E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
They came from afar
Gotta give shouts out to EHOWA's top ten referrers for the month of January...
the smoking gun -- the biggest collection of cool government records you can find. Arrest reports, mug shots (including Kim Delaney's!), declassified FBi stuff, you name it.
fark! -- if you want the real news baby, this is it. It's like the News of the Weird for the 2000's only with a nice twist. You can comment on all the posts too.
stileproject -- porn, sickness, porn, and then some sick porn. Stile's known as the true underbelly of the internet and is famous for his Japscat collection.
absolutely sick -- more nasty stuff (do you see a pattern here?) Plus links to lots of other gore sites.
morty's world -- I know funny, and Morty's funny, and twisted. Lots of parody and commentary well worth the read.
brutal -- another news style site, but this one focuses on the darker stuff. it truely is brutal news.
flashmountain -- What started out as a collection of flashing pictures from Disney's "Splash Mountain" has grown into a life of its own!
slapass -- Not sure where Derek's going with slapass right now, he's on a little hiatus for school.
freakfarm -- Where else can you get advice from retards and enjoy the fucking news network all in one place?
This is for all you bleeding fucking hearts out there who think that we the big bad Americans are treating those poor neglected al Queda and Taliban people in Cuba in a very unfair and unhumane manner.
I don't care if you consider them prisoners of war, or detainees, or guests of the U.S. Military, or travellers from another fucking world -- keep in mind these are the mind fucked animal zealots who are not only responsible for supporting and training the motherfuckers who killed 3,000 people in the World Trade Center attacks, but have also killed a few of our troops when they went to clean house. These people don't deserve the rights that are being afforded to them.
Besides, dressing these shit sticks up in orange jumpsuits and shaving their heads like any other bitch locked up in our prison system is a far fucking cry from cruel and unusual punishment. You want cruel and unusual? Fine, ask our pals the Russians and they'll give you a crash course in prisoner-torture-101. They know how to do it and maybe we ought to take a few lessons from them for these terrosists to get some answers.
And if they don't talk... shoot em.
Slap My Ass And Call Me Charlie.
Well now, aren't I just the fucking asshole, eh? Here I was watching the game in the very same bar I was in last week, watching history repeat itself. Only this time, instead of the Raiders getting fucked on bad calls, it was the Pats. Only much to their credit -- and it does pain my black and silver heart to say this -- the Pats were able to overcome the shitty calls and still win the game, something my guys couldn't do.
I didn't think the Pats had a chance, but I guess my luck in football is about as sound as my luck in used cars.
And so I must admit, the better team is going to be in the Super Bowl... oh and I owe this asshole from work $20. But I have to tell you, even I started rooting for the Pats after Drew came off the bench. Fuck Brady.
Uhhhh, go Pats?
Boy, do I ever feel like shit. I mean for the last two days my body has been leaking out of every orafice I have. Mouth, nose, eyes, ass, you name it. Even had a few of those thought I was "gonna fart but it turned out to have more substance than that" experiences.
It's been rough. I ate this morning for the first time in two and a half days, and even then I wasn't really hungry. I don't even remember the last time I was this sick. I dunno what it was, but this bug has really whipped my ass black and blue, let me tell you. But at the same time I realize there are those that have it tougher than me right now.
Now see, if the Patriots had outplayed the Raiders during the entire game -- like even I'll admit they did in overtime -- then I'd have no problem saying, "Yep we have it our best shot, they won, good luck in the Bowl gents."
But the fact is, that overtime never should have happened...because... Brady fumbled the motherfucking football that's why. See how he brought his left hand up to pat the ball into? He wasn't passing, he was just trying to recock and regrip a cold wet football...but instead of doing so, he dropped the fucking thing. In football, that's what we call a "fumble". Say it with me kids, "fumble", "fumble", "fum-ble", "fum", "ble", "fumble". See wasn't that easy? For me and you yes, but for the referee Walt "Fuckstick" Coleman, it's a bit more challenging than one might think.
But all said and done, the Pats got the check in the W column, and ours was in the L column. But mark my words, given the Pats (a cold weather team) couldn't outplay the Raiders (a warm weather team) during a fucking snowstorm but instead had to win off shitty officiating, I think that shows they're not really going to go anywhere in the post season. Mark my words they're gonna get spanked next week. Pricks.
Raider fans... fucked again.
Okay first and foremost, a lot of people have been sending me a damned powerpoint slide show of what they believe to be a Taliban armored personnel carrier being blown up. Here's the real deal folks... that slide show is about 5 years old. Is it a Russian troop carrier? Yes it is -- only those are really Russian troops you're seeing blown around and guess who planted the land mine that blew em up? Those crazy fucking Muslims in Chechnya. So please, give it a rest, eh?
Side not, I don't feel well. Food poisoning me thinks. Chicken and shrimp. Lots of stinky gas. Actually did one that made my own eyes water and instead of fluffing the covers to enjoy my work (don't all guys do that) I actually bunched the covers up tight to contain things. OSHA showed up. House condemmed. Ugh.
He never knew what hit him. Personally, I'm rooting for the mice...
And finally, this one is for all you Mac people.
Ernie's House of...Porn?
Yep, received a good number of people telling me that I've been going soft lately, so I decided to dedicate an entire update to linking some of the better porn sites I've seen out there. This should shut some of you people up for awhile. Remember, being porn sites they do have a few popups, but aside from that there's some good stuff.
amateur pie -- So what do you think your ex-husband did with all those videos you two made having sex, eh? Sure as hell didn't set em on fire like he said he did...wink...wink....
titty max -- We all know I love boobies right? So here's a site dedicated to the best of the biggest....boobies, boobies, and of course, more boobies.
facial mag -- in the words of the immortal Ash, "Heya, what's that on your face?" [splork!]
anal valley -- Girlfriend complaining your mainhood ain't all that her ex-boyfriend's was? Good, then she won't mind if you put it in her poophole!
i teens -- Ah that bright young button with the low cut blouse who works at the local coffeeshop gets a little more personal here, if ya know what I mean.
porno ground -- Nothing fancy here, just a good old fashioned porn site.
see asians -- Anyone got hot pants for Lucy Liu since seeing Charlie's Angels? me too.
ultra videos -- Collection of porn videos you can download. I suggest this for fast connections only, you slow modem people will just get frustrated and claw your eyes out.
voyeur gals -- They be performin, we be watchin. 'Nuff said.
lesbo erotica -- C'mon, be honest, who hasn't daydreamed about watching two chicks come up with brown noses?
interracial joy -- Notice the wife has "gotten her tires rotated" about 6 times this year? There's a reason for it.
cartoon 69 -- I remember when I watched "Heavy Metal" for the first time when I was about 8, strange getting a woody at a cartoon.
girls get crazy -- Here's what happens when you mix chicks, booze, and large crowds.
all gangbang -- When your girlfriend said 'bring some friends over for a superbowl party', she wasn't thinking chips and dip.
do porn stars -- Porn stars. Meet em. Do em.
sport erotica -- Okay, so am I the only one who's a complete sucker for a chick ina sports bra?
cheer chix -- Gimme a P! Gimme a O! Gimme a R! Gimme a N! What's that spell? Porn, cheerleader style.
See Mom, *those* were porn sites...
That's right my faithful readers. The Intellectual Property attorney that sucessfully came to my aid over my past domain name disputes is looking for a new law firm. So, if anyone on this fine list works at or knows of any firm or company looking for a kick ass mid-level patent attorney it is time to contact the Ernster.
This man not only can tear into domain name squatters, he also knows how to litigation of patent, trademark, copyrights and other Intellectual property matters. My junk yard dog also writes killer patents in the computer and electrical arts as well as medical devices and other mechanical arts. He also writes the licenses and technology transfer agreements that goes with all that intellectual property stuff.
Also, the most surprising thing is this guy is not only a smart attorney, but he's pretty cool too -- my last trip down there he paid for *all* the strippers and *all* the booze! (VERY unusual for attorneys after all).
While he's currently in Hotlanta, he's willing to move if necessary.
So here's the deal. If you can set this guy up with an interview, email me the specifics and I'll get you two hooked up or if you are someone that is interested in hiring this guy I can forward you his resume. And remember, whoever hires my man not only gets a ass-kickin' attorney, but gets my House of Whoopass as a client!
Some pretty crazy shit going on around here right now, let me tell you. Now I can't personally guarantee that each and every scrap of it is completely true, but I know that a lot of it is. So despite how farfetched some things seem, you'll have to kind of trust my judgement on this, okay? Good, glad we agree.
A grand total of 5,219,445 unique people visited EHOWA within the 2001 calendar year. So from start to finish, so far this year we've averaged...
... 434,594 people per month ...
... 100,374 people per week ...
... 14,300 people per day ...
... 596 people per hour ...
... 10 people per minute ...
... one person visits every 6 seconds ...
So buy the time you read this post (28 seconds) about 4.6 different people have began to read with you. And the best part is, it's only going to get better from here!
Special shout out for the folks of Design on Demand for their recent generosity!
One of the people I had the privilege of conversing with during the Let's Bring Em Home thing, is a Marine Lieutenant Colonel who flew KC-130's -- the same type of plane that went down in Pakistan yesterday.
I fired him off an email asking if he had any additional info than what we were being fed off of CNN -- here's his reply...
The Pentagon identified the Marines as; Capt. Matthew W. Bancroft, 29, of Shasta, Calif.; Capt. Daniel G. McCollum 29, of Richland, S.C.; Gunnery Sgt. Stephen L. Bryson, 35, of Montgomery, Ala.; Staff Sgt. Scott N. Germosen, 37, of Queens, N.Y.; Sgt. Nathan P. Hays, 21, of Lincoln, Wash.; Lance Cpl. Bryan P. Bertrand, 23, of Coos Bay, Ore.; Sgt. Jeannette L. Winters, 25, of Du Page, Ill.
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."
After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control, quickly jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is different -- it is freezing, no fire, no lava, and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
Yeah I know, I haven't updated the site in over five days so some of you haven't been able to get your fix. I had someone come to visit and really wanted to focus my energies there an not be a weenie host on my computer for an hour every day. Understand that normally when I'm away for a bit I usually send up a post stating so and provide some links to some alternate entertainment, but that got overcome by events this time. And if you don't, well then that's too fucking bad.
Getting back on track, so it's the first week of January and we still don't have any fucking snow up here in Boston. Well, I mean we've got like two inches (no penis jokes, please), but that's it. Nothing like other parts of the country. What the fuck?
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.
I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.
Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!
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