E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Dear Dumb Asses

Once again there's a virus cruising around email and once again there continues to be stupid fucking people who click on the infected attachment, only to become a carrier themselves. Sigh, will people never learn? nor normally, I couldn'ty give a rat's tiddly fuck if someone other than me gets infected, only this time it's inconviencing me, so I feel the need to step in. Allow me to explain.

You see this virus -- the Klez worm and it's variants -- not only email itself out to everyone in your Microsoft Outlook address book, but also spoof the "from" email address as someone in your address book as well... making the orighinal sender very difficult to track down and thus clean up. I have -- and I shit you not -- received the virus in my "sponsor" inbox, and the from address being my "attachment" address. Very clever.

What can you, oh internet sheep user do to make my life a little bit easier? Well let's tyake a look, shall we?

(1) - Learn about the fucking virus here.

(2) - Download and install a fucking anti-virus such as McAfee -- it's fucking free for the first thirty days, so even you cheap fucks can get help.

west coast (california) -- mid west (ohio) -- east coast (new york)

(3) - Quit using Microsoft Outlook, which leaves itself open to every fucking virus out there and use a real email utility such as Eudora -- it's free too.

(4) - Don't be fooled by the virus itself. One variant actually describes itself as a cure for the Klez virus such as in the following text, and urges you to ignore any warning from your antvirus...

(5) - Before opening any fucking attachments that people send you, send em an email back asking them to confirm what they send. Whether they say it's a cure for a virus, or a cure for the common cold, or a cure for fucking cancer. Confirm the motherfucker.

seeasians.com -- ultravideos.com -- tittymax.com -- girlsgetcrazy.com -- cartoon69.com

Damned Dog

I have a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. I called my girlfriend to tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.' After dinner we went back to my secretary's apartment and had mad sex for hours.

On the drive home I noticed a huge hickey on my neck. I fell into a state of panic. What am I going to tell my girlfriend? I walked in the door and was greeted by my excited and happy dog. Inspired, I fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding my neck with one hand I walked into the living room and exclaimed,' Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!'

My girlfriend jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, 'That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!'

behold, a great big pussy!
looking for a home biz opportunity? free report!
for when youu're good and stoned.

Hey American hockey fans, quit being fuckheads!

Nisqually

Yeah that's right, I said "Nisqually". Just what the fuck is that, you might ask? I'll tell you, it's the coolest fucking game I've ever seen in my entire fucking life. It is more addictive than a chick giving me a hummer with the finger of one hand in my pooper and the other hand pushing the plunger on some grade-a heroin.

I encourage you to play it too.

And perhaps one day when I grow up to be big and strong, I can get past the seventh fucking level where you have to clear 64 of 64 tiles. Dammit.

Let's Play WOOPS

Computer users have asserted for years that they can party as hard and as long as any testosterone-filled football player. To prove it, we present the Web Outrageous On-line Party Surfing game (W.O.O.P.S. - pronounced "Whoops").

WOOPS is best experienced in a group setting (say, a rack of office cubicles at lunchtime), but you can also play at home alone or networked, of course. To play, choose your favorite drink, connect to your ISP, and start surfing the Web. Remember to be responsible, and hand over the mouse to your designated surfer when you've had too much to drink.

Drink once if:
- your modem has to redial when connecting to your ISP (if more than five times, stop drinking and cancel that fucking AOL account).
- you see a "Best Viewed With..." tag (twice if it's animated)
- you get any error message (bad URL, etc.)
- you see an under construction sign
- you view a page with a web counter (twice if it's a broken graphic)
- you come across a java applet (twice if it doesn't load)
- you see the phrase "cool links"
- a background sound loads (you also must dance with drink in hand)
- your browser crashes
- you have to resize the browser window
- a graphic doesn't load

Drink twice if:
- you hit a javascript error
- you arrive at a password-protected site (if you can guess the password in three tries, collect a dollar from everyone in the room and chug drink)
- you find a home page purportedly belonging to someone's pet.
- "cool" is spelled "kewl"
- you have to download a plug-in and restart your browser
- the graphics are broken on a web designer's home pages

Special:
- if you hit a shockwave project, you have to wait to drink until it's downloaded. (This is a good chance to walk to the store for more drinks.
- you must pound your drink and the drinks of the persons on each side of you if you see a link to the Icy Cold Stunnaz.

Can-a-deh?

Jesus Christ, has Bush really pissed off the Canucks over not quickly apologizing for the bombing accident that happened last week?

And rightly so, I suppose.

This wasn't just a friendly fire incident where we attacked our own forces...hell we bombed the soldiers of another country. And it's not like they're someone unimportant like the French. Christ, even my subscribers have massed the largest mobilization of Canadian forces since "Canadian Bacon."

Au Contraire on the me not mentioning something part...Thursday's posting to the mailing list at 7am (which is then subsequently put on the website under "joke of the day") opened up with the following pre-text...

And that was before most major news sources even had it on the front page.

As far as Bush not saying anything, well long story short, you're right. if I had to guess, I'd say he's keeping mum intil they figure out just what happened. i.e. was the pilot really fired upon and if so by whom, or is he just saying that to cover his ass after he fucked up. I wouldn't be suprised to see Bush make that formal apology once they figure out who screwed the pooch. But again, you are right... at the very least a formal acknowledgement and offer of condolences should have been immediate.

Stress Free Diet.

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day so that you don't pull your hair out. And being on a diet does not mean you can't still be manly too. Just don't go too far.

Breakfast
- 1/2 Grapefruit
- 1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
- 8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch
- 4 oz. Mid-Afternoon Snack
- Rest of the Oreos in the package
- 2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
- 1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
- Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner
- 2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
- Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
- 4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
- 3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

Heads up bitches, the USS Cole is back in town.

Cutting Your Own Firewood.

1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.

2. Never park downhill from the tree you are cutting down.

3. Remember: the fact you live within driving distance of a forest does not make you a lumberjack.

4. Cut first, drink later.

5. Just to be on the safe side - borrow your buddy's truck.

been caught! -- been caught! -- been caught! -- been caught! -- been caught!
been caught! -- been caught! -- been caught! -- been caught!

The Pimp Smack Cometh.

This was a letter forwarded to me by someone who served with on Embassy Duty in Cairo before they left the service. I stripped the E-mail addresses to protect the Marines from a potential PR faux pas, but I think it's something that should be shared....

Hello Everyone,

Just to let you know the Embassy in Bahrain was attacked yesterday at 4:00 p.m. The five Marine Security Guards and the two Regional Security Officers were the only ones protecting the Embassy. The Embassy was closed so luckily we only had to protect ourselves and the Embassy compound from destruction. The protest was a pro-Palestinian rally that started a few miles from the embassy and became fueled for violence as radical muslim groups took charge and lead the march on the embassy at 3:30 p.m. The march was between 2600 and 3000 protestors, we do not have an exact count because it just happened several hours ago.

The protestors were throwing rocks, sticks and fire bombs at the embassy. Between 20 and 30 protestors climbed the wall and started setting the cars, trucks and embassy on fire. When the protestors climbed the walls, the five Marines were authorized to use necessary force. We shot tear gas into the crowd of over 2600 people to try and turn them away from the compound and the continued destruction of our POV's and satellite communication equipment, which was outside the embassy but inside the compound wall. At 4:10 p.m. no firefighter's had arrived, so three Marines had to leave the embassy under covering fire of the Marines with gas on the third floor to go to the back of the compound to put out the fires themselves. We sustained minor injuries from the protestors attacking us with rocks and sticks as we chased them out of the compound and back over the walls using force, while the remaining Marine put out the fires to the best of his

After the fires were secured the Marines pulled back into the embassy and continued to force the protestors back onto the highway behind the embassy. The protests were mainly secured by 7:00 p.m. and the investigation was in full swing by this time as well. The Marines stayed at the embassy for security throughout the night and will continue to do so today. The host government was embarrassed that they could not control it's own people and that their riot control police were no match for the number of protestors. The King of Bahrain instructed the ministry of interior to fix the problem before dawn, so that minimal damage would be seen this morning.

When the Marines were told at 6:00 a.m. this morning we could leave to go get some sleep, we drove passed the outside of the embassy and were amazed. The graffiti had been painted over, the guard shacks that had been burned were replaced, the fire bomb burns on the wall had been painted over, the thousand's of rocks that had been thrown were swept away, and the barbed wire that surround the embassy the previous day was gone. Beside the total destruction of all government property inside the compound it looked to anyone passing by that nothing had really happened.

The host government representatives called the ambassador last night and told him they would replace everything that was destroyed and that cost was not an issue. The kingdom of Bahrain is so scared of pissing off the U.S. that it will do anything in it's power to preserve it's relationship with us even in the shadow of ignorance from it's own people. The entire fight was caught on video because we saw the Al Jazerra News Choppers over our heads. The video may or may not be released because it will be handled the same way the Daniel Pearl murder was, since the government will try and pressure what is released and given the fact that the news agency that filmed the riot yesterday is the same one that had the Daniel Pearl murder on tape.

This is the story of what took place on April 5th 2002 in Manama, Bahrain at 3:30 p.m. regardless of what you see or hear. Before I leave and go treat my scrapes and cuts and then go to bed for about 12 hours, I would like to say that the two RSO's and five Marines kept the embassy from burning to an embarrassing pile of united states image, and successfully held off and injured any one that intended to come take our pride from us.

Did I mention the riot was at least 2600 people, just wanted to make sure anyone out there who thought the Marines that guard the embassies were not bad ass boys with guns, does not have that in there heads anymore.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am off to bed because I am dead tired, but it was worth it because I had the time of my life yesterday, by far the most fun I have ever had. Oh and one more thing, the American flag is still flying as high and bright as it was before the riot, and the protestors' flags are lying on the ground covered in mud. Semper Fi.

Don't Try This At Home.

Interesting news item from Canada. This weekend at the Hershey Center, an Ice rink in Mississauga, there was a childrens hockey tournament with teams from all over North America. A young girl, probably 8-10 years old, was sang the Canadian and American national anthems. She was about half way thru the American National Anthem when she forgot the words, started to cry, and ran off the ice into the arms of her father. Her dad turned her around and sent her back onto the ice with some words of encouragement. She started singing again, but by the second verse you could tell she had once again forgot the words and was starting to cry and ready to run off the ice a second time. Suddenly, the entire crowd, sensing what was happening started singing along with her. Next thing you know

And on the flip side...some of you people send me pretty warped shit.

Ummm, yeah. Well, always end on an upbeat note I say, so I'll part with letting you know a friend of mine was filling out some documents and in the "religious affiliations" box entered "Church of England." This being America, he was asked "what's that?", to which he replied "It's like Catholicism, except without the sodomy."

Neil Roberts, Ass Whooper Extraordinaire.

So in case you've been living under a fucking rock for the past two months, you know the story about Neil Roberts, the Navy SEAL who fell out of a helicopter and was killed in Afghanistan during Operation Anaconda. What most people don't know, is that he laid down a pretty good round of bitch slaps before meeting his demise at the hands of Al Queda fighters. if you haven't read the story, it'll make you feel I emailed that story to my daily joke list a few weeks back and several people requested info on any memorial fund for Neil Roberts to see where they could donate money to. I in turn went to

Neil Roberts Memorial Fund Navy F.C.U. - Lynnhaven Branch 509 Viking Drive Virginia Beach, VA 23452 (757) 340-1700

or

Naval Special Warfare Foundation In Memory of Neil Roberts P.O. Box 5365 Virginia Beach, VA 23471 http://www.specialops.org

So there you have it folks. For those of you with income tax returns burning a hole in your pocket, this should those who suffered so much so you could go out and get drunk and then fiddle fuck around at work while reading this website. Make me proud.

Arafat's Not Such A Bad Guy.

Especially once you get to know him. So let's stop and take a close look at some old family photos of the Middle East's leading man, and see if we can't understand the person a little more, okay?

First we see a picture from Arafat as a young child, gently being bathed by his loving mother completely unaware that he would one day be a leader of peoples.

Arafat's charisma began to show itself while he was quite young and it was not uncommon for him to lead his family in a few renditions of "We Are Family."

Math and science always troubled the adolescent Arafat and despite having been captain of the Palestine High School chess club, he never did fit in with the popular crowd.

Contrary to popular belief, Arafat has excellent personal hygiene even though he has very sensitive skin.

Few people get to see Arafat's softer side more than his homosexual lover, Rocky Martin.

An avid fisherman, Arafat volunteers his time teaching young Palestinian boys to fish at the local YMMA (Young Muslim Men's Academy).

And finally, we can all rest assured Arafat's bloodline will continue and his legacy can be enjoyed for many generations to come.

There, I'm sure we all feel a little bit better about the man leading the Palestinian uprising, right? Thank you for your understanding.

Body Count.

A soldier of the Army's 10th Mountain Division carves the body count that his mortar team chalked up on a rock in eastern Afghanistan. Team members said they killed more than 40 al-Qaida and Taliban soldiers, hit 12 vehicles and destroyed an enemy mortar unit.

Drop Some Pounds Dear.

A recent European study showed that women who performed fellatio on their male companions to completion (and swallowing) gained an average of 48% less weight over a one year period than their counterparts who did not. Two hundred subjects ate the same foods and exercised in identical routines during a 12 month study conducted by Ingrid Fleischer, Professor of Science and Medicine at The University of Hamburg. Why the difference? Fleischer says it may have to do with an ingredient in ejaculate which targets calories in the digestive system. "In addition to sperm, the main components of semen are: water, simple sugars, alkaline substances, prostaglandin, vitamin C, zinc and some cholesterol. It's the special alkaline fou

As for the subjects who did not swallow with their partners, some were convinced that they should try it. An unnamed female stated that if she knew that she could have not gained the weight she did during the study, she would have "smoked his hog for three meals a day!".

Think I'm kidding? Why do you think Britney's got such a hot body?

Hope everyone had a nice Easter!

What I Did This Evening.

My mafia contact put a contract out on this Chinese guy named "Chunky" Lee Chong, because he was selling smack to my man's working girls and getting them all fucked up. Now a few previous attempts have been made on Chong's life, but his goon bodyguards from the Triads kept laying down the heat and buying Chong time to escape. So I decided to take a different approach.

Two blocks out from Chong's noodle stand, I carjacked a delivery truck and parked it with the engine running just outside the concrete barriers that protect the strip mall where Chong was holed up. As I approached, those Triad thugs opened fire on me and Chong high tailed it to his panel van and started hauling ass down Tremont Street. I found some cover from the Triad's gunfire and made it back to the delivery truck I had jacked earlier. The race was on.

I chased him for about four city blocks, smashing into him when I could sending him bouncing off a few utility poles, a fire hydrant, and mowing down about eight pedestrians. But it was down in the straight a way near the water front where the weight of my vehicle really came out, I clipped his rear bumper and sent him spinning into the side of a building where his battered little van flipped on its side. I kicked the emergency brake to spin my truck around to go back and make sure he was taken care of, and as luck would have it I slid sideways into a police cruiser that had been dispatched to deal with the commotion. My fucking truck flipped on it's side and the cruiser immediately burst into flames and cooked that poor bastard.

As I climbed out of the burning hulk of my vehicle, I could see Chong already on the run from his, with almost a half a block lead on me. The fucker was going to get away. But then some poor bastard in an old red station wagon came around the corner and slowed down to see if anyone needed help. So naturally I did what any other hired gun would do, I opened his car door and grabbed this good samaritan by his collar and threw him out onto the fucking concrete. His station wagon wasn't fast, but it was faster than Chong could run -- I caught up to him just outside a laundromat and ran him over twice in a pair of satisfying thumps. ahhhh, mission accomplished.

I was pretty beat at the end of the day, so I put my mind at ease by picking up some whore in the redlight district and fucking her brains out behind the entrance ramp to the freeway.

Let me tell you, Grand Theft Auto III kicks major ass!

Finally, A Diagnosis That Makes Perfect Sense.

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

what a way to be immortalized