E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

To: Cavemates
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, November 29, 2001 8:17 AM
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours in this conflict but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and the new guy Richard.

Love you lots.
Osama B.

I think I found the real reason the Taliban are losing this war, although I do have to give them credit since the Iraqi's caved after a mere 43 days. Bunch of bitches. I tried to find a bunch of gory pictures of burned Iraqis to post, but no luck. Dammit.

Man, one of the things I really miss when I travel, are the comforts of home. Everywhere else I go, the television picture looks so fucking small. And we all know when you're looking at something like this, you want the biggest fucking picture you can get your hands on. I had to wipe my TV off twice. Yeah I know it's wrong.

Hey it's cute and all that those two female American relief workers thank "God" for getting them out of Afghanistan, but I've yet to ever once hear them thank the actual soldiers that flew in and rescued their So what's new in the got me some hot snatch! Yeah I know, some guys get it free, while those like me gotta pay for it.

krazy krazy krazypaks!

Yes indeed, tis the season to be thankful. And what you might ask, should you be thankful for? Well, if ytou're reading this, then you've got plenty to be thankful for. It means you weren't in the Twin Towers saying, "Hey doesn't that plane look like it's getting bigger?", and you weren't on another plane saying, "Hey how come that tower has all that black some coming out of it?", and it means you weren't in the new wing of the Pentagon saying, "Wow these new walls sure look strong.", and you weren't on still yet another plane going, "Uh, operator I'd like to make a collect call.", and yet even still more, you weren't on another plane saying to the guy next to you, "Fuck, sure is pretty bumpy up here over New York."

No, you my good reader have oodles to be thankful for, trust me. Not only have you survived the collective kick in the nuts out country have recently endured, but you've made it the best fucking site on the web in your celebrations.

So eat, drink, and be merry. And if you can, eat Mary while you're at it, because I hear she's got a pretty hot box.

It would seem this year is flying by and I shall be spending another holiday eating, drinking and making merry. I'll be traveling back to Rochester, the land of the abnormally high risk of nervous system cancer (a Kodak moment, thank you...) to enjoy a nice dinner with the family. And so I will alas, be away for a short while. Break time, if you please. And so, I hereby decree that there shalt be no website updates until my return later this weekend.

As is custom when I go away for a period of time, I will leave you with buckets'o'links to keep yourselves occupied...oh, and don't eat too much.

learn about your flag -- stile project -- triumph the wonder dog
morty's twisted world -- this is absolutely sick -- evil kitty
flash mountain -- cheese whiz writings -- celebrity tattoo database -- just kissing girls --
rick and steve -- dilbert hole --
things my girlfriend and i have argued about beaterz -- penis enlargement

Just in case you're wondering what I listen to at work, give this a listen to.

Brian writes...
New York has become more united, and as sad and sick as it is, these fucks will have to do a lot more than knock down a few buildings to bring us down. We will not live in fear. Hell, I got mugged last week, and my first thought (after calling the cops) was like, "Fuck, things must be back to normal!"
God bless us all.
Thanks again.

why don't you just suck my dick?

Ha! Looks like Osama's number two man has been turned into number two! Haa haa haa haa haa! You's a dead muthafucka now!

So here are all the Taliban protest parodies. Great thanks to Dave for the bad ass xml parser doo-dad.

Someone asked me last week what would I do to get into Britney Spears' pants? I put some thought into it, and decided that if she were to fuck ten guys a day, every day, from now on... then I'd gladly work a week at a Penn Station glory hole to save up enough money to fly out and stand in the same room as be the number ten man that's scheduled for sometime in August 2007. That I want it that much.

And for those of you who were concerned about all those old commie tanks the Taliban guys are playing with over there, just give a look see to this. Imagine being in that motherfucker when the missile hit, eh?

Ah, what a glorious morning.

Those Taliban shitstains are running and crying like the whiney bearded pussies that they are, with our airplanes are continuing to bomb them as they flee in those fucking red Toyota trucks. All eight of the foreign aid workers (including two pretty smokin American babes) are not only free but were airlifted by American Special Forces. And bin Laden is so fucking close to getting captured that I can not only smell but taste his fear. Plus, every once in awhile, one of their people makes this mistake, which just makes me laugh.

As far as capturing bin Laden goes, someone suggested we just spray the whole country with viagra -- the little prick will pop right up. Even better news is the Taliban vowed to fight to the death... how convient!

get your fdny tee shirt

ask pal -- this site got me laid -- brass knuckles interviews -- unplugged tv

On November 7th, I requested people create their own captions for this picture of people protesting the US's bombing campaign of Afghanistan which you see to your right. I've received about 250 suggestions, of which some are duplicates -- a lot of "get that flag out of my ass" ones, and several with song lyrics which were very funny. Others, well, some are pretty friggin lame.

Anyway, I'm going to post the ones that made me laugh. Below are the first 25 or so... I've got about 100 more to edit and post, so keep checking back.

What the fuck? Who ordered the life size game of lawn darts?

Kind of makes this look not so important anymore -- Three Foreign Journalists Killed in Afghanistan -- one of the survivors is quoted as saying, "All three of us were on the back of the (armored personnel carrier) and we were joking about dragging along our interpreter, who was a bit reluctant about it,'' said French radio reporter Veronique Rebeyrotte, "we never thought we would be taking a risk."

Yeah you know, what risk could there be to riding a military vehicle? You're only riding on a big fucking rolling target that belongs to the fucking losers that are quickly finding the war turning around them... what fucking harm could come of that? I mean shit, just sit right down on this bullseye here and make yourself comfortable, right? Christ these people were as stupid as the people who die after trying to pick up a fucking cluster bomb thinking it's a food packet. I mean hello!?

Enough ranting, I don't want to start my Monday off like that... sets a bad precedent for the week. Let's look at something a little more upbeat, shall we?

Yeah, it was a long time coming but it was worth the wait, trust me.

I'm working on the parody pictures as you're reading this!

No mas! No mas!

I've officially got all the submissions for the Taliban protest parody that I can possibly handle. Thanks to everyone who sent their ideas in. I'll be compiling them all this weekend -- nice uniform format -- and you'll see them posted up here to my glorious website this coming Monday morning. You know, so you can have a productive day at work. Not.

So how about them fucking Raiders, eh? Man I love football.

Anyway, nothing real earth shattering to report. I did sent in my drinking tally to the guys at Sam Adams, so we'll see if anyone replies or not.

these guys helped me out with a little coding problem -- this site has some pretty crazy fucked up shit -- this girl likes to spend a lot of time in her bath tub -- radio afghanistan - all radio all the time -- wonderful gallery of celebrity tattoos

Downloads are now back online. See that wasn't so bad, was it?

They also play a little different too, they're embedded in a popup window and will autoplay upon load, with a neat link right there in case you want to download a copy to your hard drive. Again, you have to have to current version of Windows Media Player, so if you don't have it and they're not playing, don't ask me any stupid fucking questions. Christ, I'm the balls. And a big shout out to Dan for hooking this 'po white boy up. Billy from sierralinks is gonna score me some space too, so we're all set.

So let's see... of the top ten people I don't want to be right now, a Taliban soldier is nine of em. Think you guys can help me out by completing a nice caption for the picture of this asshole? And to prove you can whip something up in a few seconds, here's mine. After you create yours, send em here. And yes, I will destroy the lame fuck who sends in anything with "Wazzzuup!" on it.

Overhead damage photo of the Pentagon to match the one of the World Trade Center.

Ah yes, some of you with a keen sense of observation have noticed that I have disabled the downloads section. I can hear your cries of woe now, "Why, Ernie, why do have you forsaken us?"

Well, in not so many words, the site has been getting visitors up the fucking wazzoo recently and bandwidth wise we've been trying to squeeze a watermelon through a keyhole. Somewhere over the rainbow, sitting way up high, is a server that hosts EHOWA. And on that server are a few other customers as well...shared hosting it's called. Anyway, of the bandwidth pipe that goes to that server... we were hogging up 99.737 of that traffic. At this rate, my monthly bandwidth bill would jump from being another car payment to another mortgage payment. For those of you who wrote in on Friday and said, "hey how come we're seeing this welcome to seahawk thing?" Well, that was my ISP actually turning us off for a short while, to see if we were in fact the bandwidth hog.

And I'm proud to say that yes, yes indeed it was us. Now, let me be the first person to jump out in front the plate here and say that the folks who host EHOWA are absolutely terrific. Right from the giddy'up when they rescued me from the censoring clutches of my last provider to now when they extend me great latitude to resolve things my way -- and I have absolutely no intention of leaving them. It's these wonderful people who are behind the scenes keeping EHOWA up and running every day for the past three years. Jim-E is so good lookin I've seen hookers offer to pay him for sex and he usually talks them up $20. Lisa? Lisa has the fullest, roundest lips you've ever seen -- and you don't get those from eating square meals every day, ya know what I mean? Big Brad? Well, let's just say they don't call him 'Big' because he's tall. Marc? Shit, Marc will ri

Simple, I'm gonna do what I've always done. I'm going to count on the loyalty of my subscribers and let them help me pull through. it'll take a few days, but I'm sure I'll have it all worked out soon. In the meantime, the downloads section will remain disabled, just so that the site will eat a little less bandwidth than before but everything else will chug along like normal. I'm sure you understand. And if you don't, well, then fuck off.

And for those of you who are asking yourselves, "man is he gonna start charging to access the site?" Let me head that right off at the pass now. I'll answer that in one word. Hellfuckinno. Save this page, print this page, take a fucking picture of your monitor, whatever you want to do so save this next sentence. It's a contract from me to you. EHOWA will remain completely free, now and forever, no questions asked. And before anyone even asks -- and I really appreciate the fact that many of you would -- but keep your donations in your pocket, this ain't no fuckin soup kitchen, my friends!

Important! I am not usually in scare-mongering and internet-based rumour spreading, however this came to me earlier to day and it is something I felt I ought to share. I am sure that like minded people will understand/appreciate this warning.

Yesterday my Auntie's friend's daughter was on the on the train travelling from Johannesburg to Cape Town. A man of Arabic-appearance got off the train and she noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the stairs and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of bank notes. He offered her a reward, but she refused.

So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to her: "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to with a word of advice for you."

"Stay away from The Hard Rock Cafe".

She was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she whispered.

"No" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening - the food was shit and the waitress was fucking rude."

I need $14,000. I simply must have $14,000. Please help me
this one is for the ladies    --    this one is for the guys
the f-16 solution -- the american sumo society -- if you're gonna quit then quit

So it looks like we all survived Halloween without a scratch, eh? Well, I mean maybe a hangover or two because otherwise why else would a man put on a skirt and a blouse, but other than that we're all good.

So is anyone else really getting overloaded on all the fucking attention given to anthrax infections? Don't get me wrong, I understand it's important but the newapaper headlines this morning were reporting the mailman's former roommate's cousin's homeroom teacher's hairdresser's dog tested negative yesterday. Fuck can't we skip all the hype and just report the good shit? Or why don't they make the Anthrax Channel so that all the paranoid people can watch that so the real stations can report on the really important stuff?

Aw don't mind me, i'm just pissy because I'm hungry.