist and I get pissed off when people try to push their religious bullshit on me and I gladly say the Pledge of Allegiance, "...one nation, under God..." and all. I challenge you Mr. Michael "I probably just doomed my daughter to a daily life of persecution at school" Newdow, to give up your life savings...everything... your savings and checking accounts, your retirement, your mortgage, your credit cards, even the cash in your fucking pocket... after all money does read, 'In God We Trust" and surely you can't have that.
But you won't you hypocritical fuck.
Personally, I hope this guys neighbors burn his fucking house down, his boss fires him from his job, his wife dies of a heart attack while fucking the mailman the night before this daughter's wedding, and he spends the remainder of his years a broken shell of a man living out of a cardboard box in a fucking alley somewhere in downtown Los Angeles where local drug dealers force him at gunpoint to give blowjobs to their customers as part of an Drugdealer Extra Value Meal. And the last fucking thing he hears before the Grim Reaper comes to take his poisoned blackened soul, are the delicate voices of schoolchildren drifting down from a nearby window, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Cocksucker.
I pledge allegiance to the flag,
My grandparents said it, my parents said it, I've said it, and my children and their children will damn well say it too.
The Court Of Public Opinion
Now unless you've been hiding under a big fucking rock for the past six months, then you've heard of "The Osbournes" -- MTV's reality based show upon a day in the life of Ozzy Ozbourne's crazy household. We've all marveled at how drugs have ravaged Ozzy's body, laughed as he's tried to stumble after his cat, lusted after his housekeeper's ample bosom, and longed to slap the living piss out of his pain in the balls son Jack. At least I know I have.
We've also seen Ozzy really try to cash in on this seemingly endless cash cow... he even tried to get MTV to buy him a new fuckin house for the next season, which they (wisely in my opinion) refused.
Now while you and I sit back, our asscheeks dangling on the edges of our seats, mouth agape ready to make our best attempts to translate whatever the hell it is that bumbles its way out from between Ozzy's lips, more entrepreneurial minds have been up to other work. Idle hands do the devil's work, they say, right?
The fine folks over at T-Shirt Hell made themselves up a nice t-shirt to see if they too couldn't make a quick buck off Ozzy's newfound celebrity niche with this little gem which says, " Fuck my family, I'm moving in with the Osbournes!"
Ozzy and Co were so impressed with the idea, that they bought $500 worth of the new t-shirts for their own viewing pleasure. Needless to say, everyone at T-shirt Hell was very pleased with themselves. I mean how many people come up with an idea so cool that one of the most well known people in the world wants a piece of your action?
In fact, Ozzy and Co seemed to be so impressed with the idea, that they made up some t-shirts of their own and started selling em. Needless to say, everyone at T-Shirt Hell was pretty bent out of fucking shape. So bent out of shape in fact that they filed a fifteen million dollar lawsuit against Ozzy.
So I guess there are two sides of this coin, and I'm curious as to what other people think about what's going on. Did T-Shirt Hell have the right to make some dough off Ozzy's name? Did Ozzy have the right to cut in on someone else's business and take credit for their clever thinking?
These things and more you must decide for yourself, and if you've got an opinion on the matter, I present you with an artifact reminiscent of the days of E/N sites of days past... you know from 2001... a web poll.
JFK Is My Hero
"I like to hurt women when I make love to them...to see them bleed." - Mike Tyson
"I've been sucked by the biggest names in Hollywood." - James Dean
"I was too polite to ask." - Gore Vidal on whether his first sexual experience was with a man or a woman
"I need sex like I need food." - Barbara Streisand
"If I had as many love affairs as you give me credit for, I would be speaking to you from a jar at the Harvard Medical School." - Frank Sinatra
"The way to resolve a situation with a woman is to jump on her." - Lee Marvin
"I'm never done with a girl until I've had her three ways." - JFK
"He's hung like a horse." - Clara Bow commenting on Gary Cooper
"Nothing. She just has to lie there." - Richard Burton on what makes a woman good in bed
"When a woman comes, it's a sensual experience you cannot have when screwing a man." - Tennessee Williams
"I'd trade all my fame and fortune for just one erection." Groucho Marx in his later years.
"I can pay them to go away." Clark Gable, despite having no problem that plenty of women wanted to sleep with him, still went to prostitutes.
"A vacuum cleaner with nipples." - Otto Preminger describing Marilyn Monroe
c'mon and get leid --
its drewbytes --
buy a custom made computer
Single Black Female
Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
Hey I've Got An Idea
Let's say you live really far north up in Canada. And let's that like most everyone else up there, you own a snowmobile. A really fast one. And let's say that even though it's June you've still got a few ponds frozen over. Maybe even frozen over enough to support the weight of your snowmobile.
Then let's just say that you and one of your friends discovered a really cool thing to do. And that cool thing is to ride your snowmobile over a thawed section of that partially frozen pond. And let's say that you've figured out just how fast you have to be travelling in order to hyrdoplane across the water and not sink.
And let's say you're having such an awesome fucking time defying death and physics, that you forgot to keep an eye on how much gas you had left.
Hey it could happen to anybody.
C'mon Honey I Was Only Kidding
At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year, the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers. She then proceeded to read them out and left the numbers on the table. You can guess that he had picked the lot - including the supplementary!
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, breathing rapidly, and looking totally blown away. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket, and checked the numbers again very carefully. Then he downed his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to hell, because I've just won a fucking shit-load of money, and I'm leaving!"
End of job. End of marriage. End of story.
Frog Legs Anyone?
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
Might I remind everyone that the best material the French have contributed to the canine gene pool is a fucking poodle. Not that I want to get off on an anti-France rant here -- as easy as that would be to do -- but there's a lot of people really fucking pissed off at the French right now. So there are others out there who think think we should pave the whole country over, too.
It's not often that I get two "boy France sucks" emails in one week, and it's not just because they're shitty soccer players either.
Well folks, this past weekend I had the opportunity to dine on the sweet taste of redemption, but just couldn't get myself to the fucking table to eat. I speak of course of the tale of Labor Day woe that happened nearly a year ago -- there was another party there with these folks and despite the most inviting phone call from Canadian Jay (who reported that Carolyn would be there, hubba hubba...) I couldn't get myself away from my motherfucker pager.
I speak now to any of you not in jobs where you're required to carry a pager and be on call... if your job ever attempts to give you one, fucking quit. Go open a pina colada stand on a beach in Mexico somewhere. Pay some little homeless Mexican kid $3 to collect you coconuts and pineapples and live the rest of your days worrying about nothing more than sunburn and tropical storms.
Hope They Don't Get Pinkeye
A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy thought about it. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused. So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need." The following day he booked her for chemotherapy.
Behold, for this week is apparently the week of disturbing feedback...
Why the fuck someone would put something so personal on the internet for every swinging dick and their grandmother to see, is truely beyond my comprehension. I mean that takes big balls. But they say every man has his price.
ps. -- I took Ike to the vet yesterday -- the guy's driving a fucking Mercedes-Benz E320 and charged me $55 for an office visit. Ya think that's a bad sign?
Today Is D-Day
Since 1942 British Intelligence had been gathering as much information as possible, looking for a suitable landing ground for the Liberating forces, one of the main priorities being, that the landing beaches had to be in range of fighter air cover from southern England. The shortest and most accessible point was the Pas de Calais, this would give the allies a very short supply line indeed. The Germans under the command of Field Marshall Von Rundstedt also came to this conclusion, and therefore concentrated on reinforcing the Atlantic wall defences in this area.
The Pas de Calais was such an obvious landing area, the Allies decided against it, and went for their other location:- Normandy. It was agreed that five landing beaches, covering a distance of 40 miles would be used. Five divisions would attack in the first wave, with four more divisions landing in the following 24 hours.
The Americans would land on the beaches which lay either side of the River Vire estuary, these were codenamed, "OMAHA" and "UTAH". The British and Canadians would land on the eastern beaches which stretched to the River Orne estuary. These would be codenamed, "SWORD" "JUNO" AND "GOLD".
Erwin Rommel, Monty's old adversary was given command of Army Group B in July 1943, taking over the defence of Belgium and northern France in December that year. Rommel was of the opinion that the likely invasion site would be at the Pas de Calais and he personally supervised the construction of the Atlantic Wall.
He knew that whenever and wherever the invasion force landed, it had to be defeated on the landing beaches, that was imperative. He had obstacles constructed on the beaches the full length of the Normandy coast, these were designed to rip the bottom out of any landing craft, and many did.
The obstacles that were positioned on the landing beaches, were designed so that landing craft approaching at high tide would not see them. Some of them had mines attached, the result of hitting these was catastrophic and many men died never reaching the beach.
Rommel realized that an invasion of the beaches would also be accompanied with a massive airborne assault, he had areas of land flooded to hinder the progress of airborne troops, this was very successful for him, as many of the troops perished in these swamp areas, laden down with heavy equipment and ignorant of the trap.
ROMMEL KNEW THE FIRST TWENTY FOUR HOURS WERE VITAL FOR BOTH SIDES AS HE TOLD HIS MEN "IT WILL BE THE LONGEST DAY".
After years of meticulous planning and seemingly endless training, for the Allied Forces, it all came down to this: The boat ramp goes down, then jump, swim, run, and crawl to the cliffs. Many of the first young men (most not yet 20 years old) entered the surf carrying eighty pounds of equipment. They faced over 200 yards of beach before reaching the first natural feature offering any protection. Blanketed by small-arms fire and bracketed by artillery, they found themselves in hell.
When it was over, the Allied Forces had suffered nearly 10,000 casualties; more than 4,000 were dead. Yet somehow, due to planning and preparation, and due to the valor, fidelity, and sacrifice of the Allied Forces, Fortress Europe had been breached.
Impress Your Friends
1. Place two fingers inside your mouth on top of your tongue.
2. Slide them as far back as they will go (within reason).
3. You should be able to feel the tastebuds of your tongue. Massage those tastebuds lightly.
4. Now, slide your fingers out and sniff your fingers and you will be pleasantly surprised.
Works best if you haven't brushed your teeth in awhile.
The Monkey Has Left The Building
Anyhow I got hooked on this A Guy And His Monkey comic strip and it was pretty good. But it seems the artist has changed his format and is no longer producing a daily strip -- which unfortunately leaves us with the same retreads we've all seen before. I was hoping to find an equally entertaining strip from somewhere else but unfortunately, I haven’t the time to go searching for one.
Don’t get me wrong -- I’m not giving up on Jayme and his monkey pal, he is now producing a delightful animated strip, but unfortunately it won't be out on a daily basis.
Any suggestions how to vent?
We Be Fucked Up
Excerpted from the book, "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II" by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980. "Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the English Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden
Alright, so like here's two emails that I received very recently... you tell me which one has done more drugs? I've left each one intact as it was received...
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