E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Yeah I know it takes all kinds, right?
I mean I can accept most people... those that dress up as a bong, or those who dress up like a big pussy. Really, I can take em. But some people I just wanna take behind the barn and put out of their misery.
Wag That Dog
Does my memory fail me, or was it the towelheads taking out the WTC that knocked the Gary Condit/Chandra Levy off the front page? If so, isn't it quite the coincidence that the very week they declare the cleanup at the WTC site finished, her body is finally fished out of the same park that was searched last year?
The Things They Carried
Let us honor our veterans by remembering the things they've carried.
They carried P-38 can openers and heat tabs, watches and dog tags, insect repellent, gum, cigarettes, Zippo lighters, salt tablets, compress bandages, ponchos, Kool-Aid, two or three canteens of water, iodine tablets, sterno, LRRP-rations, and C-rations stuffed in socks. They carried standard fatigues, jungle boots, bush hats, flak jackets, and steel pots. They carried the M-16 assault rifle. They carried trip flares and Claymore mines, M-60 machine guns, the M-70 grenade launcher, M-14's, CR-15s, Stoners, Swedish K's, 66 mm Laws, shotguns, 45 caliber pistols, silencers, the sound of bullets, rockets, and choppers, and sometimes the sound of silence. They carried C-4 plastic explosives, an assortment of hand grenades, PRC-25 radios, knives and machetes.
Some carried napalm, CBU's, and large bombs; some risked their lives to rescue others. Some escaped the fear, but dealt with the death and damages. Some made very hard decisions, and some just tried to survive.
They carried malaria, dysentery, ringworm's, and leaches. They carried the land itself as it hardened on their boots. They carried stationery, pencils, and pictures of their loved ones real and imagined. They carried love for people in the real world, and love for one another. And sometimes they disguised that love: "Don't mean nothin'!"
They carried memories!
For the most part, they carried themselves with poise and a kind of dignity. Now and then, there were times when panic set in, and people squealed, or wanted to, but couldn't; when they twitched and made moaning sounds and covered their heads and said, "Dear God," and hugged the earth and fired their weapons blindly, and cringed and begged for the noise to stop, and went wild and made stupid promises to themselves and God and their parents, hoping not to die.
They carried the traditions of the United States military, and memories and images of those who served before them. They carried grief, terror, longing, and their reputations.
They carried the soldier's greatest fear, the embarrassment of dishonor. They crawled into tunnels, walked point, and advanced or flew into fire, so as not to die of embarrassment.
They were afraid of dying, but too afraid to show it. They carried the emotional baggage of men and women who might die at any moment. They carried the weight of the world, and the weight of every free citizen of America.
THEY CARRIED EACH OTHER.
Let us remember them this Memorial Day, May 28, 2002
Happy Memorial Day Weekend
Alright folks, I'm heading out to New York to spend Memorial Day weekend with my dad and the rest of my family.
Please take a minute this holiday to have a thought for those who lost, are losing, and will lose their lives> so that you can have something a little more important than an extra day off work and share some hot dogs around the picnic table. Especially at times like these, where we've got terrorists threatening us on one of our sacred days.
Fuck em, here's how the Israeli's deal with terrorists ...and I quote...
Yep, you's a dead motherfucker now.
He Is So Screwed
This is a video taken in 6000 feet of water. An undersea robot is sawing a 3 mm wide slit -- that's 1/10th of an inch...remember that width -- in a pipeline. The pressure inside the pipeline is 0 PSI while the pressure outside is 2700 PSI, or 1.3 tons per square inch.
And then an innocent little crab walks on by...
Newsflash! Finally, an end to those fucking Nigerian emailers!
This Is A Stickup
She only picks men bank tellers. She then produces a gun indicating it is a holdup. After the teller hands over the money she unbuttons her blouse exposing her breasts, then departs leaving a stunned teller.
Police questioning her latest victim were dismayed to find that the teller could not even vaguely remember his assailants face enough to give any kind of accurate description. However he was quoted as saying, "I can't remember her face but I will remember those breasts till my dying day. They were absolutely magnificent."
It seems that all of the witnesses interviewed from the total 16 robberies to date could give descriptions of her anatomy down to the most minute detail. All except for her face. It seems that at last report she is still at large.
In other news, here's proof I named my dog Ike after one cool cat.
Help Save Internet Radio
I writing to ask your support with the current RIAA situation. These fucks want to make underground radio stations pay per song, per listener basically causing them to go offair because no one can afford the estimated $1000/day fees that could potentially arise from this.
Sites like EHOWA which attract a lot of traffic can make a difference. If you feel like participating and posting this info...please do. Internet radio is freedom, and they want to take it away.
We need to stop this because WE could be next.
Read this from SOMA-fm, underground internet radio out of San Francisco:
For more info, check out this site... http://www.saveinternetradio.org
Studly SWM seeks SWF who appreciates good booze and good music. Apply within.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question, "How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES"?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One". The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll call her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?
She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?" After going through fifteen minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
"Easy," says the blonde, "let me show you."
Overcome By Events
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." ~Mark Twain
Well, I had a planned on posting my idea to both rid the world of some of its vermin and solve the mid-east crisis all at once, but things got kind of overcome by events here in the house of whoopass.
You see, I've been kicking around the idea of adopting a dog for like the past two fucking years now. Kept coming up with excuses... I like to sleep late on weekends, need to be able to crash at a friends house if I booze too much, that sort of thing.
Well, I got to browsing around petfinder.org last week, and wouldn't you know it I found a pooch that I really seemed to take a hankering to. So I emailed the people and asked if he was still available for adoption... you know, just out of curiosity. Yup, the little bastard was still around, but not for long. You see, this was this past Thursday I emailed em, and he was scheduled for the big needle the following day, on Friday!
So I decided I couldn't let that happen, and this weekend I drove down to the NY/NJ border and adopted the little bastard. He barked and growled at me nonstop for the first ten minutes, I kid you not. Then I took out the leash I came to lasso him with, and he went from spaz to calm inside of two seconds. He doesn't appear to be as aggressive as the shelter had first feared.
I did feel compelled to rename him... "Patton the Patterdale" just sounded a little too story book'ish for me. Kind of like naming your iguana, Iggy. So being that he's short, black, and likes to smack bitches up, I named him "Ike", as in "Ike Turner". And so aside for completely eating two tennis balls and tearing the shit out of a squeak toy, he's been a model dog so far, very well behanved and affectionate.
By The Numbers
Alright, I've got a shit load of party pictures to post before i go off on a fucking rant here, which I'll do tomorrow. So for now, puzzle your fat fucking head with this...
Q. While taking a bath one day a child decides to play with his two-foot long plastic boat and fill it with nuts and bolts to was play river barge captain (no dick jokes, please...). He accidentally tipps the boat over, dumping the contents of the barge into the water and the plastic boat turning perfectly upright again. Assuming the child's body position does not change at all, with the nuts and bolts lying at the bottom of the tub -- would the water level in the bathtub rise, fall or stay the same as it was when the nuts and bolts were in the boat?
A. Due to the weight and construction of the nuts and bolts, all being metal, in this case the water level will go down. Reason being a floating object displaces its weight, and a submerged object displaces its volume.
There, now you're smarter. Tomorrow, I'll reveal the solution to the world's ills. For now reward yourself with boobies.
Leave The Cell Phones Out Of The John
While driving back from New York, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall.
I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?"
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: 'Well, I'm going back east... "
Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back - every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!"
Good Girls And Bad Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Good girls wax their floors.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
Good girls say 'no'.
When Mark Shuttleworth (you know, the wealthy space tourist) returns from space, everybody dress in ape suits.
Sshh. Pass it on...
|May 2, 2002|
I used to be pretty damned good at math -- much better than I was at spelling, grammar, or getting along with others -- so let's see if I can't get the math right on this one, eh?
May 2nd, 2002 - May 2, 1972 = ummm.... [scribble] .... uggghhhh.... [scratch scratch]... looks like.... carry the four... okay here it is, 10,957 days.
So we take those 10,957 days and divide by the 365 days in our calender year....hmmm... [scribble] [scribble]...bring down the five..... oh boy...
Looks like that comes out to (oh shit)...that comes out to 30.02 years.
You know what this means. it's all on a downward slide from here! I've got to be really careful from now on. I've got to pay more attention to politics. And before you know it, my bowel control will be going and I'll be dumping everywhere. I'll be forced to getting chicks drunk before I bang em, and even then it'll only be the fat ones. I'll bet my eyesight will start to go soon, and I won't know what is what. Indeed, it's only a matter of time before I end up making a complete ass of myself, I'm sure.
But until then, I'll just enjoy as many wet tee shirt contests as I possibly can...
1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21
but all said and done, I'm pretty happy. Besides, life could be worse...I could be French!
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