E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Ford Tough My Ass
Here are some pictures from an accident that occurred on an open pit tarsand mine by Fort McMurray. The welding truck parked in front of the ore truck to perform some repairs. The operator of the ore truck was eating lunch in the cab during his break and didn't see the welder pull up on the blind side. At the end of the break, the operator started the truck and attempted to drive away.
The welder was not in the truck at the time.
What a Crock of Shit
People are like piranhas, they'll try to fucking capitalize on any situation where they smell a hint of blood. Reparations for decendents of slavery? Fucking c'mon. The poor bastards being sued now didn't have any more to do with the repercussions slavery than the greedy fucker who actually filed the lawsuit. Did these companies profit from slavery? Well no fucking shit... but here's a clue.. no matter how horrible and inhumane it was... it was legal at the time! For Christ's sake you're talking about something that happened two, three, four hundred years ago... I'd like to think that mankind has evolved a little bit since then, but I guess fucking not<
Fuck it, that's it I've had enough. HEY ENGLAND! Better get ready -- I'm going to file a class action lawsuit to get my fucking taxes back. I figure by now with interest and punitive damages and all that shit, you guys ought to owe me somewhere around 56 bazillion fucking dollars. Payable in new 50's and 100's please. Side note -- does anyone have an extra map cd for an Audi navigation system? I'm looking for Map #6 which covers New York State. If you do, email me please!
Fuck it, that's it I've had enough. HEY ENGLAND! Better get ready -- I'm going to file a class action lawsuit to get my fucking taxes back. I figure by now with interest and punitive damages and all that shit, you guys ought to owe me somewhere around 56 bazillion fucking dollars. Payable in new 50's and 100's please.
Side note -- does anyone have an extra map cd for an Audi navigation system? I'm looking for Map #6 which covers New York State. If you do, email me please!
Same Old Song And Dance
Had I not had to travel to Israel for work, I would most likely not know any more about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict then I did this time two years ago, which is pretty much saying I only know they really like fucking killing each other. But when your boss says you're going to Israel for a week, you sure can turn your attention to world affairs in a fucking hurry. Keep in mind all this violence started on the very day my first trip there ended back in September 2000. I mean we took off and things were great, and when we landed back in New Jersey all the headlines featured the riots breaking out. It was that fast.
Anyway I digress, the purpose of me writing this jazzy little article is to explain to those of you who don't know (or really give a fuck) what all this Middle East shit is about and where it's most likely going. And I’m going to do so without wasting too much time on the trivial details or political backspins.
To understand current events, let’s take a fast look into the past to see if we can’t see a cycle of events here.
So let us first turn back the hands of time, to when life first formed here on Earth. Deep in the muck and protoplasmic slime, we see two groups of single celled organisms. Those from Group-A begin throwing microscopic flecks of stardust at Group-B, who in return fire back with microscopic rubber bullets. Then a cell from Group-A absorbs a bit of methane gas, migrates over to Group-B and promptly explodes, killing not only himself but mortally wounding several Group-B cells in the process. The remaining Group-A cells rejoice, as Group-B cells plan a counterattack after some of their cells learn they can become airborne.
These puddles of muck and slime will, after continental shift, become the lands we know as Israel and the West Bank, and yes I suspect the violence has been going on that long.
Okay now let’s spin our clocks ahead to like the 0 A.D. timeframe. In thirty words or less, Jews were enslaved by various civilizations most of which were settled in the Middle East and whose roots can be traced as the ancestors of the many Arabic countries we know today.
(You read as: Arabs enslaved the Jews since the word "go").
This you-enslave-me-but-you’ll-never-win-our-hearts-and-minds relationship went on for a bazillion fucking generations until eventually the Jews fled their “Promised Land” and found new places to live where they weren't persecuted, and the Arabs absorbed the vacated areas.
Now spin the time dial forward to the late 1930's. The Jews have settled more or less all over Eastern Europe. Enter a short little man with a mustache and a big gas bill, and with the conclusion of WWII we also see the conclusion of some 6,000,000 more Jews. Well, at the end of WWII, the powers that be (the US along with Britain, the Soviet Union, and France -- hahaha just kidding about France) held the Jews up and said, "Holy shit you poor people, you've had the living shit kicked out of you for some few thousand years or so. Tell us where would like to live in complete sanctuary for the rest of your days?"
As I recall, they narrowed it down to some place in Africa (where is inconsequential now so if you know don't tell me I don't give a fuck) and some land in the Middle East, which we now know as Israel. Well it doesn't take Colombo to figure out where they chose, and the US more or less said to the Palestinians, "Hey nice place now get the fuck out." The Palestinians were pushed out, and the Jews returned to the land they held way back when people wrote on walls with rocks.
Presto-whiz-bango, the State of Israel was officially born. Queue bands, music, banners, food, etc, etc, etc.
Now the Israelis -- as they were now officially called -- said to themselves, "Okay we've been the party bitches for everyone pretty much since the beginning of recorded time, especially with this Holocaust thing, so we have to make sure this will never happen again." And so it was decreed that every Israeli citizen, both male and female, would spend time in the military so everyone knew how to defend their civilization. So they trained and trained and prepared and prepared, all to insure the persecution of their kind would never happen on such a monumental scale again.
Now spin the clock forward to 1967, and we find Israeli surrounded like they are today - pretty much by angry Arabs -- Syria to the North, Jordan to the East, and Egypt to the South. Israel is bordered by the Mediterranean Sea on the West for those of you geographically challenged. Well the president of Egypt at the time decided that he didn't want Israel to exist any more, so he picked up his Bat-phone and dialed all those Arab states surrounding Israel, and called upon them to wage one of their Holy Wars to, “rid the world of the Zionists pigs." (“Zionist” being a cool catch phrase for a Jew).
Israel, being prepared this time and determined not to be beaten like a rented mule, deciding they would be having none of this and popped the top on the “Extra Strength Can of Whoop Ass”. Thus commenced the "Six Day War".
Why’d they call it the Six Day War, you ask? Because that's how long it took Israel to beat the fucking snot out of all three of their attackers. Six fucking days. You think we whipped Iraq or Afghanistan's ass quick? Hell no. June 5th, 1967 Israel beat the fuck out of Egypt, the Jordanians on the 7th, and finally the Syrians on the 9th.
So by the time the 11th rolled around, the Israeli soldiers were back in streets of Tel Aviv doing the, "We Kicked Your Fucking Arab Ass Dance", having captured lands known as the West Bank (where the Palestinians are living), the Gaza Strip (from the Egyptians), and the Golan Heights (from the Syrians). Thus the establishment of the Israelis as people not to be fucked with and their, "If you ain't Jewish, you ain't shit," attitude.
It's important to note here that in the West Bank are Jerusalem, Bethlehem, and a snot load of other very religious places that hold high regard in both Judaism and Islam. And there’s no separation between them either, both Jewish and Islamic holy places all mixed in together to a “Berlin Wall” type solution just wouldn’t work.
These spankings kept things quiet save for a few skirmishes in the 1970's, until 1982 when Israel decided to lay the pimp-smack down on Lebanon. The key thing to remember here is one of the commanders in the Israeli forces at the time was a General Ariel Sharon (name ring a bell?), who not only orchestrated many of the attacks on the Lebanese army, but also is accused by many Arab nations of ordering the slaughter of a shit load of Lebanese civilians.
Now, whether or not this slaughter actually happened -- both sides claim opposite stories and I don't fucking know who to believe to be honest -- doesn't really make a fucking difference. The point is the Arabs believe he did and nobody, but nobody, is going to change their minds. In their eyes he's a butcher who kills women and children, period, end of discussion.
Again there were a few little skirmishes in the 1990’s, but again nothing too major and all is quiet for a while until the year 2000 (see a twenty’ish year cycle here?). The existing cease fire between the Arabs and the Israelis was threadbare after all this time, and it's now that the retired Ariel Sharon makes the dumbass decision to visit one of the Jew’s most religious places (good) but does so on one of the most holy days in the Islamic faith (bad). The Arabs go fucking nuts withthe return of "the butcher", riots start, bullets fly, and the rest we can get off CNN.
So for eighteen months now, it's been Arabs throw rocks, Israelis shoot bullets. Arabs shoot bullets, Israelis use tanks. Arabs make suicide bombs, Israelis launch planes. Then things cool down for a few days, maybe a week, and we start all over again with Arabs throwing rocks, Israelis shooting, and we're fucking back to square one.
In the past few weeks we've seen a few dashes of hope that this whole Middle East violence thing might be wrapping up. The Saudi peace plan looked most promising in my opinion, but even that's doomed to fail. Why? Well, the deal is Israel gives back the land they occupied back from the Six Day War -- a big bone of contention for many Arab countries -- and in return Israel will “officially be recognized” by those same Arab nations.
Riiiiiight. So that “recognition” will last about three to four weeks, and then one of the Arabic nations will snub their nose at either Israel or Ariel Sharon or both, and the rest will inevitably follow suit. Israel will then cry foul, the US will agree, and thus we’ll be secured for another twenty years in the eyes of Arab nations everywhere as, “the American capitalist dog, masters of the puppet Sharon and his Zionist regime.”
Then one of the militant Palestinian groups - not happy with getting their land back but will instead want to push the issue to a boiling point, will throw a rock at Israeli border guards. This will of course lead to the Israelis shooting back with rubber bullets (sound familiar?), which will lead to more rocks being thrown until an Israeli soldier gets seriously wounded, then the real bullets come in and, well, I guess I don’t have to tell you the rest. You already know it, now don’t you?
Look I’d love to hold your hand and sing “Kum’bi’yah” with the rest of your friends -- I’d like to see peace in the Middle East as much as anyone else, I’d get to travel again, gas prices would go down, and these people would be off my fucking news -- but the simple fact is it’s never, ever, ever, ever going to happen. Never. Ever. Period. The best anyone is ever going to do is orchestrate a ceasefire which will be doomed to fail before it even begins. The fires of hatred glow brighter here than in any other place on earth, and there’s no politician or peacemaker with gloves thick enough to handle it for more than a few seconds at a time.
Sad but true. On the upside though, lots of boobie pictures to be posted tomorrow.
No Your Other Left
It's one of those days when you're out flying Top Gun style one on one missions, to see who can "gun" who. Okay, head-on pass with your F-18, put the pipper on that Bozo's helmet for a beautiful video tape shot of your "guns, guns, guns" kill on this guy...And the result is: a midair collision with two F-18s and both return.
One comes in with part of a left wing and left verticle fin and rudder missing, while the other takes the approach end barrier missing everything forward of the cockpit pressure bulkhead - and is flying a convertable because the canopy is shattered too.
Uh, anybody seen an APG -63 radar, fire control computer, and numerous radio boxes laying around the country side? Oh, yeah, I'm missing a complete M61A1 20mm cannon and ammo drum too, but don't tell the boss. These guys are sooo lucky. Usually when this happens all you get is a quick fireball in the sky and MAYBE one guy getting out badly injured after ejection, with the other team being a "mort."
For sale, two F-18s, slightly used, as is condition, make offer.
A Mystery Solved (Or Why Netscape Sucks)
Just received this rather important email which may shed some light on why some people occasionally write in and say EHOWA looks all fucked up...
Thanks For The Kind Words
Yep, for those of you who wondered, my mom passed away the week before last, which is why I've been out of the pocket for awhile. I just wanted to take a moment to reflect and thank some very important people who gave me support during these difficult times.
Thank you weight watchers for helping to save on tattoo ink.
Thank you Anna for keeping me entertained with special workout video.
Thank you Dodge dealer for not letting me buy a Chevy.
Thank you Melissa for sending such a wonderful bouquet of flowers.
Thank you inventor of makeup so Britney can look hot in public.
Thank you to the big three.
Oh and by the way, if anyone send me any important mail on Monday it was most likely lost during the domain name mail SNAFU and you should resend.
Words For This Years Dictionary
Af·ghan·i·stan - af-GYAN-is-tan - noun.
Ar·a·bic - A-rah-bic - adj.
bin' lad·en - bin LAW-din
ji·had also je·had - GEE-hawd - noun
hi·jab - hi-JAB - noun.
IR·ATE - eye-RATE - noun.
Shi·ite - also Shi·'ite - SHEE-ite - noun.
Circle of Life, Eh?
I've had death in the family so no updates for awhile. Don't like it, fuck off.
I Think We're Alone Now
Somehow I feel vindicated. You know, about beating off to all those Tiffany mall videos when I was a randy young teenager. Hugh Heffner rocks.
GOPlAinTraFk - Go play in traffic.
UvGotAFAcLikASqEzdTBag - You've got a face like a squeezed tea-bag.
URAsMchUsAsMdGrdsOnATrtl - You are as much use as mud guards on a turtle.
IfUHdABrAnUdBDAjrus - If you had a brain you'd be dangerous.
IfUWnt2AMndREdrTherWldBNoChrge - If you went to a mind reader there would be no charge.
INoWenURLIinYaLpsMov - I know when you are lying, your lips move.
TLItsROnBtNo1isHOm - The lights are on, but no one is home.
TWhElsMvnBtTHmstrsDEd - The wheel's moving but the hamster's dead.
URAsUsfLAsAChocl8Tpot - You are as much use as a chocolate teapot.
UR1SndwchShrtOfAPiKnk - You are one sandwich short of a picnic.
(YaBrAnIsntAsBgAsYa(_,_) - A pity your brain isn't as big as your ass.
To add something further to the whole Camp X-Ray business, it needs to be said that those poor blindfolded, shackled, otherwise dominated Afghanies are the same pricks who stoned their wives for looking at another man, who set puppies on fire because they enjoy watching them scramble as they die, who beat their children within an inch of their lives for being too noisy, who were in ecstasy when they heard that 3,000 people were killed on September 11th. They don't even deserve the benefits they receive now including their fucking turbans, let alone to live.
A Doctor tells it Like It Is
This was written by a Dr. in Texas and is very good, please read.
I was just reading Yahoo news and the San Antonio Express newspaper. You know what upsets me? People with absolutely nothing to do with their lives, so they complain on how the U.S. is treating the prisoners or "Detainees" from Afghanistan.
Do you know why they are complaining? They see a picture on the news or the internet and they see someone who is shackled and blindfolded and walking with two armed guards behind razor wire. This picture tells them they are treated unfairly.
Here is what I see....
I see a thin, sickly looking person who under severe mental duress from being bombed, was cleaned up, given a haircut to prevent infestation of parasites, and given new clothes and shoes to wear. I see a person who is given three nutrious meals per day and a bed to sleep in in a tropicalclimate, not the cold desert floor of Afghanistan, eating worms, bugs, and goat. I see a person who will be able to get relief from their pains and illnesses without paying a dime for medical expenses. They will get rest, educated, and their mental stress levels will have dropped tremendously because they were taken out of a combat area and will not be shot at again.
I see these people blindfolded and shackled behind razor wire. I have the intellectual ability to understand why they are this way. For those that do not have this ability, let me explain it to you. They are blindfolded to protect OUR U.S. SOLDIERS from further harm. These people can not plan to destroy something if they can not see it. They are shackled because these same people have proven they will easily give up their lives to kill just ONE AMERICAN. We are protecting their life as well as our own. The razor wire is a mental deterrant, just like the little alarm company warning signs most of you out there have on your home, but don't have the actual alarm system. You would think many times over before actually trying to cross that razor wire.
For all of you people out there thinking how bad these poor detainees have it under such strict guard, you need to do a lot more thinking about other things in your life.
I was born on September 11th, 1966, and every birthday I have from now on will never be a happy one. Why, do you ask? Because as I am out somewhere trying to have a nice dinner, someone will have a candle or a ribbon or something, crying about the anniversary of a national tragedy. And then I will think, about how insignificant my one little birthday actually is compared to everything else that had happened on that one day.
It boggles my mind that there are actually people out there in this world, in leadership positions, head of companies that actually think that we are doing something wrong when it comes to protecting our nation and our people.
These same people will be the first ones to complain about something that happens to them when they are vacationing outside this country. They will ask why the U.S. does not do anything about their misfortune. These are the same people that complain about taxes and how bad their lives actually are.
I am not afraid or ashamed to speak my peace. I am an American, my father fought for this country, and was willing to die for it.
Dr. S. Tomaselli
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