Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No.

When I went to go visit my father out in Las Vegas, we stayed at The Stratosphere which is the big space needlely hotel and casino with the roller coasters on top. And as with all high rise tourist attractions, they have an observation deck. But what made this one somewhat unique is the glass windows were set at a forty-five degree angle. Now let me preface this by saying that I'm not afraid of heights. But. Try as I might, I simply could not get myself to actually step on the slanted glass as other people were doing. My feet just wouldn't do it. I could look over them. I could lean over and hold myself up by the metal bar that ran along the top. But I simply could not step on them. It was the weirdest thing.

Rationally I could sit there and look at the 1" thick bolts holding the 2" thick glass in place, and knew there was no way they were going to fail. And I could rationally look around and see three, sometimes even four people doing the exact same thing, all standing on a single pane of glass. And yet my feet just wouldn't move. Even when I tried to psyche myself up for it, I'd get all pumped and I'd get the instantaneous boost of adrenaline just before I was going to step and them boom -- my feet were frozen in place. They simply refused to step off into nothingness. It was really mind boggling. I'm glad I didn't have to pay any extra to get up there.

Anyway, this is why you should always invite Natalie Gulbis to your Fourth of July cookouts. You're welcome.

Man that's some gross shit. All I could think of was Emily Deschanel holding up a finger and singing, "Dancing phalanges!" I wouldn't be surprised if they gave him a nice dead gay buttfuckin before they ate him. I guess hanging out with hungry Thai people is more dangerous than treadmills and exercise balls, combined. See, if it wasn't for me, you'd be stuck with lame shit like this: The internet in 1999. The internet in 2009. Yeah, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Like I can't even tell if this is a cell phone or a gun?

Well, one thing I definitely won't be doing this weekend is going to see Transformers 2 as everyone tells me the plot line is quite stupid and the 2+ hour long movie is filled with nothing but mindless CGI fight scene after mindless CGI fight scene. Instead? I'll probably grab some Five Guys burgers, maybe kick back in my boxers and catch an awesome looking zombie movie! First Captain Kirk, now he's fighting zombies? That Chris Pine is sure scoring points in my book.

Well Tim, one of two things is true. Either (A) I searched all around the internet, seeking out websites that hosted various videos that had no sound, or (B) you've got your speakers turned off. I'll let you guess which option is more likely. Good luck with that and feel free to call if you need any more help.

Sure, Alanis Morisette's "You Oughtta Know" and Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" are famous songs about women who've been cheated on (probably with this girl). But uh, "Smell Yo Dick?" Really? And man I hate to say it, but Jesus Fucking Christ, this kid is fucked. As much as I'd welcome it, I really don't see this having a happy ending.

you will NOT find a better way to blow off your friday afternoon, than playing this DOOM 2D.

top twenty-two favorite nude scenes in mainstream cinema. mmm, anne hathaway.

ten tv couples that should divorce immediately. because mrs roper is a looker!

ultra orthodox jews are just as freaking crazy as their islamic counterparts.

seven great sci-fi chase scenes - uh, what about the fifth element?

this screensaver will change your sexual life forever.

ten incredibly awesome spring break bikini contest videos. yes, it's SFW.

hate that 'all the single ladies' song? hate clowns? then this video IS FOR YOU!

an annual staple for baseball fans: ben fry's salary vs performance chart. go sox!

remember when you used to beat off to debbie gibson videos? i guess you still can.

meghan mccain wants to be played by hilary duff in the amazing story of her amazing life.

As Patrick Swayze Quietly Snickers.

How about a medium rare steak with A1 Steak Sauce, fried chicken breasts and thighs, BBQ ribs, French fries, onion rings, bacon, scrambled eggs with onions, fried potatoes with onions, sliced tomatoes, salad with ranch dressing, two hamburgers, peach pie, milk, coffee, and iced tea with real sugar. If you think that's unhealthy, you should see what the lethal injection will do to you afterwards.

So everywhere you look lately it's Bruno, Bruno, Bruno. And you know what? I just can't do it. I just don't find him funny. I even watched the red-band R-rated trailer, and still... nothing. And yet somehow this guy managed to -- in real life now -- get Isla Fisher to marry him. In what fucking reality does this happen?! Fuck the Holocaust, fuck AIDS, fuck unexplained plane crashes. How can you tell me that God exists when he lets this happen? How? Tell me! I dare you. I double dare you, motherfucker. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and ol Cohen will be part of THIS NEW CELEBRITY TRIFECTA.

Amanda Bynes in "She's The Man?? Ali Larter in "Varsity Blues?" -- with proof that James Van Der Geek must be gay. Maybe Brooke Langton in "The Replacements?" Or even Eliza Dushku in "Bring It On?" Dammit, I just can't decide which is the hottest sports movie babe. Can you help me out here?

Doug sent in this list of all the Budwesier Real Men of Genius commercials. I remember they started out as Real American Heroes, but when 9/11 happened, Anheiser Busch changed to the current Genius vs Hero tag. Which was a bullshit politically correct move I always thought was pretty lame. When the hero tag is assigned to an athlete or actor, I always vomit in my mouth a little but only because the person saying it obviously has such a warped sense of reality. With the Bud Real American Heroes, it was obviously a parody so I didn't think anything of it. Besides, now that it's eight years since 9/11, we can all sit back and pay tribute to the real American heros. That's right, I'm talking about Will Smith.

Ha! It's almost as if the news has become interactive lately. And I'm sure Scott will correct me if I'm wrong but if I'm not mistaken, that's a P-3 Orion. Now, I have to dig up an old email from Mickey who wrote in after the Eastbound and Down season finale...

Of course the (NSFW) scene Mickey is referring to is this one, and it was later reasoned that no, it was a body double. Evidently Katy Mixon is a little shy about showing off her real sweater gems. Dammit.

By now we've all seen the video where the kid throws a temper tantrum after his mother cancelled his World of Warcraft account. Now some people are calling bullshit on the validity of the video, claiming it -- and the two followup videos -- are staged. And I have to agree because all I could think about was even if I somehow managed to find the balls to do it, if I ever went after my father with a baseball bat, like the kid does in the third episode? My father would fucking kill me. And I don't mean just an ass beating, I mean dead like celebrity trifecta dead. And he wouldn't even put down his sandwich to do it. So yeah, I guess I call bullshit on those videos, too. Oh, one last thing. I've been trying as best I can but for the life of me I can't figure out which toy robot this is, can you help me?

gore vidal on grace kelly: "grace almost always laid the leading man... she was famous for that in this town."

precisely how i feel about my truck, which is now fast approaching 210,000 miles, by the way.

five corporate promotions that ended in disaster. oprah gives away fried chicken. ha!

finally! a humans vs vampires movie - from the point of view of the vampires!

giant model railroad is an analog simcity - some video of the trains in action.

a day late for CANADA DAY - ten celebs you didn't know are canadian. eh!

descent into credit card debt hell. or as I call it, "save your money."

twenty-five celebrities we hope never ever release a sex tape.

top ten michael jackson celebrity collaborations.

This One is For You, Canadian Jay.

Happy Canada Day, you hockey playing bastards!

So Bianca went into have her stitches removed this morning, so she's doing well. The toughest part was keeping her out of the pool, but now wer've got the green light for that, so between these two OCD dogs, I know how I'll be spending my afternoon. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball.

And of course there's still more to be said on the Dead Celebrity Trifecta that we're in the middle of -- or not in the middle of -- as some of you are now contesting...

Yeah see, here's the thing. As Lord of the Internet, if I don't know who a celebrity is, then they just don't count. First off Gale Storm sounds like a terrific porn name -- but when I looked up her biography I was disappointed to find out she did radio and a little show called My Little Margie. So uh, she's out. And as for Fred Travelina? Like you said he was famous for doing impressions, which to be honest is a style of humor I've never been a big fan of. It's like Rich Little; when he dies there won't be a candle in my window. So he's out, too. Now I'll just sit here like the vulture that I am and wait for Patrick Swayze to die.

This is probobably going to surprise you, but I'm not as critical of Bernie Madoff as some people are. For two specific reasons. The first is Thomas Tusser's old adage of, "A fool and his money are soon parted." And before anyone asks, no PT Barnum didn't say that, his quote was, "There's a sucker born every minute." and that probably applies to Bernie as well. Anyway, I look at all these victims of this Ponzi scheme and given that they're all fairly wealthy people you have to assume they're intelligent or at the very least, of above average intelligence. Well, ol' Bernie was promising them thirty percent returns on their investments. Remember the sniff test? "Gimme all of your money, and I'll double it in two and a half hears." C'mon! To me that just seems a little too good to be true, even during a booming economy. So, why the fuck weren't these people keeping a closer watch on their money? Because when they were getting outrageous returns they didn't ask any questions. So hey, whenthe bottom falls out and you're left with nothing but your cock in your hand, you've got no one else to blame other than your own greed. And secondly, one of the people he fucked out of their life savings was Johnny Damon. And in my book, anybody who fucks over Johnny Damon can't be all bad. But speaking of fucking people over, here's something I bet you didn't know. Remember the Sham Wow guy? The one famous for (beating/getting beaten by) the hooker? It turns out the two things he's most famous for peddling, were both ideas ripped off from Billy Mays; and Mays called him out on it during an interview on the Adam Carolla show... and Mays talked some good shit too. But given that he's dead now, well I guess that means that Vince gets the last laugh. Sorry, Billy.

Without even seeing it, I can tell you how to fix your email. You see there are usualyl two server addresses that you need to plug into your mail package -- be it Thunderbird, Outlook, or Eudora like I use. The first is the server that you retrieve your mail from, and it's usually something like pop.yourdomain.com or mail.yourdomain.com. You can access that server from anywhere on the internet, since many people check their email remotely. Now to send email, you plug in a different address, usually something like smtp.yourdomain.com. This server can only be accessed from within that particular ISP's network, in order to block spammers from hacking a mail server that doesn't belong to them. So when you changed ISPs from (and I'm going to pull these addresses out of my ass, but you'll understand what I'm saying) verizon.net to att.com, you need to go into your mail settings and change your outbound SMTP server address from smtp.verizon.net to smtp.att.com. There, all fixed. Yep, that's what I do. I solve problems. Unlike these bitches that only give all the other bitches bad reputations.

I'm pretty sure that this is the footage you're talking about. I bet that surprised the living shit out of everyone there, eh? Okay, I have to run, I'm late for a meeting with my support group.

the ten deadliest states for >hic!< drinking and driving. i think.

the great geek debate gets settled once and forever: captain kirk or picard.

you know you've got a big blackhead when it has to be removed surgically. wow.

some dirty liberal cunt driving a gold toyota runs into a fox news reporter at 60mph.

evel knievel, fenway park, crocs (shoe), massive air ordinance burst bomb, lumbar puncture.

the thirteen most brutal and inhumane AWESOME judicial punishments still used today..

the ten most ridiculous AWESOME airbrushed shirts in music. dibs on busta rhymes.

ten weirdest animals of the week: stoned dogs, bird attacks, cats who knock.

hollywood celebrities most in need of anger management classes.

Yeah, I Forgot About Grasshopper.

I'm trying to remember -- I think I've posted this video before, yes? Anyway, her name is Heather LaCroix and she's got a bunch of other videos -- you're welcome -- right here. Anyway, sorry so late today, LCEC is working on a utility pole two houses down and I've had the power go up and down all morning.

As several people pointed out to me (technically, Sean was first at 3:09pm), I forgot to include David Carradine's passing into my celebrity death trifecta calculations and so I've been motivated to correct myself. Carradine-McMahon-Fawcett complete one, and that asshole Michael Jackson is the one who started the new run. So now it's Michael Jackson and Billy Mays and ????? -- again I'm sticking with Patrick Swayze, although John had an interesting take on how Billy Mays' passing fits into the mix...

Someone said these six montages from 80's movies don't make any sense, but I call bullshit. Like you don't rock out at the 'You're the Best Around' scene from Karate Kid. Please. There's some good Footloose action, too. And then they tell me there's a list of nine chicks you don't want to hook up with at the bar. And I call bullshit on that, too. Well, except for the Tara Reid part.

An exclusive featurette for Public Enemies which offers a behind the scenes look at how they are able to make the film seem like it was shot in 1934. It aslso shows how they were able to film in the exact same locations that Dillinger lived and escaped from.

where are they now? serial killer edition.

the most AWESOME rube goldberg machine i have EVER seen.

ten baseball records that will never be broken (without steroids).

time spent eating per day vs the national obesity rate. eat up, fat ass.

how to identify circumcision damage in the adult male. not safe for lunch.

top gear finally pits the bugatti veyron vs mclaren f1. the fun starts at 4:25.

myfreepaysite.com, the world's first and only truly free adult megasite. NSFW.

ten fictional geeks that eventualls have sex. i smell some revenge of the nerds a'comin.

all you've ever wanted to know about olivia munn and her upcoming playboy spread. SFW.

dodge the homing missiles and make them run into enemy units. arrow keys move you around.