Wakka, Wakka, Wakka.

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate. I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately.

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied, "You forget, I have Jewish blood in me now!"

Q. Can you name eleven parts of the human body which are only three letters long? A. Ear, eye, lip, jaw, toe, leg, arm, gum, hip, rib & tit.

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Oh God," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped. "Are you crazy," he said, "we're on the 13th floor." "Shit," cried the young lady in exasperation, "do you think that this is the right fucking time to be superstitious?"

Q. Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread? A. They both get turned down at the end of the night.

A man studied the menu long and hard, and finally turned to the waiter for help. "Well," said the waiter, "today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad." "That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?" "We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal."

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray."And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus,you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job center he was offered work at the local Zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Martin was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked him. "I can't believe it" said Martin "I just opened the door and then.....Whooooosh!"

Q. What do Vanilla Ice, Eminem and Barack Obama have in common? A. They all made careers pretending to be black.

Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"

Riddle: John's mother had four children. The first was April, the second was May, the third was June. What was the name of her fourth child? answer below

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Fuck off! You're on my side!"

One guy is very upset and yells at his friend, "You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for what you did." "Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having SEX would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the fucking ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his scholastic work?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

A slice of pizza is in the stomach, waiting to be digested. Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down. The pizza lets it pass in front of him. A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too. A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks they whiskey, "What's going on up there?" "They're having a really great party", says the whiskey. "Really? responds the pizza. "I think I'll go up there and take a look".

Answer. John.

ashley greene's maxim cover shoot 2009.

the world cup of hot chicks. ireland and france seen in catfight.

the top ten nba free agents of 2010 - and they're all white. haha, just kidding.

big tits - an informative infomercial that empowers women to reach their maximum potential.

Finally, A Good Use For A .22

Perhaps the most important thing you can remember during the zombie apocolypse is, first and foremost you need to create a barrier between you and the ravenous hordes looking to eat your flesh. I suggest using something very study such as metal, or perhaps some nice heavy oak. Then pick up an issue of Guns 'n Gardens - How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse is the number one web show for DIY tips and tricks for living through the tough times. Each episode we'll explore the in's and out's of the wasteland, including the best weapons, first aid and food production techniques that will help you and yours see another day. Stay alive with Guns 'n Gardens. So later on when zombies are gnawing through your skull, don't say I didn't warn you. Although no, I won't need anyone rubbing my bald head to calm me down. Why not? Because let me assure you ladies and gentlemen, I am awesome, so aside from Pep-Z, here's my weapon of choice. What's yours?

Al, rub my butt. Well, here's a disturbing little tidbit. As I learned in this interview, Katey Sagal is married to the hit biker themed television series Sons of Anarchy creator, Kurt Sutter. So essentially, Sutter kind of choreographed the gang rape of his own wife. Weird. Oh, and is it me or does Sutter totally looks like Jax?

Great, now I'm going to have to defend myself from zombies and Wayne. Personally I don't put much stock in the fucking no-life whack jobs that troll the News-Press forums. So does anyone have any answers on the jammed gun = murder twist?

pancreatic cancer, cordyceps, ebola, bgm-109 tomahawk, sid haig.

interactive: state-by-state numbers for the 'cash for clunkers' program.

in virginia's death chamber, a rare death by electrocution. you fry em up good now.

rescue worker assisting in train a derailment almost gets runaway utility car straight up his ass.

a homemade chicken plucking machine built from the book "anyone can build a whizbang chicken plucker".

If They Don't Want You To Stop, Why Isn't It A Green Light District?

De Wallen is the largest and best-known of the three red-light districts in Amsterdam. As well of providing sexual services the area is also a major tourist attraction. Amsterdam’s ladies of the night have moved with the times and no longer just ply their trade after dark. They are on show in the windows for all to see, and choose from, during the day too. If you’re wondering how much it costs to lighten the load with one of the women then you can expect to pay upwards of 50 Euros for a 20 minute liaison behind the closed curtains and locked door. Here are twenty-eight photos from the world famous De Wallen red light district in Amsterdam. You're welcome.

My morning will be filled with trips to Wachovia Bank after someone -- ahem, Kat -- lost her LBEH credit card. Don't worry, hers is already cancelled and we still have mine to buy tickets with, so let's keep those buckaroos coming, eh?

A list of porn stars who have made the jump over to mainstream media. Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy we all know. But who the hell is Veronica Hart and why does it look like her face has been dribbled through a minefield?

Sorry Sean, these are not the droids you are looking for. The plane you speak of is the An-225's little brother, the An-124. In fact, pictures of your baby being dismantled and loaded onto this big ass Russian bird can be found here. On a somewhat related note, the An-225 is gaining a little fame as the cargo plane flown in 2012. You can watch the real thing take off here, or the remote control version complete with miniature Buran space shuttle, here.

Explaining an STD to your girlfriend might be kind of tough, but what about lots of STDs? Edward visits Bella with some disturbing news on how his unsafe bloodsucking decisions has given him every STD every known. Bella’s not scared to die for love, but living with an STD is a whole other story.

tv's bitchy hall of fame.

where should I eat? fast food edition (flowchart).

asus best, hp worst for notebook reliability. so long, compaq.

learn to NOM-NOM-NOM from the master. that's right? cookie monster.

two hot blonde's battle it out in the boob slapping championship of the world.

every death in oz, part i - part ii - every death in the wire, seasons 4 & 5

Cut Your Leg? That's It? Just Rub Some Fuckin Dirt On It.

Sure, I make yesterday's post at 10:47am Eastern time, and two hours later, the local NBC affiliate publishes this. So it was just attempted homicide, not actual homicide as the piece of shit News-Press was initially reporting. And just to reinforce how clueless they are, it wasn't until 9 o'clock last night that they got off their asses and managed to get this blurb posted. And they wonder why nobody subscribes to their shitty newspaper; it's like reading a day old bakery.

So in the end Wayne did indeed flip his wig, but he didn't really flip his wig. He pulled a Karen Hill, gave his wife a papercut and then popped a few Xanex. Woo hoo. I am so disappointed. But I suppose the Xanex explained the placid looking mugshot, eh? A local LEO had this to offer...

So on that note, what's the police code for being a complete fucking pussybag? Anyway. I went and saw 2012 this weekend. It wasn't bad, two and a half hours of solid entertainment. There aren't going to be any academy awards coming from it, and I'm sure the folks at Stupid Movie Physics are going to have a field day with it. But wasn't bad. Kind of like Deep Impact meets The Day After, with a tip of the hat to The Poseidon Adventure -- although I thought that last part was kind of a cop out, by the way. I'd have much preferred to see the ship bust in half or become entombed in a huge crashing wave. And remember the very first teaser trailer, where the Buddist Monk runs up the hill and bangs his gong about half a dozen times? Yeah, in reality that's a pretty quick scene and he only gets two hits in before beng washed away. P.S. Don't live in Hawaii. Anyway, it's kind of a long movie, so should you have to use the pisser, my advice is to hold it until the 93 minute mark when John Cusack/Amanda Peet sit together in a car and engage in the obligatory main character/ex-wife reconciliation dialogue. Although as best I can remember, Cusack didn't stab Peet in the leg when they were done.

Answering this next question wrong will come back to bite you in the ass. How many inches is it from Brooke Vaughn's right nipple to her left? If you guessed eight inches, you're wrong and Shawn gets to go first, along with his black friend Barry.

goalie shows off prior to free kick. kicker gets to mock goalie.

the largest cruise ship in the world is five times the size of the titanic.

question: what are shannon tweed and erik estrada up to? answer: twisted justice.

ilyushin il-18 operated by dhl aborts takeoff from the 8202 ft long airstrip at cabinda, west africa.

suspended new mexico soccer player elizabeth lambert shows her softer side in this new dating video.