E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Howdy Y'all I'm Back
Well, I'm back from a three day stint in none other than sunny San Antonio. It was a good trip filled with good eats, and with wine, women and song. Granted the women at XTC Cabaret were a little beaten up and bruised this time around... it was if they had all been put in a commercial dryer along with a few bowling balls and run on "permenant press" for a few hours. And all of them seemed to have pretty advanced cases of had VPHS, too. Plus right next to the table we sat at, some stupid asshole had barfed on the floor, which, "nobody had gotten the chance to clean up yet."
When the Indian Chief found his daughter sleeping with one of the tribe's braves, he was furious. "Because you slept with my daughter," he roared, "you must marry her. But first, you must pass test of courage to show you worthy." "I do anything," said the bold young buck. At the chief's instructions, the brave hacked a hole in the ice of the frozen lake. "Now," said the chief, "you swim the mile across lake and back. If succeed, you marry daughter." Without hesitation the young Indian jumped in; by nightfall he had not returned and was presumed dead. The young squaw was distraught, and to atone for his vengeful act the chief named the lake aft
As a side note, I finally translated my "how much I drank" email into html for everyone to enjoy.
Piss on The Great Leader
I don't know if you've ever come across this site but if you want to see a huge collection of horseshit visit www.korea-dpr.com -- it's the official site of North Korea.
After entering you are greeted by pictures of that pussy who was put in power by the Soviets in the 1940's and his bitch of a son who rules their country now. Two guys that would have been skull-fucked by the Japanese if it wasn't for us dropping two big containers of nuclear boom-boom juice on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
In it you'll see several pictures of their broke, starving piece of shit country along with several bits of anti-American propaganda like these, which can be found in the (Ohhhhh! Very imtimidating..) Gallery of Heroes...
"With just 4 cannons against 50000 US troops and 1000 fighters delayed 3 days the invasion. The company commanded by Ri Tae Hun destroyed 13 war ships."
"Jo Ku Sil, with his arms broken, used his mouth to operate the machine gun against his enemies."
Since we've already desecrated Afghanistan, and we are jarring with these fuckfaces these days, I noticed a North Korean flag for sale at a modestly priced 6.00 on eBay. Maybe we need to piss and shit on that one too?
In response to this article, Pete can collectively only really ask...
Did anybody stop to consider the fact that blowjobs also cease immediately after the "ceremony", and there might be some causal relationship here? It's not that these younger guys are trying hard to impress their girlfriends, it's that their girlfriends are trying hard to please them by giving the guys what they like, and the guys, in turn, are showing their heartfelt appreciation.
I know if married men were still getting blowjobs now and then, springing for a $200 bouquet on Valentine's Day would be de rigeur - just like it was when we were single and oral sex was great. You think "Life is good. I could get used to this. I think I'll sign up for the lifetime plan....". Then, a ring, a few "I do's", a mouthful of wedding cake and *poof*, the blowjobs stop! When successive years of great flowers fail to bring back the hoped for joy of oral sex with the wife, the floral arrangements whithered away - just like their neglected peckers and we're left to the doghouse. After a 10 year dry spell with nothing but toys to keep her company, she's lucky to get a wilted carnation and a 98-cent car
So, you married women out there who lament the lack of proper floral treatment - try surprising your hubby with a little oral treatment and see if FTD doesn't start wearing the blacktop off your driveway.
Oh, and FTD - you could help us out here with a little creative advertising. Married men will make a deal: You get her to blow on us a couple times a week, and we'll blow a couple hundred bucks a month with you!
The Wonder Of it All
Atoms are so minute, that in order to count the number of atoms in one single drop of water, it would take the entire population of planet earth [approximately 6 billion people] counting continuously for 10,000 years.
But what's 10,000 years compared to the age of our universe? If the fifteen-billon-year lifetime of the universe was compressed into one year, dinosaurs would emerge on christmas eve; flowers would arise on December 28th; and men and women would originate at 1030 pm on new years's eve. All of recorded history would take place in the last ten seconds of December 31.
God Fucking DAMMIT
So close, and yet so far away!
Ask And Ye Shall Receive
At 02:06 PM 2/17/2002 -0800, "dennis hedrick" [email@example.com] wrote:
good lord is anyone there? shit man try updateing your web site some time . fuck you stuck in rehab or did you join th alqueda you fucking looser you have the worst site ive ever seen ! you putrid pile of shit i used to check out your site every once in a wile but it sucks so bad i took it out of my favorites list either up date it or take it down you pice of shit
Well, there you go Dennis, enjoy the update.
How to Explain Enron to Your Children
Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.
Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income, after killing a lot of stinking terrorists.
Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Yep, It's That Time
When even the dumbest, smelliest, poorest excuse for a man is going to come busting through the door, a box of stale chocolates or maybe a teddy bear in one hand, and a fistful of flowers he stole from the neighbor's garden in the other. Either way he's expecting to give you a big thrill and a big smooch. And they say romance is dead, ha!
As the clock ticks over from 8:01PM on Wednesday, February 20th, 2002, time will (for sixty seconds only) read in perfect symmetry. To be more precise: 20:02, 20/02, 2002. It is an event which has only ever happened once before, and is something which will never be repeated. The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long before the days of the digital watch (or the 24-hour clock): 10:01AM, on January 10, 1001. And because the clock only goes up to 23.59, it is something that will never happen again.
Some Of You Really Suck
And yet then again there were some of the top 2%'ers of you out there.
The rest of you suck and should be ashamed of yourselves.
Let Me Pick Your Brain
There are 5 houses in five different colors. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. These five owners drink a certain drink, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. Yet no owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same drink.
Now, given the following information...
My question is --- who owns the fish?
Bottles and Pears, Links and Porn
In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems, and viola! You can enjoy pear flavored vomit.
And if any of you are as enthusiastic as I am in watching some every day chicks get all kinds of crazy and naked in front of a webcam, you'll be delighted to know that someone finally had the brains to start a website featuring nothing but em... and it's appropriately titled Camwhores! Hi Dad!
Fat Tuesday Is Around The Corner
Yep, it's that time of the year where everyone gets hammered, guys throw beads, and chicks flash their guns. Luckily in the year 2002, you can watch it live, even when you're not there thanks to nola.com. Let's take a look, shall we?
BourboCAM overlooks the legendary Bourbon Street.
KaraokeCAM is set upinside a karaoke bar with a nice piano.
BeadCAM shows right where the bead tossers hand out their goods (ammunition to get chicks to flash.
FlashCAM is well, you know.
OysterCAM is set up overlooking some stool seating in an oyster bar.
QuarterCAM is a nice city-wide cam view of the French Quarter (no chance of boobies)
RiverCAM is another eye in the sky cam overlooking the river itself (again no hopes of hooters).
Remember, Mardi Gras is in Central Time zone, so you won't see many bare hooters at 9am, unless you want to visit another website for awhile!
Ernie, Please Help The Little Girl
At 12:47 PM 2/7/2002 -0800, [EHOWA SUBSCRIBER] wrote:
there is a little girl that was kidnapped from her home last Friday. www.daniellemissing.com -- I live in her neighborhood so you can imagine the pain this has caused. I was hoping with your influence and your readers, that we might be able to help.
Also, lets see if we can get some help making the "Amber Plan Alert" a national issue. We need a way to find kidnapped children before any else bad can happen to them.
Think We Got Him?
The other day I was working in an apartment rented by students and owned by a good customer. I had to pull the refrigerator out from the wall so I removed the stuff from on top, slid it out and....CRASH!!! *tinkle* ...I was like "What the fuck/OH-NO!" at the same time. My heart sunk imagining something expensive and irreplaceable was ruined and the rest of this job (and possibly many more) was on me. I went back there and saw an interesting looking pile of shards surrounded by a small puddle, and in the middle of it, the remains of what was probably a really nice looking, multicolored hand-blown...bong. Apparently it had been
2. Clean it up and leave them a note saying "I'm sorry I accidentally broke your smoke toy thing. Please contact me so I can reimburse you for your loss and condone both your use of illegal substances and violating the terms of your lease not to mention undermining the good relationship I have with Mr ______ by not telling him about this".
3. Do nothing. (They wouldn't know for sure whether it was me or one of the pussy cats that did it and besides no one would likely complain anyway (see #1)
I won't say which one I did but put it to you in the form of a moral/ethical question.
Hint: I haven't heard from either the owner nor any one of them yet
The Patriots sought their "Holy Grail",
Yes, the Super Bowl's only a game,
The Flamer's Bible
The Pats did it. See, somehow I feel vindicated now... you know, that at least if the Raiders lost they lost to the soon-to-be Superbowl Champions. But I still think Brady is a pussy.
Going to post some new flames soon.
Origin: Unknown (actually, I wrote the first one a few months ago, but I thought "origin: unknown" looks cool) Revision 1: Dec. 2, 1987 by Joe Talmadge
In the time I have been posting to net, I have encountered flame wars of epic proportions (Brahms Gang vs. Tim Maroney), and flame wars of a more modest nature(MIT vs. CIT). Flaming has evolved into a highly-stylized art form, complete with unwritten rules and guidelines. Here, I have attempted to document the Art of Flaming, in such a way as it will be interesting to old hands (flame masters) and novices (virgins) alike. Without a further ado, then, I present:
The twelve commandments of flaming
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't possibly be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."
6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.
7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or both.
10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."
The Golden Rule of Flaming...
My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.
Here endeth the scriptures.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's public relations.
Now go get her, tiger.
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