E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Well, the beast is back up and running so I'm mobile again. Which is good news because it was pretty tough driving around in mom's pimped out Lumina, ya know what I mean?
Ohhhh, the hangover I've got. Ugh. Regular joke and But in the meantime, here are a few of the people who either talked smack about our Let's Bring Em Home project, or are just all around assholes...
I've got one more, but I'm saving that poor bastard for myself. What can I say, I'm selfish and like to hog things to myself. No you folks fo forth and feast on flesh and bone.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; plus, "a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country (it is) or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer pl
Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
You know, I'd love to have some really witty commentary here that would provide a great context in which to post a bunch of funny picture, but to be honest I'm too fucking tired. A bunch of people have written in and said how I should have gotten some major press from this ticket project thing, but to be honest I have been running ragged since day one of this thing... I don't think I could have fucking survived if it had received much more attention. Which, believe you me, is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination.
But, being as it is, that means that I'm just gonna bombard you with a bunch of pictures and a couple video links here, and you're going to have to kind of talk to yourself if you're seeking the witty banter aspect of it. Hey, them's the breaks.
It's cold as a bastard outside, and I'm suiting up to drive home to spend Christmas in the Stewart household (I know, me driving, ironic ain't it?). I will however be able to post some updates because I'll have dial up access so I won't be too out of touch.
And for those of you curious... the Marine I had flown in from Okinawa... the big secret there was with Kat and I both cashing in all of our frequent flier miles, we got him bumped up to first class both ways. We're talking flying like a macked out pimp at 35,000 feet! Power leather reclining seats, one flight attendant per four passengers, choice of full menu to choose from, legroom up the frickin wazzoo, and in the morning they ask you how you'd like your eggs. Oh and free booze!
And for those concerned, here's a ticket by ticket break down of how the donations were dished out. A a big shout of to Michael Green, who despite having been laid off from his job the very same day I announced this project last week, still stepped up and donating enough frequent flier miles to secure us two round trip tickets for the troops. Great job Mike!
Folks, before I tell you who's going where, I have to admit something to you. I have to admit that I honestly think that I've really enjoyed making all these things happen just as much, if not more, than all these folks are going to enjoy going home to see their families for the holiday. No shit. I mean this is the first Christmas in a long fucking time where I've felt I've *really* accomplished something.
Sure we all try to give the extra-large train set for a gift. We all give the gloves with extra fur-lining. But this ticket thing really *meant* something. I mean honest to goodness, real live, even-the-Scrooged-guy-would-approve- mean-something. What we as a whole did was downright fucking *good*. And I already told you how much it already expanded past my expectations a hundred times over so trust me when I say, you were the folks who did all the work, I was just "the asshole driving the bus" and I feel really, really, really fucking kick ass right now and so should you.
And so I present you, some of the recipients of this year's "Let's Bring'Em Home". And just FYI, the actual contributors are receiving a similar email, only with a lot more information about every recipient which is of a more personal nature...the why's, the how's. This is a tough challenge for me... balance the people's desire to know, the recipients privacy, the chance to fire people up for next time, the donor's curiosity where their support went...I hope you understand.
So in no particular order, here are a few ones that really stick out in my head because we kind of fought for em, that we were able to bring home...
Due to financial restraints, a Air Force airman purchased a bus ticket from New Mexico to Maryland to see his family for the holidays. He spent 48 hours on the bus ride there, including "two hours which I spent pretending I was asleep so a drunk wouldn't talk to me." He spent some time with his family and girlfriend before receiving a call from me, after his name was submitted by his supervisor. You folks bought him an airline ticket back to New Mexico so that he would spend 5 and a half hours traveling instead of 48, allowing him more time home with his mother.
The Security Police from Minneapolis. Holy fuck were these guys were a challenge. First they were in Florida, then they were coming home, then they weren't, now some of em are. Let me start out my stating that their First Sergeant is a man truly worthy of his diamond. (For you non military types, the 1st Sergeant is the man on the lookout for all enlisted troops, and his insignia is a diamond over his stripes). I've seen more than my fair share of 1st Sergeants who, well, let's just say they didn't live up for Sgt Voeller's stature. This is a man who truly looked out for his troops, and our military is better for having him. Via his coordination he arranged... to have two of a Sgt's kids flown out to him when the Sgt himself could not travel due to duty restrictions; to have four of his airmen fly in so see their family, and finally we damn near flew in a fiancé to be married!
An Army Sergeant in Washington DC who was actually at the Pentagon *when* it was attacked (on the other side if the building, thankfully) will be going home to Wisconsin to visit his grandmother, thanks to you the EHOWA subscriber.
An Army Private (and longtime EHOWA subscriber and also the very first ticket we placed) who as we speak is in Basic Training -- he signed up right after the September 11th attacks despite having a wife and two children -- will be flying home to Oklahoma to see his family for Christmas (and getting a tree), thanks to the money you donated.
An Air Force Airman will be able to travel from Hawaii back home to Denver to be with her family during very tough (personal) times. This one was a special victory for me since I coordinated this one through one of the men I admire the most... a man who received the rank of Chief Master Sergeant a few years back.. kind of a chance for me to personally help the guy who bailed my ass out of more than one jam. Folks, Chief Pike is one of the best guys there is, THANK YOU for giving me the opportunity to pay him back.
An Army soldier faced a dismal holiday crisis -- pay her car payment...or pay for trip ride home. What would you do? Would you forgo seeing your mother just to pay a bank? Would you risk bad credit to see your family? No problem. You folks paid her car payment for the month, so she could go home worry free.
Hat's off to a front line supervisor down in Florida.. SSgt Lewis looks out for not only her troops but for those around her. She single handedly arranged for the flights of not one, not two, but three, THREE young airmen working around her. They departed to West Virginia, Las Vegas (family, not pleasure), and Los Angeles to spend the holidays with their folks. And you arranged for it.
A Marine Corporal knew he was the best of the best and decided to take a shot at becoming a Navy SEAL... After an injury, things didn't work out and even after some nasty military paycheck screw ups, he was still gung ho to protect his country. But he still hadn't seen his family for a long time, nor did he have the cash to do so. Enter EHOWA's Guardian Angel, Kat from Continental Airlines. Kat donated her buddy pass to get this proud individual a flight from California back to see his family in Georgia. Go Kat, go!
A Navy man who married a Japanese girl, who hasn't see her family in a long time, has a great opportunity to give his wife the pleasure of her her mommy and daddy again. How could I say no? After a few clicks of the mouse, you the EHOWA pillar of stability, got him a ticket -- to match his wife's which her parents paid for -- and they're going to be spending the holidays together in Tokyo.
Here's one of my favorites, besides the Okinawa deal. I personally always know when a US Navy ship docks -- I always get about 20 emails right afterwards. A young female sailor emailed me apprehensively asking if I could help her get home. I nonchalantly responded 'no problem' and asker her for the who, what, where , and all that crap. I received a few email back from her punctuated with, "really?" and, "you're not joking?". I assured her as best I could, knowing that somehow she didn’t believe and I would never convince her, and passed her info to Kat. Kat called her as a Continantal representative and the conversation went...well...let's just say...emotional. The sailor was surprise to really be going home. She cried, Kat cried, I (sorta) cried when Kat told me about it. It was a big deal. It was *good!* It was just good.
Another sailor aboard the same ship, whom I had corresponded with before, requested a ticket home to see his son. His son is the same age as my nephew Dakota. Is there any doubt that Kat and I *must* get this trip through? Well, she did. And this sailor is going home to see his son, and it wouldn't have otherwise happened if it weren't for you.
Now I tried to keep this project focused on the enlisted, and I tried to think of how to get the word out. I called a buddy of mine -- an officer but an alright guy who flies A-10 Warthog's out of Arizona -- and told him what I was up to. Again, with dedication that almost made me rethink my predisposition to shit on officers (almost), this straight shooting Captain took not one, but four -- FOUR -- $250 checks to his squadron picnic and gave them out to very deserving enlisted folks having trouble during the holidays, and all of them made it home where they otherwise couldn't have.
(We did something very similar, but I want to save a few surprises until Christmas. Even I need to play Santa every now and again!)
Our crown jewel we'll save until later, I don't want to ruin the suprise for anyone, including thre guy who's going to be sitting his happy ass on a plane for 18 hours. But if you've ever believed me before, believe me when i say this...it *will* be worth the wait.
One of SSgt Lewis's Airman also referred us to another Airman who wants to get home to see his wife at (an AFB in England)... we're working on it. Unfortunately, we had a ticket lined up for a sailor to go see his parents, but his leave dates changed restricting when he could go. We're also trying to get an Army Specialist home from Hawaii to his family in Florida... working on that one, plus another Marine from California to Texas. Kep your fingers crossed for us.
No, this is not an all encompassing list by the farthest stretch of the word... the easy ones and the ones we're still working to tie up a few loose ends will follow.
The way I see if we're going to have about $3,000 residual after all is said and paid for. but fret not, for we've got lots of heroes in Afghanistan who are gonna need ride home once they get back to the states. And with youer permission, I'll start preparing for that.
To those of you who believed and donated money, I quite honestly heap you into the group of people who truly wanted to donate but had nothing to give - you're all good... no great... great people in my book. You give what you can, when you can and that's what makes you worth dying to protect.
Simply put, as long as those of you who could give did give, we were destined for success.
And to those of you who could have spared even a few dollars but didn't, or even wore those of you who doubted my true intentions, I'm sorry. I mean I think you're fucking assholes, but I'm sorry none the less. And, and those of you who badmouthed me publicly on the net... you'll be seeing your email addresses here soon enough where the proud and faithful members of EHOWA will be glad to introduce themselves.
Folks, we did good this Christmas. No, we did about a hundred notches better than that, we did great. The people you brought home are happy to do what they do, risking what they do... for you.
Christ I love this "job". Heh, now I can get back to my ususal asshole self.
Ernie "got out of the Air Force but would have stayed in if there were more people like Chief Pike" Stewart.
And for Christ's sake... good will towards men...except those that doubt me.
* a few people raised the idea that if I revealed too much information about what troops were going to where from where for how long, it might raise some OPSEC concerns. I tried to address them as subtly as I can.
No mas! No mas!
Never did I think these words would cross my lips, but I think we've got enough donations. As the writing of this post, we've cleared $13,247 and have been able to purchase 23 confirmed tickets to bring military personnel home for the holidays including one as a far away as Okinawa, Japan. Plus we're also working on a few last minute ones (flights are getting full) so I'm sure that number will go up a couple more ticks before all is said and done.
Later today I'll be posting a list (minus their actual names of course) of where people are coming from and going to. Those of you who donated will get a similar list but with a little more detail about the people themselves...you've earned it!
Again, I can't thank all of you enough. To say this project has been a success would be as proposterous as saying that John Walker is merely a misunderstood little man who fell in with the wrong crowd. Oh wait, some people are saying that? Nevermind...
Check back later today, you'll be proud.
And to those of you assholes who doubted me and said I was just running a scam...there will be retribution. In the meantime, just wallow in your shame and live the knowledge that you passed on the opportunity to be a part of something really great because you're a cynical prick.
Let's Bring'em Home (update!)
First off, let me start off by just warning all of you. You thought I had a fucking ego problem before? Ha! You ain't fucking seen nothing yet. Since I've started this "Let's Bring Em Home" project and seen it take off with startling success, I've been running around my condo drunk and in the nude, flexing my muscles and shouting "Who's the man!" so loud my neighbor has pounded on the wall twice. I've got a major fucking ego problem now.
The call for donations to help buy airline tickets for military membersa has been more successful then I ever could have imagined. I figured I'd get maybe $2,000 tops, get to buy a few high priced (holiday) plane tickets, and we'd call it a day. I'd go to bed that night, along with maybe a hundred other folks who donated money a couple bucks, comfortable that I've done something to right a few wrongs with the world. Nay.
I'm here to fucking tell you that within the first seven hours -- seven fucking hours -- of the donation request being up I've received over $6,000 -- yes, six fucking thousand -- dollars in donations from over 250 different donors.
Stop for just a second and think about that. Further magnified by a very kind woman who works flight ops for Continental is helping me get the most bang for my buck with unpublished military airfares.
At the close of the weekend, (8:47am on Monday morning) we've just crossed over the $11,000 mark from over 500 different donors and we've got 21 requests for tickets all of which we should be able to take care of. And some important Army guys in Europe just got me email address, so I fear all hell will be breaking loose soon.
I'll be posting a chart of who's going where up on EHOWA, so people can track the progress and see where your hard earned American greenbacks are going.
If you don't have a paypal account, you can sign up for one here. It's free, it's completely secure and is very useful if you ever bid on ebay.
Once you have an account set up, you can make your donations by clicking here.
You people rock. No, you people Whoop Ass.
Let's Bring'em Home
Two days ago I put out a call for all military personnel to respond and identify themselves, but didn't give any reason as to why. Well, settle back on your haunches because the cat's coming out of the bag.
Well your answer, in not so many words, is I'm going to see if I can't get one (maybe a couple?) of them a plane ticket home where their overly abundant military paycheck (gag) wouldn't otherwise allow them to do.
Exactly ten years ago today I was a puke E-3 about two weeks into tech school at Keesler AFB in Mississippi. There were some rumors running around that we were going to be given leave to go home for Christmas, and having just finished basic training, of course everyone was pretty excited about this prospect.
As it turned out, yes, we were given leave but since it was last minute and during the holiday season, airfare was exceptionally expensive, and on my bi-weekly *gross* paycheck of $235 there was no way I could spring for a plane ticket. Without a blink of the eye my dear old dad, who really couldn't afford one either, decided he was having none of hat and promptly charged me up a $600 plane ticket on the credit card that he swore he'd only use for emergencies like a plane crashing on the fucking house. (Sorry NYC'ers, nothing personal)
Long story short, I made it home for Christmas, and it was pretty terrific. I got to walk down the jetway wearing my service dress and pretty much just looking like a Grade-A bad ass motherfucker.
All told, I never missed a single Christmas my entire 5 years in the military, simply because I was always within a 7 hour drive of home. A drive I would often make with less than $20 in rolled silver change in my pocket, and I'd take the back roads so I could avoid the $7 tolls of the NY state thruway.
Anyway, in reading the responses to my email request, I was keeping my eyes open for the perfect reply, something to the effect of, "Hi Ernie, I'm a puke Airman stationed somewhere in [Asshole, Arkansas] and won't be able to see my family in [Bumfuck, Montana] because all my money goes towards [insert noble cause here] and it's too far to drive. Oh well, there's always next year, have a great Christmas."
As of this writing, I have received four such replies. A soldier in basic training who wants to fulfill his 2 year old's wish of seeing Daddy for Christmas. An airman who as it stands right now will have to spend 96 hours on a bus (round trip) and waste a third of his leave travelling because he can't afford a plane ticket. Another airman who's Christmas plans entail sitting around the dorm because neither she nor her family can afford to fly her home. And another individual who preferred to keep their situation between us. And think it's fair to assume a few more will straggle in before the weekend fades away and the holidays are upon us.
Now as the year 2001 has been -- September 11th aside -- a pretty good year for me. The website actually pulled in a little bit of cash here and there, I have (so far) survived two rounds of layoffs at work, I got laid a few times, and fuck, gas prices are down too. True, I'm disappointed to find that Britney Spears actually *won't* be posing nude for PETA, but all in all I consider myself pretty lucky.
So why am I telling you all this?
Because I've hatched a plan that I think can do some good. What I'm looking to do is get my (proverbial) hot little hands on couple young military folks -- don't care what branch -- who quite simply can't afford to travel home to spend the holiday with their family, and them I'm going to buy them some plane tickets home.
So what does this have to do with you?
Well, simply put, I can't do it alone. I'm asking you to help me, take care of those that take care of us.
Recent events have made it painfully aware how essential our military personnel are. And I can tell you from personal experience how painfully unappreciated and underpaid they are as well. When I arrived at my first duty station I was paid the whopping sum of $235 every two weeks -- $470 a month. Subtract from that a car payment, car insurance, gas, telephone so you can call home, and maybe a little fun every so often -- you can see that doesn't leave much room to save for holiday travel let alone the luxury of giving presents when you're there. And what's military pay gone up -- 2% per year? Woo hoo.
Since the Sept 11th attacks, I have yet to speak to a single solitary person who hasn't donated money, time, blood, or something else to some charity somewhere. But now I'm presenting you with the opportunity to not donate to some nameless entity somewhere, but to someone right here in front of your face. Someone who is not only an EHOWA subscriber, but more importantly out there making sure you're safe while you're at your family gatherings, or your super bowl parties, or your kid's little league game.
I'll be taking donations from you -- my EHOWA subscribers -- to help out with this project. Every single penny donated, along with the $248.90 that EHOWA made in the month of November, plus another $500 of my own money will go towards getting these kids home.
I figure a few thousand people donating a couple of bucks here and there ought to be able to accomplish something pretty powerful this Christmas season, eh?
Help me help them.
I'll be taking donations to help out via PayPal. It's an online service which pretty much lets you send money to another person via your credit card. For those of you without a credit card, you can use your visa check card. For those of you without a visa check card, fuck join the frickin year 2001 will ya? Seriously, if neither of these two resources are available to you, drop me a line and we'll work something out.
If you don't have a paypal account, you can sign up for one here. It's free, it's completely secure and is very useful if you ever bid on ebay.
Once you have an account set up, you can make your donations by clicking here.
Please give what you can. If you can give $20, give $20. If you can give $5, give $5. If you can give more, give more. And if you can only give $1, well, then hey give $1. But please give something.
Many have sent me emails, "If there's every anything I can do for you, just let me know." Well, now I'm calling in those markers.
I, on behalf of those who will have a better holiday from your generosity, thank you.
ps -- The donation forms include a comments area which if you'd like to get a personal note to the folks I'm getting tickets for, do so and I'll take care of it.
Uh, okay, can someone please explain to me why we're pulling out of this ABM treaty and pissing the Ruskies off? I mean we just got these guys on our side, right? Helped us with Afghanistan, right? Fuck if we're going to pull out of this thing -- and I do see some reasons to do it -- then let's invite Putin and his Russian bear friends into NATO to put everyone at ease, eh? Think about it... more vodka on our shelves, more cheap Russian babes in our beds, and we all can have one of those fuzzy hats for the wintertime. I think if we don't do something to keep in each other's good graces, then I'd guess Speaking of bears, here's a little good morning kiss from Mother Nature. This bear was killed down on Hitchenbrook Island by an airman stationed at Elmendorf. The bear measured 12' 6" and was estimated at over 1600lbs. The guy was walking to his hunting area and the bear stood up only 35 yards away. The bear dropped down and went straight for him. He emptied his gun and the bear fell 10 yards from him. Check out the size of the paw in relation to the guy's head.
Alright, now this guy knows how to lay his pimp smack down!
Yes, yes, for those of you who asked, the chick of the day is down until further notice, the guy who provided it used excite@home for internet access. Need I say more?
Anyway, heard my favorite Christmas joke the other day, so please show some respect and allow me...
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
The examiner winked and said, "Well I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
Ahhh, holiday festivities...
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
My advice? You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
Remember Pearl Harbor, motherfucker.
Don't laugh, that was out battle cry until three months ago. Ironic how history repeats itself, eh? Sixty years ago today we were sneak attacked by a bunch of fucking pussies and ended up having to kick the fucking shit out of them. And here we are today, kicking the fucking shit out of the next bunch of fat fucking pussies who pulled a sneak attack in much the same fashion. Will none of these third world shitholes ever learn? Probably not, me thinks.
Here are some really great photos taken by one of my subscribers during a trip to the Arizona Memorial last year...
Here are some really great photos taken of a chick walking around Copenhagen completely nude, which most people don't even realize, because of some painted on clothes...check that camel toe!
Anyway, I'm sure you've all heard that an American soldier received a gunshot wound in Afghanistan. Don't worry, our guys are tough and they carry big fucking guns, unlike this balloonhead. But I'll bet nobody else has pictures of what really happened -- they were searching a a cave for you know who when he was shot from behind. See for yourself.
Now go out there and start your Christmas shopping. Only 20 days left!
Sentence Imposed In The U.S. District Court
Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, in a few short weeks it will be spring - the snows of winter will flee away, the ice will vanish and the air will become soft and balmy. In short Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, the annual miracle of the year's awakening will come to pass - but you won't be here. The rivulet will run its pearling course to the sea, the timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots and the glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose - still you won't be here to see it. From every treetop, some wild woods songster will carol his mating song, butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the bumblebee will hum happily as it pursues its Judge Rice
men who look like kenny rogers
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